Page 18 | Husband leaving me for another woman. Pls help. shock.

Chchchchangess · 2023-01-26T08:14:14+00:00

I can’t write much detail right now but I desperately need some positivity. my husband has been acting off for months and last night I questioned him about it and he finally told me he’d met someone else from work. She gives him the attention that he hasn’t been getting from me. please be gentle. i know my marriage is over but I still care about him. im 36 and clearly have very low esteem He Left me three years ago but I let him come back - our baby was only a few months. another woman never transpired. He cheated on me before, though… about 10 years ago. infeel sick. we have two boys age 7&4. I am crumbling please help

JFDIYOLO · 08/03/2023 08:44

All the best for your date. Be careful. Be wise. You're vulnerable.

(Asking to see your phone = coercive controller.)

Pinkbonbon · 08/03/2023 17:41

Good luck!
Hopefully he's a nice chap.

Just treat it as a bit of fun and company and hopefully it'll be drama free.

Dery · 08/03/2023 18:21

Enjoy the date.

You completely have this, OP - your STBXH will be struggling massively with the fact that he repeatedly shat over your relationship and your family life and has finally killed your love for him. You gave him so many chances but it’s over now. Taking him back allowed you to test that with him and you have your complete answer. I think it’s really instructive that your friends encouraged you to get out there. No doubt they were so fed up of with seeing how badly you were treated by STBXH.

He has no claim to look at your phone so please don’t let him. In fact, you might decide it’s best if he leaves now. You don’t need a month. You know where you stand.

Maighnuad · 09/03/2023 08:04

Well I am disappointed in your shameful story - perhaps we need a shamometer ( light hearted)

Look I have been in a similar situation and thought I should stay but the facts are that he has cheated on you before and based on this will do again.
Its great to get some fresh attention which confirms that we are not - not worthy!

Have some fun and be kind to yourself. What would you advise a friend in the same situation to do ?

AcrossthePond55 · 09/03/2023 15:59

@Chchchchangess

Let your STBX wallow to his heart's content. As the old saying goes "The dog barks but the caravan passes on". Ignore him. I mean that seriously, ignore him. Do not respond. Do not sympathize or try to explain or reason with him. Don't even upbraid him or say 'what did you expect?'. Zip, zilch, nada. You've stated your position, you need do nothing further. If he chooses to feel 'hard done by', pity himself, or try to 'guilt you', that's his problem.

I hope you had a nice time on your date. Just remember that you need to keep your heart and emotions locked away in a nice little box for now. And whatever you do, 'keep yourself to yourself'. 'Rebounds' are real and they can be very painful and can lead one to make foolish decisions. I speak from experience.

hennythe100footbird · 10/03/2023 21:00

AcrossthePond55 · 09/03/2023 15:59

@Chchchchangess

Let your STBX wallow to his heart's content. As the old saying goes "The dog barks but the caravan passes on". Ignore him. I mean that seriously, ignore him. Do not respond. Do not sympathize or try to explain or reason with him. Don't even upbraid him or say 'what did you expect?'. Zip, zilch, nada. You've stated your position, you need do nothing further. If he chooses to feel 'hard done by', pity himself, or try to 'guilt you', that's his problem.

I hope you had a nice time on your date. Just remember that you need to keep your heart and emotions locked away in a nice little box for now. And whatever you do, 'keep yourself to yourself'. 'Rebounds' are real and they can be very painful and can lead one to make foolish decisions. I speak from experience.

Definitely this ⬆️

chuggins · 10/03/2023 21:44

You will get though this. He is a dishonest cheat and the trust is gone. You're better off without him

Grenola · 11/03/2023 15:32

Just read your thread and had to comment.
you are doing amazing…. I went thru all of this a year ago.

it’s so hard in the thick of it, it will get better.

dating will give you a boost and a distraction BUT it won’t make it go away. It will only delay you having to process it all. You are in too much of a vulnerable place to choose a boyfriend. You have blinkers on and are running away… I did exactly this and then had to extricate myself. Which was sad in itself and I also had all the grief of my failed marriage.

it’s hard but be alone, start the divorce. Make a childcare plan that involves him not being in your home. It’s the only way to move forward. Financially it is so tough, but slowely it will ease up.
mt husband left me while I was full time student and mum to three kids and one with a disability.. the responsibility he left me with was a shit show. But I’m nearly divorced now, house been transferred to my name. I single and sometimes lovely BUT I’m independent and not looking to another to fill the gaps

sending you strength xxx

xxxx

Grenola · 11/03/2023 15:41

Lonely I mean!!!

Original poster

Chchchchangess · 14/03/2023 07:57

Thank you everyone!

my ex has turned out to be very manipulative and is crying, telling me I’m breaking up the family, waking me in the night to beg for another chance, guilt tripping me for going out when he has the kids, and also… trying to track my phone.

ive told him it over - not because I cannot forgive - but because I don’t want to be married to someone who has cheated on me three times and also left me because they didn’t love me (2018)

im still seeing this guy and it’s going really well. It’s nice to have dates and not to have to carry around a load of horrible history of hurt and pain with someone. Even when I was with my ex on a date I could never quite forget his past behaviour. Lots of people won’t agree with me dating so soon - including my own family - but I’ve realised that I cannot please everyone.

