How much access do you and partner have to each other’s phones

[Rockingchai]

I am in a long distance relationship of 14 months. I absolutely trust my boyfriend to be faithful. However I have noticed he is very anxious about me using his phone, ie if if I ask if I can look at photos he has taken of a day out together - he will hand his phone over but hover anxiously watching as I look.

I have noticed this a few times but not mentioned it yet, though I probably will feel driven to say something at some stage.

I do feel there must be something on his phone he’s worried about me seeing. I have thought - dating apps? But honestly I do not feel suspicious at all he is seeing or wants to see other people. Could be porn, I know he watches occasionally. Could be that he has talked about me in messages and doesn’t want me to read, or thinks I will be offended at “jokes” sent in his friends’ WhatsApp groups. Could be anything and I will probably never find out.

My relationship with my ex had its problems but we did have free access to each others’ phones and this phone anxiety on the part of my boyfriend makes me feel sad.

How much access do you and your partner give each other to your phones?

Again, if you care that much don’t text it to people. As a partner or child could be holding the phone when text preview pops up

Thankfully I don’t know anyone irl who is this precious and would find it odd that my DH or other friends knew what they had told me and the same in reverse.

None. He doesn’t know my passcode & I don’t know his. We don’t do any of the linking / sharing stuff on iPhone. We trust one another and we both value our individual privacy. I would regard a partner who wanted access to my phone as a huge red flag.

My wife has complete access to my phone, laptop, ipad, etc - all our passwords are in one password manager and I have a crib sheet with important p/w's for her so if I kick the bucket she won't be stuck getting access to anything. We use the same passcode on phones just to make it easier for her - my fingerprint unlocks her phone and vice verse - I use her phone and ipad just for convenience if they are lying around to quickly google something or look at the weather etc but I have never felt the need to look around on her phone for any other reason.

@whattodo1975
A lot of people on this thread lying about how they have access but never look at partners phone.

You are telling us what you would do, which isn't what all of us would do. You're assuming everyone is like you. I've known my DH password for years and NEVER looked at anything on his phone or even considered it. I believe the other people on here who say the same. I think it's a fairly normal approach, to respect someone else's privacy. It goes both ways.

On another matter, I think some people are confusing two issues - having access to someone's phone doesn't mean prying or snooping. We have each others' codes because it just makes sense - one of you is driving and you want the other to answer your phone or check a message that's arrived / one of your phones is dead or broken or you forgot to bring it out, and you want to look something up. It makes practical sense to have the code.

That is not the same as snooping. If you trust someone, you don't need to check their phone, AND you trust them not to snoop through yours just because they could. (I liken it to having someone's house key for emergencies - it doesn't mean you'd let yourself in and go through their stuff... they wouldn't give you the key if they didn't trust you not to do that).

I'm a bit confused why you wouldn't allow your partner full access to your phone? So what if they see your camera roll? What can possibly be on there that you wouldn't want your DH to see that they don't see day to day?
Not saying it's right or wrong but just can't understand why you wouldn't want your partner to see photos lol?
I can understand the text thing as I'm always texting my friends and family if we disagree on something!!

We were on holiday recently as a family and I realised that we occasionally pick up each others phones as a family with no issues whatsoever.

But equally, and very importantly, I don't think anyone feels the need to check up on anyone! I wouldn't dream of opening my teen's Snapchat (as frankly I wouldn't understand it!) and they equally wouldn't bother ever looking on mumsnet on my phone.

But I happily pass my phone over to them and don't peer over them while they look at photos I have taken that day, or a shopping choice I am debating over.

That's the sort of relationship and family atmosphere my DH and I have created in our family with our children over the last 20 years, because that's how we are with each other and always have been. We're very open while still respecting privacy.

Think VERY carefully what your DP is telling you by being anxious about his phone. Think if this is what you want in the future.

Again, if you care that much don’t text it to people. As a partner or child could be holding the phone when text preview pops up

@Tenuouslink How likely is that? And they'd have to read it in the milisecond that that comes up for.

And if I'm not using my phone it screenlocks after a while and I have to reenter my PIN.

No other person is ever holding my phone, unless maybe it's that I asked my bestie to help me do a thing on it that I can't work out how to do.

We answer each other’s phones but apart from that we don’t have any reason to look further.

I’ve never looked at DH phone. He’s never looked at mine. We don’t ask what each other was doing / who they were with when out of the house. Have never really thought about it...

