Husband leaving me for another woman. Pls help. shock.

[Chchchchangess]

I can’t write much detail right now but I desperately need some positivity.

my husband has been acting off for months and last night I questioned him about it and he finally told me he’d met someone else from work. She gives him the attention that he hasn’t been getting from me.

please be gentle.

i know my marriage is over but I still care about him.

im 36 and clearly have very low esteem

He Left me three years ago but I let him come back - our baby was only a few months. another woman never transpired. He cheated on me before, though… about 10 years ago.

infeel sick.

we have two boys age 7&4.

I am crumbling please help

Sure you will.

You're only 36 - that is really young - believe me. You're the higher earner too and your hair looks great! 2 lovely children! Onwards and upwards! He is a jerk and has had his head turned not for the first time - get rid! See a solicitor and hold on to as much assets as possible! Be mean!

I got my hair done yesterday - booked ages ago. Once he got to work he messaged me to say it looked lovely.
i don’t get why he would write that

He's trying to keep his options open. He doesn't like the idea of having to move out and live in a rented room, so he's trying not to get kicked out.

I'm so glad you're the main earner, but ffs he really didn't know how lucky he was, did he? He's leaving you for a woman who lives with her mum and dad? He needs to grow up fast.

Given his history I wouldn't give him another chance. He's had more chances than he deserves already.

Please don't contact him. Think of him telling his girlfriend that you've begged him to stay - that should be enough to stop you doing it.

Bloddy hell. I meant to write Sure you will be fine OP you are in the midst of a panic right now. The kids are out of the house. Breathe. Try and just take a few deep breaths, you dont know for certain there is another woman do you? Where is your support network? Do you live close to family?

You. Deserve. Better.

Say this to yourself over and over and over. Write it down and stick it on mirrors/doors/the fridge. It is true.

Do not call him. Book him into a (cheap and nasty) hotel for the next 3 nights or so. Send him the booking details and tell him there will be a bag out the front of the house for him at his usual home time. Do not answer calls from him at this time.

Use the weekend to make a plan for what comes next.

You deserve better.

You can do this OP and you will be totally okay. Good to know you're the main earner.

None of this is your fault. If he felt he wasn't getting your attention, he could have chosen to communicate about it. Not have an affair. Just wait till the day to day mundane parts of life kick in for him and the other woman. It won't be so exciting then.

You can do this and be better off.

OP, you will get through this and come out stronger, better, more gorgeous version of you.

5 years from now he'll be the crumpled one, trying desperately to cling to his youth, and alone.

That's the way it always goes.

Don't crumble, don't call, don't beg him back. Take one hour and one day at a time. Don't project into the future or worry. Just put yourself and your kids first and do what you need to do for them and you. Don't give him any quarter. He's showed himself, so f*ck him.

Put yourself and your kids first. You've got this. xxxx

It is 2023, we can't let useless, ugly men walk all over us. You focus on those kiddies, as they are what matters the most. When my husband left me I was a wreck, and it's natural, of course, you're going to be upset. But if he's being off, and if he has cheated in the past as you've said, is that really someone you want to be in a relationship with? Do you want your children to grow up and view this as how a relationship should work? It may seem harsh now, but this could be a blessing in disguise. Sending all my love and hugs, you'll get through this!!!!!

Having been in your shoes( exh had multiple affairs) i finally threw him out. Everything you are feeling this minute are normal, the pain will decrease and the anger will rise and it needs to, you have to fight now. If he has nowhere to live it is NOT your problem, it is of his own making because he CHOSE to cheat on you. He is willing to throw his wife and children away. You cannot change this fact.
Pack a bag for him, leave it on the doorstep and Bolt the doors, text him and tell him to collect it without upsetting the children.
Get all the paperwork sorted as he will try to hide everything, he has another woman to impress now. Get the best Solicitor you can afford. Tell your family and his, don't be horrible to his family as you are not divorcing them.
Tell him as of next week he will be having the children from Friday night to Sunday night every second weekend and every Wednesday evening. Make sure he understands that they are not to meet any new woman for at least a year after the relationship starts.
Don't take him back as you will just be back in this situation again and you will be teaching your Sons that it is ok to cheat. Good luck, be kind to yourself

Why has the OW moved into her parent's house? Sounds like she might have been cheating too and had to move. If so, he's met his perfect match.

Ignore the hair message.

Exercise daily even if you don’t want to. Write down three good things every day and keep this as a journal. Write for 10 minutes every day about everything you are feeling and then burn it.

Read about the 180. If this is the third time you really dont want him back but I would do the 180 and get your ducks in a row. As others have said the illicit thrill has now ended and they will be heading down to earth with a bump. His mixed messages suggest he may want to keep you on a back burner.

It’s his self esteem that is shot - he is so desperate for external validation! He isn’t smart enough to recognise this and get help. You have remained loyal and you have capacity for forgiveness and the ability to move on - the fact you forgave before Proves this. You haven’t sought external validation in light of what he previously did. Write down 5 good things about you, add to this each day, keep it hidden and read every hour if you need to. Loyal, forgiving and resilient are your first three. Organised is number 4 as you got the kids to school despite how you felt. I was told to write ‘I am x because I did ….’. Write the reasons.

If you can afford it access counselling straight away. Keep posting, someone is always here.

This is exactly what I would do.

