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Original poster

Partner doesnt want sex

204 replies

Beryl1 · 29/01/2023 10:10

My partner and I have been together for nearly 3 years after meeting on a dating site ( both divorced in our 40's).

We get in really well, he moved in with my daughter and I last year and although he feels it's ' my house, not his' it's going ok.
But, he had very rarely initiated any sexual contact between us. I am going through menopause which has made things a bit more tricky ( uncomfortable) and this means he has now shut off completely. He doesn't touch me, I have to ask for a hug etc. He says it's not important to him but I'm finding it's crippling my self esteem as I want to be intimate with him. Last night, I was cuddling him in bed and my hand wandered. He accused me of 'going towards his groin area' and got out of bed and slept on the floor. He couldn't understand why I was upset. He was so angry. A couple of weeks ago, after a few drinks, I tried to give him oral sex and he stopped me using the word 'rape' in the conversation that followed. Am i a sexual predator as he would make out? I want a physical relationship, some hugs etc. I in no way want to push him into anything he doesn't want but I'm being made to feel like an abuser? I'd be so grateful for any views on this, I'm going out of my mind with worry.

OP posts:
Mom2K · 30/01/2023 15:50

I think within a healthy relationship there isn't anything wrong at all with beginning to touch each other and having it lead to more. I mean that's perfectly normal...it's just not ok if one person has made it clear they don't like that, or "not right now" or whatever and the other person doesn't respect that.

You are not wrong for wanting to initiate (and I'd be saying this is you were a man too) but it's not ok if you know the other person doesn't want that.

I wouldn't spend too much time worrying about that - the fact is this relationship is destroying your confidence and not meeting your needs. And it never will. He doesn't want any intimacy with you at all and this is never going to change. Yiu really should end the relationship. Of a relationship is not making you feel secure and happy then what's the point of it?

Original poster
Beryl1 · 30/01/2023 16:44

I initiate intimacy very rarely, not even once a week. I do this in case things have changed. He had told me that it will in time but after I tried last time he doesn't trust me and I'll have to regain that. I am 51, have only had one partner in my life, who cheated on me and left. So, I want a life partner, someone to share in everything. Sex is just a part of that, the rest is good. That's why it's hard to say 'it's over' based on this issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beryl1 · 30/01/2023 16:53

He owns a house so he's not relying on me for money or a place to live. He has trust issues. He nearly broke up with me because I messaged a celebrity about a show we'd been to, saying how much we'd both enjoyed it. I ended the message with a 😘 and that was it..... Trust had gone, who else was I messaging and ending with a 😘 etc. He said he couldn't see a way forward after this but after a couple of days it was ok.

OP posts:
Wakemeup17 · 30/01/2023 16:56

Beryl1 · 30/01/2023 16:53

He owns a house so he's not relying on me for money or a place to live. He has trust issues. He nearly broke up with me because I messaged a celebrity about a show we'd been to, saying how much we'd both enjoyed it. I ended the message with a 😘 and that was it..... Trust had gone, who else was I messaging and ending with a 😘 etc. He said he couldn't see a way forward after this but after a couple of days it was ok.

That's weird. Bin him. Other men do exist.

RealeyesRealizeReallies · 30/01/2023 16:57

This will NEVER work, no matter how hard you try.

Beryl, ship hm out and move on. Life is so short.

Discontinued · 30/01/2023 16:59

This kind of mirrors what I went through as a man, Things where great in the beginning, but my ex never initiated sex. We stayed together way to long, If i touched her she would push me away I too always had to ask for hugs and any affection. For her sex seemed to be a duty, something to get out of the way before we did our daily routines of work and everyday life stuff.

What finally broke me was when we where half way through making love and she asked me to stop.

I felt like a rapist, and as someone who was sexually abused as a young boy it shattered my self confidence and caused me to suffer from erectile disfunction.

Which ruined a new relationship I was hoping would work out, this new lady took it as an insult that I couldn't get it up. I was too ashamed to tell her why.

