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Original poster

Partner doesnt want sex

204 replies

Beryl1 · 29/01/2023 10:10

My partner and I have been together for nearly 3 years after meeting on a dating site ( both divorced in our 40's).

We get in really well, he moved in with my daughter and I last year and although he feels it's ' my house, not his' it's going ok.
But, he had very rarely initiated any sexual contact between us. I am going through menopause which has made things a bit more tricky ( uncomfortable) and this means he has now shut off completely. He doesn't touch me, I have to ask for a hug etc. He says it's not important to him but I'm finding it's crippling my self esteem as I want to be intimate with him. Last night, I was cuddling him in bed and my hand wandered. He accused me of 'going towards his groin area' and got out of bed and slept on the floor. He couldn't understand why I was upset. He was so angry. A couple of weeks ago, after a few drinks, I tried to give him oral sex and he stopped me using the word 'rape' in the conversation that followed. Am i a sexual predator as he would make out? I want a physical relationship, some hugs etc. I in no way want to push him into anything he doesn't want but I'm being made to feel like an abuser? I'd be so grateful for any views on this, I'm going out of my mind with worry.

OP posts:
CiderJolly · 01/02/2023 18:41

You got advice, just because it is what you want to hear doesn’t mean it isn’t good advice.

Sunriseinwonderland · 01/02/2023 18:45

I think he wants a free place to live. You need to ask him to leave.

Original poster
Beryl1 · 01/02/2023 19:08

He reacts his own house out. He pays half of everything at my house. He doesn't live for free.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beryl1 · 01/02/2023 19:08

Rents

OP posts:
Original poster
Beryl1 · 01/02/2023 19:11

You're correct. I do want to hear what others have to say and I agree with a lot of it. But I know he's trustworthy as far as my, or any other young people are concerned.

OP posts:
OnaBegonia · 01/02/2023 19:27

What is it you want from this thread? you have continually explained away his behaviour, is it because you don't have the guts to be alone or ask him to leave?
This isn't a loving relationship, it's barely a relationship at all.
What age is your daughter?

ThirtyThreeTrees · 01/02/2023 19:55

Beryl1 · 01/02/2023 19:08

He reacts his own house out. He pays half of everything at my house. He doesn't live for free.

Yes but is his own place rented out for more than he pays you?

Is he profiting from living with you? It would be surprising if he wasn't?

Regardless, if your won't leave him, you'll just have to accept no sex life because at this stage of his life,you can't change him. It's that simple. Him or a sex life?

Plbrookes · 01/02/2023 21:05

knittingaddict · 01/02/2023 13:32

Plbrookes, you seem to be taking this very personally.

knittingaddict - you seem very keen to distract from the possibility of you being interested in children. I didn't say you were, remember. Just that we couldn't discount it.

knittingaddict · 02/02/2023 10:08

Plbrookes · 01/02/2023 21:05

knittingaddict - you seem very keen to distract from the possibility of you being interested in children. I didn't say you were, remember. Just that we couldn't discount it.

Show quote history

Just like the op and you can't discount it in the case that this thread is discussing.

The op didn't know enough about this man before he moved in to know that he wasn't really interested in sex or sex with the op. That suggests that despite what she says she didn't know him very well.

Men who are interested in children do target women with children. All women looking for relationships need to keep that it mind. They owe it to their children.

Plbrookes · 02/02/2023 10:11

knittingaddict · 02/02/2023 10:08

Just like the op and you can't discount it in the case that this thread is discussing.

The op didn't know enough about this man before he moved in to know that he wasn't really interested in sex or sex with the op. That suggests that despite what she says she didn't know him very well.

Men who are interested in children do target women with children. All women looking for relationships need to keep that it mind. They owe it to their children.

Show quote history

I don't know you at all. That's why I can't discount it.

knittingaddict · 02/02/2023 10:16

Sigh.

You don't know the op or her boyfriend, do you?

I'm really not getting into a debate about whether I (as a women and therefore highly unlikely to be) am interested in children. It's a derail too far and helps the op not at all.

Plbrookes · 02/02/2023 10:21

knittingaddict · 02/02/2023 10:16

Sigh.

You don't know the op or her boyfriend, do you?

I'm really not getting into a debate about whether I (as a women and therefore highly unlikely to be) am interested in children. It's a derail too far and helps the op not at all.

