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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband leaving me for another woman. Pls help. shock.

466 replies

Chchchchangess · 26/01/2023 08:14

I can’t write much detail right now but I desperately need some positivity.

my husband has been acting off for months and last night I questioned him about it and he finally told me he’d met someone else from work. She gives him the attention that he hasn’t been getting from me.

please be gentle.

i know my marriage is over but I still care about him.

im 36 and clearly have very low esteem

He Left me three years ago but I let him come back - our baby was only a few months. another woman never transpired. He cheated on me before, though… about 10 years ago.

infeel sick.

we have two boys age 7&4.

I am crumbling please help

OP posts:
WigglyGlowWorm · 26/01/2023 14:35

Honestly, you’ll be OK. I was married in my 20s to an awful man who cheated constantly. The saying ‘once a cheater always a cheater’ might be old and a bit naff, but it’s so true. He’s done it to every partner he’s had since. You’ve got to remain strong, even when he inevitably comes crawling back with crap excuses. You’re way better than he is and one day, when the time is right for you, you’ll meet someone who will treat you as you deserve to be treated.

Supernova18 · 26/01/2023 14:40

Hello,
This happened to me. I took my ex partner back and he left again. He is as happy as he can be now in his new family. It takes a long time to start to accept and it will always hurt you, as I have realised you can't actually cut the person out, they are sadly always there!

PoppyFleur · 26/01/2023 14:40

This man has not just disrespected you but also your children. He has poured spare energy and time into the OW at the expense of your family life together. He is not just leaving you he is happily walking away from his own children.

Time to get angry and organised to protect your children and yourself.

Original poster
Chchchchangess · 26/01/2023 14:45

Thank you everyone. I wish the sick feeling would go.

OP posts:
Triste1992 · 26/01/2023 14:47

Chchchchangess · 26/01/2023 08:14

I can’t write much detail right now but I desperately need some positivity.

my husband has been acting off for months and last night I questioned him about it and he finally told me he’d met someone else from work. She gives him the attention that he hasn’t been getting from me.

please be gentle.

i know my marriage is over but I still care about him.

im 36 and clearly have very low esteem

He Left me three years ago but I let him come back - our baby was only a few months. another woman never transpired. He cheated on me before, though… about 10 years ago.

infeel sick.

we have two boys age 7&4.

I am crumbling please help

Hugs to you!
Whether the husband leaves for another woman or for other reaons, it sucks. But what I can tell you from experience is that hes clearly not a good party, not because cheating is badly seen in the society, but because cheating is a sign of someone immature, who doesnt know how to solve personal or relationship problems. What does it mean? It means that once his honeymoon with the other woman will finish, he will become the same with her! Trust me on that! He only told you what his needs were because he was leaving, a mature partner would tell you that he misses intimacy and attention while hes in a relationship and will work WITH YOU on fixing it. And I bet, he didnt satisfy your needs being so self absorbed, so no big loss really.

This is an opportunity for you to have a new life! Work on your self esteem, give yourself love and you will see that you will attract a man who will love you and be good to you. Ive seen that. Women would crumble after the husband leaves, then find a much happier life. You seem to be about my age, looks like I might be single too soon and I know that while its hard, its a beautiful opportunity!

Listen to the new song by MIley Cyrus

Piffle11 · 26/01/2023 14:47

I got my hair done yesterday - booked ages ago. Once he got to work he messaged me to say it looked lovely.

i don’t get why he would write that.

Because he doesn't want to look for anywhere temporary to live… So he's trying to convince you that he might be open to working things out. But he isn't.

I can guarantee that if his other woman already had her own place, he would have walked out of the door and you wouldn't have seen him again.

As soon as she does get her own place, he'll be off.

DoIWantThis · 26/01/2023 14:48

I would kick him out. He's got nowhere to go? Fuck off to the very far side off fuck etc - his living situation is not your problem. He HAD SOMEWHERE TO GO WHEN HE WAS CHEATING. I am so angry on your behalf. PRICK

FreshStartNewLife · 26/01/2023 14:56

OP it's totally understandable that you're in shock, because he's been pretending to be someone he's not. In time you'll be able to accept that anybody who could be that deceptive is not someone you want in your life, and that actually it means that the person you thought you loved didn't really exist, because they wouldn't be capable of such duplicity.

It's great you're taking the practical steps with the solicitor. Personally I'd also boot him out and tell him to go and stay in a hotel or with friends (or OW's parents!!) until he finds a room to rent. He created this situation so it's his problem.

My children are a similar age to yours now. My ex-husband left when they were babies and I can tell you that you will be fine. I was also always the main earner. Find a good nanny, rearrange life so you're not reliant on him for anything (not that it sounds like you were really, anyway!). And then focus on yourself and your children: the people who matter. You will be ok, and it will get easier. One day you'll be very glad you didn't waste any more of your life on him, it'll just take a little while to get there and that's ok. Allow yourself to grieve.

Sublimeursula · 26/01/2023 15:00

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Sublimeursula · 26/01/2023 15:01

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Reigateforever · 26/01/2023 15:04

You must sort yourself out legally for your children’s sake. Don’t wait for him to sort himself out as what he needs. He has done it before and I can assure you that a leopard does not change their spots.
Find all papers and copy them and go and see a solicitor, a recommended one that has worked for someone you know. Is it your house, mortgage or rented etc. This will help you see the future.
Forget the complements he gives, he is playing games, disrespectful one minute the next giving the complements you’re needing. He wants you to keep the door open for him. It is a game.

trainer3 · 26/01/2023 15:13

So sorry, OP. Please check out www.survivinginfidelity.com You are not alone

5128gap · 26/01/2023 15:36

Re the hair thing, it's actually very common for men exiting LTR to go through a transitional stage where they triangulate the two women. I think for many it's based in uncertainty as to where their bread is best buttered, the comfort and security of home or the excitement and novelty of the new.
In their ideal world they'd probably keep both. But one or the other woman puts her foot down and a choice is forced.
There then can follow a pattern of pinballing between the two, doing just enough to keep both options open.
So, in leaving you, he's frightened himself that he's closed off an option, so he pulls you back with a compliment. If you respond positively and try to persuade him to stay he will be then be frightened of losing the other situation (you've proved by positively responding that you're still an option, so no worries there) and pull away from you again.
This behaviour can continue for a very long time, and if you play along, that time will be hell.

