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Original poster

Partner doesnt want sex

204 replies

Beryl1 · 29/01/2023 10:10

My partner and I have been together for nearly 3 years after meeting on a dating site ( both divorced in our 40's).

We get in really well, he moved in with my daughter and I last year and although he feels it's ' my house, not his' it's going ok.
But, he had very rarely initiated any sexual contact between us. I am going through menopause which has made things a bit more tricky ( uncomfortable) and this means he has now shut off completely. He doesn't touch me, I have to ask for a hug etc. He says it's not important to him but I'm finding it's crippling my self esteem as I want to be intimate with him. Last night, I was cuddling him in bed and my hand wandered. He accused me of 'going towards his groin area' and got out of bed and slept on the floor. He couldn't understand why I was upset. He was so angry. A couple of weeks ago, after a few drinks, I tried to give him oral sex and he stopped me using the word 'rape' in the conversation that followed. Am i a sexual predator as he would make out? I want a physical relationship, some hugs etc. I in no way want to push him into anything he doesn't want but I'm being made to feel like an abuser? I'd be so grateful for any views on this, I'm going out of my mind with worry.

OP posts:
AuntieEntity · 29/01/2023 13:45

Hoolihan · 29/01/2023 11:10

How old is your daughter?

I was going to ask this exact question.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 29/01/2023 13:53

Tell him to fuck right off.

Anothernick · 29/01/2023 13:59

He sounds weird (if not worse) in the extreme. He got out of bed and slept on the floor because you tried to touch him???! FFS what kind of relationship is this - i wouldn't expect my DW to ask before grabbing hold of whatever part of my anatomy she wants when we are in bed.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 29/01/2023 14:05

I bet no man on here would use rape in the same breathe as being offered a blow job... Get rid op. He is making you feel like a sex pest
.

Mari9999 · 29/01/2023 14:22

Mixed messages on this site. When a man touches a woman when she has indicated that she does not want to have sex, the words abuse, predator, etc are all bandied about, and no exceptions are made if the man is a spouse or partner.

OP, your self esteem should not be tied to someone else's libido. If you no longer wish to be in a relationship with this man because of the apparent sexual incompatibility, then you should be honest and end the relationship.

Happygone · 29/01/2023 17:45

I would ask him to leave.

PinkiOcelot · 29/01/2023 19:00

Time for him to go. Could you live the next 20+ years like this?

Whywouldyoudothat123 · 29/01/2023 22:22

Hi op, has he always been like this, or has it been just recently? If he was like this in the beginning were you happy with the situation back then? I feel for you, as can’t be nice being in this situation !

Opentooffers · 30/01/2023 00:02

Given that you must have barely ever had sex before moving him in, I'm surprised you did so, and knowing he's not affectionate either.
The signs were doubtless all there from the start.
When you get older and date it's not like meeting in your teens or 20's. WYSIWYG applies so don't fall into a trap of a man who is flawed but could have potential if only you could change him. Well into adulthood, they are the finished article, it doesn't get any better, so if it's not right to start with, end it - or at least do it now, it's never too late.

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 30/01/2023 05:29

It sounds like you truly are simply flatmates and not in a relationship. He was simply looking for accommodation for him and his daughter. That's all. He isn't in a relationship (in his eyes), he saw a mug in you and moved in. I would end this and evict him. You deserve better than a housemate that treats you with such disdain. What you want is normal. You want an actual relationship and you have every right to want that. Time is short. Evict him.

haironmychin · 30/01/2023 06:14

DoomsdayPrep · 29/01/2023 10:45

Get him the fuck out.

Toxic

Calm down mate.

Op he sounds like me and my reaction is due to historic sexual assault. I would kindly break up.

Pyewhacket · 30/01/2023 06:33

But he doesn’t “ owe her sex” , does he ?.

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 30/01/2023 06:39

That's right he doesn't owe her sex, but he owes it to her to leave if he can't give her what she needs in a relationship.

PotatoFacedWombat · 30/01/2023 06:51

He has made it clear that he doesn't want sex, and doesn't want to be touched sexually. And yet, you do it. That is really not okay.

