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Original poster

Partner doesnt want sex

204 replies

Beryl1 · 29/01/2023 10:10

My partner and I have been together for nearly 3 years after meeting on a dating site ( both divorced in our 40's).

We get in really well, he moved in with my daughter and I last year and although he feels it's ' my house, not his' it's going ok.
But, he had very rarely initiated any sexual contact between us. I am going through menopause which has made things a bit more tricky ( uncomfortable) and this means he has now shut off completely. He doesn't touch me, I have to ask for a hug etc. He says it's not important to him but I'm finding it's crippling my self esteem as I want to be intimate with him. Last night, I was cuddling him in bed and my hand wandered. He accused me of 'going towards his groin area' and got out of bed and slept on the floor. He couldn't understand why I was upset. He was so angry. A couple of weeks ago, after a few drinks, I tried to give him oral sex and he stopped me using the word 'rape' in the conversation that followed. Am i a sexual predator as he would make out? I want a physical relationship, some hugs etc. I in no way want to push him into anything he doesn't want but I'm being made to feel like an abuser? I'd be so grateful for any views on this, I'm going out of my mind with worry.

OP posts:
Colinthedaxi · 29/01/2023 10:16

You need to end this relationship. You have mismatched sex drives but his reaction is extreme. He will destroy your self esteem.

Zanatdy · 29/01/2023 10:17

Oh gosh this isn’t good. He’s made it clear he doesn’t want you to touch him uninvited so I’d definitely stop doing that. Sorry but I couldn’t be in a relationship like this. He clearly doesn’t want sex, or even hugs, no wonder your self esteem is on the floor. I’d sit him down and ask him if he wants to end the relationship as he’s definitely signalling that he wants that. You can’t live like that, 3yrs in.

Zanatdy · 29/01/2023 10:18

And no you’re not a sexual predator, wanting sexual relationships with your partner doesn’t make you a predator at all. His reaction is over the top

OrlandointheWilderness · 29/01/2023 10:18

Wow that is extreme. I'm assuming you had a sex life before?!? I don't know if you can come back from this tbh, have you spoken to him?

Cocochat · 29/01/2023 10:19

He doesn't have to have sex and you don't have to continue the relationship.
Tell him to leave.

KissTheRainAgain · 29/01/2023 10:21

What do you get out of the relationship that keeps you in it? What would you loose if it were over?

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 29/01/2023 10:24

Ask him to move out

Do you do all the cooking, cleaning, wash his clothes?

Does he want a housemaid?

Original poster
Beryl1 · 29/01/2023 10:27

We haven't ever really had a sexual relationship. I can count on one hand the occasions we have actually had sex. He says he doesn't bother as I have expressed that it is uncomfortable for me but I have suggested we could do other things, touching, oral sex etc. He just doesn't make any move at all. He says he's tired. I bought new underwear on Friday as we were going out in the evening. I was wearing it when he came in from work, he looked straight through me, no comment, nothing. I asked him yesterday if he noticed I was wearing it and he said yes, but I was concentrating on getting ready to go out. I want him to want me, to show he finds me attractive etc. I told him this, he said he does find me attractive but doesn't show it. If I bring it up he says I'm obsessed and gets angry. What can I do?

OP posts:
LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 29/01/2023 10:32

Sounds like friendship rather than a romantic relationship.

You are not well matched and are not going to make each other happy. You feel rejected by him and he feels pestered by you. This is miserable for you both.

ExtraOnions · 29/01/2023 10:33

You’ve only been together 3 years, it shouldn’t be like this. It’s not just the lack of sex, it’s the lack of intimacy and communication.

I’ve been with DH for 20 years, menopausal, just going through HRT, and not feeling my best … he’s pushing 60. Anyhow, our sex life isn’t as sparkling as it once was, but we love each other, we cuddle up in bed, we laugh a lot .. and occasionally (3 times in the last year) have sex. It’s ok though, I know he loves me .. and the sex may (or may not) come back.