ThirtyThreeTrees · 30/01/2023 17:03

I'm really sorry to be this blunt but do you really not understand how dysfunctional this?

This man has significant intimacy and control issues that are beyond your (and most others) ability to fix.

He can not give you the loving, stable relationship you can and whatever about potentially dealing with no intimacy, the control issues are concerning.

Original poster
Beryl1 · 30/01/2023 17:22

He's caring, often cooking, cleaning, making tea etc. So I hate to portray him as a bad partner in that sense. Isn't every relationship flawed to some extent? I have suggested we write questions down and give them to each other to answer as he gets frustrated when I ask him all the time. He's agreed to this, I'm hoping it will lead to an honest, open conversation. He's quite prudish, doesn't discuss sex etc. So this may mean he can express himself in a non-confrontational way?

OP posts:
LaLuz7 · 30/01/2023 17:28

Beryl1 · 30/01/2023 17:22

He's caring, often cooking, cleaning, making tea etc. So I hate to portray him as a bad partner in that sense. Isn't every relationship flawed to some extent? I have suggested we write questions down and give them to each other to answer as he gets frustrated when I ask him all the time. He's agreed to this, I'm hoping it will lead to an honest, open conversation. He's quite prudish, doesn't discuss sex etc. So this may mean he can express himself in a non-confrontational way?

He will not change. He's not just unbothered, he sounds repulsed by the idea of sex.

All you need to decide right now is can you live without sex? Are his qualities enough to make up for the lack of intimacy? Because you can't have both.

It's easy. Either accept him as he is (and stop asking for it) or break up and find someone who wants the same thing as you.

Colinthedaxi · 30/01/2023 17:47

He doesn’t sound any better every time you post!!

“often cooking, cleaning and making cups of tea” - that’s the bare bloody minimum in a relationship / house mate isn’t it?!! He can’t communicate, sulks, doesn’t want sex and is controlling…

I don’t know why people put up with so little TBH.

janefondofu · 30/01/2023 17:52

DoomsdayPrep · 29/01/2023 10:45

Get him the fuck out.

Toxic

You wouldn't say this if it was a man writing about his wife.

DoomsdayPrep · 30/01/2023 18:07

janefondofu · 30/01/2023 17:52

You wouldn't say this if it was a man writing about his wife.

Show quote history

Not quite the gotcha you’d intended, as you a) don’t know me and b) can’t read minds.

Usually better to pose such critiques as questions. “What would you say if it were a man writing about his wife?”

OK!

I would say

a) he isn’t her husband, he’s a cocklodger who provides no cock. << bad deal. Thus you should really ask me what I’d say if it were a man writing about his live-in asexual girlfriend.

b) but I’ll bite. I’d tell this fantasy husband that he has a right to a healthy and active sex life, that their mismatched sex drives must not imprison him in his marriage, that he needs to communicate with his wife to renegotiate their relationship so that his sexual needs can be met, inside or outside of the marriage, whether this means sex therapy as a couple, polyamory, don’t ask don’t tell affairs, or divorce. I’d tell him that anyone shaming anyone for their normal sexual desires is abusing them. I’d tell him I think monogamy is a shit concept and that I left a similar marriage.

Anothernick · 30/01/2023 18:47

Sexual frustration is corrosive to a relationship, it tends to magnify other problems. Some people, no doubt, live with it but if you are used to regular sex going without must be tough. Hard to see a future in the OPs relationship I think.

Fuckthatguy · 30/01/2023 19:16

@DoomsdayPrep

<< bad deal

weep.

Ohhhhh, it’s been a long day and that has helped.

GirlFromUpNorth · 30/01/2023 19:28

You’re not compatible. Tell him to leave.

Plbrookes · 30/01/2023 19:29

Fuckthatguy · 30/01/2023 19:16

@DoomsdayPrep

<< bad deal

weep.

Ohhhhh, it’s been a long day and that has helped.

It's like feminism never happened for some posters.

ArcticSkewer · 30/01/2023 19:38

He seems to have been clear from the beginning that this is a no-sex relationship. He isn't willing to explore that or explain any reasons for that. So you are where you are.

