Partner unexpectedly asking for termination

[apricotloaf]

Been with my partner for 6 years, very happy and thought this was my future. We had a chat and he actively encouraged me to come off my contraception. Six months later I felt so lucky to get a BFP and thought he would be also. Skip forward a week and out of the blue he's raised the question on a termination. Said he didn't realise it would happen so quickly and that he isn't sure it's what we wants. I'm absolutely heartbroken over this, feel I can't continue if I don't get 100% have his backing but also the other option leaves me hyperventilating. He said he always felt he couldn't have children so it would never happen. Apparently he always thought it was a case of see if I got pregnant and see how we felt at the time on if we carried on. I would never, ever have agreed to do that.

The issue is, I live in his home. I moved from my own home to live in his, sold my furniture and pretty much everything I own and I have nothing. Please don't lecture me. I knew at the time it was a risk but I genuinely thought this was it. I can't be with someone who thinks it's ok to take a roulette on this but how on earth do I leave? I have nowhere to go, I'm priced out of rentals and I just feel in a blink of an eye my whole life has flipped. Please can someone help me make a plan?

So pleased that this thread has been helpful for you OP. Good luck with your conversation.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. What a bastard. I'd be taking the same steps as you, ending the relationship and having a termination.

Even if he did a massive reverse ferret now, he has shown himself to be an unreliable man who will lie to try to put himself in a better light.

If you continued down this road and you hit the inevitable rough patch that comes with small children, I imagine he'd be the type of man to then claim he never wanted kids, that you'd strong armed him into it or even that you'd tried to baby trap him.

Yes Grimchas, it's the underlying belief part that's so depressing, & scary, & such a giant red flag.

No doubt he was a wonderful b/f in many ways as OP gave him 6 years & believed he was made of the right stuff to sgare a child with - & why wouldn't she, given all he told her (but either didn't mean or is lying about now).

But he's not partner material, & now OP knows this about his core belief structure, his willingness to use her body as a fertility test dummy (or lie that he is - proof of mindset either way) & his basic cruelty in putting his feelings so highly above hers ... breathtaking.

OP - playing your cards close to your chest is great advice.
Apologies as the next bit is going to be cold & calculating. I'm a bit horrified at myself for even thinking it, but needs must & I'm concerned about your dependence on this man's roof.

Right now, having given up your old place to move into his, you are vulnerable. DP holds the most cards as he must be aware that you don't have access to the kind of funds that could get you a new rental tomorrow.
However - all the while you are pregnant & have not yet made your decision - you hold the single most powerful card.
Depending on how this sits with you morally, given his appalling turnaround, & treatment of your body & choices as his disposable toys, you might want to consider the leverage you currently have.
Does HE have savings?
Because, depending on what you want, you could present a case to him to exchange cash for termination. I know how that sounds. I know how disgusting the entire premise is. I understand the nature of precedent & the appalling way the concept could be leveraged by any Roe vs: Wade denier who doesn't give a shit about women's rights. But he has put you in an extremely tight spot.
And ... this is the sneaky part, but a liar doesn't deserve honesty from you when you are at such an immense crossroad of his making ... who's to say, once you have the cash, that you have to go through with a termination?
My guess is that he wants you to terminate, & continue the cohabiting relationship as if nothing's changed. If YOU pretend to want that too, there is your ONE opportunity to play the card game of your life, & walk away with enough £££ to start again, & make your own decision about the pregnancy separate to that.
How you would present it depends on what you think he will go along with. I would be tempted to broach something along the lines of needing a break to deal with the hurt & think about the relationship while you organise the medical side. Tell him you want a few days at a hotel while you investigate private clinics, & that he's paying, as it's the least he can do after doing such damage to the relationship.
Take the cash, save it by staying with a friend, organise a (free) medically induced termination IF you still want one, & spend the time away from him on rightmove & chatting up rental agents.

Humble apologies if the suggestion is morally repugnant to you OP.
But I don't think an honest request for him to pay you to move out would land in your favour. He's shown how much he cares about you & what you want. He's possibly only prepared to fund what HE wants, & I suspect he wants you to keep living with him as if this shitstorm is just a minor blip.

