Partner unexpectedly asking for termination

[apricotloaf]

Been with my partner for 6 years, very happy and thought this was my future. We had a chat and he actively encouraged me to come off my contraception. Six months later I felt so lucky to get a BFP and thought he would be also. Skip forward a week and out of the blue he's raised the question on a termination. Said he didn't realise it would happen so quickly and that he isn't sure it's what we wants. I'm absolutely heartbroken over this, feel I can't continue if I don't get 100% have his backing but also the other option leaves me hyperventilating. He said he always felt he couldn't have children so it would never happen. Apparently he always thought it was a case of see if I got pregnant and see how we felt at the time on if we carried on. I would never, ever have agreed to do that.

The issue is, I live in his home. I moved from my own home to live in his, sold my furniture and pretty much everything I own and I have nothing. Please don't lecture me. I knew at the time it was a risk but I genuinely thought this was it. I can't be with someone who thinks it's ok to take a roulette on this but how on earth do I leave? I have nowhere to go, I'm priced out of rentals and I just feel in a blink of an eye my whole life has flipped. Please can someone help me make a plan?

same, never regretted it for a second

I had zero mental load, only relief.

Most fertilized eggs never make it to fruition. Sometimes our bodies make the choice, sometimes our minds make the choice. There is no shame either way.

If every embryo turned into a human being we'd be extinct by now.

Bit different to a much wanted and planed for pregnancy though isn’t it, and then getting a termination because the man has decided you have to.

Ive had a termination too and felt nothing but relief because I didn’t want the baby, big difference.

@apricotloaf Hi OP.

I was in your position a few years ago. Like you, my DP encouraged me to come off contraception, he knew I wanted a baby and claimed he didn't mind if I got pregnant. I got pregnant almost immediately and his response was instantly that he didn't want it, it was a mistake, not the right time. I had a termination, which I felt was heavily swayed by his influence, because if he hadn't had expressed his feelings against the pregnancy, I would have whole heartedly continued it.

The termination itself was tough. I was very early (around 5-6 weeks). I read a lot of people online saying it was 'just like a heavy period'. It wasn't. It was quite a horrendous experience, extremely heavy and big blood clots, I also saw the yolk sack. I had to take a week off work and be near the toilet and bath at all times. I am not saying this to scare you, but I wish I had been told the reality of what having a termination is like. I do not regret the termination at all, but I do wish I had been more informed of what it could potentially be like. My periods have also never been the same since.

Emotionally it was very difficult too. I think I experienced a form of grief for around a year afterwards. I was also terrified that I would not be able to get pregnant again.

I'm now in a happy and healthy relationship and I am 8 weeks pregnant. Me and my DP are both really excited. I got pregnant on our second month of trying. However, I do think that if I had not have been able to get pregnant, or it had taken a long time, I would be worrying about my fertility.

Also realised my post could be confusing. I am no longer with the 'DP' who got me pregnant and wanted me to have a termination, I left him soon after. I have a new partner now 🙂

Dear OP
I was you. Very similar situation, 5 year relationship though we did not live together which was a relief looking back.
The difference was that I had the fertility issues, undergoing procedures such as laparoscopy etc which boyfriend accompanied me to. I had blocked fallopian tubes and was told our chance of conceiving naturally was virtually nil. I was 38 and he was early 40s with 2 teenagers from a previous marriage. I was overjoyed to learn I was pregnant. It was immediately obvious that he was not on board and had been playing along. His “preferred option” was abortion. He refused to answer the phone or speak to me, except to once enquire if I was getting rid of it. The agony of the betrayal and the cruel way he went about it, with utter disregard for me and baby will remain with me.
I was utterly played and used, not least because I was going through some employment issues at the time and my work was insecure, which he was also fully aware of.
I was fortunate enough to have loving and supportive family and with their support, I went ahead with pregnancy. My son is almost 18. We have the best life and my son has given me so much. His Dad met him once as tiny baby (I think to prove to himself that I wasn’t lying about the pregnancy). He refused to keep in touch and never enquired about his son, which I found very cold and that revealed his true character, able to turn his back on his own baby. I felt like I was dealing with bereavement for a long time.
My parents told me to insist on child maintenance which I did, and I would strongly encourage OP to do the same, if you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy. As long as you have love enough to give, you will be alright, financially you will have to work hard. My employment ended and I took the opportunity to retrain in a profession.
I would not be without my son, who is everything his father was not: straightforward, decent, caring. One of the many positives is that my son grew up extremely close to my parents, and enjoys a loving and great lifelong bond with them.
My life hasn’t been what I thought it would be, in terms of marriage and security. However, I have a healthy child who I am very fortunate to have and I have not been in a relationship with a deceitful man who would only have made my life a misery. I won’t be retiring any time soon. It has certainly cast a long shadow in that I haven’t been able to trust in personal relationships and it can be lonely at times but none of that matters when I think of what I gained through having my son. The thought of his Dad and his “preferred option” still makes me shudder and I regret wasting 5 years of my life with such a fraud.
OP go ahead with the pregnancy if you feel it is right for you, ensuring you secure child maintenance with a written agreement ideally drawn up with legal advice. Consider whether Dad should have his name on the birth certificate as this might afford him certain legal rights which you might rather he did not have further down the line if your partner were to change his mind about involvement in the child’s life. Consider moving closer to family and friends because you will need them in the first five crucial years for friendship and fun, of which there will be plenty. You do not want to be isolated in pregnancy nor early years.
if you don’t want to go ahead with it, that is a personal decision and in your case you have time on your side, whereas I did not. I knew I wouldn’t have another chance given my age and health. That he knew that too what what blindsided me more than anything.
OP, you’ll never walk alone . I have never posted before. Take courage .

Your body, your choice OP. Don’t let him pressurise you into a termination. It could be pretty detrimental to your MH. Your partner is an idiot, he doesn’t seem to realise how biology works. A termination is very different to contraception. He is responsible for this potential baby too.

@BeBrightBeHappyBeYou
I salute you!

Well if you terminate the relationship will be over anyway as you will resent him and probably come to hate him.
Plenty of single women are excellent single parents. Help is out there.
Get your ducks in a row, have the baby if you want to and make him pay.
He is a prick.

I've skimmed the thread OP, and haven't seen this thought ...

Is it possible your partner genuinely believed he was infertile for reasons you don't know?

Is it possible he agreed to you coming off your contraception to avoid having a conversation about children but believing it would never be possible? (For example, a little like a woman who might secretly stay on contraception to avoid getting pregnant).

And is it possible that he thinks the baby might not be his...? I absolutely know it is, but if he thinks he can't have children ....? Just a thought.

You haven't seen that thought because it's completely irrelevant whether he genuinely had reason to believe he was infertile, aside from if he's been told by a medical professional that that's the case and, even if he did believe that, he should have told OP rather than dragging her along for the ride and dashing her hopes.

Well, if that's the case, isn't he a complete bastard for not sharing that with her...?