Page 3 | Partner unexpectedly asking for termination

billy1966 · 30/01/2023 08:32

You poor pet.

I am so sorry.

However be so glad that you have finally found out what utter scum he is.

Don't waste your future on such pond life.

He would be an awful father so better to know.

Don't be talked around, his mask has slipped

Sindonym · 30/01/2023 08:33

Well unless he very quickly confesses to being an absolute arse I think I agree that your relationship is over. Every long term relationship will come across difficult times and the last person you want to be with is with someone who panics and rushes out the door (or tries to chuck you out) every time they feel a bit uncomfortable. He’s making a pregnancy all about him - never attractive.

It sounds as if leaving will be hard financially, but I think essential. Don’t waste additional time on him.

Cailin66 · 30/01/2023 08:39

You wanted to be pregnant and were happy to have conceived. Before you doing anything drastic give yourself some time. Go somewhere to relax, have a chat with other women and really think properly about what you want to do. There is no way back from a termination and you might regret it. If you are certain it is what you want then of course you should. Your partner seems to have been perfect, he might just be having a wobbly. It’s a big thing, men often don’t really get it because they are not the ones who are pregnant. I could never get my husband to make a decision on me getting pregnant so I just went ahead. He’s very much the proud daddy now. Hope it all works out for you.

KettrickenSmiled · 30/01/2023 08:43

Franticbutterfly · 30/01/2023 07:12

My DH was all for having DC until
I actually got pg and he went really strange and didn't seem happy at all, I won't go into detail but he also said things like "I didn't think it would happen so quickly". Fast forward almost 16 years and we are extremely happy (although have had some major bumps in the road) with 3dd (oldest about to be 15) who he loves very much. Don't terminate, you will never forgive him and your relationship won't survive it.

Very glad it all worked out for you & your DH.

But not convinced it's wise - no matter what OP chooses to do about the pregnancy - to put any weight whatsoever on whether the relationship survives.

No matter what OP decides, no matter what some PP imagine about him "coming round" (ie eventually accepting a pregnancy) this relationship doesn't need encouragement to survive, it needs a bullet between the eyes.

I too reckon the guy's lying with his crap about He said he always felt he couldn't have children so it would never happen. Apparently he always thought it was a case of see if I got pregnant and see how we felt at the time on if we carried on.

& as is clear from OP's adamant knowledge that she would never, ever have agreed to do that - her partner doesn't seem to have the first clue about the nature of consent, or as PP observed, bodily autonomy.
He encouraged OP to conceive on what he presented as a certainty, then when he wanted to backpedal & change his mind like he's returning goods to an internet shopping site, he pretends that certainty was only ever a whim.

No woman should waste herself on a man like that. A man prepared to play dice with her body, who is prepared to lie to get her to terminate, & whose reasoning (even though it's likely a backpedalling lie) is that it's fine to "order" a baby then tell the "manufacturer" he's changed him mind, no biggie, just get rid of it love. He's either pretending, or actually believes, that termination is a breeze for women who thought they were joyfully TTC their first child with a beloved & committed father-to-be.
Whichever it is - it's the manoeuvre of an untrustworthy selfish little prick, & OP would be unwise to believe a single word out of his mouth again.

I am so sorry for this devastating turnaround OP.

WedonttalkaboutMaureen · 30/01/2023 08:50

He didn't think it would happen so quickly - 6 months isn't instant!

He "felt" he couldn't have children - umm what? Has he had any medical tests? Any proof? Or just that previous partners didn't get pregnant - presumably they didn't want a baby with this idiot!

See how you felt at the time? Ummm WHAT??? Like pregnancy is a new sofa - if it's not comfy send it back??

He sounds like a complete numpty to be honest. The biological understanding of a 3 year old and the emotional understanding of a lump of coal.

I'm so sorry OP. I think you'll need to think of yourself as a single parent and plan accordingly. Hes worse than useless.

Hohofortherobbers · 30/01/2023 08:53

Don't make a rush decision on the pregnancy, you said you were delighted you are pregnant, you can still have this baby yourself. Immediately start arranging your own rental though. This relationship is over. But that is a separate decision to your pregnancy.

WedonttalkaboutMaureen · 30/01/2023 08:54

Sorry OP I initially replied to your first post as I was so mad reading his replies. I've just seen your update at 06 and if you feel a termination is right for you, absolutely as it means you won't be tied to this idiot forever.

See you GP/sexual health clinic and explain it's relationship breakdown and you can't continue.

Snowybeach · 30/01/2023 08:56

He agreed to try for a baby and considering he thought he could not have children at all you would think he would be over the moon that you got pregnant. I expect it has come as a horrible shock to you. Yes you need an urgent very frank talk but I don’t know how you can trust him after this.

Does he still want to be in a relationship with you? You need to consider all the scenarios - keep baby/don’t keep baby/stay with him/end it anyway.

TicketBoo23 · 30/01/2023 08:58

considering he thought he could not have children at all you would think he would be over the moon that you got pregnant.

Yeah, very good point.

Especially given he's the one who initiating TTC/doing away with contraception.

TicketBoo23 · 30/01/2023 08:58

considering he thought he could not have children at all you would think he would be over the moon that you got pregnant.

Yeah, very good point.

Especially given he's the one who initiating TTC/doing away with contraception.

NearlyMidnight · 30/01/2023 09:00

Just to say plenty of women feel shocked when they realise they are pregnant and actively think about terminating - including me.

We did it once without contraception - and just said "Oh well if it happens it happens" - never for a minute thinking it would. When it did I was so shocked and we discussed termination. But once we got used to the idea we were both happy - and never looked back. So the wobble itself is not a bad thing - it's how you both work it out now that counts.

WedonttalkaboutMaureen · 30/01/2023 09:02

And @TicketBoo23 has nailed the description of his likely reaction - maybe print that off and be ready to hand it to him when he starts!

NearlyMidnight · 30/01/2023 09:03

I'm not commenting on your relationship OP or your choices. Everyone is different. - I'm just saying that a wobble in itself isn't unusual.

But if he is adamant that he doesn't want children it's a different situation you have to deal with - and I'm sorry it's so hard for you.

HinnyHoway · 30/01/2023 09:07

Apparently he always thought it was a case of see if I got pregnant and see how we felt at the time on if we carried on. I would never, ever have agreed to do that.
I think I’d rather be homeless than live with a man who cared so little about me, my body and my mental health. Funny he didn’t sell you on “you’ll just get rid if I don’t want it” plan. He views women as husks to carry babies, fucking vile.

weRone · 30/01/2023 09:08

Book an appointment for the two of you at a clinic with a view to discuss your options (e.g. Marie Stopes), have a consultation together. When I went years ago we had a good chat with an adviser and she was really good at almost doing some sort of relationship counselling. Both of you will be able to voice your opinion, concerns, etc as maybe once that is done the atmosphere may change between you and your partner. I'm still hoping he is simply own shock? How long have you both known etc are questions I'd like to ask. There is a possibility that he may come round if that is what you want.

You can get through this

RichardHeed · 30/01/2023 09:11

KettrickenSmiled · 30/01/2023 08:43

Very glad it all worked out for you & your DH.

But not convinced it's wise - no matter what OP chooses to do about the pregnancy - to put any weight whatsoever on whether the relationship survives.

No matter what OP decides, no matter what some PP imagine about him "coming round" (ie eventually accepting a pregnancy) this relationship doesn't need encouragement to survive, it needs a bullet between the eyes.

I too reckon the guy's lying with his crap about He said he always felt he couldn't have children so it would never happen. Apparently he always thought it was a case of see if I got pregnant and see how we felt at the time on if we carried on.

& as is clear from OP's adamant knowledge that she would never, ever have agreed to do that - her partner doesn't seem to have the first clue about the nature of consent, or as PP observed, bodily autonomy.
He encouraged OP to conceive on what he presented as a certainty, then when he wanted to backpedal & change his mind like he's returning goods to an internet shopping site, he pretends that certainty was only ever a whim.

No woman should waste herself on a man like that. A man prepared to play dice with her body, who is prepared to lie to get her to terminate, & whose reasoning (even though it's likely a backpedalling lie) is that it's fine to "order" a baby then tell the "manufacturer" he's changed him mind, no biggie, just get rid of it love. He's either pretending, or actually believes, that termination is a breeze for women who thought they were joyfully TTC their first child with a beloved & committed father-to-be.
Whichever it is - it's the manoeuvre of an untrustworthy selfish little prick, & OP would be unwise to believe a single word out of his mouth again.

I am so sorry for this devastating turnaround OP.

Show quote history

I agree with everything here.

I also think he knew you’d be financially vulnerable moving in with him and now he’s got what he wants.

So many red flags

Bloatstoat · 30/01/2023 09:12

Apparently he always thought it was a case of see if I got pregnant and see how we felt at the time on if we carried on. I would never, ever have agreed to do that.
I'm just amazed that he's even trying to sell this, who on earth would agree to this as an option? He has absolutely no concept of the physical and mental affects of pregnancy and termination does he? Or he just doesn't care.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you OP, there are a lot of hard decisions ahead but you sound really strong and able to do what's best for you. Wishing you all the best

TicketBoo23 · 30/01/2023 09:13

Just to say plenty of women feel shocked when they realise they are pregnant and actively think about terminating - including me.

I did too.

