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Original poster

Partner unexpectedly asking for termination

187 replies

apricotloaf · 30/01/2023 05:52

Been with my partner for 6 years, very happy and thought this was my future. We had a chat and he actively encouraged me to come off my contraception. Six months later I felt so lucky to get a BFP and thought he would be also. Skip forward a week and out of the blue he's raised the question on a termination. Said he didn't realise it would happen so quickly and that he isn't sure it's what we wants. I'm absolutely heartbroken over this, feel I can't continue if I don't get 100% have his backing but also the other option leaves me hyperventilating. He said he always felt he couldn't have children so it would never happen. Apparently he always thought it was a case of see if I got pregnant and see how we felt at the time on if we carried on. I would never, ever have agreed to do that.

The issue is, I live in his home. I moved from my own home to live in his, sold my furniture and pretty much everything I own and I have nothing. Please don't lecture me. I knew at the time it was a risk but I genuinely thought this was it. I can't be with someone who thinks it's ok to take a roulette on this but how on earth do I leave? I have nowhere to go, I'm priced out of rentals and I just feel in a blink of an eye my whole life has flipped. Please can someone help me make a plan?

OP posts:
Soothsayer1 · 30/01/2023 12:26

tattygrl · 30/01/2023 12:14

Wow this is a good point, I hadn't even realised this when I read the post at first. He thought he was infertile yet he was saying let's try for a baby... wow. That's chilling tbh.

Show quote history

Even worse he was (without her knowledge or consent) using her body to test his own fertility, as if she were a mere appliance
and when a baby is created he expects her to discard it as if it were the disposable part of the appliance used to test his fertility

CleaningOutMyCloset · 30/01/2023 12:26

Apparently he always thought it was a case of see if I got pregnant and see how we felt at the time on if we carried on

This is absolutely appalling behaviour and utterly utterly selfish! Does he not realise that he's put your mental health at risk, your actual health is at risk either through the pregnancy or a termination. And he 'thought he'd see how he felt' about a potential life - disgusting man and id not be able to get past this!

Grandmasword · 30/01/2023 12:30

Its surreal how uncanny similar my experience was to yours, alnost to the exact words used by my then pertber, except mine happened 26 years ago. I left, had the baby but was in exactly same scenario as you. It was really hard but l never looked back. If you want you can message me OP.

TicketBoo23 · 30/01/2023 12:40

tattygrl · 30/01/2023 12:14

Wow this is a good point, I hadn't even realised this when I read the post at first. He thought he was infertile yet he was saying let's try for a baby... wow. That's chilling tbh.

Show quote history

I think it was more "thought he might be" "wasn't sure if he was", rather than thought he was.

TicketBoo23 · 30/01/2023 12:47

SirVixofVixHall · 30/01/2023 11:47

My friend had exactly the same response from her partner when she got pregnant. She was 28 at the time, and they had been together since university. her Mum called his Mum and went nuclear, his Mum then called him and did similar, my friend continued with the pregnancy with him being generally hopeless and unsupportive. It was a really stressful time but weirdly as soon as the baby was born his attitude changed and he is a very loving father. They are still together as a couple, and have more children, the child is a young adult now.
Some men do seem to have a massive wobble, Lord knows what they are thinking when they plan a baby and stop contraception, it seems idiocy to me but I have heard of other men being the same. Maybe it doesn’t seem real to them ? Who knows.
I would find this very hard to forgive, but I suppose that depends on how he behaves from now on.

What a prince she stuck by and ended up with.

It's nice that their mammies had to get involved with nearly 30 year olds who'd been together for years.

It's funny how the guy is lauded as a great father in the end ...even though his kid probably would t be alive if his partner had done what he'd wanted and not appealed to Mammy court to police the proceedings. Also that putting the mother of your child through such unjust distress, stress etc when they're pregnant and vulnerable and need support and stability etc more than they ever did.

What these guys get away with ..... We certainly do have low standards for men.

They don't deserve their partners and kids ..... But somehow there they are cosily ensconced in the family, being lauded for turning out to be a great dad (which doesn't say much given our standards for Dads).

TicketBoo23 · 30/01/2023 12:49

CleaningOutMyCloset · 30/01/2023 12:26

Apparently he always thought it was a case of see if I got pregnant and see how we felt at the time on if we carried on

This is absolutely appalling behaviour and utterly utterly selfish! Does he not realise that he's put your mental health at risk, your actual health is at risk either through the pregnancy or a termination. And he 'thought he'd see how he felt' about a potential life - disgusting man and id not be able to get past this!

I believe it's bollocks.

It's how he feels now and he's retrospectively applying it

..... and conveniently including op in that narrative - who never had such an idea proposed and would never have agreed to it.

OldFan · 30/01/2023 12:53

@apricotloaf I got pregnant once and my then partner was in shock. It wasn't endearing at all as he acted like he didn't want the baby. But within a week or something he was fully on board.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 30/01/2023 13:11

tattygrl · 30/01/2023 12:14

Wow this is a good point, I hadn't even realised this when I read the post at first. He thought he was infertile yet he was saying let's try for a baby... wow. That's chilling tbh.

Show quote history

This!
His thought process is entirely self-focused.

MavisFlump · 30/01/2023 13:14

Apparently he always thought it was a case of see if I got pregnant and see how we felt at the time on if we carried on

This is so coldly calculating and disgusting I honestly can’t imagine being with someone who has that mindset.

