Partner unexpectedly asking for termination

[apricotloaf]

Been with my partner for 6 years, very happy and thought this was my future. We had a chat and he actively encouraged me to come off my contraception. Six months later I felt so lucky to get a BFP and thought he would be also. Skip forward a week and out of the blue he's raised the question on a termination. Said he didn't realise it would happen so quickly and that he isn't sure it's what we wants. I'm absolutely heartbroken over this, feel I can't continue if I don't get 100% have his backing but also the other option leaves me hyperventilating. He said he always felt he couldn't have children so it would never happen. Apparently he always thought it was a case of see if I got pregnant and see how we felt at the time on if we carried on. I would never, ever have agreed to do that.

The issue is, I live in his home. I moved from my own home to live in his, sold my furniture and pretty much everything I own and I have nothing. Please don't lecture me. I knew at the time it was a risk but I genuinely thought this was it. I can't be with someone who thinks it's ok to take a roulette on this but how on earth do I leave? I have nowhere to go, I'm priced out of rentals and I just feel in a blink of an eye my whole life has flipped. Please can someone help me make a plan?

Wobbles don’t ask for terminations.

My mother also 'felt' she couldn't get pregnant...she ended up with 3 children. My father didn't actually want children at all...but my mother is also Catholic. She was pregnant within 6 months of them meeting, they 'had' to get married, hadn't even been together a year....and my father was 18, my mother 23.

He was a shit father, totally disinterested and uninvolved. Worked abroad, rarely home from the time I was 9, he waited until my younger brother was 18 and then left my mother for another woman. That was 34 years ago and I've not seen him since.

Neither myself or my two brothers have had children of our own. Even if I'd wanted children, I wouldn't have had them with a man who didn't want them at least as much as I did.

I haven't read into the thread further than this bit:

Apparently he always thought it was a case of see if I got pregnant and see how we felt at the time on if we carried on. I would never, ever have agreed to do that.

Is he actually thick?? What an awful lack of emotional intelligence and understanding of the enormity of that decision for many women. Stupid, stupid man.

I absolutely couldn't stay with him after that.

I'm really sorry you're in this predicament now. I wish you strength.

I'm unsure why he thought he was infertile, a mixture between gut feeling and as it hadn't happened in previous relationships thinking it wouldn't in this

Are you saying he has tried to or wanted to have children before or is he is just averse to contraception?

Don't you think it's important to look at the whole picture? If you read OP has already talked about her relationship so to her it's important! Read her posts properly please

I can't believe there are men this thick out there, and I admire your strength with this

This is so awful OP. Entirely your choice whether to continue with or without him but I couldn't stay with someone who used my body like that. I think you need to make it clear terminating will also be the termination of your relationship, he is the one that's put you in this situation with his fucked up little game.

Don't feel pressured to terminate if you want this baby and feel ready to do it alone. Do what is right for you and take the fuckwit out of the equation.

I couldn't have put this better.

I think you are being very level headed about it. Continuing with the pregnancy will leave you tied to this man for life, it will affect your career, independence and long term financial outlook,
I wouldn't trust him to co-parent or even provide CSM because he has shown himself to be flaky, he will just use the excuse "Well I told you I didn't want it, you forced me to be a dad". So if you do continue with this pregnancy then you absolutely have to look at the worst-case scenario that you will be raising this child alone, without support, and only continue because it's 100% what you want and you are prepared to do that.
You are young, you have time, and you know you are fertile so this isn't your one and only chance
You chose to try for children in the belief that it would be as part of a couple with a supportive partner, that's now not the situation, He changed the goalposts, not you.

Putting aide the whole changing his mind thing.
He let you think you were trying for a baby when he thought he was infertile.
He was seriously future faking you.

Don't discuss any further. He has shown you who he is. This is him. You don't want someone like him to be your life partner, or the father of your child.

Hard as it is, terminate. Unless you are absolutely sure you want this child and are totally up for being a single mother.

Get a flatshare, or go back to your family. Anything to get away from him.

Then start rebuilding your life 💐

This is the exact reason that you should choose to get married before having children.

You can have a termination and leave him or you can keep the baby and leave him. Either way you're in a very financially precarious situation.

