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Original poster

Partner doesnt want sex

204 replies

Beryl1 · 29/01/2023 10:10

My partner and I have been together for nearly 3 years after meeting on a dating site ( both divorced in our 40's).

We get in really well, he moved in with my daughter and I last year and although he feels it's ' my house, not his' it's going ok.
But, he had very rarely initiated any sexual contact between us. I am going through menopause which has made things a bit more tricky ( uncomfortable) and this means he has now shut off completely. He doesn't touch me, I have to ask for a hug etc. He says it's not important to him but I'm finding it's crippling my self esteem as I want to be intimate with him. Last night, I was cuddling him in bed and my hand wandered. He accused me of 'going towards his groin area' and got out of bed and slept on the floor. He couldn't understand why I was upset. He was so angry. A couple of weeks ago, after a few drinks, I tried to give him oral sex and he stopped me using the word 'rape' in the conversation that followed. Am i a sexual predator as he would make out? I want a physical relationship, some hugs etc. I in no way want to push him into anything he doesn't want but I'm being made to feel like an abuser? I'd be so grateful for any views on this, I'm going out of my mind with worry.

OP posts:
1980sfookup · 29/01/2023 11:07

Please do yourself a favour and END THIS NOW! I was in a relationship just like this and wasted my 40s on a spineless excuse for a man that hadn't got the balls to tell me straight that he didn't fancy me - just left me wondering what was wrong with ME!

Ruined my self esteem - made me feel ugly and repulsive - when in fact I was looking better than I did in my 30s as I was eating well and exercising regularly. Bin this loser off - you deserve better.

caringcarer · 29/01/2023 11:10

Sounds like he just wants free accomodation. He's not into you and does not even want a hug or to hold hands. I know I could not live like that. It would destroy my self esteem and make me feel crap.

Hoolihan · 29/01/2023 11:10

How old is your daughter?

ManyNameChanges · 29/01/2023 11:11

The mot important thing here is that youve never really been sexual. Its not a new thing. It has got worse but him not been keen has always been in the cards.

Now he has told you many times that he isn't interested. Like many women on MN, he feels pressure on him to have sex when he doesn't want to. He is using the word rape. Not the right one word of course. But he probably feels this is inppropriate touching (like a man who grabs his partner's boobs when she doesnt want to iyswim) and feels that this is the best way to convey that.

The answer here is is that you are not compatible sexually. And maybe never have been.

The no sexual, no cuddles, no touching is soul destroying for you.
On the other side, no one can ask their partner to have sex if they don't want to.
You will have to have a discussion around that. And then take the decision around that

Original poster
Beryl1 · 29/01/2023 11:13

Thank you. I had considered this, that if the roles were reversed.....
I would accept him being asexual if that were the case and I never intend to push him to do anything he doesn't want to do.

OP posts:
knittingaddict · 29/01/2023 11:14

Hoolihan · 29/01/2023 11:10

How old is your daughter?

Good point.

Colinthedaxi · 29/01/2023 11:18

You keep asking what you do… you end it, no sex, he picks fights and he sulks. Not exactly a prize. Raise your standards, they are on the floor.

PermanentTemporary · 29/01/2023 11:19

Very clearly you need to take all pressure off sexually and stop touching him.

Then consider if you want to be in a relationship with someone where neither of you touch each other with affection or passion.

I wouldn't. And after 3 years? Hell no.

Eleganz · 29/01/2023 11:20

I would agree that this relationship sounds like it has run its course. Time to move on.

Hallmark1234 · 29/01/2023 11:21

The big red flag for me is why he moved in with you?

Could he be a) secretely gay, b) just not attracted to you sexually and is only using you for somewhere to live, OR could he possibly be interested in getting closer to you daughter?

knittingaddict · 29/01/2023 11:28

Hallmark1234 · 29/01/2023 11:21

The big red flag for me is why he moved in with you?

Could he be a) secretely gay, b) just not attracted to you sexually and is only using you for somewhere to live, OR could he possibly be interested in getting closer to you daughter?

That would be my worry too. It's impossible to discount the last one and that would be my main concern. He's obviously not going to admit it, so I would ask him to move out purely on the basis that it isn't going to be a good relationship for you.

Zanatdy · 29/01/2023 11:29

thestealthwee · 29/01/2023 10:52

If the roles were reversed though and the OP were a man....MN double standards at its best

OP I do think you are aware of his boundaries and are trying to push him past what is comfortable - you may not consider yourself abusive but if you were a man and him a woman you would be. You are very different sexually and if he can't give you what you want from a relationship then you need to end it

Show quote history

I wouldn’t call a man trying to touch his wife’s boobs a predator either. Isn’t that normal in a relationship? I wouldn’t expect my bf to ask permission to touch my boobs in bed.

Dogsandchocolaterule · 29/01/2023 11:37

If you have never had a sexual relationship with this man, you knew what you were getting into. He isn't sexual, he doesn't want sex, or oral sex, or cuddles and touching. If he never wanted it surely you knew what you were getting into, why do you expect him to change?

If you want a sexual relationship (which is completely understandable) you need to break up with him.

