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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner unexpectedly asking for termination

187 replies

apricotloaf · 30/01/2023 05:52

Been with my partner for 6 years, very happy and thought this was my future. We had a chat and he actively encouraged me to come off my contraception. Six months later I felt so lucky to get a BFP and thought he would be also. Skip forward a week and out of the blue he's raised the question on a termination. Said he didn't realise it would happen so quickly and that he isn't sure it's what we wants. I'm absolutely heartbroken over this, feel I can't continue if I don't get 100% have his backing but also the other option leaves me hyperventilating. He said he always felt he couldn't have children so it would never happen. Apparently he always thought it was a case of see if I got pregnant and see how we felt at the time on if we carried on. I would never, ever have agreed to do that.

The issue is, I live in his home. I moved from my own home to live in his, sold my furniture and pretty much everything I own and I have nothing. Please don't lecture me. I knew at the time it was a risk but I genuinely thought this was it. I can't be with someone who thinks it's ok to take a roulette on this but how on earth do I leave? I have nowhere to go, I'm priced out of rentals and I just feel in a blink of an eye my whole life has flipped. Please can someone help me make a plan?

OP posts:
Franticbutterfly · 30/01/2023 07:12

My DH was all for having DC until
I actually got pg and he went really strange and didn't seem happy at all, I won't go into detail but he also said things like "I didn't think it would happen so quickly". Fast forward almost 16 years and we are extremely happy (although have had some major bumps in the road) with 3dd (oldest about to be 15) who he loves very much. Don't terminate, you will never forgive him and your relationship won't survive it.

TicketBoo23 · 30/01/2023 07:13

gamerchick · 30/01/2023 07:07

He's used you to check his fertility?

It doesn't sound as if there is a future with this bloke whether you terminate or not OP. Keep the two things separate I would. Sorry man

I don't think he did.

He's talking shite.

I think there wasn't the slightest intention of making a "continue or terminate" decision if op fell pregnant. He's just saying that now he's shit himself in the extreme and decided he doesn't want a child now it's a reality.

The fertility thing is just him saying he thought at the back of his mind it might not happen/was perhaps unlikely to happen (presumably without them getting fertility treatment). Which is one of the reasons he's so shocked, panicking, reluctant etc. I guess.

Original poster
apricotloaf · 30/01/2023 07:14

Thank you everyone, I'm overwhelmed but the supportive and positive advice.

I'm late twenties. I do know I can continue with this if I wish, however without the backing of a supportive partner I just don't feel I can give the same quality of life to a child on my own. I'm also not naive enough to know that single parenting, and Co parenting is not easy and I'm not sure I can face going it alone from such an early point. I am very, very early into the pregnancy so time is on my side thankfully.

OP posts:
TicketBoo23 · 30/01/2023 07:15

you will never forgive him and your relationship won't survive it.

Op hadn't said she plans to terminate and continue the relationship.

Her decisions seem to be terminate and end relationship or continue pregnancy as single parent.

She doesn't seem to feel she can forgive him to stay in a relationship with him, which is understandable.

TicketBoo23 · 30/01/2023 07:17

I'm late twenties

You have no time pressure then.

Esp as you appear to have no fertility issues.

The only caveat is that a poster on here had her fertility affected by a surgical termination - damage/scarring, which I believe is rare but certainly suggests a medical termination is the way to go rsomad you are early.

TicketBoo23 · 30/01/2023 07:18

*esp as you are early

Sunriseinwonderland · 30/01/2023 07:19

He soundsike a massive prick and you need to end this relationship. He is playing vile games with you.

TiaraBoo · 30/01/2023 07:20

Did he ever say he didn’t think he could have children?

I don’t think I could forgive someone like this. But I know it’s easy to say when it’s not my situation.
Good luck OP.

lifeinthehills · 30/01/2023 07:20

If you want this baby, have this baby. It's not like it was an accident. He knew it could happen and he doesn't conveniently get to take that from you because he decided it wasn't the right thing for him after all. Zero respect for this guy here.

tara66 · 30/01/2023 07:21

He seems to have used you as an experiment! What's wrong with him? A lot is the answer! Very sorry you have been so deceived by him. I think you have to leave him. Can you find a property shared rental?