Or he changes his mind, you carry on in the same life, and you push for marriage so at least you own 50% of the home.

It wasn't physically or emotionally difficult for me. No regrets whatsoever.

Don't give him the chance to persuade you that he is not the utter scum he has shown himself to be.

If you can extract money from him so you can leave him easily, do it.

Don't waste your life raising a child by him, you deserve much better than having any further connection to him.

If you were my daughter I would advise terminate the pregnancy and leave him behind asap.

It is physically or emotionally difficult for many women, though. It's not a decision that can be taken lightly by everyone. No judgement either way as I am firmly pro choice. But it was absolutely wrong and stupid of him to think he was going to get to make her pregnant and then they'd see, without communicating that to her.

@apricotloaf I've been a widow since my DD was just turned 1 and I'm telling you, the idea of being a single parent is farrrrrr, far worse than the reality. No it's not always easy but believe me, there are benefits to it. 7 years later and my DD & I have had some fun times together!

You can do this alone

PLEASE don't feel you have to have a termination just because he's not on board!!!

You've had some good advice and you seem to be far more calm and rational in this situation than I would be so I have nothing to add on that front. I just wanted to say that this man is a selfish, disgusting human being and you deserve far better.

I wish you every happiness in your future without him.

Agree with previous posters this man is horrible and the relationship is over, he waited until you'd made sacrifices to be with him and then he pulled the rug out from under you.
You owe him nothing at all, don't tell him what you are planning to do, don't be honest with him. Be strategic make sure you keep the upper hand and get the best outcome for yourself, he deserves no consideration whatsoever.

What I will say OP is that men and indeed women can knee jerk react like this to even planned and much wanted pregnancies.

I actually doubt if your 6 year relationship is happy, he will jump ship in the end and leave you holding the baby.

I just don't want you to make a rash decision about a termination of a wanted baby on the basis that you would 100% be doing it alone. It seems such a shame to be throwing away a happy relationship and wanted pregnancy because he's freaking out, though only you know if this is out of character or not.

My friend had exactly the same response from her partner when she got pregnant. She was 28 at the time, and they had been together since university. her Mum called his Mum and went nuclear, his Mum then called him and did similar, my friend continued with the pregnancy with him being generally hopeless and unsupportive. It was a really stressful time but weirdly as soon as the baby was born his attitude changed and he is a very loving father. They are still together as a couple, and have more children, the child is a young adult now.
Some men do seem to have a massive wobble, Lord knows what they are thinking when they plan a baby and stop contraception, it seems idiocy to me but I have heard of other men being the same. Maybe it doesn’t seem real to them ? Who knows.
I would find this very hard to forgive, but I suppose that depends on how he behaves from now on.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this, no judgement.

In your shoes, I would terminate ASAP (provided this is truly what you want), cut him loose and never look back. He is not the man you want to build a family with.

It happened to me. We were married and it was a planned pregnancy which happened incredibly quickly. He went into a complete tailspin of panic and suggested a termination. As I had mixed feelings too we discussed it and decided to wait a little longer before deciding. He never mentioned it again. The baby will be 48 next month and nobody could have been a more besotted parent. A lot of people wobble.

Wow this is a good point, I hadn't even realised this when I read the post at first. He thought he was infertile yet he was saying let's try for a baby... wow. That's chilling tbh.

You have to get your ducks in a row before making any big decisions. Obviously you need to have some professional counselling regarding your decision on whether to go ahead with the pregnancy or not. On a practical level I would recommend Women's Aid/Citizen's Advice etc. Find out if you would be eligible for any housing co-ops, council housing, extra funding for rent as a single mother. Speak to single mums in your area to find out about childcare options and funding. Ask Citizen's Advice about how much money you could expect on a monthly basis from the father if you decide to have the child. You need to have as much knowledge as you can gather on the practicalities in order to make the right decision for you. Big hug. I have been through this myself.

this!

What an immature arsehole to think that abortion is a type of contraceptive!?! To think that "once you get pregnant we can decide what to do"?!? fuck me. What a twat. Think I would have battered him when he said that. The mental load a termination brings is crushing.

Get an appointment with your GP first and foremost and discuss the options. Best of luck OP.