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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband leaving me for another woman. Pls help. shock.

466 replies

Chchchchangess · 26/01/2023 08:14

I can’t write much detail right now but I desperately need some positivity.

my husband has been acting off for months and last night I questioned him about it and he finally told me he’d met someone else from work. She gives him the attention that he hasn’t been getting from me.

please be gentle.

i know my marriage is over but I still care about him.

im 36 and clearly have very low esteem

He Left me three years ago but I let him come back - our baby was only a few months. another woman never transpired. He cheated on me before, though… about 10 years ago.

infeel sick.

we have two boys age 7&4.

I am crumbling please help

OP posts:
Original poster
Chchchchangess · 26/01/2023 12:26

I presumed there was another woman but she never materialised.

god I’ve been such a fool.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chchchchangess · 26/01/2023 12:27

Sorry the above message was in reply to the split in 2018

OP posts:
Original poster
Chchchchangess · 26/01/2023 12:33

mattyd · 26/01/2023 10:48

Why has the OW moved into her parent's house? Sounds like she might have been cheating too and had to move. If so, he's met his perfect match.

She’s married with two children. Perfect match.

OP posts:
Chooksnroses · 26/01/2023 12:36

Chchchchangess · 26/01/2023 08:58

Thank you.

i work full time as the main earner. I’ve some compassionate leave. I have a wealth of support but hardly know anyone in this situation. I feel completely hopeless for the future and like im going to be so alone

he has no where to go. The other woman has moved into her parents house. He’s going to view a room in a house next week to rent. I want to scream and cry. It’s grief I guess.

i just need to know I will be ok

He has nowhere to go? Not your problem! I wish that when I'd been in your position I'd been stronger. BUT one thing I'm pleased about, now I'm old and my kids are all grown up. I made the effort to always be nice to him and the new woman when we met, to never ask my children questions about him and the new woman. Now years after his split from that woman, we are genuinely happy to be together at family occasions. Our kids know this and will sit us (with my husband and his second wife) together. I'm glad that my initial need to help my children cope with the split has resulted in a happy situation for all of us.
Be strong, take care of yourself, you will be amazed at how happy you can be when you are not worried about what an unfaithful husband is up to every time he goes out!

KAYMACK · 26/01/2023 12:38

"im 36 and clearly have very low esteem"

Well, I look up to you. I am older than you, but have no children. You have two lovely boys and I honestly think a medal and golden payment should be given to every woman who gives birth and raises children like you.

Having low esteem? I would interpret that as being modest, kind and a valued member of society, which I am pretty sure you are. Thank goodness for people like you and not the type who carry on with married men who have taken a vow (i.e. signed a legal contract).

Grincheynewyear · 26/01/2023 12:38

Their reality is going to hit hard so be prepared. She may have a very angry husband. She may have a husband who promises the earth and she returns. Your husband may end up in a house share. She is moving into her parents with her kids, they may end up hearing it’s her fault. She may be under pressure to go back to her husband. They are probably still in la la land but it’s no longer a fantasy and there’s a reason affairs don’t last. Brace yourself.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 26/01/2023 12:39

Tell him to take the children as well and you can be the Disney parent.

They are going to love 4 kids spoling their little set up.

Ofcourseshecan · 26/01/2023 12:43

OP, I hope you are finding encouragement in the stories told by many other women here, and the useful advice they are giving.

You're right at the beginning of what is almost certainly a change for the better in your life. You didn't choose it, and it is very painful at the moment. But ask yourself if you want a husband who has cheated on you at least three times that you know of and has treated you abominably.

He is quite likely to come back soon, hoping to continue his comfortable life with you while looking for the next affair. Please do yourself and DC a favour by not letting him stroll back in.

potnoodletheif · 26/01/2023 12:49

You have not been a fool, you have two lovely children.
You don't need him, you are the main earner, you can survive this.
This is a pivotal moment in your life. You are strong enough to deal with this.
You have self-esteem, you just need to find it.

