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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband leaving me for another woman. Pls help. shock.

466 replies

Chchchchangess · 26/01/2023 08:14

I can’t write much detail right now but I desperately need some positivity.

my husband has been acting off for months and last night I questioned him about it and he finally told me he’d met someone else from work. She gives him the attention that he hasn’t been getting from me.

please be gentle.

i know my marriage is over but I still care about him.

im 36 and clearly have very low esteem

He Left me three years ago but I let him come back - our baby was only a few months. another woman never transpired. He cheated on me before, though… about 10 years ago.

infeel sick.

we have two boys age 7&4.

I am crumbling please help

OP posts:
TeenDivided · 26/01/2023 08:15

No advice, but Flowers

beenwhereyouare · 26/01/2023 08:19

❤❤Flowers

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss · 26/01/2023 08:20

You will get through this. He is a complete shit. You will be better off without this horror in your life eventually. You really will.

Lots of us have been in similar circumstances. How much family and friends do you have nearby? Do you work? Have you called a solicitor?

BubziOwl · 26/01/2023 08:22

Oh no, I'm so sorry Flowers what an awful way to be treated.

This might not sound helpful, but it has helped me in tough times and I hope it helps you - you might feel like you're crumbling, but you're not. You're not going to crumble, you're going to get through it. You might not know how yet, but you will. You are much stronger than you realise.

Do you have family and friends close by?

wineisgood · 26/01/2023 08:23

The shock is horrible. You will get through this. Take one day/hour at a time until your mind catches up with the situation. Eat, drink plenty of water.
Best thing that ever happened to me, looking back. It will be OK, this bit is the worst

Chocbuttonsandredwine · 26/01/2023 08:28

The most important thing is that he has shown you the person that he is…you need to believe him. He’s cheated on yiu 3 times. You cannot take him back, you’ll never be able to trust him, he will do this again.

So. You need to find the strength from somewhere to get organised. Catch him on the back foot. Get copies of bank statements, mortgages, credit cards, savings, pensions… everything you can. Store it somewhere safe. Tell him nothing.

Id also pack a bag for him and tell him he needs to find somewhere else to live for the next few days until you’ve had time to think.

Go and see a solicitor. Get a recommendation for a decent one if you can as there are crap ones out there that will add to your stress.

make arrangements for him to have the kids for one day at the weekend and one night after school. Start as you mean to go on, it will give you a break and give him an even bigger dose of reality

beenwhereyouare · 26/01/2023 08:30

I'm very sorry what's happened to you. There's a thread that's been running the last year or so that reminds me of your situation. Husband walked out tonight was updated by the OP this week, and I thought it might bring you some comfort to see that someone else has been through something similar, and come out stronger on the other side.

sandgrown · 26/01/2023 08:35

Tell a family member or close friend and share the load . They will
push you on . Get all paperwork together and try and find a good solicitor and make an appointment. It’s hard but you need to take control. Get angry . He has treated you badly. Try to eat and drink . I have been there and you will keep going for your children. You will get through and life will eventually be better .

notnormal86 · 26/01/2023 08:43

Im sorry this is awful but it will get better ive been there my ex of 10 years left me for a younger woman 15 years younger .Be nice to your self and dont have him back if it all falls apart for him .
it will get easier as time goes on for me i saw it as a blessing after a few months.
it will get better but you will feel hurt and anger for now .

Original poster
Chchchchangess · 26/01/2023 08:58

Thank you.

i work full time as the main earner. I’ve some compassionate leave. I have a wealth of support but hardly know anyone in this situation. I feel completely hopeless for the future and like im going to be so alone

he has no where to go. The other woman has moved into her parents house. He’s going to view a room in a house next week to rent. I want to scream and cry. It’s grief I guess.

i just need to know I will be ok

OP posts:
SpentDandelion · 26/01/2023 09:00

You have a strength in you that you don't even realise yet. What your feeling now is natural, like your word has ended and everything is inside out and upside down. My advice would to be to try an d keep gently pressing on with your normal routine or as much of it as you can manage, baby steps, one task at a time, be kind and gentle to yourself.
Meanwhile seek legal advice and start planning for a new way of life, this cheater is not going to change, he has ruined everything for you and is totally unreliable.
I have brought up two sons on my own, we have a lovely way of life, if Mum is happy, kids are happy, simple as that, you don't need a man like him dragging you down, you don't need tons of money, a calm peaceful loving way of life is the best way to live, let someone else get lumbered with this dead weight snake in the grass. You will be well rid.