I completely agree that I’m vulnerable and it’s too soon, but I think it was actually checked out of my marriage mentally for quite a few years - due to being continuously let down.

thanks ladies for all your help xx

OP posts:

PopGoesTheProsecco · 14/03/2023 09:13

Hi OP. Glad it's going well with the new guy - I think only you know whether you feel ready or not. Personally I think you deserve to have some fun!

Er - so it was okay for him to break up the family in 2018! He is a piece of work! None of this is your fault, this is all happening because of his actions and he's finally learning that actions have consequences.

Onwards and upwards OP! x

Brightshinylight · 14/03/2023 12:20

Good for you OP. You are on the right track. Your ex clearly expected you to put up with his cheating & shit behaviour. Guess he got taken back once and thought he had a free pass.

best of luck with the new guy, I think you know what you are doing.

Beaverbridge · 14/03/2023 12:38

Good for you. Don't fall for his bs, and who cares what other folk think about you seeing someone. Nothing to do with anyone else.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/03/2023 13:03

Ignore, ignore, ignore. His words mean nothing, his actions have told you all you need to know.

How do you mean he's waking you up in the middle of the night? I thought he was out of the house, has he moved back? At any rate, if he's out of the house, block him, at least overnight. If he's in the house, put a lock on your bedroom door or sleep in with one of the DC. Waking someone up in the middle of the night to go on at them is abuse. There's a reason why sleep deprivation is considered a form of torture.

Ydkiml · 14/03/2023 15:15

Easier to get over someone by getting under someone else . Enjoy . You deserve it .

Reigateforever · 14/03/2023 19:22

I am pleased you are happy but be careful as you are very vulnerable. You must sort out all the papers ready for the divorce. Ring fence your house so no one can make you and your DC leave in the future.

Original poster

Chchchchangess · 21/03/2023 20:05

Update

he is blaming me for wrecking the family x

OP posts:

PopGoesTheProsecco · 21/03/2023 20:38

No, no, no! He broke the family.

My DP got this crappy gaslighting after his wife cheated. After six months of her living with the affair partner, we met. When we met she begged him to take her back and he said no. She blamed him for breaking up the family (go figure).

My husband broke the family up after his affairs - but even he didn’t try to pull this one!

This is his doing.

Please don’t listen to him. None of this is your fault x

Brightshinylight · 21/03/2023 21:01

Of course he is. Now his actions have caught up with him & you are no longer prepared to put up with his shagging around it is the only option left open to him.

It is pathetic that he does not have the balls to take responsibility for his wandering penis.

tensmum1964 · 21/03/2023 21:09

Chchchchangess · 21/03/2023 20:05

Update

he is blaming me for wrecking the family x

The easiest way to take his power away is to say...."yeah OK, if you say so. It doesn't change a thing, so bye" People say this sort of thing for lots of reasons but usually the main reason is to keep the dialogue going and to grind you down. Don't let him draw you in to an argument about blame. It's pointless. Let him think that if he wants, your priority is gaining your freedom from him and moving on not a constant never ending, futile argument about blame.

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 21/03/2023 21:22

Remind him he cheated. He is a cheat. He rented a room because HE broke his vows... HE broke up your marriage. Did you continue with the divorce?

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 21/03/2023 21:49

He's got a bloody nerve!

You sound fab OP, look at you getting out there, enjoying time with your friends, a new male interest that can be as serious or not as you want it to be...

My advice would be to proceed with the divorce and enjoy your life. X

Catzby · 21/03/2023 21:59

You've got this! You do you!

Set an example for your children and model how you want them to be treated and be respected in a relationship. He broke the family, not you.

Your ex is crying because I bet she gave him the cold shoulder, but once he settled down again and gets comfy - he'll be out looking again. Especially if this is not the first time.

Other news - nice to get attention, but don't jump in too soon. It's easy to get preyed on when we're vulnerable. Have fun and enjoy the attention and yourself, but don't replace one for another. If Mr Fresh is worth his weight, he'll understand that and wait for you. Add a sprinkle of perspective and a dose of reality. Things always seem shinier when we're down low xx

AcrossthePond55 · 22/03/2023 00:50

What's that....#2 on his 'why it ain't my fault' playlist of broken records?

I love these cheaters who say it's the wife's fault the family is breaking up. Because what they're really saying is "You should just have shut up and put up with my disgusting behaviour".

Fuck him, the horse he rode in on, and the stable he keeps it in. Please, please stop listening to him. There's no need for you to listen to him, to even talk to him at all.

Original poster

Chchchchangess · 24/03/2023 15:27

It’s toxic

he tracked my car by putting a tag in the boot and knows I’m seeing someone else

he now is suggesting I have to sell the house 🏡 as he wants his own accommodation for the kids

hes still saying I am breaking the family and I feel so guilty that I can’t force myself to feel like I want to be with him

every time he has the kids he wants to know where I’m going

OP posts: