Husband leaving me for another woman. Pls help. shock.

[Chchchchangess]

I can’t write much detail right now but I desperately need some positivity.

my husband has been acting off for months and last night I questioned him about it and he finally told me he’d met someone else from work. She gives him the attention that he hasn’t been getting from me.

please be gentle.

i know my marriage is over but I still care about him.

im 36 and clearly have very low esteem

He Left me three years ago but I let him come back - our baby was only a few months. another woman never transpired. He cheated on me before, though… about 10 years ago.

infeel sick.

we have two boys age 7&4.

I am crumbling please help

Financially you'll be fine if you're the main earner. It sounds like you're already taking the majority of the responsibility for your children if you're the one doing school runs in the middle of this crisis. Finalcially and practically you'll do just fine without him.

This leaves the emotional part. Right now you're in the thick of it, at the height of the shock, grief, anger and pain. This is as bad as it's going to get, and it'll only get better from here. You may feel like you're crumbling now, you may stumble for a moment. Take your time to cry and grieve, but know that you'll find your way through it eventually. This, too, shall pass.

He has shown you with clarity who he really is. He has treated you badly throughout your relationship. Leaving you for another woman because she gives him more attention is beyond immature. What, then, when the honeymoon-phase with her ends? Know this: The problem lies with him, not you.

Fun fact: Research shows that as we grow older, and our children do, too, men benefit healthwise, both physically and psychologically, from being in a marriage or long term relationship. Women don't. We actually thrive better when living alone later in life.

Oh OP, I'm so very very sorry you are going through this. I have some personal experience of similar, so have some idea of what you are going through.

You are in shock at the moment. Absolutely take every bit of support you can from friends and family, it is going to take time to process all of this and it will be a long road, but you will come out the other side of it stronger. There will be times when that doesn't seem possible, but it's true, you will be bomb proof after this. The fact that you are the main bread winner is really good, at least you have some financial stability and not the added worry of money right now, which would be the last thing you need.

Don't call him, don't beg him to come back. He has checked out of your marriage and is not repentant or remorseful - even if he came back it would only be putting off the moment when he'd do it again and you'd be back at square one. What you need is a fresh start without this horrible, selfish man. At the moment you can't imagine life without him, your brain and your heart have been conditioned and wired to view him as essential to your existence - give it time, even if it takes a really long time, that will fade. Your anger will kick in eventually, and there will probably come a point where the love begins to die because his betrayal will sully him in your eyes. He is weak and selfish and a liar, you can do so much better. Take all the time you need to process everything, go through these stages of grief, they cannot be rushed, and just get through each day one at a time. Get some counselling if you need to. A lot of people in your position go through some level of PTSD so you will need support. There will come a time when you realise it is starting to get easier. And there will come a time when you look at him and no longer feel that need for him or that love. Better times lie ahead for you. There will be a happy future without him, much happier, you just need to hang on in there. You can do it.

Please , your better than this.
He has cheated on you 3 times.
He isn't going to stay even if if you fixed it again, as he wants out.
He really is stupid, and since his leaving won't leave you pennyless, just come rant on here instead of trying to get the scumbag back.
You deserve so much more and so do your children.

So sorry, Chchchchangess. You will feel as if things will never get better, but it takes time and a lot of pain before you start to feel a change. But slowly, you'll get back on track, and yes, your life will alter, but you'll adjust to it and feel so much better for not having to deal with the crap he brings to your life.

You will be OK. Be kind to yourself and don't expect too much from yourself. One minute, one hour, one day at a time. You'll be grand, I promise🙂

He's a repeated cheater and you're the main earner. Honestly OP you will be happier and better off without him. Its a crappy thing to go through, but if you can find your anger you'll find the process easier. Don't take him back, ignore his messages. He's expecting to get away with this again, hence the compliments.

Sorry OP. Gentle kind wishes to you. It may not seem like it at this time, but I think this will be a blessing for you ❤️ you deserve much more.

OP I am so sorry.

The thing is, from what you say - even if you begged him to come back and he relented - it would be dead in the water. He would cheat again - history has shown this - and even if he was faithful for a while, you would never be at peace as you would be waiting for the inevitable. The trust is gone.

So the hard part is now, because there is no going back, no matter what he does or says. And he MIGHT change his mind tomorrow or next week, but you have to hold strong because you cannot have what you want with this man. A truthful and trusting relationship is not an option. I know that's brutal but you have to start from a place of truth in order to go through the next phases: anger/healing etc.

Is there someone who can have the DC for a couple of days so you can fall apart before you pick yourself up if that's what you feel like doing? You need to be allowed to cry and scream if that's what you need to do.

I'd also tell a close friend or family member. It's hard because then it's real, but it IS real so get support.

And mostly, disengage from your H. Be polite but firm with him. I would tell him now that you are obviously upset and angry as he has turned yours and your children's lives upside down. Tell him you would prefer to only communicate via text for the time being until you feel ready to speak.

There are 100s of posts on here that will talk you through the likely patterns that will follow. Promises to make sure you and the kids are ok, wild offers to give you the house and pay you xxx - most of which will soon be withdrawn as his reality starts to dawn on him. At some point it will be all your fault and you will be threatened to be left with nothing. You need to get ready and get strong for the fallout.

It's shit, but you will make it.

He said that because he’s a “ keep my options open” person. OW might not work out, you’ve taken him back before, then he can look for attention elsewhere.
He’s done this to you, he’ll do it to her.
Treat yourself kindly, you feel devastated now but you’ll find your anger and then he gets to do things on your terms, you call the shots on child support, child care he does and how and where he does it. Take control and you’ll feel better.