So you are in love with someone who uses you as an easy option essentially.
Saying your hair looks lovely is him ensuring that you remain so and maybe you will, he has no reason to believe that you will kick him to the curb this time. He expects you to take him back eventually when he gets bored of new woman number 5 or however many, was this is what you do.

I do not want to sound harsh, but your kids will grow up seeing that;
a) wives can expect to get treated like shit and should accept it
b) husbands can cheat on their wives and it's fine
c) that their mother is not loved or respected
d) to have super low expectations of their future partners
e) that no one can be trusted
f) that they may as well be untrustworthy and disrespectful themselves.

Take your pick. It's all shit.
Unpick your life from his. At least for the sake of your kids. They deserve better. You also do but you don't realise it. But YOU MUST KNOW YOUR KIDS DO!

It's an awful thing to go through, but you will make it out the other side and be happy. I had many very low moments when my husband left me with 2 young children when I was mid 35, I thought my whole world had collapsed. I had given up may career to to be a stay at home mum and was terrfied what my future would look like. My husband didn't admit an affair, but did mess around with my feelings and tried to keep his options open. Eventually I discovered there was another women. Some advice: 1) do not allow him to keep the door open, he obviously isn't happy in the marriage as he's met someone else and previously left you, don't kid yourself that this can be fixed. 2) Despite all the hurt and pain, keep relations with him on a good level, it's so damaging to children to grow up with seperated parents at war. I have a good relationship with my ex husband (though we have had our moments!) we can talk and deal with problems with the kids together, be in the same room as each other etc. He went on to marry the woman and have a child together, she is a great step mum to my kids. 3) after a period of time allow yourself to live and be happy again. My life went from stay at home mum to running a successful professional business and remarried. Its not always been an easy path and life isn't perfect, but you have to look to the future and try to live a happy and successful life. Just a different life to what you'd planned.

Do you have shared finances? Should you be thinking of moving half of any funds in your joint account into an account in just your name, so that it doesn't get used elsewhere by the jerk?

You'll look back on this and be proud of how you handled this, because your kids need you to be strong and look out for their best interests.

You’re gonna be fine. The women here will wrap their arms around you, talk sense to you, get angry with you, offer advice, and you will get through this.

He's being nice to you so he can tell himself that he is still a nice person. It won't last for long. He will turn himself into the victim and lay all the blame with you.

Google "the script" if you are prepared for what comes next you will hopefully cope better.

You know who he is. He is a cheat. Make sure you are financially protected. But be prepared for him to turn nasty.

If you’re on leave from work, get yourself back there woman! That will be a distraction & if you have a good boss he/she might be considerate of your current fragility. Put thoughts of him in a box and slam the lid. Compartmentalise him.

Does your company offer welfare & counselling services? Mine did.

Work is your “normal”, school runs are your “normal” and so on, so get back out there with yr head (and new hairdo) held high.

On a lighter note, my grandad cheated on my granny so she bundled up his washing and knocked the door of the OW. When she answered, granny dumped his washing on the doorstep with a curt “You want him? You can have this too!”
You could try that? (Suggested tongue in cheek🙄)

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this but the writing has been on the wall for years hasn’t it? DONT take him back. Don’t waste anymore of life on him. Make yourself and the children your no1 priority. You can do this.

You’ve done your best so let him go. LET HIM GO.

I've read all your posts, but not the whole thread but something tells me even if every other poster has said this you could do with hearing it again:

• you WILL get through this
• you ARE strong enough
• life WILL be better without him

I was your age with the same age kids when the same thing happened to me, except I was a sahm. You're already doing better than me. You have a career and prospects. You can do this.

Write down all your pain. Be gentle with yourself. Give the kids chips and beans for tea if that's all you can manage.

And ignore his compliments. He's trying to make himself feel like he's not the bad guy. He's being nice to you, how can he possibly be the arsehole here? Try to find your anger and use thoughtless shittiness like this to fuel it. Anger is so powerful. It will get you over this hump. He is despicable and you and your boys deserve better.

You will be fine it will get better. Please don't beg him not to do this, he did it! You haven't done anything wrong, he is a lying cheating little scumbag. why would you want him to stay? as others have said pack his bags and tell him to fuck off, so what if he has nowhere to go as we teach our children actions have consequences, his is he has nowhere to go, that's tough he should have thought about that! You deserve better, find your fire get angry about how he has treated you and your children!

💐 I'm so sorry you have to go through this

This was me 5 years ago. I was 33 with a 1 year old. I have no idea how I got through it but somehow i did & you will too. You find a strength that you don't know you had. On my bad days I really focused on my kid & it was better for him to grow up with divorced parents than in a household where his dad was so cruel & disrespectful to his mom.

He will mess with your emotions & probably swing between being nice & then horrible, it will mess with your head but stay firm.

If you don't feel like eating keep making yourself eat little snacks throughout the day.

It's a tough time, but I promise you it will get easier & in a couple of years you will realise how far you've come & be proud of yourself. 5 years on now I'm a much better version of myself & hes still a lying waste of space.

I didnt know anyone else in my position either. All my friends & family were still married or partnered up & I get how it can make you feel like you're the only one but you're really not. If you do want to talk to anyone who's been through it I don't mind

OP I'm so sorry you're going through this. When I was in the same situation what helped me the most was the realisation that if everyone else in the world could live perfectly happily without the cheating prick, then so could I.

Without him, all that happened was my happiness levels and sense of wellbeing increased and my world (and that of my DC) became more stable. A weight was lifted that I hadn't realised was there. There's a lot to be said for a life without game playing.