What a piece of shit, I am so sorry.

Can I please give you a warning - don't let him trap you. If you tell him you are terminating then leaving him, he may make you all sort of promises, including keeping the pregnancy, to get you to stay. Don't do this unless you are willing and able to continue as a single parent because he is clearly not the sort of man who will love, support and treat you as an equal. You'll be the unpaid servant providing sex, household services and doing all the childcare and unable to leave because you can't afford to.

He doesn't need to know you are leaving until you do.

My guess is that he wants you to terminate, & continue the cohabiting relationship as if nothing's changed. If YOU pretend to want that too, there is your ONE opportunity to play the card game of your life, & walk away with enough £££ to start again, & make your own decision about the pregnancy separate to that.

Correct.

But don't he just tell op she can get one on the NHS.

*won't

That's what my utter wanker of an bil said when my sister had a pregnancy scare ...'you can get a termination on the NHS".

It wasn't even fkg legal in our region of the UK at the time. 🙄

Never feel like you wouldn't be able to do it alone. You sound like you'd be a fantastic mam x

Good grief Ted putting the cart before the horse there with whether your relationship could survive a termination.

The relationship is a totally separate entity to OP's personal choice to terminate - or not.

It's not about whether the relationship could survive.
It's about whether this idiot deserves to have a relationship with OP at all, no matter what she chooses to do with her own body.

Hi OP,

I think you need to make decisions based on what YOU want. I'm not anti-abortion and if that's what you feel is right for you, thats what is right. However I can promise you 1000% that you can have a baby on your own. You DON'T need him to do this. I feel pregnant at an unexpected time in my life, it wasn't what I wanted or hoped for myself at that stage. I was not a homeowner, didn't have any savings.. However I ended up keeping the baby and now my child is my best thing in my life and I will never regret that. I just wanted to pop on here to say if part of your heart is wanting you to keep the baby but your doubting your ability to do so without him, I believe very much that you can do it alone and will be an amazing mum and this child could bring a lot of joy and happiness into your life.
Whatever your decision, I wish you all the best! X

Sending hugs op,dont terminate just for him,i terminated for my now ex and i live with that regret everyday,our relationship ended after 14 years because of this.being a single parent is so rewarding(i already had a ds with him).do what's right for you x

I agree.

Unless this is a wobble and he’s already coming round to the pregnancy and regrets saying what he did, the relationship is over.

This isn’t a case of OP and partner finding out they were expecting unexpectedly and them both not being ready- this was planned, they’ve been in a relationship for 6 years and OP wanted to have a baby. So did he, apparently.

OP will decide whether she will terminate or not based on her own judgement. But it’s a completely separate issue from the relationship itself.

Your partner seems to have been perfect,
Didn't he just.

Until he revealed the ugly truth about how he sees women as nothing more that test tubes for his sperm experiments. That's not just having a wobbly, that's an ugly belief that shows he believes that his flaky feelings are more important than women's rights.

Even if your 'happy' wish-fulfilment for OP came about - changing his mind wouldn't change who he has shown himself to be. He's still be a clueless twat who doesn't understand consent & bodily autonomy. Or worse - understands them, but feels they shouldn't apply to "HIS woman". Pass the sick bucket.

Well done OP, you are unbeliever strong

Even if he changes his mind now, you’re in a very vulnerable position if he changes his mind after baby is born. Do you really want to be with someone who shows this little commitment and respect towards you, after 6 years? You deserve so much better

Disgusting abusive man - yes what he did to you is horribly abusive to your trust, body and mind. I am so mad on your behalf, I'd rip into him personally if I could find his ass!
You have a decision to make OP, but as others suggested Don't rush. Think it all through properly, give yourself the time to be sure what you want. If you want the baby, you can certainly do it, believe me on that.
You asked for practical advice, so here is mine:

• If you decide termination, find yourself a new rental, similar to what you had before (which presumably you'll be able to meet the application requirements and afford again). You can also call the council but would not be priority on their list.

Perhaps house share would be a good option initially - everything included, all you need is a bed for your room.

• If you decide to have the baby, Stay at his house and tell him you won't be aborting. When he asks you to leave, you contact the local housing team and get yourself registered homeless. Being pregnant will give you priority in housing. They'll probably give you a temporary accommodation for a few months, then a permanent home. But they have that obligation for you and future child and will make sure you have a home.
• Furniture: many councils have a scheme working with special shops which offer vouchers for you to buy stuff there. So you can furnish the place with all the basics to begin with. If not, try FB groups giving things away or regular charity shops.
• Talk to your friends and family, I'm most people would be happy to help in this kind of situation.
• If you want to share your general location (area or county) on here, there may be mumsnetters nearby who would be able to offer further help (I certainly would).

Remember you are not alone. Whatever you decide and however heartbroken right now, you will get through it and you will be alright 💜

If he approaches you first and is deeply apologetic, saying he knows he was a twat but had a huge panic attack, then there is hope for your relationship. If not then you are definitely doing the right thing. Good luck, whether you decide to keep the baby or not. His loss.

I can't believe how many others are making excuses for men who've acted in the same way I really do wonder at the low self esteem of a lot of MN users.

If you have a Dad in your life, you want him to be kind, involved and to be a Lion for you when you need it. Don't inflict this man onto a poor unsuspecting child because it really does fuck you up for life.

How did I forgive him? The first time, I was having the baby no matter what and wanted to give my husband the chance to step up, which he did. We had recently got married and I really wanted to work through it. The alternative to not forgiving him was to split up, which I didn't want to do, at least not without giving him a chance. His behaviour was so at odds with the man I knew that I assumed it was some kind of crisis.

The second time around, I just accepted that he would get over it, which he did, although I was of course very hurt. His freak out passed quite quickly second time around, or at least he hid it.

I know he is deeply ashamed of his behaviour at the time and we have moved past it. I can understand why the OP would want to break up over this but in our situation, it did all work out and we are a happy family. I put it down to immense selfishness and immaturity on his part, which he matured through. Definitely not excusing my husband or the Op's partner. It was horrible, not gonna lie. Was just giving my own experience but I understand why the OP feels so hurt and upset, 100%. I'm still happy that I stuck with it but wouldn't expect others to do the same just because I did.

It also completely ignores what a vulnerable position OP will be in after she’s had the baby, reliant on a man she’s not married to, who has shown he’s very happy to just change his mind with complete disregard to the OP. Why anyone would encourage a woman to continue into such a situation is beyond me

He's a very fortunate man to have a partner who has accepted such behaviour and stayed with him through it.

I doubt he appreciates that though, since presumably you haven't inflicted hurt, stress, injustice, unreasonable behaviour etc. on him at the magnitude he's inflicted on you.

I'm starting to wonder if TTC was only ever a carrot he dangled to get OP to give up her flat, move in with him, become financially dependent upon his goodwill, then have to comply whatever shots he chose to call.

Maybe he was banking on firing blanks as well as shots.
Maybe he thought he could string OP along for years until having to confess that actually he doesn't want DC.
Given how many men do this to women (often for long enough to 'time-out' their bio-clock) it's hardly a cynical thought, it's depressingly possible.

My ex did similar to me, he raised the conversation if having a child and no longer using contraception, 3 weeks later I had a positive pregnancy test, 2 months later he admitted he has medical issues that had I known I wouldn't have agreed to a child at that point. Then when I was u months pregnant he went to visit family never to be seen again. Best thing he ever did, don't get me wrong it has been hard but every min has been worth. My child and I have an amazing relationship ans where he does feel not having a dad he also knows he is mums no.1 and she moves heaven and earth to make sure he has a good life. Do whatever it is you want to do and screw him.

Another one who absolutely agrees with this post! Be prepared OP.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. Please put yourself first, whether that is going ahead with the pregnancy or not, and get this vile man out of your life. H has treated you appallingly.

THIS bears repeating.

Please take note of @Grimchmas advice too OP - play your cards close to your chest.

This just shocks me. You “ruined his life”, like he didn’t actively have sex with you. The behaviour of men sometimes is just astounding.

Im sorry you went through that.