How much access do you and partner have to each other’s phones

[Rockingchai]

I am in a long distance relationship of 14 months. I absolutely trust my boyfriend to be faithful. However I have noticed he is very anxious about me using his phone, ie if if I ask if I can look at photos he has taken of a day out together - he will hand his phone over but hover anxiously watching as I look.

I have noticed this a few times but not mentioned it yet, though I probably will feel driven to say something at some stage.

I do feel there must be something on his phone he’s worried about me seeing. I have thought - dating apps? But honestly I do not feel suspicious at all he is seeing or wants to see other people. Could be porn, I know he watches occasionally. Could be that he has talked about me in messages and doesn’t want me to read, or thinks I will be offended at “jokes” sent in his friends’ WhatsApp groups. Could be anything and I will probably never find out.

My relationship with my ex had its problems but we did have free access to each others’ phones and this phone anxiety on the part of my boyfriend makes me feel sad.

How much access do you and your partner give each other to your phones?

It genuinely baffles me this concept of ‘access’ to each others phones. Why would you want to have/grant ‘access’ to someone else’s possession? The very term ‘allowing access’ comes with connotations that there’s something hidden or taboo, when actually it’s just our own personal possession (the emphasis being on personal).

It’s never occurred to me to want to see what’s on my partners phone (nor that he’d have any interest in mine!). We don’t have any interest in seeing one another’s witterings or how warm our smart thermostats are warming our homes.

I suppose as much as we want! Both pin codes are exactly the same as they match the house alarm but I've never looked at his and to my knowledge he's never looked at mine!

Interesting question, I'd never thought about this really. Me and DH never use each other's phones. Been together over 20 years, and I would ask him to answer it if I was driving, for instance, but if I found him reading any of my messages (aka private conversations), I'd be angry.

None. I’d happily pass it to him to show him photos or whatever though.

I’m probably on my phone more than my dh but I don’t mind him looking at it, I often pass him it to look at something funny

Ultimately you need to decide if you trust your partner or not op

I don’t think we’ve ever looked at each other’s phones. We are both quite private people and respect that about each other.

It would be different if we didn’t trust each other I suppose. But then we’d have bigger
problems than phones.

A bit of access they get handed over from time to time know passcodes but rarely use them

We know each others passwords, but I have never just randomly looked through my DH’s phone. Married 20 years.

I’ve been with my husband 15 years and we rarely use each others phones . The only time I would feel cautious is Christmas or near birthdays. It happened this year where he asked me to add to our Tesco delivery order and I didn’t have my phone so he handed over his and I accidentally saw a Christmas present purchase for me 🙊

None. I’d dump a man who checked my phone. I view them a private and have no idea what my exH or new DP pin is

Only a little bit more than none. We can look at pictures or send a message to someone if ours is dead or we've forgotten it etc if we ask, but we'd never just grab each others phones etc. my DH had his thumb print to unlock my phone towards the end of my pregnancy so he could access my contacts in case he needed to get hold of the hospital or a family member in an emergency, but that got removed once each DC was born.

Literally just to look through photos if we've been out and he's used his phone to take photos for me for social media. Only time DH ever gets fidgety about that is around Christmas and birthday as he has a tendency to screenshot his online receipts so he has to double check there isn't any of those in the recent camera roll.

Erm I mean we both know each others passwords and stuff but we rarely go on each others phone because well we wouldn't need to as we have our own lol

Thinking about this more our kids also know the passcodes and have access to both our phones and they are teens/adults.

I don't have access to his nor him to mine.
You have to have some privacy.
If he's hovering over you then there may be something on his he doesn't want you to see but otoh
I wouldn't want my oh on my phone, I wouldn't want him reading my private messages/ thoughts that I share with my sister's etc

Access to someone's phone is basically direct access to their brain. Not a nice thing to do.

Agreed. My phone is my phone and no one else's business.

None. Privacy is important and it's not just about the partner's privacy either. Think about all the personal chats you might have with friends that they would be horrified if your other half was reading them. This is not about phone access though OP, it's about your boyfriend's reaction when you do have his phone and your gut instinct. I'd trust your gut.

None. We respect each others privacy.

We know each other's PINs (well, I'm fairly certain DH has forgotten mine, despite being told multiple times!) but only ever use each other's phones if we're in the car and one is being used as a SatNav.

I wouldn't want to read messages with his friends/family and would prefer he not read mine.

Nothing to hide, but reading conversations is like opening someone else's mail - you just don't do it.

I had access to my H’s phone. I never looked at it. Because I would never invade someone’s privacy like that.

Similarly, I would not rifle and look through his drawer of miscellaneous crap or the boxes of stuff he had.

The only thing I ever used it for was sorting out the issues caused by his car system not pairing properly with the phone. So I’d need to open Spotify in the car very occasionally.

unfortunately he didn’t have the same respect for my privacy. And being paranoid and weird about everything meant I was increasingly private - if someone is going to interrogate you about a website you looked up or mock you for having listened to music, you

This says more about you than us.

@Rockingchai There's no such thing as 'I trust him but'. You don't trust him. If you trusted him, you'd have asked him about your concern and accepted his response. You wouldn't be here. If you trusted him, you'd be saying 'I don't know what my boyfriend is doing on his phone, and that's no problem.'

What other couples are doing with their phones isn't relevant. Some couples have full access, and some have no access. It's according to their preferences, rather than what's right or wrong. What is your preference? How would you like things to look in your relationship? What do you need to ask your boyfriend, to make you more comfortable in your situation? This has nothing to do with what we're all doing out here. It is 100% about you respecting your own needs.

I think your gut feeling is always right

We don't. No need. Although he wanted to test something the other day on mine and I was happy to hand it over.

I will say though, even with nothing to hide I feel a bit antsy with someone else on my phone and it not on my hands. That's probably a reflection on me and my usage.

We both know each others PINs but we wouldn't just go on the phones for no reason. It's handy if one is driving and says to the other "can you check who that message is from" or "can you text x to tell them we're on the way". Last night I texted my DH's dad from his phone to talk about the football because he was feeding the baby and didn't have a free hand