ManyNameChanges · 29/01/2023 11:54

Zanatdy · 29/01/2023 11:29

I wouldn’t call a man trying to touch his wife’s boobs a predator either. Isn’t that normal in a relationship? I wouldn’t expect my bf to ask permission to touch my boobs in bed.

Show quote history

But when you've said many times you don't want it or when you know it will automatically lead to sex you dont want, then no it's not OK for your partner to carry on.

1980sfookup · 29/01/2023 12:06

Beryl1 · 29/01/2023 11:13

Thank you. I had considered this, that if the roles were reversed.....
I would accept him being asexual if that were the case and I never intend to push him to do anything he doesn't want to do.

Why would you "accept" this? Do you think your desires will just fade away and you'll live like housemates? More likely resentment will build til it eats you up inside and you will realise that you have wasted precious time.

Puppers · 29/01/2023 12:14

He doesn't want to have sex or any sexual contact with you. He's made that absolutely, 100% crystal clear. Continuing to try and touch him intimately when you know he doesn't want you to and doesn't consent to it is very wrong.

You want to have a romantic relationship with someone that involves sex. This isn't unusual or obsessive or deviant. It does, however, make you entirely incompatible with your current partner.

This isn't a relationship that's healthy or happy for either of you. One of you will need to be the grown up and end it.

Whitwhit · 29/01/2023 12:16

Dogsandchocolaterule · 29/01/2023 11:37

If you have never had a sexual relationship with this man, you knew what you were getting into. He isn't sexual, he doesn't want sex, or oral sex, or cuddles and touching. If he never wanted it surely you knew what you were getting into, why do you expect him to change?

If you want a sexual relationship (which is completely understandable) you need to break up with him.

This is what I’m wondering.
If you’ve been together 3 years and he moved in with you, yet you want a sexual relationship (absolutely fair enough) but he’s clearly not sexual. How did it get to the point where
a) you continued dating?
b) you moved in together?

But it’s clearly not working. You need to have a conversation with him and explain this, and in all likelihood the relationship will end. He’s entitled not to have sex if he doesn’t want to, but I can understand your self-esteem taking a battering.

LaLuz7 · 29/01/2023 12:17

This goes beyond a lack of sex drive. He sounds absolutely repulsed by the idea of sex with you.

Sorry OP, this relationship is dead in the water and the sooner you accept that the easier it will be

Fuckthatguy · 29/01/2023 12:18

Unless like another PP had asked, ‘had something happened’? He needs to go in the bin, this sounds controlling and designed to make you feel bad. You on the other hand sound caring and lovely.

Cocklodger springs to mind, but that’s because I’m old and cynical.

MaireadMcSweeney · 29/01/2023 12:22

Beryl1 · 29/01/2023 11:13

Thank you. I had considered this, that if the roles were reversed.....
I would accept him being asexual if that were the case and I never intend to push him to do anything he doesn't want to do.

Why are you in a relationship that has always been sexless and why are you expecting him to change after 3 years?
You made a mistake getting into a relationship with someone who's not interested in sex but now you have to either accept that he's not sexual (clearly not working for you) or end it. You can't keep trying to initiate sex with someone who doesn't want it. It's madness and I'm not surprised you're getting knocked back. He's been perfectly clear he doesn't want sex.

MaireadMcSweeney · 29/01/2023 12:24

Zanatdy · 29/01/2023 11:29

I wouldn’t call a man trying to touch his wife’s boobs a predator either. Isn’t that normal in a relationship? I wouldn’t expect my bf to ask permission to touch my boobs in bed.

Show quote history

In the context of a relationship that has NEVER been sexual and in which the woman had been clear she doesn't want sex then yes, continuing to touch her sexually and try to initiate sex would be predatory. It's a clear violation of boundaries.

OnaBegonia · 29/01/2023 12:42

We haven't ever really had a sexual relationship. I can count on one hand the occasions we have actually had sex
Why have you stayed with him never mind have him move in? looks like he was looking for somewhere to live not a relationship, time for him to go.

honeylulu · 29/01/2023 12:54

Differing levels of sex drive is one thing but that's not the case here. This man wants NO sexual contact at all and NO physical signs of affection, ever.

This is not a relationship, it's two people sharing a house. I couldn't even call it a friendship because he can't even civilly clarify the position. The rape comment and getting out of bed to sleep on the floor is really hostile. I would end it if I were you. Like other posters I'd be wary that the arrangement suits him financially and practically but he doesn't want a sexual relationship and doesn't seem to like you that much full stop. Sorry that is quite blunt.

AgentJohnson · 29/01/2023 13:41

I'm surprised you've stuck it out for this long. In fairness if you've never had a sexual relationship from the start then you're never going to with this guy, and you probably should have realised this before taking it further and letting him move in. Either he's not interested in you sexually, or he's not interested in sex full stop. Either way it's probably time to end it.

This

You know what to do, end it. You are sexually incompatible and your menopause issues surrounding sex were, unbeknownst to you, a blessing for him. There is nothing wrong in your want for intimacy but that want with this guy will go unfulfilled.

There is no rescuing this and neither of you benefits from prolonging it.

lifelongrest · 29/01/2023 13:43

Cocochat · 29/01/2023 10:19

He doesn't have to have sex and you don't have to continue the relationship.
Tell him to leave.

This.