But I didn't try to tell my partner (who was actually more reluctant to TTC, it was me who initiated, like op's partner) that we'd thought/agreed we'd see if I got pregnant and then make a decision; that continuation or termination were both on the table if a pregnancy occurred. I didnt lie and gas light like that.

I admitted I was freaking out, panicking and had a lot of fear about the responsibility and the ties.

I was clear that the difference between trying for a theoretical baby and actually knowing one is arriving in 9 months are two very different things that might oy truly appreciate when you fall pregnant and it's real.

(My p said he if he was honest, he didn't know if our relationship would survive a termination; (he didn't say it in an aggressive way, just a matter of fact, worried way) and that he thought the pregnancy was a good thing. That was not the reason I didn't end up having one, but at least he was honest & straight without being coercive etc.)

Koicrap · 30/01/2023 09:13

You poor thing. What a hideous situation to be put in after 6 years together. He’s incredibly cruel asking you to put yourself through something so traumatic on a whim! What an ignorant, self absorbed male.

Faradalla · 30/01/2023 09:14

My kids were all planned and my husband completely freaked out each time. To quote him, he said 'this is the worst thing that could have happened!' when I got pregnant with the baby we planned. He completely went off the rails for the entire pregnancy and seemed to lose his mind. He came around when the baby was born, loved the child and so when he agreed to ttc for baby number 2, I was expecting a different response. Nope. Another freak out! I have to say that he is a fantastic father who absolutely adores his children. I would never have an abortion for any reason, which my husband knew so never suggested it, but I imagine that had I suggested it, he would have been happy for me to go ahead with a termination. He seemed to feel very trapped by the reality that it was really happening and there was no way out. He seemed to go through a breakdown of sorts but he came out of it and is a different man.

You need to talk very frankly with your partner. Hopefully this is just a very low point in his life and something that he will look back on with immense regret, as my husband does.

rogueone · 30/01/2023 09:15

My OH behaved like this on finding out I was pregnant after agreeing to try. I was fuming so I let him act like a wounded pup, moping around, not sure he was ready, didn't think it would happen this quick, termination and I told him if we he pushed for a termination then we would be finished as it clearly showed he wasn't committed to our relationship. When we got to 11 weeks I told him I was progressing and he could join me or piss off. After the wobble we have two more children and he ended up being a great dad. You need to take time to consider what you want. He has placed you in a position and then changed his mind- easy for him to do that when it is not him going through the termination and all the emotions that comes with it.

TicketBoo23 · 30/01/2023 09:18

Faradalla · 30/01/2023 09:14

My kids were all planned and my husband completely freaked out each time. To quote him, he said 'this is the worst thing that could have happened!' when I got pregnant with the baby we planned. He completely went off the rails for the entire pregnancy and seemed to lose his mind. He came around when the baby was born, loved the child and so when he agreed to ttc for baby number 2, I was expecting a different response. Nope. Another freak out! I have to say that he is a fantastic father who absolutely adores his children. I would never have an abortion for any reason, which my husband knew so never suggested it, but I imagine that had I suggested it, he would have been happy for me to go ahead with a termination. He seemed to feel very trapped by the reality that it was really happening and there was no way out. He seemed to go through a breakdown of sorts but he came out of it and is a different man.

You need to talk very frankly with your partner. Hopefully this is just a very low point in his life and something that he will look back on with immense regret, as my husband does.

How did you forgive him for his behaviour, not once but twice?

Noone should have to put up with behaviour like that.

He's actually not a good father since he put the mother through such stress through both pregnancies.

And he's not a good father because a woman with a personality different from yours, having that sort of behaviour not once but twice, would have terminated the pregnancies so his kids wouldn't even exist.

NerdyBird1 · 30/01/2023 09:18

Naunet · 30/01/2023 08:05

Apparently he always thought it was a case of see if I got pregnant and see how we felt at the time on if we carried on

How fucking dare he? I’m furious on your behalf. Does he have any idea what an abortion involves? Does he think it’s a male contraception choice? Does he even see you as a human if he’s so willing to put you through something like that just to check his balls work? Stupid, selfish prick, you absolutely need to leave him.

You can call your GP to get a referral for an abortion, or go private and make him pay. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. X

Awful isn't it? To treat you partner like that and just expect her to get an abortion. Toying with her feelings. Stringing her along (when he probably would say the same about the next pregnancy)

To see the fetus as some kind of Guinea pig for testing his fertility (deliberately getting op pregnant then saying 'nah, don't fancy it').

TicketBoo23 · 30/01/2023 09:19

*facing that sort of behaviour

MrsMikeDrop · 30/01/2023 09:20

I think this is great for you so at least you don't waste anymore time with this person. He's showing you his true colours now, run and don't look back. You can do better