In most relationships, as PP have stated, grabbing boobs or whatever doesn't need consent every time, but it would if the partner has expressly said no. You know this isn't on OP.

You've made a decision to be in a sexless relationship. It isn't something I could do, tbh. Respect his boundaries or get rid.

LaLuz7 · 30/01/2023 06:55

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 30/01/2023 06:39

That's right he doesn't owe her sex, but he owes it to her to leave if he can't give her what she needs in a relationship.

No, that's not on him. That is on OP. She's the master of her own life. She's perfectly capable to decide is she wants to stay in the relationship or not.

Pyewhacket · 30/01/2023 06:56

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 30/01/2023 06:39

That's right he doesn't owe her sex, but he owes it to her to leave if he can't give her what she needs in a relationship.

Does that apply in the reverse. To all those threads where women complain of him being a sex pest. Should they leave because they owe that to him.

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 30/01/2023 07:01

Pyewhacket · 30/01/2023 06:56

Does that apply in the reverse. To all those threads where women complain of him being a sex pest. Should they leave because they owe that to him.

Show quote history

Of course. Anyone who is not happy in a relationship is entitled to leave it.

Shoxfordian · 30/01/2023 07:05

It doesn’t sound like you’re compatible; why did he move in with you when you’re not having sex or being intimate at all? What’s the point op?

UseOfWeapons · 30/01/2023 07:13

lifelongrest · 29/01/2023 13:43

This.

Show quote history

Absolutely this.

LaLuz7 · 30/01/2023 07:24

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 30/01/2023 07:01

Of course. Anyone who is not happy in a relationship is entitled to leave it.

Show quote history

But maybe he is happy in this setup. Why should he leave?

Why can't she leave? He's not holding her hostage. And it's not his duty to cut her free.

Plbrookes · 30/01/2023 07:25

Fuckthatguy · 29/01/2023 12:18

Unless like another PP had asked, ‘had something happened’? He needs to go in the bin, this sounds controlling and designed to make you feel bad. You on the other hand sound caring and lovely.

Cocklodger springs to mind, but that’s because I’m old and cynical.

Have you got a clever word for a wife who doesn't want sex too?

closingscore · 30/01/2023 07:27

Was he just looking for somewhere to live?

LightSpeeds · 30/01/2023 07:31

Beryl1 · 29/01/2023 10:49

Yes, he's good around the house. Cleans, cooks occasionally, ironing etc. This is the way he shows he cares, which I understand. I am patient but implying I am inappropriate when I try to touch him in bed, mentioning rape, is what's worrying me. Am I really that person? If I don't try to initiate anything I may never get any affection soon what do I do?

I don't think you're going to get any affection - ever - from this bloke.

Joey69 · 30/01/2023 07:35

Beryl1 · 29/01/2023 10:10

My partner and I have been together for nearly 3 years after meeting on a dating site ( both divorced in our 40's).

We get in really well, he moved in with my daughter and I last year and although he feels it's ' my house, not his' it's going ok.
But, he had very rarely initiated any sexual contact between us. I am going through menopause which has made things a bit more tricky ( uncomfortable) and this means he has now shut off completely. He doesn't touch me, I have to ask for a hug etc. He says it's not important to him but I'm finding it's crippling my self esteem as I want to be intimate with him. Last night, I was cuddling him in bed and my hand wandered. He accused me of 'going towards his groin area' and got out of bed and slept on the floor. He couldn't understand why I was upset. He was so angry. A couple of weeks ago, after a few drinks, I tried to give him oral sex and he stopped me using the word 'rape' in the conversation that followed. Am i a sexual predator as he would make out? I want a physical relationship, some hugs etc. I in no way want to push him into anything he doesn't want but I'm being made to feel like an abuser? I'd be so grateful for any views on this, I'm going out of my mind with worry.

If he doesn’t want sex, then he doesn’t want sex that’s his choice ultimately and you should respect that and not be a sex pest, but after just 3 years?, I think you should rethink this, as it’s clearly not working for either of you.

PritiPatelsMaker · 30/01/2023 07:38

He doesn't feel comfortable in your home and he doesn't want sex with you.

You need to ask him to leave.