SuperFly123 · 26/01/2023 09:03

You will get through this. He has treated you with such contempt, he is pond scum. Once the shock and grief start to fade, the anger will come and this will spur you on. Be kind to yourself and seek support from friends and family who you trust. This happens more often than you would think. You are young and have the rest of your life ahead of you.

also; he needs to leave as soon as possible. And I would limit contact with him exclusively to things relating to childcare etc, by message or email if this will be easiest for you. Boundaries are important now to protect yourself emotionally from his bullshit, while you come to terms with what is happening and make a plan. Good luck OP

SpentDandelion · 26/01/2023 09:05

Read Getting Past Your Breakup, by Susan J Elliott, can buy it from Amazon, l think she has a blog and YouTube videos.
Excellent advice, she's been there and done it.

Notformethankyoukindly · 26/01/2023 09:06

You will be ok OP, in fact you’ll be more than OK - you will thrive, in time. Get him gone from your home ASAP, start the divorce process, access all the support you can. Good luck 💐

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 26/01/2023 09:10

If you can't kick him out of the house at least kick him out of the bedroom and stop doing anything for him. No meals, no washing of clothes, no helping him out. He has left you and you have no obligation to do a single thing for him, and for your mental health it will help a lot to start cutting him out of your life.

Original poster
Chchchchangess · 26/01/2023 09:14

I got my hair done yesterday - booked ages ago. Once he got to work he messaged me to say it looked lovely.

i don’t get why he would write that.

your messages are truly helping me to climb out of my pit of dispair. I need to get up.

OP posts:
DomesticShortHair · 26/01/2023 09:16

There will be lots of things about living with him that you didn’t like. They could be big, like him spending all the money, or be small and ridiculous, like leaving butter in the marmite, or stealing all the bed covers when he rolled over. Mentally, make a list of them and how annoying you found them. And then think that soon, you won’t have to put up with them anymore. It doesn’t sound much compared to what’s going on in your life now, but for me it was a small positive that I could cling to, when I really needed something.

MyEasterEggs · 26/01/2023 09:16

Big hugs, I know it’s not easy!

Why can’t he go to a B&B or rent an Airbnb? I can’t believe the cheeky sod expects to carry on living under your roof while he plans his new life. I can understand that there may be some level of comfort in having him there - maybe he’ll change his mind, maybe you’ll work it out - but he has form for this and won’t change. You’ve got an opportunity to get your life together without this cretin.

MyEasterEggs · 26/01/2023 09:18

Chchchchangess · 26/01/2023 09:14

I got my hair done yesterday - booked ages ago. Once he got to work he messaged me to say it looked lovely.

i don’t get why he would write that.

your messages are truly helping me to climb out of my pit of dispair. I need to get up.

What an absolute arsehole. Drops a bombshell then starts sending mixed messages. Get him the hell out.

Abreezeitheglade · 26/01/2023 09:20

He wrote that because he enjoys play with your emotions which is cruel. He wants to watch as you crumble. He wants to give you hope then smash it away again. He’s not a man he’s a fucking monster.

minou123 · 26/01/2023 09:29

I know we all don't know you, but I promise, absolutely promise, you will be OK.

You're going to go through some shit times, but that's why it important to get your friends and family together for support- and mumsnet of course.

You're not alone.

HomeTheatreSystem · 26/01/2023 09:34

@Chchchchangess you will be ok. You are in effect going through a bereavement with the loss of your husband, your family life as it was and your marriage. Be patient and kind to yourself. Take it a day at a time. There will come a day when it's not quite so searingly raw and you will start to see a future that you can look forward to. There are lots of very uplifting and encouraging threads on here written by those who've been in your shoes and come out the other end happier than they thought they could ever be.

As for the OW, his appeal (married man/affair) has potentially just diminished hugely. He's now "free" and the illicit thrill has gone. I doubt they will last very long and I have a feeling he'll be asking you to take him back: you need to give serious thought as to how you will manage that day when it comes. There is a vast difference between him coming back saying sorry and him coming back and demonstrating genuine remorse for the hurt and damage he's caused you and the children. If he does reappear asking to give it another go I'd insist on marriage counselling first. All the best to you Flowers

Dery · 26/01/2023 09:37

Also know that this is totally on him. Not giving him enough attention - what a big baby - moaning because his wife, mother of his children and the main breadwinner wasn’t giving him enough attention. Sounds like he couldn’t handle not being no. 1 in your life.

This will pass. You will be happier without him. He’d already shown he couldn’t be trusted. Let this be the time you let him go and keep him gone.

It will take time but you really will get there. In the meantime, remember that he will likely try to paint you as the baddie rather than own what he’s done so learn to detach from what he says.

Original poster
Chchchchangess · 26/01/2023 09:41

I’ve just done the school run and I’ve now crumbled.

i want to call him and beg him not to do this

OP posts:
Chocbuttonsandredwine · 26/01/2023 09:47

He has no where to go? Boo fucking hoo. He should have thought of that before he cheated shouldn’t he? He must have a friend or relative that he can stay with. Or failing that a travel lodge: he’s checked out of your marriage and everything that it entails. That includes sharing a house.