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Original poster

Partner doesnt want sex

204 replies

Beryl1 · 29/01/2023 10:10

My partner and I have been together for nearly 3 years after meeting on a dating site ( both divorced in our 40's).

We get in really well, he moved in with my daughter and I last year and although he feels it's ' my house, not his' it's going ok.
But, he had very rarely initiated any sexual contact between us. I am going through menopause which has made things a bit more tricky ( uncomfortable) and this means he has now shut off completely. He doesn't touch me, I have to ask for a hug etc. He says it's not important to him but I'm finding it's crippling my self esteem as I want to be intimate with him. Last night, I was cuddling him in bed and my hand wandered. He accused me of 'going towards his groin area' and got out of bed and slept on the floor. He couldn't understand why I was upset. He was so angry. A couple of weeks ago, after a few drinks, I tried to give him oral sex and he stopped me using the word 'rape' in the conversation that followed. Am i a sexual predator as he would make out? I want a physical relationship, some hugs etc. I in no way want to push him into anything he doesn't want but I'm being made to feel like an abuser? I'd be so grateful for any views on this, I'm going out of my mind with worry.

OP posts:
Naunet · 31/01/2023 12:19

LaLuz7 · 31/01/2023 12:13

I'm not calling them rape, but I am calling them pushing boundaries.

By OP's own addimission she has physically tried to touch him privately when he has made it clear many times he is not interested in that.

OP needs to either accept that or leave the relationship. She can't stay and become a sex pest. Not ok.

Show quote history

Keep reaching, she didn’t touch his dick.

Last night, I was cuddling him in bed and my hand wandered. He accused me of 'going towards his groin area' and got out of bed and slept on the floor

LaLuz7 · 31/01/2023 12:21

Naunet · 31/01/2023 12:19

Keep reaching, she didn’t touch his dick.

Last night, I was cuddling him in bed and my hand wandered. He accused me of 'going towards his groin area' and got out of bed and slept on the floor

Show quote history

She didn't touch it cause he stopped her...

Naunet · 31/01/2023 12:23

LaLuz7 · 31/01/2023 12:21

She didn't touch it cause he stopped her...

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And that is purely your conclusion, not a fact.

Plbrookes · 31/01/2023 12:23

Naunet · 31/01/2023 11:53

It’s not an argument, it’s a request to take your derailing somewhere else, but please do feel free to point out where I’ve been a hypocrite, can’t wait for you to show me.

Out of interest, if this was the other way around, would you think it’s reasonable for a woman to call her partner a rapist if he tried to instigate oral? I doubt it…

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Not rape. Sexual assault. If you think your partner won't welcome sexual advances you can ask them but you don't grab their body parts as if you own them. You'd be OK with someone (male or female) doing that to you when you'd made it clear you weren't interested?

Naunet · 31/01/2023 12:23

Plbrookes · 31/01/2023 12:23

Not rape. Sexual assault. If you think your partner won't welcome sexual advances you can ask them but you don't grab their body parts as if you own them. You'd be OK with someone (male or female) doing that to you when you'd made it clear you weren't interested?

Show quote history

Show me where she says she grabbed his dick then.

Squamata · 31/01/2023 12:26

You're incompatible. It's a relatively new relationship. If someone wants a platonic relationship they should be open about that at the start.

It's a bit different when you've been together 20 years and one person goes off sex, but at this point in the relationship you're better off splitting up.

I'd also make sure you play the field a bit, date a few people and commit to not having a committed relationship for at least a year, sounds like this guy was kind of a rebound because your confidence was low.

You're very clearly not a predator but he's very clearly not interested in sex. He just hasn't explicitly stated that. I think if he starts saying you're 'inappropriate' etc that's tantamount to telling you sex is off the cards forever.

Navigatingarelationship · 31/01/2023 12:30

Sounds like he might have a history of serial abuse or have some trauma there.

It's not your fault op, it's his issue. He doesn't want any intimacy with you. You are worth finding someone who does.

Navigatingarelationship · 31/01/2023 12:30

*sexual abuse

CiderJolly · 31/01/2023 12:32

Stop wasting time wondering why and look at his actions. He doesn’t like you in that way, the reason isn’t relevant, there’s nothing you can do about it. He ain’t gonna change.

If you want a relationship that works for you then you need to end this one and get looking. You honestly deserve so much better.

Plbrookes · 31/01/2023 14:23

Naunet · 31/01/2023 12:23

Show me where she says she grabbed his dick then.

Show quote history

"A couple of weeks ago, after a few drinks, I tried to give him oral sex and he stopped me"

You're not going to argue that she might have tried doing it with no hands. Are you?