Grimchmas · 30/01/2023 07:22

I'm so sorry to read this. He's being an absolute shit.

Like others I don't believe he always thought you'd get pregnant then you two would decide how it felt. Christ, most people know better than to get a puppy then see how it feels, let alone get pregnant!

Like you I would struggle to continue a relationship with him. The underlying belief about women's bodies that it reveals - about women's role in relationships, about your specific body, particularly when roe v wade was in the news in the last few years, and in Ireland.... nah.

Don't rush out of the house. Play your cards close to your chest if you need to. Give yourself that bit of space to work it out.

TicketBoo23 · 30/01/2023 07:30

What an absolute fkg asshole - to be throwing away a 6 yr relationship with a partner he lives with , and a potential family (something he actually initiated himself!) by putting her in this position.

Flaky, unreliable, low integrity ...

He's lying too about the understanding re. decision thing if op fell pregnant. He's probably convinced himself he's not.

I would warn you op, that in my experience of situations like this; if you have a termination he'll try to say he wasn't actually totally against continuing the pregnancy, he didn't mean that, he wasn't expecting you to actually do that and various other bullshit things to change the narrative to his hysterical, extreme, knee jerking, confused, hasty partner having a termination.

That lets them believe they're actually a good guy and that the whole thing was a sort of big misunderstanding and that it was really the woman who made the decision and did so rashly. They'll often try to stay in the relationship by gad lighting their partner with sort of narrative too. "Oh I did f mean definitely get a termination, I didn't think you'd actually do it, blah blah".

Gazelda · 30/01/2023 07:39

So he's

  • tricked you into getting pregnant so that he can check if he's fertile.
  • thought you'd terminate without any consequence if you did fall pregnant
  • put your body at unnecessary risk.
Put your MH at unnecessary risk.
  • left you financially vulnerable if you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy as a single parent
  • deliberately created a child who he didn't want
  • strung you along in the relationship knowing you want DC and he doesn't
  • put the relationship on the line for an experiment
  • said things that cannot be un-said. Even if he 'comes round' you will always have doubt.

His actions have consequences. He's done all of this to you. I couldn't forgive him.

I think he should have all of this spelled out to him. Tell him to leave for a few days while you get your head around your options.

Talk to friends, family. Do you have an employee support line at work?

piedbeauty · 30/01/2023 07:45

Tell him to leave for a few days while you get your head around your options.

They live in his house. Can't see him leaving.

Original poster
apricotloaf · 30/01/2023 07:55

Thank you everyone, reading your responses has really helped me. You've managed to summarise things in a way I haven't been able to do with feeling so emotional and I feel equipped now to sit down and have a real frank and honest conversation about how I'm feeling because you've all given me the words I couldn't find yesterday. I'm very, very grateful and appreciative to each of you,

I think my plan is to just get through work today, research services in the area that can help me, speak with him tonight and give him the opportunity to hear his side again and then get my ducks in a row. Ultimately, I don't think there's much he can say to turn this around. I'm really grateful that this platform exists for women to support other women. You've all given me a little bit of strength from each of your posts to get out of bed this morning.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 30/01/2023 08:05

Unless it turns out that he has just panicked, this man is truly disgusting. If I have understood correctly, and I apologise if I haven’t, he seems to have a totally cavalier attitude to you and to women in general regarding his fertility - as though he never thought about the consequences of unprotected sex.
There is no way I would ever continue a relationship with a man like this.
The issue now is whether you continue the pregnancy - everyone of us would be in slightly different circumstances and have different beliefs, but as you are at an early stage you do have some time to make your decision.

Naunet · 30/01/2023 08:05

Apparently he always thought it was a case of see if I got pregnant and see how we felt at the time on if we carried on

How fucking dare he? I’m furious on your behalf. Does he have any idea what an abortion involves? Does he think it’s a male contraception choice? Does he even see you as a human if he’s so willing to put you through something like that just to check his balls work? Stupid, selfish prick, you absolutely need to leave him.

