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Original poster

Partner unexpectedly asking for termination

187 replies

apricotloaf · 30/01/2023 05:52

Been with my partner for 6 years, very happy and thought this was my future. We had a chat and he actively encouraged me to come off my contraception. Six months later I felt so lucky to get a BFP and thought he would be also. Skip forward a week and out of the blue he's raised the question on a termination. Said he didn't realise it would happen so quickly and that he isn't sure it's what we wants. I'm absolutely heartbroken over this, feel I can't continue if I don't get 100% have his backing but also the other option leaves me hyperventilating. He said he always felt he couldn't have children so it would never happen. Apparently he always thought it was a case of see if I got pregnant and see how we felt at the time on if we carried on. I would never, ever have agreed to do that.

The issue is, I live in his home. I moved from my own home to live in his, sold my furniture and pretty much everything I own and I have nothing. Please don't lecture me. I knew at the time it was a risk but I genuinely thought this was it. I can't be with someone who thinks it's ok to take a roulette on this but how on earth do I leave? I have nowhere to go, I'm priced out of rentals and I just feel in a blink of an eye my whole life has flipped. Please can someone help me make a plan?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 30/01/2023 06:05

Apparently he always thought it was a case of see if I got pregnant and see how we felt at the time on if we carried on.

So he doesn't understand the very basics of bodily autonomy? Nice.

Are you working? Do you have any family to help? Are you stuck where you are or can you move to somewhere cheaper?

Original poster
apricotloaf · 30/01/2023 06:09

The bit you've quoted is exactly the bit that is baffling me the most.

I work yes. I'm tied to the city I live in but can move arrears within it and I don't have anh family.

OP posts:
sorcerersapprentice · 30/01/2023 06:10

Hopefully he's just having a big wobble. If so, he needs to pull himself together and be responsible for this. You came off contraception in good faith after you both agreed

GoodChat · 30/01/2023 06:10

What happened to the money from your house sale?

I don't see how you can trust him after this.

pog100 · 30/01/2023 06:11

Has he always been an emotionally stunted immature idiot? I think you need to put things in place to separate. There's a chance the shock might be enough but if not you really need to set up a separate life. Even if you terminate this relationship won't work, will it?

Original poster
apricotloaf · 30/01/2023 06:15

I've considered if he's just panicking but honestly I don't see a way back from this. I can't trust someone who think it's ok to treat my body as pot luck, if he has a change of heart I'll always wonder if he really wanted it and if I terminate then there really is no way back for us.

My old house was a rental, I didn't own it. He owns his home.

OP posts:
snowlolo · 30/01/2023 06:15

Apparently he always thought it was a case of see if I got pregnant and see how we felt at the time on if we carried on

Umm, what?

It's not a new shirt, it's a baby, and his partner's body. You don't buy it and then send it back when you realise it doesn't suit you.

Is there something wrong with him?

This alone would be enough to make me question the relationship, OP. Completely bizarre thinking.

Denise82 · 30/01/2023 06:16

Sorry this is happening to you.
Can I ask why he says he always felt like he couldn't have children? Has he previously had tests that say he couldn't, or is he just saying he had a feeling to absolve himself of any responsibility of the fact you are now pregnant.
Unfortunately, in my opinion unless you are both 100% for or against the pregnancy, I feel the relationship is over.
Each of you will both feel resentment for the other, making you choose something you never wanted.
You both really need to talk this out and both be completely honest in how you feel.

Starlightstarbright1 · 30/01/2023 06:19

Unfortunately you have the option of go it alone or terminate.

Give yourself time to consider what you want.

For me the relationship would be over.

Lmgify · 30/01/2023 06:23

What on earth was he thinking to out you through this? If you terminate you’ll never forgive him and your relationship will never be the same again. If you carried on you might be resentful that he’s asked you to terminate and again nothing will be the same again. I’m so sorry your boyfriend was being such an irresponsible idiot and you’re truly stuck between a rock and a hard place. Whatever decision you come to out yourself first, I wish you all the best.

yellowgecko · 30/01/2023 06:26

A similar thing happened to an acquaintance.
He had a proper wobble when he found out his partner was pregnant. It took him a few months to 'come round' to the idea. Now he's a doting dad. I know that doesn't happen for everyone and I know it's shit he has to 'come round'.

You need to sit down with him and proper spell out all the options, making it clear what He's potentially giving up. Hopefully it is a wobble and you'll come out stronger. I am sorry you are going through this Flowers

CupEmpty · 30/01/2023 06:27

Honestly I am just appalled at how some men think. How have we got here as a society? How can anyone in their right mind think this is ok?

I’m not anti termination, I’ve had one myself, but this very much sounds like he wanted to do his own little experiment to find out whether he could have kids or not with no further thought to the consequences.

Zamummy · 30/01/2023 06:27

So sorry for the situation you in. If you really want the baby and want to keep it, do it. I would just leave him and consider this disrespectful and selfish! As a pregnancy woman you can get help from the government if you need to move and might struggle with finding accommodation. You can also speak to your midwife about your situation or a social worker.

Original poster
apricotloaf · 30/01/2023 06:29

Thank you for everyone's responses. I wasn't expecting so many.

I'm unsure why he thought he was infertile, a mixture between gut feeling and as it hadn't happened in previous relationships thinking it wouldn't in this. I just can't understand it as this was completely lead by him,

In my mind I know I need to terminate as I can't go into this on whim. I also know I need to put something in place to leave. Im just struggling to think about putting one foot in front of the other in moving forwards with it. Can anyone advise steps to take when going for a termination?