It's not really a conversation. If he's driving he'll ask me to look up something on his phone, and vice versa when I'm driving. If at home his phone rings & he's in another room, I'll glance at screen shout out to him know who's calling. Again, same thing vice versa. We know each others' phone PINS. Wouldn't occur to me to look through his messages and he's even less of a phone person than I am so doubt he'd bother checking mine. What's the point of monitoring phones anyway? All a person has to do is read a message then delete it immediately surely, and then you'll never know.

Think VERY carefully what your DP is telling you by being anxious about his phone. Think if this is what you want in the future

Telling her he wants privacy perhaps? Which MANY people on this thread have also agreed is important to them. What OP wants in the future?- full access and monitoring of his phone? Yet he is the red flag here? Riiiight.

None.
Although there have been periods of suspicion brought on by incidents of exes reappearing.

I don’t know his PIN, he doesn’t know mine. His phone is his, mine is mine. I’m not hiding anything but like most of us, my life is in my phone and I value my privacy,as does he. I think some people feel like their spouse should have total immediate access to every aspect of their life, whilst there’s nothing wrong with that view, it’s not one I share .

I know all dh’s passwords and he knows mine, more from a perspective of anything happening to one of us than for ‘snooping’ purposes. If I needed to use his phone I would ask him and he would ask me. I respect his right to privacy.

It's never occurred to me to look at DHs phone and he's never asked to look at mine.

So none

Over 30 years together and only limited access eg if we’re looking at something on Amazon etc we will hand over briefly to show it. But we don’t share passcodes - we both have banking apps so presumably sharing face recognition access would breach the banking security rules. Originally DH paid for my phone as part of a group contract but I ended that when the first contract expired and never went back. My phone, my privacy.

My wife insistently gives me access to hers so I can help with a lot of the admin with the kids, including my step kids that I (understandably) can't do anything with on mine. The education system app with what homework they should do etc - I do the reading with SD8 every evening for instance.

She also has access to mine and if she knows I've taken pictures and forgotten to send them will just do that herself.

When the three kids are a bit older and we actually have time for more individual pursuits I guess the "convenience" reason won't be there. I won't bother changing my PIN at that point, I won't be bothered if she does (but would put money on her not bothering either.)

Total access - no reason not to. Occasionally we use each others phones for Deliveroo or to share photos. However we would never check each others notes or messages (email/whatsapps/texts etc.) and trust that from each other. Your boyfriend's behaviour sounds weird, definitely like they are hiding something as why would he not trust you? I think though in the interest of trust, just raise it directly with him rather than Mumsnet!

“Think very carefully about what your partner is telling you by being anxious around his phone. Think if this is what you want in the future”.

This comment did really strike a chord. I don’t know what he is telling me through his anxiety and I will ask him. I don’t want a partner who is fearful of handing me his phone every few weeks or months so I can look at the photos he has taken of our day out together. It’s either an issue of him not trusting me not to use the opportunity to snoop - or an issue of him knowing I may see something that may really upset me - neither of these options really float my boat.

We both know each other's PIN codes, often hand over our phones so the other can look at photos we've taken or to use it because it's the nearest phone to hand. Neither of us have anything to hide, so it's no big deal.

We wouldn't "check" each others phones , if bf is typing a message he wouldn't obscure the phone, all pretty open. I gave him my pin to type something for me, not a big deal.

I’m having a similar discussion (or rather, disagreement) with DH at the moment.

Long story short, he won’t tell me his password for his phone as he said it’s private and has never done that before.

I understand wanting privacy to some degree but he knows the passwords for all my devices and has on occasion used them which I’ve had no issue with.
I explained that to him but he just keeps going back to the same thing that his phone is private. I said it’s not like I want to go snooping around or checking his messages every day, and that given we are married we should be sharing our lives fully so this shouldn’t be a problem, also if anything happened to him I may need access. But he’s adamant that he’s entitled to his privacy. This is making me feel like he does have something to hide, as I’ve openly shared mine.

@Moredrama change all yours and see if it suddenly becomes a problem for him.

I did change it on my iPad a while back as I didn’t want DC looking due to photos (birthdays/Xmas gifts), I didn’t think anything of it as I rarely use it, and DH rarely uses it. DH brought this up during our disagreement, having never raised it before, saying that he could think I’m up to something.
On the ipad my text messages do copy over to it so DH would have had access to those, but WhatsApp messages & emails aren’t on there.
DH knows that if he had said anything at the time I would have told him the new password. He still knows passwords for my phone and laptop (but denies knowing them?).

None