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Original poster

Partner doesnt want sex

204 replies

Beryl1 · 29/01/2023 10:10

My partner and I have been together for nearly 3 years after meeting on a dating site ( both divorced in our 40's).

We get in really well, he moved in with my daughter and I last year and although he feels it's ' my house, not his' it's going ok.
But, he had very rarely initiated any sexual contact between us. I am going through menopause which has made things a bit more tricky ( uncomfortable) and this means he has now shut off completely. He doesn't touch me, I have to ask for a hug etc. He says it's not important to him but I'm finding it's crippling my self esteem as I want to be intimate with him. Last night, I was cuddling him in bed and my hand wandered. He accused me of 'going towards his groin area' and got out of bed and slept on the floor. He couldn't understand why I was upset. He was so angry. A couple of weeks ago, after a few drinks, I tried to give him oral sex and he stopped me using the word 'rape' in the conversation that followed. Am i a sexual predator as he would make out? I want a physical relationship, some hugs etc. I in no way want to push him into anything he doesn't want but I'm being made to feel like an abuser? I'd be so grateful for any views on this, I'm going out of my mind with worry.

OP posts:
Geppili · 31/01/2023 22:09

How old is your daughter? Get rid of him. He sounds weird and creepy.

Geppili · 31/01/2023 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

OnaBegonia · 01/02/2023 02:08

I don't understand what this means?
you cannot be this naive or maybe obtuse? this is not acceptable in a relationship, every single pp has said get rid and yet you just keep explaining his shitty behaviour away.
Do you think it's acceptable to be called a rapist for touching your partners stomach?
Wake up, get rid, move on, pity your port daughter living in this miserable home with an utter weirdo.

Original poster
Beryl1 · 01/02/2023 06:16

He is not a 'weirdo'. He may be asexual which I'm beginning to believe is the case. He has always been like this, I didn't recognise the fact at the start, thought he would change but it's not in his make up. I have to decide if I can live like this or not.

OP posts:
CiderJolly · 01/02/2023 10:05

You didn’t recognise this because he hasn’t been honest with you.

Instead he is playing mind games with you and yeah that makes him a weirdo, at best.

Cruel and abusive more likely.

Honestly, is he worth this anguish? And remember you are putting your daughter in amongst all this nonsense.

Bluesandtwos7 · 01/02/2023 10:18

He’s after free accommodation
change your look as much as this might hurt , hair nails clothes etc. study women he likes
Stop cleaning cooking for him asap today
act like you don’t care, just act like you don’t care. Go out with friends , activities, shopping let him see you look after yourself

CiderJolly · 01/02/2023 10:22

Bluesandtwos7 · 01/02/2023 10:18

He’s after free accommodation
change your look as much as this might hurt , hair nails clothes etc. study women he likes
Stop cleaning cooking for him asap today
act like you don’t care, just act like you don’t care. Go out with friends , activities, shopping let him see you look after yourself

Why should she study women he likes? How will that help?

She has a child. She needs to focus on herself and child not some cruel bloke who calls her a rapist for wanting a sex life.

LaLuz7 · 01/02/2023 10:34

CiderJolly · 01/02/2023 10:22

Why should she study women he likes? How will that help?

She has a child. She needs to focus on herself and child not some cruel bloke who calls her a rapist for wanting a sex life.

Show quote history

Yeah, that's a very weird suggestion. Maybe he likes men. Maybe he’s asexual.

How will dollying herself up help?

ednatheevilwitch · 01/02/2023 10:54

Still not been told how old ops daughter is.........

knittingaddict · 01/02/2023 11:09

Beryl1 · 01/02/2023 06:16

He is not a 'weirdo'. He may be asexual which I'm beginning to believe is the case. He has always been like this, I didn't recognise the fact at the start, thought he would change but it's not in his make up. I have to decide if I can live like this or not.

I'm going to be blunt here. He may be asexual or he may not be interested in a fully grown adult woman. He may be interested in very young women or even children. You can't possibly discount this. You have a daughter, or so you say. Her age is a bit immaterial as he could be attracted to a child of 6 or a teenager of 16.