I'd suggest your self esteem was low and sex seemed a bit scary after your divorce so you went along with it.

Up to you if it's enough for you, but from his reaction you really need to stop trying to touch him sexually. It's perceived as abusive by him.

I'd leave, but I'm not you

parlourb · 30/01/2023 20:01

Hi op , your first post you state you want a physical relationship, hugs etc.
You won't get this from this man. There are lots of other men, and being alone is better than being rejected.

JamieNorthlife · 30/01/2023 20:23

Op, you don't say how old is your DD.

Naunet · 31/01/2023 08:52

Plbrookes · 30/01/2023 12:43

So a man has no reason not to want sex other than he's a cocklodger. Whereas women always have a good reason such as they're tired. 'Cynical' people are never as clever or insightful as they fondly imagine themselves. HTH.

Show quote history

If you want to focus on how hard done by the poor menz are, take it somewhere else and start your own thread.

OP, will he not even hug you? Thant goes way beyond sex and implies that he’s using you. You need to kick him out, he’s not the man for you and I’d be concerned about his true intentions. He’s very, very extreme in his reactions.

Plbrookes · 31/01/2023 11:04

Naunet · 31/01/2023 08:52

If you want to focus on how hard done by the poor menz are, take it somewhere else and start your own thread.

OP, will he not even hug you? Thant goes way beyond sex and implies that he’s using you. You need to kick him out, he’s not the man for you and I’d be concerned about his true intentions. He’s very, very extreme in his reactions.

Show quote history

If your argument relies on using the word 'menz' you need a better argument. Can't stand hypocrites ...

Naunet · 31/01/2023 11:53

Plbrookes · 31/01/2023 11:04

If your argument relies on using the word 'menz' you need a better argument. Can't stand hypocrites ...

Show quote history

It’s not an argument, it’s a request to take your derailing somewhere else, but please do feel free to point out where I’ve been a hypocrite, can’t wait for you to show me.

Out of interest, if this was the other way around, would you think it’s reasonable for a woman to call her partner a rapist if he tried to instigate oral? I doubt it…

LaLuz7 · 31/01/2023 11:59

@Naunet, yes... if a man knows perfectly well that his partner does not want sex with him, yet still instigates by pawing at her privates out of the blue, the phrase sexual assault does spring to mind...

OP cannot just grab his junk as a means to initiating. That's absolutely not respectful, to say the least.

I'm a woman and the clear double standards around this annoy me to no end. Ughhh

Naunet · 31/01/2023 12:07

LaLuz7 · 31/01/2023 11:59

@Naunet, yes... if a man knows perfectly well that his partner does not want sex with him, yet still instigates by pawing at her privates out of the blue, the phrase sexual assault does spring to mind...

OP cannot just grab his junk as a means to initiating. That's absolutely not respectful, to say the least.

I'm a woman and the clear double standards around this annoy me to no end. Ughhh

Ahh I see, we have to make things up to make your argument work. To try and make the perfectly reasonable expectation of physical affection (not just sex) abnormal and unreasonable. We have to pretend OP is grabbing his dick randomly and constantly harassing him even though that’s not the case.

There are no double standards, put your cape away, OPs actions whether from a man or a woman, are not rape and it’s sick to pretend it is.

LaLuz7 · 31/01/2023 12:13

Naunet · 31/01/2023 12:07

Ahh I see, we have to make things up to make your argument work. To try and make the perfectly reasonable expectation of physical affection (not just sex) abnormal and unreasonable. We have to pretend OP is grabbing his dick randomly and constantly harassing him even though that’s not the case.

There are no double standards, put your cape away, OPs actions whether from a man or a woman, are not rape and it’s sick to pretend it is.

Show quote history

I'm not calling them rape, but I am calling them pushing boundaries.

By OP's own addimission she has physically tried to touch him privately when he has made it clear many times he is not interested in that.

OP needs to either accept that or leave the relationship. She can't stay and become a sex pest. Not ok.