Whydidimarryhim · 31/01/2023 14:31

He’s not going to change - this is who he is - it’s not you - you need to decide if it’s enough for you - but from what you have said it doesn’t sound like it. He wants a companion. His reaction is extreme and I’d question if he is gay or a sexual.

Original poster
Beryl1 · 31/01/2023 16:38

That is correct, I didn't touch his 'dick'. My hand was on his stomach. I was cautious not to go 'there' but apparently, the stomach was still too close. To clarify, he hasn't said sex will never happen, he says it is not completely off the cards, but won't tell me what needs to change in order to facilitate this. I'm so confused, if I stop showing him physical affection will it cease completely? He'll accept a hug occasionally but seems tense when I do that.

OP posts:
CiderJolly · 31/01/2023 16:42

You are wasting your time with him, throw him back, move on, life is too short.

Navigatingarelationship · 31/01/2023 16:43

If he was concerned about your feelings and needs he would have taken steps to sort this before now or at least been honest about why he can't offer sex. This is a lost cause sadly. He's probably hinting at sex in the future to stop you from leaving altogether. You've always got that bit of hope but it's unlikely to ever come to anything. You have the choice here.

OnaBegonia · 31/01/2023 18:17

Personally, I wouldn't entertain this, you've a long life to live, don't settle for this vile creature.
Saying rape and lying on floor, off he fucks.

mcmooberry · 31/01/2023 18:23

This is never going to get any better, please end this and give yourself the chance to find someone who you can have a full relationship with.

Haffiana · 31/01/2023 18:38

This sounds like one of those scenarios dreamed up on Reddit or Pistonheads to prove a point about MN.

Why? -Because nowhere have you stated anything whatsoever about the rest of your actual relationship or feelings, or about talking together. Just that he is good around the house and a literally unbelievably irrelevant episode with underwear.

To clarify, he hasn't said sex will never happen, he says it is not completely off the cards, but won't tell me what needs to change in order to facilitate this.

This is bloke speak.

jtaeapa · 31/01/2023 18:48

Get rid of him. Now. Don’t let this go on.

the problem is not mismatched sex drives, the problems are that he refuses to communicate and calls you a rapist for showing a tiny bit of affection. He’ll destroy your self esteem. This is not a life partner.

jtaeapa · 31/01/2023 18:49

I would tell him it’s not working out. You don’t owe him more communication as he doesn’t extend that courtesy to you.

MermaidEyes · 31/01/2023 19:21

We haven't ever really had a sexual relationship. I can count on one hand the occasions we have actually had sex

This bit still confuses me, and you haven't really answered the question. If you've never really had a sexual relationship, why do you expect things to change now? You obviously started off the relationship as you meant to go on.

Anothernick · 31/01/2023 19:22

The difference between a relationship and a friendship is that a relationship provides physical affection - touching, kissing, sex - whereas a friendship doesn't allow these things. Your DP accuses you of assault even if you touch him in a non-sexual way. This is not a relationship and his attitude suggests that it's not even much of a friendship.

Original poster
Beryl1 · 31/01/2023 19:35

I thought as we'd both been single since divorce (5 years) that it would just take time to trust etc. He wasn't even comfortable with me holding his arm when walking at first, saying it felt 'weird' . Things did improve, but have regressed ever since I said sex was painful. He's now switched off completely again. I wonder if that was just a useful excuse to use?

OP posts:
Original poster
Beryl1 · 31/01/2023 19:54

Why? -Because nowhere have you stated anything whatsoever about the rest of your actual relationship or feelings, or about talking together. Just that he is good around the house and a literally unbelievably irrelevant episode with underwear....
I don't understand what this means?

OP posts:
MaireadMcSweeney · 31/01/2023 20:04

Beryl1 · 31/01/2023 19:35

I thought as we'd both been single since divorce (5 years) that it would just take time to trust etc. He wasn't even comfortable with me holding his arm when walking at first, saying it felt 'weird' . Things did improve, but have regressed ever since I said sex was painful. He's now switched off completely again. I wonder if that was just a useful excuse to use?

Obviously it was an excuse! I'm not sure why you're finding this so difficult to grasp - he's asexual and isn't going to change. He was wrong not to be upfront with you but you are delusional to think you'll be having normal regular sex with him, ever

MermaidEyes · 31/01/2023 20:26

I think perhaps your biggest problem is you've only ever had one other relationship and therefore perhaps don't have much experience of normal relationships. When couples first get together sex is usually a pretty big part of it. Even if intercourse is painful, there's plenty of other ways to pleasure each other. It's certainly not normal to not want to hold hands when walking down the street. That says straight away either he's not attracted to you or he somehow feels embarrassed. Seriously, nothing is going to change. He showed you who he was and how he felt right from the start, you just chose not to see it.