The guy is a prick and he has been a prick for at least a decade. No you shouldn’t have accepted any of this but you are where you are now. Who gaf that he has nowhere to live, change the locks when he is out - yes I know that legally if he is on the deeds blah blah blah - who cares. Money well spent to take the smug look off his face. Don’t hang around any more waiting for him to keep you dangling. Tell him you want to go for a no fault divorce and instruct a solicitor. The hurt will take a lot longer to resolve but it will go away. You are still in shock, things will get easier and the horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach will be gone.

Far better to sort it now at 36 than be going through it again at 46 or 56 and feeling like you wasted all that time. And you will kick yourself later if you take him back this time. Anyone I know who took their DH back cos they had young kids and didn’t think they would cope DEEPLY regretted it later. In one case, the DH did not actually cheat again but the DW is stuck with this loathsome human and is expected to act like it never happened and that particular friend wishes she had taken the chance to end it at the time when she was much younger. Good luck!

He Left me three years ago but I let him come back - our baby was only a few months. another woman never transpired. He cheated on me before, though… about 10 years ago.

This is the third time, that you know of, that hrs cheated on you and the second time he's left your relationship.

By the law of probability he's likely to do it again, even if he agrees not to leave this time; you'd just be kicking the can down the road again.

This guy is either a serial cheater or he just doesn't feel the right way to stay in a relationship with you. Even if it's the latter, he's still a shit, low integrity, dishonest person for ending your relationship the way he has (twice). He could have just left, without always setting up other women and cheating on you.

Yep, probably.

Or he's trying to be "nice" because he knows you're devastated.

But probably the former.

As gently as possible OP don't beg him to "not to do this" as he has already "done this", he is also complimenting your hair etc because he wants options and for you to leave the door open if it doesn't work out with his latest fling (or at least give him a roof over his head until he gets his ducks in a row with somewhere to live with her)

You really need to harden your heart to him if you can, the man who you loved is now dead to you this is just a manipulative bastard who is in his place and there is no way of fixing the relationship, it's happened 3 times and will keep happening and your children deserve better than to grow up seeing their mother get emotionally abused and taken advantage of by their father. X

You are in a good position, he is not. Get your ducks in a row, get him out and only speak to him via written communication to arrange the care of your children. Big hugs OP. X

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

He sounds insecure and pathetic and as much as you do love him which I completely understand you still do despite his shitty behaviour towards you, you need to try and use every ounce of strength you have in you to absolutely let him crack on and to start concentrating on yourself. You do not deserve to be put second to all these other women and to be left like this but in the longer term he's honestly doing you a massive favour because it's saving you from many more years of feeling worried that he may cheat on/leave you again. Try if you can to see it from that perspective rather than focusing on the good times and how much you love you have for him. It's bloody painful and you will be grieving for a while but when you come out of the other side stronger because you will have worked on yourself and discovered a life that doesn't revolve around him you will feel so much more at peace. Good luck OP you will be okay 🙏

I'm so sorry.
He is an utter shit and you deserved better. One day you will look back and realise that he did you a favour.
You'll be ok xxx

💐

So sorry this is happening OP.

Unfortunately he has a pattern of doing this and you wholeheartedly deserve so much better. You and your boys.

I would concentrate on seeking the best emotional support of family and friends. And get legal advice immediately, do not leave the family home. He has been adulterous, so you stand on firm ground to have security for your boys right now.

Sadly this is what I think you need to focus on. Security and stability for you and your boys is all that matters and not letting this awful man hurt you anymore.

You are 36. You are strong and capable. You will survive this and there are much better times ahead for you. 💐

❤❤❤

This exactly happened to me nearly 20 years ago. I so wished I had left when he had been cheating first of all. But I worked on my self esteem. Lots of visits to the gym for endorphins and walks in nature. Always stop yourself from self criticism. He is feeling guilty at the moment so any commitment you can get out of him. Mine couldn't afford half the mortgage so I played heartbroken at loosing my home and he signed it over. You need to not loose financially and for the kids to know he loves them and gives them quality time. Also go to marriage guidance to find out if you can retrieve things. If you do still work on that self esteem.. self confidence is attractive x

Crying and screaming parked up in the car can help. Also chakra visualisation meditation. Try and keep calm for the kids. Keep civil to maximise his guilt. Enquire on line about what kind of settlement to expect. Journal your feelings so that when faced with a husband who for financial reasons may like to stay you are the one that decides. Remember to eat and drink plenty of water. X

Ps if you are to share custody then he will need to have his own private accomodation with two bedrooms (one for him, one for boys). It wouldn’t be acceptable, as far as I know, for children to be in a house share situation. Be careful he is not trying to wangle out of his responsibilities as a father too.

Don't call him. Don't ask him to reconsider. He's treated you appallingly three times. That's enough - don't let him do it again. You are in an amazingly strong position because you're the main earner.
Hang in there. You will get through this and your life will be happier for it.

Dont let that fucker ruin you.

I completely understand having a wobble now and then but you must never show it to him now and accept that it is over. You really shouldn't take him back.

It might help to think about your children - do you really want them to learn you can cheat on a partner, make their life hell and get away with it? You won't be able to hide their Dad's behaviour as they grow up and they will think it is acceptable to do this

OP, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It will pass but that's no help to you right now of course. You mention that you've overlooked/forgiven previous infidelities. Please dont do this again when he tires of this one. You know who he is and he wont change. Don't have him back. Save yourself.

@Chchchchangess Dont do the pick me dance. He has cheated on you again and again. Do you want to be in the same position in 10 years time ?