One thing is clear he doesn't fancy you, so why is he with you?

knittingaddict · 01/02/2023 11:11

Forgot to add that if he is attracted to the op's daughter then it's wrong on all levels, even without knowing her age.

beAsensible1 · 01/02/2023 11:12

ThirtyThreeTrees · 29/01/2023 10:42

Are you sure he doesn't just want free accommodation?

this is my thought as well.

Navigatingarelationship · 01/02/2023 11:55

Even if he's asexual, that doesn't warrant him calling you a rapist for touching his stomach and making clear you desire intimacy.

All he ever had to do was explain that he doesn't want sex with you but that it's not because of you bur some issue he has. He had the choice to be kind and honest and respect your needs regardless.

The reality is he's not being upfront or honest or treating you with any level of respect or concern.

Just be aware that if you settle for him you're giving him a clear message that it's all OK.

janefondofu · 01/02/2023 11:58

Navigatingarelationship · 01/02/2023 11:55

Even if he's asexual, that doesn't warrant him calling you a rapist for touching his stomach and making clear you desire intimacy.

All he ever had to do was explain that he doesn't want sex with you but that it's not because of you bur some issue he has. He had the choice to be kind and honest and respect your needs regardless.

The reality is he's not being upfront or honest or treating you with any level of respect or concern.

Just be aware that if you settle for him you're giving him a clear message that it's all OK.

What😭 OP has repeatedly been touching him when he has said he doesn't like it

Navigatingarelationship · 01/02/2023 12:04

janefondofu · 01/02/2023 11:58

What😭 OP has repeatedly been touching him when he has said he doesn't like it

Show quote history

No one should touch anyone if they've made clear they don't like it.

But my opinion stands. Sex is normal and expected in a relationship. If the ops partner doesn't want it he should explain this honestly and kindly to her. She is owed an explanation in this context rather than rejected for making advances with extreme terminology. They need to communicate or there's no relationship.

Original poster
Beryl1 · 01/02/2023 12:08

Not repeatedly! Twice, once last year, once last week (stomach). That makes me sound like a sex pest which I am not.

OP posts:
Plbrookes · 01/02/2023 12:44

knittingaddict · 01/02/2023 11:09

I'm going to be blunt here. He may be asexual or he may not be interested in a fully grown adult woman. He may be interested in very young women or even children. You can't possibly discount this. You have a daughter, or so you say. Her age is a bit immaterial as he could be attracted to a child of 6 or a teenager of 16.

One thing is clear he doesn't fancy you, so why is he with you?

Show quote history

You might be interested in very young people or even children. Not saying you are but we can't discount it.

knittingaddict · 01/02/2023 13:30

Plbrookes · 01/02/2023 12:44

You might be interested in very young people or even children. Not saying you are but we can't discount it.

Show quote history

🙄

knittingaddict · 01/02/2023 13:32

Plbrookes, you seem to be taking this very personally.

frostyfours · 01/02/2023 16:16

DoomsdayPrep · 29/01/2023 10:45

Get him the fuck out.

Toxic

Would this be the response if it was a male OP with female partner?

DoomsdayPrep · 01/02/2023 16:22

That question is getting a bit boring. Please refer to previous long-winded response.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 01/02/2023 16:37

Had a situation slightly similar many years ago, although his reaction wasn't quite as extreme.

I think, in hindsight, he may actually have been gay, but had very conventional parents who probably wouldn't have reacted well, and times were much less tolerant of homosexuality than now.

I left him in the end. It took a while, and a lot of soul-searching, but it was the only solution. I can't see another solution for you, if he isn't prepared to at least discuss it.

Original poster
Beryl1 · 01/02/2023 17:38

I've asked that we discuss things this week. I'm hoping he will be honest and we can move forward in whatever way suits us both.

OP posts:
Geppili · 01/02/2023 18:17

How old is your daughter?

Original poster
Beryl1 · 01/02/2023 18:29

I don't see how this is relevant?? I was hoping for advice on here, not some sort of witch hunt. He's a good man, kind, caring. He may have mental health issues, insecurities or may be asexual. Why do people like to assume the worst in others? I am fiercely proactive of my daughter and would never let any man into the house that I didn't trust.

OP posts:
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