Fuck him, fuck her. You can do this. DO NOT LET HIM BACK, he has had his 2nd chance.

It stuns me that men/woman can just walk out of family life without a backwards glance.

Lordofmyflies · 26/01/2023 12:49

He's probably flattering you about your hair because he doesn't want to be out on the street. You are completely within your rights to ask him to leave today - not your problem that his rental property isn't ready. He can stay in a B&B or with his other woman. Don't make it easy for him. Bag his stuff up, change the locks and start photocopying anything relating to his finances. Get angry, not sad. This could be the start of something amazing.

pocketvenuss · 26/01/2023 12:53

He sounds like a treat. Not the breadwinner. Serial philanderer. What's not to love. OP you are the star here. He's the booby prize. You will be fine. It's just going ti take time.

BeExcellent2EachOther · 26/01/2023 12:56

You need to act quickly whilst he's feeling guilty and is more likely to agree to you retaining more assets etc.

A few months of living in a flat share and he'll be trying to screw you out of every penny he can get.

Act now, document the value of everything, your house, your pensions, your savings etc because you're the bigger earner and you want his slice of the pie to come from today's worth, not what it's worth 6-12 months down the line when more of the mortgage is paid off, your pension has had more payments in etc.

Get legal and financial advice asap, the sooner you divide your asserts from him the better.

NewMinouMinou · 26/01/2023 13:01

Absolutely what BExcellent just said. Seriously. When I saw you were the main earner etc, I thought "Yes!!" You're going to be ok.

Try to operate on two different levels/compartments - one for the practical/financial things and the other for the emotional stuff. Practical always comes first because it has more structure and more deadlines (iyswim), whereas you can spend an hour in the evenings crying/making voodoo dolls/calling your friends for however long it takes and long after you've finished with the lawyers..

WilsonMilson · 26/01/2023 13:10

Right, listen up. You need to kick his ass to the kerb. He has repeatedly humiliated you, and you are FAR better than that. He is playing with your emotions and you need to cut him off from doing that - ‘your hair looks nice’ - fuck that shit.
Do not engage in his bs, just pack his bags and kick him out. Where is goes is not your problem, he can crawl off to his other woman.

Now is the time to get angry and to get smart. He couldn’t give a flying shit about you, evidenced by his wayward cock behaviour over the years. Time to believe his actions and not his gaslighting words.

Seryse · 26/01/2023 13:11

He's already taken the piss so many times, love yourself, your kids and don't give him another moments thought.

I'd be tossing him out, place to go or not, he isn't your problem anymore. Don't let him continue to walk all over you by providing him a home when he's crapped all over you and your relationship hun. You can do better and deserve better.

JFDIYOLO · 26/01/2023 13:16

You're getting some brilliant advice here.

You're in shock right now and in need of real life support. Family and friends to confide in. I do hope they're there for you. 🫂

You're well rid of a selfish serial cheat. He's not who you thought he was, and now you know the truth. The truth she will also learn, sooner or later.

The hairstyle text was him trying to keep his options open in case it all goes wrong with the bit on the side.

He has left you. Enable that to happen by not dancing to his tune, no begging, no 'pick me'.

No laundry, ironing, cooking, and if possible separate beds til he goes. And for god's sake no sex.

He may still be cluttering the place up for now, but he's checked out.

There are some great examples on MN of women who've got through this. So will you.

BurntOutGirl · 26/01/2023 13:23

I got through it with sorting practicalities. No way was l going to let him be disney dad and leave the hard work to me... so l immediately said he had them alternate weekends and half of school hols were his to sort childcare for.

Don't let him make the excuse that he is in shared accommodation. He can have them daytime and drop them home in the evening.

As my inlaws said to their son when he left me....you (he) chose this path.... now you can walk it

AdoraBell · 26/01/2023 13:30

Definitely ignore the text re your hair. And all comments/texts about anything other than the DC.