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 30/01/2023 06:35

Definitely keep the baby if that's what you want. He consented to the conception and he can't just turn around and ask you to terminate now.
I personally would struggle to come back from this either. Like you said it not just about changing his mind about your joint future but his lack of regard for what a monumental physical task you're consenting to go through to give him children - and the physic and psychological impact of a termination too.
However he may just be having an enormous panic attack. My DH went white when I got my first BFP even though we'd been trying for a year. Sadly it ended in an earLY MC but in the end I was glad for that as when I fell pregnant again he was truly full of joy. It's like he had to cross that psychological boundary if we were definitely doing this.
I would give him one chance: lay out everything calmly and say how upset you are and state that he won't be forcing you to terminate but that you suspect your relationship is over and give him a day or so to have some space and I expect he might see the full impact of what he's said in a moment of panicky madness and be full of regret and apologies. If not absolutely move on, and keep the baby if you want it. He can't take that opportunity away from you now.

HuntingoftheSnark · 30/01/2023 06:37

Hi OP, I was in an extremely similar scenario years ago. We'd been together eight years, lived together and were engaged and in my view we were actively trying for a baby. After the test was positive, it turned out that his view was "maybe in a couple of years' time". It was somewhat baffling and he accused me of ruining his life.

I think this could go either way, because I have spoken to other women in the intervening period of time whose partners changed their minds and were apologetic, or didn't. I kept the baby but her father hasn't had anything to do with her in any way, including financially. She's 25 so this was a long time ago; I had zero family support and was overseas. I would do the same again, as in keep her, but would definitely make some changes in how I dealt with it.

Rainbowqueeen · 30/01/2023 06:39

Is there a sexual health clinic in your area??

Otherwise try this - www.msichoices.org.uk/

How pregnant are you? You might be able to have a medical abortion where they send you the medication. Tell your partner he needs to pay the costs associated eg time off work and sone counselling for you given he has gone back on what you had agreed as a couple.

I think you’re making a really good decision.

Have you contributed to the house at all? Even though technically you are most likely only able to walk away with nothing, I’d ask for any contribution eg to renovation cost back.

Im sorry this happened and wish you all the best

neverwakeasleepingbaby · 30/01/2023 06:44

yellowgecko · 30/01/2023 06:26

A similar thing happened to an acquaintance.
He had a proper wobble when he found out his partner was pregnant. It took him a few months to 'come round' to the idea. Now he's a doting dad. I know that doesn't happen for everyone and I know it's shit he has to 'come round'.

You need to sit down with him and proper spell out all the options, making it clear what He's potentially giving up. Hopefully it is a wobble and you'll come out stronger. I am sorry you are going through this Flowers

Just wanted to say this happened to my friend too. Same situation, a wobble and now (at least it appears that) he's a great dad. It doesn't excuse things but people can behave in strange ways with big life changes. Hope it all works out for you, with or without him 💐

RebeccaCloud9 · 30/01/2023 06:55

From all you have written, apart from the one line when you said you know you need a termination, you really don't sound like you want to end this pregnancy.

TicketBoo23 · 30/01/2023 06:56

We had a chat and he actively encouraged me to come off my contraception.

Apparently he always thought it was a case of see if I got pregnant and see how we felt at the time on if we carried on. I would never, ever have agreed to do that.

I think that's a lie.

I think that's what he's rewritten now that you've fallen pregnant and he's had a total U-turn/melt down/panic, hit himself etc. episode.

But like many liars he's convinced himself and possibly really believes it.

It's understandable that, even if he were to come around, you would feel he's tainted everything, wrecked trust & respect, done serious damage to the relationship etc.

The continuation/termination question I suppose should be solved around whether you want a child and whether, if you don't continue the relationship (could be because you can't forgive his behaviour, which would be entirely understandable or he doesn't come around (possible)) you are able to do so as a single parent.

It sounds like he has a decent job and his own home so hopefully will pay child maintenance. Brad in mind that if he had scope for self employment or moving abroad .. that can make CM difficult to collect.

TicketBoo23 · 30/01/2023 06:57

*bear

TicketBoo23 · 30/01/2023 06:58

How old are you op - that might have a bearing on your decision.

TicketBoo23 · 30/01/2023 07:03

I'm unsure why he thought he was infertile, a mixture between gut feeling and as it hadn't happened in previous relationships thinking it wouldn't in this

My p suspected this too (he's not) due to late chicken pox (I don't even know if male infertility can happen from CP, I thought it was only mumps so he might be misinformed) but mainly due to no "accidents" happening previously.

I think a lot of men are aware that they may have taken risks with contraception at times and if there are no unplanned pregnancies they start to vaguely wonder if they have low sperm count etc.

It's a fallacy - because there are only really 5 Ian days a woman can get pregnant and there only a 25% or so chance per cycle even for two 20 somethings with no fertility issues..... But it trends to be why people think they might have issues or take risks.

gamerchick · 30/01/2023 07:07

He's used you to check his fertility?

It doesn't sound as if there is a future with this bloke whether you terminate or not OP. Keep the two things separate I would. Sorry man

TicketBoo23 · 30/01/2023 07:08

Can you get on lists for social housing if you're priced out of rentals?

If you decide to continue the pregnancy and will be a single parent, you'll obviously be much higher priority.

The Cab can be quite good about advice benefits etc.