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Original poster

Partner doesnt want sex

204 replies

Beryl1 · 29/01/2023 10:10

My partner and I have been together for nearly 3 years after meeting on a dating site ( both divorced in our 40's).

We get in really well, he moved in with my daughter and I last year and although he feels it's ' my house, not his' it's going ok.
But, he had very rarely initiated any sexual contact between us. I am going through menopause which has made things a bit more tricky ( uncomfortable) and this means he has now shut off completely. He doesn't touch me, I have to ask for a hug etc. He says it's not important to him but I'm finding it's crippling my self esteem as I want to be intimate with him. Last night, I was cuddling him in bed and my hand wandered. He accused me of 'going towards his groin area' and got out of bed and slept on the floor. He couldn't understand why I was upset. He was so angry. A couple of weeks ago, after a few drinks, I tried to give him oral sex and he stopped me using the word 'rape' in the conversation that followed. Am i a sexual predator as he would make out? I want a physical relationship, some hugs etc. I in no way want to push him into anything he doesn't want but I'm being made to feel like an abuser? I'd be so grateful for any views on this, I'm going out of my mind with worry.

OP posts:
CatNamedBob · 30/01/2023 07:43

This isn't a relationship, it's a friendship, and not a very good friendship considering how he's treating you. Kick him out and find a partner who will treat you better.

BeExcellent2EachOther · 30/01/2023 07:46

@LaLuz7 "Why should he leave?"

Because it's the OP's house where she lives with her daughter.

The man doesn't deserve a free house after a three-year mostly friends based relationship 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP, it seems you want a different relationship to the one your P is offering, so it's probably time to go your separate ways; he's uncomfortable, your self-worth is being eroded.

End it now before you both feel worthless.

LaLuz7 · 30/01/2023 07:52

BeExcellent2EachOther · 30/01/2023 07:46

@LaLuz7 "Why should he leave?"

Because it's the OP's house where she lives with her daughter.

The man doesn't deserve a free house after a three-year mostly friends based relationship 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP, it seems you want a different relationship to the one your P is offering, so it's probably time to go your separate ways; he's uncomfortable, your self-worth is being eroded.

End it now before you both feel worthless.

I didn't mean physically leave. I meant why should he end the relationship if he is happy in it. Of course if they break up he should move out as it's her house.

But I don't agree that he has a moral duty to end the relationship because he can't meet her needs. That's her ca to make.

MintJulia · 30/01/2023 07:52

Cocochat · 29/01/2023 10:19

He doesn't have to have sex and you don't have to continue the relationship.
Tell him to leave.

This.

And an odd comment about how he feels the house isn't his. It sounds like he's angling for you to put him on the deeds. Is he just after somewhere free to live?

End it and tell him to leave.

That2 · 30/01/2023 07:55

Not sure how you have staggered into this position when it was clear from the early that you were not going to be compatible. Why did you ask him to move in ?

LizzieSiddal · 30/01/2023 08:02

You say you’ve only had sex a few times in 3 years and now your suddenly surprised he doesn’t want sex? That’s quite difficult to understand!

Plus as others have said you must stop touching him in a sexual way, he’s told you very clearly he doesn’t want that.

I also agree that you should ask him to leave, this relationship with only get worse and you must put your DD first. Tell him it’s over and he must leave asap.

Sereni5 · 30/01/2023 08:23

This is awful and will destroy any self esteem you have. I would end this asap and move on. You deserve to be happy and to have an affectionate relationship with intimacy. He clearly has his own issues/preferences/boundaries. His reactions are extreme and there may be good reasons for them, but If he is looking for a platonic relationship then he should be honest about this. Good luck OP.

itsthefinalcountdown1 · 30/01/2023 08:49

We haven't ever really had a sexual relationship. I can count on one hand the occasions we have actually had sex.

You need to tell him to move out. You're clearly not compatible.

Sereni5 · 30/01/2023 09:43

Just seen you have a daughter. His behaviour plus this is a red flag for me as per previous posters. I sincerely hope I’m wrong. Get him gone either way.

Fuckthatguy · 30/01/2023 10:30

@Plbrookes I’m trying to understand your unrelated question, but struggling.

knittingaddict · 30/01/2023 11:09

LaLuz7 · 30/01/2023 07:24

But maybe he is happy in this setup. Why should he leave?

Why can't she leave? He's not holding her hostage. And it's not his duty to cut her free.

Show quote history

Because it's her house.

LaLuz7 · 30/01/2023 11:53

knittingaddict · 30/01/2023 11:09

Because it's her house.

Show quote history

By leave I meant the relationship, not the house.

Plbrookes · 30/01/2023 12:04

Fuckthatguy · 30/01/2023 10:30

@Plbrookes I’m trying to understand your unrelated question, but struggling.

You mean you want to avoid answering the question under the veil of feigned incomprehension?

Fuckthatguy · 30/01/2023 12:31

Not really. I’m mean’t, I’m failing to understand how an unmarried man, who appears to be potentially sponging of the OP and making her feel awful, relates in any capacity to a married woman, who for example doesn’t want to have sex with her husband because she’s tired, postpartum, stressed *insert any other reason’. There is no correlation.

HTH

Plbrookes · 30/01/2023 12:43

Fuckthatguy · 30/01/2023 12:31

Not really. I’m mean’t, I’m failing to understand how an unmarried man, who appears to be potentially sponging of the OP and making her feel awful, relates in any capacity to a married woman, who for example doesn’t want to have sex with her husband because she’s tired, postpartum, stressed *insert any other reason’. There is no correlation.

HTH

So a man has no reason not to want sex other than he's a cocklodger. Whereas women always have a good reason such as they're tired. 'Cynical' people are never as clever or insightful as they fondly imagine themselves. HTH.

Fuckthatguy · 30/01/2023 12:47

@Plbrookes Context is everything isn’t it.
I’ll allow you time to rethink that rather furious, illogical response. All the time.

Emmamoo89 · 30/01/2023 12:50

You need to end it. What an arsehole x

Plbrookes · 30/01/2023 12:51

Fuckthatguy · 30/01/2023 12:47

@Plbrookes Context is everything isn’t it.
I’ll allow you time to rethink that rather furious, illogical response. All the time.

If only you had an answer. A good one, I mean ...

Plbrookes · 30/01/2023 12:53

Emmamoo89 · 30/01/2023 12:50

You need to end it. What an arsehole x

Is that what we call people who reject sexual advances now?

LaLuz7 · 30/01/2023 13:51

Emmamoo89 · 30/01/2023 12:50

You need to end it. What an arsehole x

How exactly is he an arsehole?

LaLuz7 · 30/01/2023 13:51

Plbrookes · 30/01/2023 12:53

Is that what we call people who reject sexual advances now?

Show quote history

Only men lol

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 30/01/2023 14:29

LaLuz7 · 30/01/2023 07:24

But maybe he is happy in this setup. Why should he leave?

Why can't she leave? He's not holding her hostage. And it's not his duty to cut her free.

Show quote history

Perhaps because it is her house that he moved himself and his daughter into.

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 30/01/2023 14:33

LaLuz7 · 30/01/2023 07:24

But maybe he is happy in this setup. Why should he leave?

Why can't she leave? He's not holding her hostage. And it's not his duty to cut her free.

Show quote history

@LaLuz7 Because if you read the OPs posts, it is HER house that he moved into. She doesn't need to go anywhere. HE does.

LaLuz7 · 30/01/2023 14:51

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 30/01/2023 14:33

@LaLuz7 Because if you read the OPs posts, it is HER house that he moved into. She doesn't need to go anywhere. HE does.

Show quote history

Because if you read the thread you will see I have clarified repeatedly that I meant leaving the relationship not the house

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 30/01/2023 15:35

LaLuz7 · 30/01/2023 14:51

Because if you read the thread you will see I have clarified repeatedly that I meant leaving the relationship not the house

Show quote history

Why would he stay in her house, if they are not in a relationship?