I’ve heard someone on YouTube say that when the marriage breaks down it becomes a business negotiation. Treat it as such. You have a contract (marriage certificate) and he has breached the contract. He gets nothing now. Apart from contact with the DC. On a personal level you owe him zero.

Speak to him like a colleague, polite but nothing more.

The pain will ease over time. Speak to, and lean on your family and friends. Keep telling yourself that you are worth more than this waste of space.

unsync · 26/01/2023 13:35

Your low self esteem may well be because you've been treated so badly by this man. It will get better and you will recover from this. Just take it one day at a time. You are strong, look at what you already do! Be kind to yourself.

5128gap · 26/01/2023 13:47

Chchchchangess · 26/01/2023 09:41

I’ve just done the school run and I’ve now crumbled.

i want to call him and beg him not to do this

Really try to resist the urge to do this. I've never once known it to work. Once they've got up the courage to make the move they tend to stick to it pretty hard, or worse, make false promises in a cowardly attempt to fob you off, and it will be horribly upsetting for you.
Chances are he actually will come back of his own accord. The signs are there; trying to keep you on board with the compliments, no viable alternative living situation so he's not moving to a better situation.
Hopefully by the time that happens you will have gathered the strength to tell him no, and be well on your way to the happier, better life you deserve.

purpledalmation · 26/01/2023 14:01

Don't take home back. See a solicitor. Simple but not easy

purpledalmation · 26/01/2023 14:03

And he's stringing you along in case the other woman doesn't work out. He knows your weaknesses

Sistanotcista · 26/01/2023 14:07

wineisgood · 26/01/2023 08:23

The shock is horrible. You will get through this. Take one day/hour at a time until your mind catches up with the situation. Eat, drink plenty of water.
Best thing that ever happened to me, looking back. It will be OK, this bit is the worst

@wineisgood (love the user name!) has given good advice here. You are still in shock. Don't expect to have a plan for the future right now. Be good to yourself. Make sure you eat and drink water. Try and get enough sleep. Although it's not a straight trajectory, every day you will be a little stronger. See a solicitor. He has had months to plan this and think it through. Don't let him take advantage of his head start. If its at all possible, leave him with the kids for a day r two to allow yourself uninterrupted time to think about how you want to move forward. This is NOT a reflection on you.

Panjandrum123 · 26/01/2023 14:09

Chchchchangess · 26/01/2023 09:41

I’ve just done the school run and I’ve now crumbled.

i want to call him and beg him not to do this

@Chchchchangess it’s only natural. And you’ll do so again. Do not beat yourself up about this, you’re grieving the life you had together and the future you thought you had.

Be kind to yourself, be prepared. Don’t let him guilt trip you. Be courteous when you deal with him but keep your dealings strictly about the children and anything absolutely necessary. Anything else either ignore it or direct it via your solicitor.

And this time, please, don’t take him back. I’m not sure counselling is the answer as this is his third offence. You deserve better.
💐

Original poster
Chchchchangess · 26/01/2023 14:28

Panjandrum123 · 26/01/2023 14:09

@Chchchchangess it’s only natural. And you’ll do so again. Do not beat yourself up about this, you’re grieving the life you had together and the future you thought you had.

Be kind to yourself, be prepared. Don’t let him guilt trip you. Be courteous when you deal with him but keep your dealings strictly about the children and anything absolutely necessary. Anything else either ignore it or direct it via your solicitor.

And this time, please, don’t take him back. I’m not sure counselling is the answer as this is his third offence. You deserve better.
💐

Show quote history

The counselling was for me :)

I am curious as to why I am so attached to
someone who has betrayed me so much. The strange thing is in person he has treated me so well but behind my back has been with her for months. Whilst I was at work and the kids were both finally in school the window opened for him to have too much free time. I have no words.

I am distressed because I miss him. How the hell can I miss someone who has disrespected me in this way? i want to slap myself but I am so used to him in the same house that It feels so weird without him.

how do I change this mindset?

I’ve contacted a solicitor today

OP posts: