Husband leaving me for another woman. Pls help. shock.

[Chchchchangess]

I can’t write much detail right now but I desperately need some positivity.

my husband has been acting off for months and last night I questioned him about it and he finally told me he’d met someone else from work. She gives him the attention that he hasn’t been getting from me.

please be gentle.

i know my marriage is over but I still care about him.

im 36 and clearly have very low esteem

He Left me three years ago but I let him come back - our baby was only a few months. another woman never transpired. He cheated on me before, though… about 10 years ago.

infeel sick.

we have two boys age 7&4.

I am crumbling please help

Darling, not only will you be OK, you will BETTER without this lying cheating excuse of a husband. Stay strong and dream of your better future xxxx

He's not going to find it much fun renting a room in a shared house, having a girlfriend who lives with her parents, and not seeing his DC regularly. But it's something you're going to have to let him do. Sounds like an early midlife crisis.

This is a terrible shock. I'm glad you're taking some compassionate leave. Take care of yourself.
The best thing I've read here is that YOU are the main earner.
Having your own means is hugely important. You're an independent woman already. Lose this sad piece of baggage.

I'm certain a better future awaits you.

My exhusband did exactly the same to me 26 years ago. It was absolute agony. Our children were 3 and 2 and I was a SAHM. I thought I would die of the pain but it gets better. You are working and your children are at school/ nursery so you aren't starting from scratch. That is a brilliant thing.You have some control and as time goes on you will take more and more control. He will have to sort himself out regarding accommodation. Your days of assisting his life management are over. I went back to teaching, supply at first then longer contracts. I bought a small house for us and a reliable car. He had been having an affair with a 17 year old from work. He went full midlife crisis, sports car, tall hair to hide the bald patch, trendy clothes. I have a wonderful life with my second husband . We took early retirement a couple of years ago and are having a ball. He adores me. My exhusband would move away if I tried to sit next to him. He was terrible with money, drank like a fish and ignored his children.It didn't feel like it at the time but I was definitely better off without him. If I'd known the life that was coming I would have helped him pack.

OP, you feel awful right now but trust us - you will come out of this happier and stronger than you were before.

Maybe other posters can recommend threads where women have been in the same situation and emerged stronger?

Don't beg. Don't cry to him. Do your grieving with your own friends/family or even in private. You'll need to get your finances in order and toughen up to him. It's going to be hard but you will do it. Wishing you all the best.

All of this above - and you aren't crumbling, you're bending under the load you are carrying. You will spring back upright stronger and taller once you start to actively take control again.

He is a horrible man, and you and your children deserve better from life. You'll get there, I promise you. He isn't worth the steam off your pee.

He complimented your hair to keep you strung along, he’s not sure if OW will be so keen on him in his bedsit and wants you to dance the pick me dance to polish his fragile little ego.

The shock is numbing I know. Don't ring him, definitely do not beg him. He would love that seeing you beg. Don't give him satisfaction as he has already decided to leave you. Try to totally ignore him. Do not cook him meals, make him do his own laundry. Don't let him sleep in your bed or come into your bedroom. Get mortgage statements, marriage certificate, any pension documents and make appointment to see solicitor. You divorce him. Take back control. It will make you feel better than letting him divorce you.

I’m 6 months on. It’s shit. Yesterday I cried, total breakdown. But, and this is a big but, that’s the first time in ages, and it wasn’t because I missed him, it was because that fuckwit swanned off without a backward glance and I’m dealing with a stressful situation that normally would have been shared. He’d also been a dick over something completely unrelated.

what I’m trying to say is it does get better, I didn’t believe the people that told me that at the time but it’s true. We had a really good relationship, rarely argued, shared a similar outlook and I never thought he could do this to me or the kids (this being buggering off with someone closer in age to our daughter!) on reflection though my life is richer now, I do more, I do things I want to do and I only need to consider the kids 🤷‍♀️

For now though allow yourself to grieve, crying is ok, contact your closest people and lean on them, mine were a lifeline. I wouldn’t hide what has happened, this is not our shame it’s theirs.

you will get through this, it may take time but that’s ok 💕💕

"No attention" literally made me snarl out loud.

Please don’t call him to ask him not to d this. He’s already done it and, what’s more he’s done it repeatedly in the past.

Hes complimenting you to try to keep you sweet while he stays on. Probably hoping for meals, laundry and a side portion of sex. Honestly, your four year old could probably be more subtle.

Reach out and get support from absolutely anyone except him. He’s bringing you nothing but grief. Just take one hour and one day at a time. And stop communicating with him except around practical childcare etc.

Best wishes.x

Sorry to you're going through this but please don't beg this man to come back.
If in any case he does, he will resent you forever and will eventually cheat again.
Use this time to work on your self confidence. Wish you all the best x

This. ALL his creature comforts have vanished and I would bet he will come crawling back when reality hits.

That's probably what you're hopeful for, but please don't let him back. He doesn't want you, he just wants his comfy home where he doesn't have to share with strangers. He will move back in and you'll be so grateful but he'll just carry on cheating while living under your nose!! Don't do it. Instead, take strength from the fact he has made his bed and now has to lie in it.

OP I’m so sorry. What an utter ballsack of shite he is.

Focus on the practical. Get all your documents together. Call a solicitor. Take back some control.

You are so, so young. Your REAL soulmate is out there and losing this absolute waste of skin will - in time - be the best thing that ever happened to you.

Also start therapy asap. Just so you have someone to talk it all through with.

💐

OP, have you heard the phrase, “The trash has taken itself out”? This is what has happened here, your husband is the trash and he’s taken himself out, he is doing you a massive favour. He has not been a good partner/husband from the word go so now you are free to start building a more secure and happy life for yourself.

Tell your family and friends in RL and speak to a divorce lawyer. You sound like you’re in a good place financially so that is a good grounding for dealing with what is to come.

You can do this and in 12 months you will look back at this point and realise how far you have come and how much happier you are.

I agree with this.
And also I’d suggest he is sending you complimentary messages to stay on your good side so you won’t kick him out.
Get him out of your house as soon as possible. Find your anger!

Please DON'T call him. All this will do is prolong the agony and he will do the same thing to you again and again and again until you actually start to believe you are at fault.

Don't let your sons see that this is how to treat a woman - and certainly don't let your daughters learn that this is what a woman out to put up with. I know it's difficult when you have children, because he's their dad and they will want to see him etc, but separate that from YOU.

Line up your ducks - especially your financial one. You are the main wage earner, so that gives you so much wiggle room. Block him on everything and don't respond to any of his messages. See very good lawyer. Give yourself a good long break from him and all of his appalling and manipulative behaviour. Remember that this isn't the first time he's done this. And I would bet my last penny that it will not be the last if you let him back into your life. He's keeping his options open. Don't let him pull your strings.

He may try to approach you via friends and family. Shut them off straight away - if necessary say "I'm sorry, but if that's all you want to talk about, I'm going to have to leave" - and go. You need space to clear your head - do't let him mess with your mind.

You need to get tough, for your own sake and the sake of the children. Even if you don’t feel tough, act tough.

You can get through this. You’ve got through it before, twice. And every time you’ve got over it, your husband has dragged you back to despair. You can’t change him, he’s had 3 chances now. You can only change your response- forgive and forget clearly isn’t working.

Tell family and friends the truth about what he has done - because believe you me, he’s out and about putting a sob story around about how heartless you are, keeping him away from his kids , how they’ll struggle in a bed sit… be upfront. The shame is his to own.

Be aware that he’ll try to smarm his way back into the house for a comfortable life until everything is set up and ready to ride off into the sunset with OW.

The man you loved doesn’t exist. I’m sorry. You deserve better.

You deserve better and hope that when the initial shock is over you realise what an utter waste of space he was and that you are so much better without him.

You will be okay because you have two lovely children to be okay for. Be kind to yourself, take back your power and even if it's agony present him with a 'matter of fact' response. In other words Fuck Him. How dare he treat you this way. You'll come back stronger if you work on your emotional strategy now. 💕

@Notformethankyoukindly · Today 09:06

You will be ok OP, in fact you’ll be more than OK - you will thrive, in time. Get him gone from your home ASAP, start the divorce process, access all the support you can. Good luck 💐

I'll second this. OP What you have to remember is he does not care about you or why would he hurt you like this.

He’s complimenting you to keep you having on a string… keeping his options open, making sure you don’t do anything that might inconvenience him. Mind games.

you could beg him to come back, and he might, but I absolutely guarantee that in another 6 months/year/2 years you’d be in this exact situation again. The 4th time that he’s cheated on you… and all the pain that you’re going through now will be there again… and you’ll be back to square one. This wasn’t a drunken mistake… he’s a cheater. He’s not going to change.

think about where you want to be in 12 months from now……:. In this exact same situation again… after a year of questioning his every move and wondering who he’s messaging every time he picks his phone up? Or rid of him. A peaceful life free from stress and angst and worry. Time to focus on you, meeting new people, learning a new skill. Free from a lying cheating husband who can’t keep his dick in his pants.

You deserve better than this. 100%. And so do your kids. The more chances you give him the more he’ll do it and the more hurt you’ll suffer. And before you know it the kids will have left home, and you’ll be stuck with him, a serial cheater.:. And you’ll wonder where your life has gone. Please don’t. Please find your happy.

So sorry you're going through this OP.

Please don't beg him to not to do this. When my ExH left for the other woman I begged him not to leave (our DCs were 14wks, 2 and 6). I was terrified of being on my own and the effect that him leaving would have on the children.

He left anyway, after a few weeks of spending week days with the OW and weekends in our marital home (sheer hell) and had the audacity to expect the wifey service at weekends (meals and laundry). I wish now that I'd packed his bags up immediately I found out about the OW. But 20/20 hindsight is a wonderful thing and sometimes it's difficult to function properly when you're in deep shock.

You will get through this.

I'm now very happily engaged to a wonderful man who is a great step-dad to my kids. The kids see their dad and the OW every other weekend (unless they have something better to do with their friends)...

Tough shit if he’s got nowhere to stay. That’s no longer your problem. He decided to leave you so he can fucking leave.

Block his number. Buy a PAYG phone and that number is only for things relating to the children - what day/times he’s collecting them and any emergencies relating to them. Discuss nothing else.

Divorce/house stuff though solicitors and set up another email address for all that and for if he needs to send you any documents.

The only things you communicate about are the children and the divorce.

Best thing I ever did when my ex left.

Other wise you will always get messages like the one about your hair and it will be such a head fuck for you.