You can call your GP to get a referral for an abortion, or go private and make him pay. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. X

isthismylifenow · 30/01/2023 08:13

I know that people do panic and say some very odd things at times. But this is just really odd.

I am not sure how there can be a come back from this. This would be the out reason of this relationship for me. Although you feel trapped with nowhere to go now, there are always other options.

Whether you choose to continue the pregnancy is a whole other factor, you unfortunately do have two issues to resolve now, due to his now sudden change of heart.

Ansjovis · 30/01/2023 08:14

It may not feel it right now but your responses here have shown that you have a really good set of boundaries. You've identified that he has treated you appallingly and you are not going to allow this to persist. I'm really sorry that you are in this position but in setting it all out as you have done you've taken a really positive step towards dealing with this mess in the best way that you can. It's not going to be easy but hold firm on those boundaries, you can do this.

ButterBastardBeans · 30/01/2023 08:21

Terminate and dump. He has the IQ of plankton.

ButterBastardBeans · 30/01/2023 08:22

If only there was some means of giving men feedback accessible to future partners. They might think beyond their dicks or...maybe not.

SunflowerTed · 30/01/2023 08:24

apricotloaf · 30/01/2023 07:14

Thank you everyone, I'm overwhelmed but the supportive and positive advice.

I'm late twenties. I do know I can continue with this if I wish, however without the backing of a supportive partner I just don't feel I can give the same quality of life to a child on my own. I'm also not naive enough to know that single parenting, and Co parenting is not easy and I'm not sure I can face going it alone from such an early point. I am very, very early into the pregnancy so time is on my side thankfully.

I think you need another very frank discussion. If he isn’t on board maybe you should terminate. The timing could be wrong ( you are both still young with time on your side) - it’s whether your relationship could survive a termination. Good luck xxx

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 30/01/2023 08:24

TicketBoo23 · 30/01/2023 07:30

What an absolute fkg asshole - to be throwing away a 6 yr relationship with a partner he lives with , and a potential family (something he actually initiated himself!) by putting her in this position.

Flaky, unreliable, low integrity ...

He's lying too about the understanding re. decision thing if op fell pregnant. He's probably convinced himself he's not.

I would warn you op, that in my experience of situations like this; if you have a termination he'll try to say he wasn't actually totally against continuing the pregnancy, he didn't mean that, he wasn't expecting you to actually do that and various other bullshit things to change the narrative to his hysterical, extreme, knee jerking, confused, hasty partner having a termination.

That lets them believe they're actually a good guy and that the whole thing was a sort of big misunderstanding and that it was really the woman who made the decision and did so rashly. They'll often try to stay in the relationship by gad lighting their partner with sort of narrative too. "Oh I did f mean definitely get a termination, I didn't think you'd actually do it, blah blah".

I completely agree with this. I would say you need to prepare yourself for exactly this scenario OP. If you’re prepared for this gaslighting and rewriting of the truth then it will serve you well.

ThisIsTotallyNewInformation · 30/01/2023 08:27

He sounds awful, on what evidence did he base he thought he was infertile 🙄?! Get you pregnant and then decide how he feels about it if you continue the pregnancy?? Yikes!!

Looks like you've made your decision and have a plan, whatever you do though don't stay with this man. You've taken a big risk moving in with him and deciding to get pregnant without owning your home or being married. You are young, you have time to meet someone, get married and do things properly, where you aren't taking a massive risk.

It's mad how many women are intentionally getting pregnant with their boyfriend in this vulnerable position, you aren't even very old, why didn't you get engaged, married, put you on the deeds for the house (you can ring fence money if he already owned a large %). Just madness going straight to baby in this situation.

Greenfairydust · 30/01/2023 08:29

If you are pregnant you will be high priority on the local authority or housing associations housing list. If you decide to have the baby he will have to pay for the upkeep of his child.

I would say the relationship is over at this stage, your partner sounds incredibly self-centred, immature and disrespectful.

I would take his wishes out of the equation and focus on what you feel is the right decision for you now. If you want the baby then keep it.

I would definitely leave him and take that as a cautionary tale: never really fully on a man for the roof over your head.