Terven · 30/01/2023 13:21

This man thinks that abortion is like having the flu vaccine. Horrible man.
Personally I never have a baby with someone that isn’t fully committed by marriage. Of course nothing is 100% but at least you’ll have the law on your side.

Dibbydoos · 30/01/2023 13:29

Sending a hug, OP. I'm so sorry.

I think he's in shock and spoke his thoughts versus couched his wording.

If you want his baby, then carry on and see what happens, move out only if your relationship with him is over. If it is over, move into the spare room. Tell him he has to financially support you and baby so staying will save him money.

Once baby is born make sure a solicitor is involved in agreeing £ including how much of the home you are entitled to and move out. He will have the right to visitation obviously so agree that too including working days so you both get time off whilst at work and ge doesn't resent all of his weekends are taken up being with the baby.

If you don't want his baby, then arrange a termination ASAP. Make sure he funds this.

Toomuchinfor · 30/01/2023 13:35

Good luck op.

DonnaBanana · 30/01/2023 13:40

Jumping from an initial wobble to thinking about your living situation, moving out, and splitting up the same day seems a bit like catastrophising. You both need to take a week and reflect on all of this before making a decision either way on both matters.

Blossomtoes · 30/01/2023 13:41

DonnaBanana · 30/01/2023 13:40

Jumping from an initial wobble to thinking about your living situation, moving out, and splitting up the same day seems a bit like catastrophising. You both need to take a week and reflect on all of this before making a decision either way on both matters.

This. Slow down.

autienotnaughty · 30/01/2023 13:49

Good luck op for me this would be unforgivable regardless of whatever decision you make regarding the pregnancy. If you can't afford a solo rental at this stage what about a house share?

Inyournewdress · 30/01/2023 13:51

Consider a flat share or house share for accommodation OP, if you decide to continue the pregnancy you might want to move again in due course but either way it will tide you over. Whatever you do, make sure you don’t remain in a relationship with this ‘man’.

Namechangedforthis234 · 30/01/2023 13:54

Please, only base your decision on if you want this baby. Nothing else. And make it clear to him that you can't just have an abortion and carry on as normal in your relationship, it will be a huge emotional thing to go through after planning a baby on purpose. Hopefully he's just in shock and will realise he's been a huge idiot and does everything to make it up to you. Best of luck.

sueelleker · 30/01/2023 13:54

I'm just saying an early termination isn't necessarily arduous experience for everyone.
Well, it won't be for him, will it?

Wiluli · 30/01/2023 13:57

You have a few months to find a solution hun . Start by thinking about ways to save money . Contribute less to where you are . Have you told him how you feel ?

BatshitBanshee · 30/01/2023 14:12

So he wanted to wait and see if you got pregnant and then decide what to do? What the absolute fuck is that. There's no coming back from that statement for me, playing roulette with your body and your emotions is disgusting, relationship has to end and you need to leave sharpish. Literally anywhere fucking else. What a mess.

kirinm · 30/01/2023 14:12

The relationship needs to end. He has effectively strung you along thinking he couldn't get you pregnant but knowing that you wanted to have a baby?

I know it isn't as simple as just walking away but that should be your aim. Whether you decide to keep the pregnancy is your decision. Being a single parent is hard but it isn't impossible and doesn't mean your life is over or destined to be a struggle or miserable. But at the same time, if you don't think you can or want to go it alone, then a termination is also the right decision for you.

Take your time in making a decision regarding the pregnancy but end it with this guy.

KettrickenSmiled · 30/01/2023 14:28

Catlover1970 · 30/01/2023 11:03

Don't you think it's important to look at the whole picture? If you read OP has already talked about her relationship so to her it's important! Read her posts properly please

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I think it's important for OP to look at the whole picture, but disagree that any PP can patronise her by assuming that she is incapable of doing so independently of whatever anybody posts here.

Of course she's already talked about her relationship - her pregnancy isn't an immaculate conception. The sperm donor who encouraged her to conceive has just lost his right to have any input into what she chooses to do about it, or how she now views him, as well what he deserves from her.

KettrickenSmiled · 30/01/2023 14:36

cupofdecaf · 30/01/2023 11:16

Putting aide the whole changing his mind thing.
He let you think you were trying for a baby when he thought he was infertile.
He was seriously future faking you.

The logic is stark but inescapable isn't it Decaf.

Either he is lying now - or he thought he was firing blanks, & is an arch manipulator.

I wonder, if OP was nicely set up in her own property instead of his, whether he would have been quite so bold, as he would not have the upper hand he now thinks he has, with OP being financially dependent on his goodwill for the roof currently over her head.

OP - your current housing vulnerability is a fact, NOT a 'judgement' - please do not imagine there is any snark behind this post. I don't for one moment imagine you are actually a vulnerable person, simply that your current situation puts you on the back foot. Which is why, again, I want to beat the "play your cards close to your chest" drum. Until you have a very clear picture in your own mind about what YOU want - don't alert him to any detail of what you might be thinking.

sianiboo · 30/01/2023 14:41

@Iamwhatiam52 The mental load a termination brings is crushing.

I've had two terminations - one at 25, another at 35. The second one, I was happily married to my husband of 5 years, we both had good jobs etc. We still didn't want children. I had the termination within a month of finding out. That was nearly 20 years ago now, and I've never had a seconds moment of regret, all I've ever felt when I think of it is the same overwhelming sense of relief that I felt the moment it was done. My 'mental load' was zero.

sianiboo · 30/01/2023 14:43

Should have added that I felt the same about both. Nothing but relief.