The difference is, we are both on the same page .. and you have to have compatibility, without it, you’ll just be miserable. If you want a bed-shaking sex life - which you perfectly entitled to want - this is not the relationship for you.

OrlandointheWilderness · 29/01/2023 10:35

No there is something not right here then. I'm really sorry op I very much doubt this man will ever be part of a normal loving sexual relationship.

ExtraOnions · 29/01/2023 10:36

…and … sex does but need to be uncomfortable because you are menopausal. I have been using Vagifem pessaries as part of my HRT and they are great

Workinghardeveryday · 29/01/2023 10:37

Apart from the lack of affection and sex, what is he like?

Does he pull his weight around the house, equal share of food/bills etc?

GhostPillow · 29/01/2023 10:37

Has something happened to him in the past?

That's a very strange response.

MermaidEyes · 29/01/2023 10:37

We haven't ever really had a sexual relationship

I'm surprised you've stuck it out for this long. In fairness if you've never had a sexual relationship from the start then you're never going to with this guy, and you probably should have realised this before taking it further and letting him move in. Either he's not interested in you sexually, or he's not interested in sex full stop. Either way it's probably time to end it.

Mischance · 29/01/2023 10:41

He is asexual - that is fine; that is allowed.

But clearly you want a relationship with someone who is attracted to you sexually - not unreasonable. You must set out to make this happen, and begin by ending this relationship.

ThirtyThreeTrees · 29/01/2023 10:42

Are you sure he doesn't just want free accommodation?

CrotchetyQuaver · 29/01/2023 10:43

I think you need to end this
Something is wrong with him but who knows why and it's not your job to get to the bottom of it.
His reactions are so extreme I can't imagine there will ever be a compromise you can reach.

Do not drive yourself mad trying to fix this

Original poster
Beryl1 · 29/01/2023 10:45

I just want to feel attractive, desirable. My husband and I divorced after he had an affair, he was my first and only relationship.

My new partner is divorced too. He's not a 'touchy' person, I know that, but I am. I'm always telling him that I'd like to hold hands, touch in bed, cuddle, anything.. He doesn't see the need for contact.

OP posts:
DoomsdayPrep · 29/01/2023 10:45

Get him the fuck out.

Toxic

Purplecatshopaholic · 29/01/2023 10:46

What can you do? Finish this ‘relationship’. His reaction is not normal, and your self esteem and mental health will be wrecked staying with someone like this. He has issues. You do not need to deal with them as he clearly doesn’t want to. Sorry op, but you need to end this sooner rather than later.

Original poster
Beryl1 · 29/01/2023 10:49

Yes, he's good around the house. Cleans, cooks occasionally, ironing etc. This is the way he shows he cares, which I understand. I am patient but implying I am inappropriate when I try to touch him in bed, mentioning rape, is what's worrying me. Am I really that person? If I don't try to initiate anything I may never get any affection soon what do I do?

OP posts:
thestealthwee · 29/01/2023 10:52

Zanatdy · 29/01/2023 10:18

And no you’re not a sexual predator, wanting sexual relationships with your partner doesn’t make you a predator at all. His reaction is over the top

If the roles were reversed though and the OP were a man....MN double standards at its best

OP I do think you are aware of his boundaries and are trying to push him past what is comfortable - you may not consider yourself abusive but if you were a man and him a woman you would be. You are very different sexually and if he can't give you what you want from a relationship then you need to end it

TedMullins · 29/01/2023 11:00

If he’s always been like this it’s unfair for you to expect him to be any different. He clearly has an aversion to anything sexual and you do need to stop touching him as he’s been very clear about how it makes him feel violated. But you also need to end the relationship because there’s no way he can give you what you want.

knittingaddict · 29/01/2023 11:06

ThirtyThreeTrees · 29/01/2023 10:42

Are you sure he doesn't just want free accommodation?

I did wonder about that too.

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