OK, so you're not denying it. Fair enough.

theleafandnotthetree · 02/02/2023 10:29

I am utterly baffled as to how this ever got as far as a three year/living together relationship. I dated a man last year who was very nice, clever, great values etc but was a bit of a wet fish when we kissed the second date. I figured I'd give it another go and we had a few more dates but on the last one, we hugged goodnight and a peck on the cheek and that was it. And that WAS it. I have no interest in gaining a friend or a housemate, I have loads of the former and have no interest in the latter. I want someone who I fancy and who fancies me, where there's fun and spark and proper kissing and sex. Or I'd genuinely rather have nothing, there is something soul destroying and draining about what you describe OP. It is not cost neutral, it can make your life and your self esteem much worse than singledom ever could.

parlourb · 02/02/2023 12:56

@Plbrookes are you OPs "partner" ? Why are you trying to derail the thread ? You are correct we absolutely can't discount that knittingadict might be interested in children, however unlikely since this is an anonymous forum,no offence @knittingaddict .
But what has that got to do with this ? She is absolutely right men who are interested in children DO target single mothers unfortunately and it would be naive and dangerous to believe otherwise wouldn't it ?

knittingaddict · 02/02/2023 15:22

parlourb · 02/02/2023 12:56

@Plbrookes are you OPs "partner" ? Why are you trying to derail the thread ? You are correct we absolutely can't discount that knittingadict might be interested in children, however unlikely since this is an anonymous forum,no offence @knittingaddict .
But what has that got to do with this ? She is absolutely right men who are interested in children DO target single mothers unfortunately and it would be naive and dangerous to believe otherwise wouldn't it ?

No offence taken. 😀

For the record, no I am not interested in children.

I am a woman married to a man for almost 40 years and not a man living with a woman with whom he has no sexual interest and who happens to have a daughter. Of course paedophiles can be anyone and anywhere, but statistically the op's boyfriend is more likely to be in that category than I am.

Not saying he is at all, but it's something all single women need to consider if they are sensible.

knittingaddict · 02/02/2023 15:23

Correction - Single mothers, not single women.

Original poster
Beryl1 · 02/02/2023 16:13

This has gone down a completely different road to the one I had invisaged. I initially posted because I was hoping to get advice/ tips from people who have experience of this type of situation, with a view to saving my relationship. I love my partner. He's not a peadophile, a gold digger or a narcissist. Just a man who, for some reason, finds it difficult to me intimate with me. In every other aspect he's lovely and worth hanging onto.

OP posts:
IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 02/02/2023 16:15

A man that does not give a damn about your needs and won't even make an effort, instead gaslights you and calls you a rapist is NOT worth hanging on to unless you're incredibly desperate and lacking in self esteem. Btw, he isn't your partner. You don't have a relationship. Have some self respect. It's 2023.

Original poster
Beryl1 · 02/02/2023 16:16

He's not profiting from living with me.
I will accept it how it is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beryl1 · 02/02/2023 16:18

I'm not desperate. I was happy alone for 10 years after my marriage ended. I can be on my own again should I choose to be. It's a shame though, I would miss him.

OP posts:
IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 02/02/2023 16:18

You'll 'accept' not being in a sexual relationship? Where is your self respect?

theleafandnotthetree · 02/02/2023 16:23

Beryl1 · 02/02/2023 16:16

He's not profiting from living with me.
I will accept it how it is.

It's your life and your choice but you started this thread for a good reason. You are choosing to get defensive in reaction to some of your partners more extreme detractors but there is lots of middle ground sensible advice here too. I personally feel this is a very fundamental issue that will continually come back to haunt you.

Original poster
Beryl1 · 02/02/2023 16:29

Thank you. Yes, there is a lot of measured advice that I will take into consideration. I'm a mental health practitioner and think there is vitriol on here that benefits no one. Kindness and acceptance is key. We all have our struggles.

OP posts:
theleafandnotthetree · 02/02/2023 16:40

Beryl1 · 02/02/2023 16:29

Thank you. Yes, there is a lot of measured advice that I will take into consideration. I'm a mental health practitioner and think there is vitriol on here that benefits no one. Kindness and acceptance is key. We all have our struggles.

There are always some who chose the worst possible interpretation of a person or a situation but what would concern me here is how your partner is characterising your perfectly normal desire for closeness and sex. It is very extreme and while he is clearly the one with the problem, you are the one who is being made to feel bad. That is just a bad dynamic almost regardless of the issue. Good luck OP and I am sorry you are having to deal with this. You deserve to have someone mad about you and who shows it.

Deerlight · 02/02/2023 17:54

I have a stong feeling that he might have been abused...There is a reason why ppl don't want to have sex.. and it suspect this might be it for him. He might not even be aware of abuse but his reactions are kind of classic.
I know it can be painful to not have sexual need met so i feel for you. I think some heart to heart talks.. tell him you want to feel close and loving and ask what he wants. Maybe think about some counselling- if this is the only issue ( i know its a big one) it might be an opportunity to get really close:)
if he does not want to address this then you have the clarity and power to choose to leave or have a consentual open relationship etc good luck x

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