Sublimeursula · 26/01/2023 15:48

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palelavender · 26/01/2023 15:53

its hardly going to be romantic for them is it. She is staying with her parents with two children because her husband probably threw her out. Her parents are probably very disapproving. Your husband is going to be in a house share. I imagine he'll eventually work out that putting up with her kids, having his kids at the weekend, and living in a house share is no fun at all. He'll be doing his own cooking and cleaning and he'll have less money. Do not under any circumstances take him back. You can meet somebody else but not if this unsatisfactory specimen moves back in. You are not the back up plan so no reeling you back in with comments about your hair when he's off with another woman. It's not what men say, it's what men do that counts.

CheshireCat1 · 26/01/2023 16:00

I’ve been in a similar situation, my husband left after 20+ years of marriage for another woman, we had three children. I was totally devastated as I still loved him, but things do get better. Please do not let him play mind games with your emotions. I’m now married again to a wonderful man and if I bumped into my ex I’d thank him because leaving was the best thing he had ever done for me.
Don’t give up hope for the future because I’m sure better things will be around the corner. Just look after your children, get through the following months as it will be a bit of a rollercoaster and you’ll definitely start feeling more positive.

Maighnuad · 26/01/2023 16:00

OP I ended up a single mum also. And as the main breadwinner , well the main everything I was struggling also post the break up. But as I sat back I realized that I was the one doing everything anyway, that this was just the confirmation.

The sick feeling and the pain will pass, and you will come out of this much stronger. You need to buckle down, take a good hard look at yourself and tell yourself what you would tell a pal in this situation.

You are worth so much more. We are all here so that you can vent and learn from our shared experiences. We will send lots of flowers and hugs 💐and it gives you a place to say perhaps what you don't feel you can in real life!!!

CharlieBoo · 26/01/2023 16:23

The shock is like being hit by a bus. And it’s also like a bereavement. The loss of a life you once had that you know is now gone. You will go through many emotions. Right now is shock, sadness, panic, but eventually will come anger, hate, bitterness and then finally acceptance. But you WILL get through this and you will be all the better for it. Sending you lots of love.. many of us here have been where you are. We all here to support you ❤️

StressedToTheMaxxx · 26/01/2023 16:26

Oh the bastard. I went through something similar. I was in tatters, i was going through a miscarriage at the time. I, to my shame, begged him to come back. He did but did the same to me again. I got rid of him and yes, I was terrified. Thought my and my baby's life would be shit. It took about a year but I am now flourishing.

Honestly lovely, take a few days to wallow. See if a friend or relative can take the kids, even for a night while you eat junk food under the duvet while watching netflix. Have a good cry and let it all out. Then hold your head high. Get those ducks in a row, organise finances. You wil be absolutely fine in the long run, I promise you.

Seryse · 26/01/2023 16:32

This song helped me get through a break up years ago, the words are very empowering and hit home.... plus Leona Lewis has a phenomenal voice

Questionneedanswer · 26/01/2023 16:33

It takes time
Happened to me too - while I was pregnant with our second
I wasted too much time holding on for him to come back
Best to press on with the legalities ASAP

Ask friends, and friends of friends for a good family lawyer recommendation

ICanHideButICantRun · 26/01/2023 16:41

Hang on a minute - you were at work and the kids were at school so he was having an affair in that time? Doesn't he work? Or is he one of those self-employed guys who do fuck all? Was she coming to your house?

And then he blames you for not giving him attention?

I would be absolutely livid. His bags would be packed right now.

PrinceHaz · 26/01/2023 16:44

Chchchchangess · 26/01/2023 08:58

Thank you.

i work full time as the main earner. I’ve some compassionate leave. I have a wealth of support but hardly know anyone in this situation. I feel completely hopeless for the future and like im going to be so alone

he has no where to go. The other woman has moved into her parents house. He’s going to view a room in a house next week to rent. I want to scream and cry. It’s grief I guess.

i just need to know I will be ok

It’s good that you aren’t reliant on him. Long term you will have your home, earnings and dignity.

Delladon · 26/01/2023 16:46

Wishing you all the strength in the world. It's feels terrible right now and it will hurt but only time passing will make this easier. Take it day by day, distract yourself but let yourself cry and be upset, you are grieving.
Don't let him back into your bed, it will be soooooo easy to but it won't make him stay and it won't make him faithful.
Be gentle with yourself, do nice things that make you feel good, get some exercise and daylight, take a bath if you like them, just breathe, once you stop looking around and bursting into tears daily, you will start to feel stronger every day.
Then the next chapter begins...

Mishoola · 26/01/2023 16:49

You have got this. 100%. You have got this…..and great hair. Talk to a solicitor. If you can get yourself a counsellor
Concentrate on you and the kids, start looking at holidays for you and the kids.
It might be a bit knarley in moments but those moments will pass and each day will carry on. You are so much stronger than you know.
It is going to work out and you will be stronger and happier once you and your kids have you time and freedom.
The sun always rises xxxx