Page 5 | Partner unexpectedly asking for termination

sillysmiles · 30/01/2023 10:00

apricotloaf · 30/01/2023 07:55

Thank you everyone, reading your responses has really helped me. You've managed to summarise things in a way I haven't been able to do with feeling so emotional and I feel equipped now to sit down and have a real frank and honest conversation about how I'm feeling because you've all given me the words I couldn't find yesterday. I'm very, very grateful and appreciative to each of you,

I think my plan is to just get through work today, research services in the area that can help me, speak with him tonight and give him the opportunity to hear his side again and then get my ducks in a row. Ultimately, I don't think there's much he can say to turn this around. I'm really grateful that this platform exists for women to support other women. You've all given me a little bit of strength from each of your posts to get out of bed this morning.

Hopefully when you have had the conversation you'll have a clearer idea as to what you want to do. I'm so angry for you.
You both had the conversation and you both agreed and now he wants to send it back like a mistaken restaurant order.
I also think you need to spell out for him is small words the actual impact of what he is expecting of you is.

IncompleteSenten · 30/01/2023 10:02

If you have an abortion you do not want, you will hate him for it.

It's highly unlikely you would be able to have a loving relationship aftafterwards so if you are thinking you have to abort 'for him', that's just not going to end well.

ZoeCM · 30/01/2023 10:03

We had a chat and he actively encouraged me to come off my contraception. Six months later I felt so lucky to get a BFP and thought he would be also. Skip forward a week and out of the blue he's raised the question on a termination. Said he didn't realise it would happen so quickly and that he isn't sure it's what we wants.

He didn't realise you might get pregnant after six months of unprotected sex? Seriously?

Apparently he always thought it was a case of see if I got pregnant and see how we felt at the time on if we carried on.

Might be controversial, but I find this cavalier attitude to abortion quite disturbing.

KettrickenSmiled · 30/01/2023 10:03

TicketBoo23 · 30/01/2023 09:25

My guess is that he wants you to terminate, & continue the cohabiting relationship as if nothing's changed. If YOU pretend to want that too, there is your ONE opportunity to play the card game of your life, & walk away with enough £££ to start again, & make your own decision about the pregnancy separate to that.

Correct.

But don't he just tell op she can get one on the NHS.

Entirely likely, but OP will know how much value he places on keeping the status quo. If it's strong, she can leverage it. If he's cash-rich, she can ask for a week's-worth of "holiday money" while she "considers the relationship" & "finds a private clinic".

If he DOES push back on that demand request, he'd soon learn what effective brinkmanship looks like. "Sorry beloved, I'm not going NHS, I want the psych counselling course Private Clinic X offers to go with my procedure. You need to understand how much you have wounded my trust & what this termination means to me. If you make me go NHS I would rather keep my baby."

Awful innit?
Just much less awful than the toxic game he played on OP.

Doowop1919 · 30/01/2023 10:04

Starlightstarbright1 · 30/01/2023 06:19

Unfortunately you have the option of go it alone or terminate.

Give yourself time to consider what you want.

For me the relationship would be over.

This.

Sorry, op. This must be heartbreaking. For me too, the relationship would be over. You just need to decide what you want to do with regards to the pregnancy now. Your body, your decision.

Lisbeinpar · 30/01/2023 10:05

If he is serious about a termination, my advice would be to separate and also terminate the pregnancy.
You do not want to be tied to this man for the next 18+ years.
I speak from experience! Being a single mum is no joke.

AbsoluteYawns · 30/01/2023 10:06

I'm so sorry to hear this OP. He sounds like an absolute scumbag. You need to think very strongly if you want to be tied to him for the rest of your life by having his child.
You have your priorities right though. Wishing you well whatever you decide.

skippymcflippy · 30/01/2023 10:08

What a fucking piece of shit he is.
Absolutely awful.

I would suggest that no matter what you decide should happen about the pregnancy, you should leave him. He is a lying piece of shit.
The first thing to do is to look at finding somewhere to live. If you have friends and family who can support you, talk to them too. Once you can see a way forward with somewhere to live you can make a decision on the pregnancy. But you will need to move fairly fast.

If you want to have the baby, keep it - you will find a way.
Don't feel that the baby will be losing out or not having as good a standard of life/care as a baby living with two parents. The most important thing is that a baby is loved and wanted and basic needs are met. It doesn't need to have a fancy house and a load of material stuff. Of course it will be hard, but you can do it, if you want to.

If you decide on a termination this should be for your own well-thought out reasons and not because he says so. And I will say it again, you should leave him no matter what happens. Don't have a termination and then stay with him - that will just lead to resentment and unhappiness.

LosingMyPancakes · 30/01/2023 10:16

Sorry OP, your partner is a knob and hopefully an ex now.

If you're struggling where to start with the termination - I'd recommend calling BPAS. I've found them excellent and supportive. Good luck with whatever you decide.

80s · 30/01/2023 10:16

Even if you were going to be massively accommodating and say "Oh, poor dear, he's just panicking and he might come around", this is the excuse he makes up to cover his "panicking": he always thought it was a case of see if I got pregnant and see how we felt at the time on if we carried on.

So not an excuse such as "I didn't realise how I'd feel when it really happened" or "I didn't think it through properly" - not an excuse that admits he's responsible for where you are now. Instead, he gives an excuse that makes out it's all due to unfortunate circumstances out of his control; he could never have guessed you'd really get pregnant, and he thought all along that you would actually make the decision later - it's not a mistake, it's the plan, and you're the one who misunderstood.

Backpedalling away from his responsibility like mad, and admitting that he was playing Russian roulette with your body as if that's better than saying "Shit, I'm now terrified, sorry".

You have your head screwed on properly apricotloaf.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 30/01/2023 10:18

weRone · 30/01/2023 09:08

Book an appointment for the two of you at a clinic with a view to discuss your options (e.g. Marie Stopes), have a consultation together. When I went years ago we had a good chat with an adviser and she was really good at almost doing some sort of relationship counselling. Both of you will be able to voice your opinion, concerns, etc as maybe once that is done the atmosphere may change between you and your partner. I'm still hoping he is simply own shock? How long have you both known etc are questions I'd like to ask. There is a possibility that he may come round if that is what you want.

You can get through this

This is an excellent idea.
a) whatever your decision, you shouldn't have to go through this alone. It will underline that this is not just on you, to quietly sort it out with no inconvenience to him.
b) He should definitely pay for the appointments etc.
c) if you do decide to have a termination or not he should be facing up to the chaos and pain that he has caused and see his behaviour through the eyes of a professional 3rd party. And any feeble gaslighting excuses and u- turns as pp suggested will be much more obvious. He will be taking responsibility.
Also, if he won't come to these appointments. That pretty much speaks volumes.

So sorry you are going through this. Hopefully as others have said, its just initial shock.

On another note. Perhaps you should keep account of the money you have spent on the house, in case you do have to leave, eg the money you raised from selling all your furniture or invested in home improvements. That could help you with the costs of setting up independently should you decide to do that. Wishing you all the very best whatever you decide.

Velvetween · 30/01/2023 10:20

I couldn’t be with a man and raise a child with him, if he treated my body and well being with such disregard. There is absolutely no excuse for an adult man to behave like this.

OP, you will be so much better off without him. The road will be hard at the start given your current situation. But you can do it and you and your future children deserve so much better.

mushroom3 · 30/01/2023 10:21

You need to have a long hard discussion with him. It be just the shock that it happened so soon and he hasn't got his head round it. I wouldn't do anything hasty as you may regret it later.

Mulefathethird · 30/01/2023 10:23

Think about if this is your only chance to have a child (depends on your age), would you look back and regret it. Agree with others, if he is serious and you don't keep the pregnancy you are unlikely to stay with him anyway

bluebell34567 · 30/01/2023 10:25

i have read most of the thread.
all i can say is he might have a wobble. but i dont know if this helps as you cant know if/when he will come round the idea of have a dc.

KettrickenSmiled · 30/01/2023 10:27

PinkFrogss · 30/01/2023 09:46

It also completely ignores what a vulnerable position OP will be in after she’s had the baby, reliant on a man she’s not married to, who has shown he’s very happy to just change his mind with complete disregard to the OP. Why anyone would encourage a woman to continue into such a situation is beyond me

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Agreed. It's frightening that more than one PP cannot see this & are assuming OP prizes any kind of contact with this man in future, let alone a romantic partnership with him.

He's already shown how he can abuse her, & feels entitled to control her. I'm not convinced that the entire TTC debacle wasn't a cynical manipulation on his part, & he never expected to have to face the actuality of a baby.

TicketBoo23 · 30/01/2023 10:28

80s · 30/01/2023 10:16

Even if you were going to be massively accommodating and say "Oh, poor dear, he's just panicking and he might come around", this is the excuse he makes up to cover his "panicking": he always thought it was a case of see if I got pregnant and see how we felt at the time on if we carried on.

So not an excuse such as "I didn't realise how I'd feel when it really happened" or "I didn't think it through properly" - not an excuse that admits he's responsible for where you are now. Instead, he gives an excuse that makes out it's all due to unfortunate circumstances out of his control; he could never have guessed you'd really get pregnant, and he thought all along that you would actually make the decision later - it's not a mistake, it's the plan, and you're the one who misunderstood.

Backpedalling away from his responsibility like mad, and admitting that he was playing Russian roulette with your body as if that's better than saying "Shit, I'm now terrified, sorry".

You have your head screwed on properly apricotloaf.

Yeah, this is it.

It's the fact he's lying by saying "oh but we agreed to try and then see what we wanted out of the two options if you fell pregnant" .. which makes him a bastard.

Or, if he's not lying and is truly revealing that that's what he thought (but somehow conveniently didnt discuss that outright with op) ... He's still a bastard.

Pardon44 · 30/01/2023 10:32

Your relationship is over so you are going to have to find alternate accommodation. I personally would take the relationship and upheaval of moving out of the equation because that's going to happen anyway. You need to decide if you want this baby. I think you would benefit from counselling. You can ask for it via the sexual health clinic. At least then your decision will be properly thought through. Ultimately, you will be the one who sufferers the consequences of your decision moving forward. Having an abortion is hard physically and emotionally as is having a child.

TheEarlofButties · 30/01/2023 10:39

You really need someone in real life to support you through this OP, don’t feel embarrassed to ask for help 💐

NoWayRose · 30/01/2023 10:41

I’m so sorry he’s done this. A pregnancy is not an ASOS order that he can try on and send back if he doesn’t fancy it.

It’s up to you if you want to keep and go alone. But you’re young and have a brilliant future ahead without this person 💐

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 30/01/2023 10:46

You are young. Don't shackle yourself to this loser by bearing a child by him. You'll be alone and in poverty for the rest of your life, always struggling.

Terminate, dump him and focus on your career, credentials/training, saving money for security and independence. You will be amazed at how much of a difference the next five years will see, if you focus on yourself rather that relationships and domesticity. Empower yourself! So you don't end up at the mercy of another man's whims.

Good luck.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 30/01/2023 10:48

ZoeCM · 30/01/2023 10:03

We had a chat and he actively encouraged me to come off my contraception. Six months later I felt so lucky to get a BFP and thought he would be also. Skip forward a week and out of the blue he's raised the question on a termination. Said he didn't realise it would happen so quickly and that he isn't sure it's what we wants.

He didn't realise you might get pregnant after six months of unprotected sex? Seriously?

Apparently he always thought it was a case of see if I got pregnant and see how we felt at the time on if we carried on.

Might be controversial, but I find this cavalier attitude to abortion quite disturbing.

Not only that but where was the marriage proposal? He was happy for her to roll the dice in a vulnerable situation, without any legal commitment on his part.

StillWantingADog · 30/01/2023 10:49

sorry you find yourself in this position on the face of it he has behaved appallingly

However I think there is a chance he is just having a major panic/wobble. It doesn't excuse his behaviour which is unacceptable especially the bit about wanting to deal with the pregnancy if and when it happened.
I think I would give him a week or two to come to his senses and profusely apologise for his comments. If he doesn't then its best that you move on without him, with or without the baby.

WedonttalkaboutMaureen · 30/01/2023 10:51

mushroom3 · 30/01/2023 10:21

You need to have a long hard discussion with him. It be just the shock that it happened so soon and he hasn't got his head round it. I wouldn't do anything hasty as you may regret it later.

6 months for a young woman (OP said she's in her 20s) is hardly "so soon"!!

His attitude is disgusting, playing roulette with her body.

WedonttalkaboutMaureen · 30/01/2023 10:56

@Pardon44 an early termination is unlikely to be hugely hard physically, some bleeding etc to be expected but many women cope absolutely fine and can return to work the next day etc.
Emotionally is a very individual and unique
Response too.
I'm not saying to take abortion lightly (as no woman I've ever met ever does, it's only ever men who claim women have abortions left right and centre without a care).
I'm just saying an early termination isn't necessarily arduous experience for everyone.