How much access do you and partner have to each other’s phones

[Rockingchai]

I am in a long distance relationship of 14 months. I absolutely trust my boyfriend to be faithful. However I have noticed he is very anxious about me using his phone, ie if if I ask if I can look at photos he has taken of a day out together - he will hand his phone over but hover anxiously watching as I look.

I have noticed this a few times but not mentioned it yet, though I probably will feel driven to say something at some stage.

I do feel there must be something on his phone he’s worried about me seeing. I have thought - dating apps? But honestly I do not feel suspicious at all he is seeing or wants to see other people. Could be porn, I know he watches occasionally. Could be that he has talked about me in messages and doesn’t want me to read, or thinks I will be offended at “jokes” sent in his friends’ WhatsApp groups. Could be anything and I will probably never find out.

My relationship with my ex had its problems but we did have free access to each others’ phones and this phone anxiety on the part of my boyfriend makes me feel sad.

How much access do you and your partner give each other to your phones?

[PennyToffee]

None.

[whattodo1975]

A lot of people on this thread lying about how they have access but never look at partners phone.

[MavisFlump]

None but I have nothing to hide 🤷🏼‍♀️
DH is quite secretive about his but I’m past caring what he watches on it!l

[PaperDoves]

Absolutely none. In 15 years we've never had a reason to look at each other's phones. I get twitchy when someone uses my phone for any reason even though I don't have anything to hide. I would definitely hover if someone was flipping through photos on my phone because I would want it back pretty much immediately.

[JE17]

Full access to each others' phones but not because we'd check up on each other. Just handy to be able to pick up the other phone if wanting to quickly check something. It's not something we've ever discussed, maybe because we've been together since before mobile phones existed.

[Remaker]

I can never remember his PIN but the DC know it so I could unlock it if I wanted to. He would happily hand it over to look at photos or whatever. I have nothing on mine that I don’t want him to see. Neither of us feel the need to snoop.

[PaperDoves]

@whattodo1975

A lot of people on this thread lying about how they have access but never look at partners phone.

I don't think so. I know my husband's pin but I have zero interest or curiosity in sniffing around on his phone, so I've never done it.

There was a thread on here once about a woman who dug through her husband's packed suitcase just to see what was in there. That's a level of nosiness that I will never understand.

Maybe nosy people assume everyone is just as intrigued by potential phone secrets as they are, so they can't imagine anyone not doing it. 🤷‍♀️

[Thighlengthboots]

None. I don’t understand this concept at all. If you have so little trust in someone that you need to monitor their phone usage then why are you with them in the first place?! It’s also incredibly naive to think monitoring someone’s phone proves their “innocence”. Plenty of people cheat but delete messages, use another phone, etc. Checking someone’s phone and finding nothing on there is absolutely not definitive proof they aren’t up to anything suspect and anyone who thinks that is being extremely naive and likely to be easily manipulated.

[Dacadactyl]

We have total access to everything of the others'. So phone and Internet passwords, social media passwords, banking passwords etc.

Nothing to do with trust, just over the years these things have materialised. e.g. we have needed a torch and whoever phone is nearest "what's your pin, I need the torch".

Or someone is doing a run for charity but only my husband is friends with them on SM, so he'd say "can you log on and sponsor X for the run?"

All money and finances are shared so know banking info because of that etc.

Been married 13 years, together since we were 20. I'm 37 and he's 39.

[DappledThings]

We have the same PIN and sometime use each other's phone. E.g. if one of us is driving and the other's phone is linked up to the stereo and we want to change the music, or the other's one is in a different room and we want to quickly Google something, or look through photos the other has taken. No snooping, no need or desire to but it's available.

[CrunchyCarrot]

I have an ancient Nokia so mine is hardly used at all, DP's phone is often left lying about the place, I have no interest in looking at it. One day I think he set up facial recognition on it so I can access it in an emergency? I haven't ever tried it though, just not got the energy and smartphones I always find baffling to use. Yep, I'm a dinosaur.

[whataboutsecondbreakfast]

Neither of us have access to each other's phones. It baffles me that so many couples have no privacy at all from each other.

[DaisyCornflowerBlue]

Absolutely none.

[Pyewhacket]

None, because I value my privacy which is why my phone and laptop are password protected.

[Beercrispsandnuts]

I find it very weird wanting to have access to your partners phone. It’s like they aren’t entitled to any privacy. On saying that, I do have access to my husbands, generally as sometimes I need a bank code being texted through and he can’t be arsed, I’d not dream of looking through it. He doesn’t have access to mine, but it’s a work phone and he doesn’t need access.

[Rockingchai]

@JE17

Full access to each others' phones but not because we'd check up on each other. Just handy to be able to pick up the other phone if wanting to quickly check something. It's not something we've ever discussed, maybe because we've been together since before mobile phones existed.

This is what I had with my ex, but we were also together before mobile phones. This is my first relationship having to consider the issue of mobile phone access with a new partner.

Thanks for all replies, it’s reassuring that so many keep their phones entirely private in relationships or get anxious about others looking at their phones, without having anything in particular to hide.

I don’t want “access” to my boyfriend’s phone but I would prefer if he didn’t get so nervous if I am just looking at photos he’s taken of our day out together - these are the only times I’ve wanted to look at his phone, to forward myself photos of us as he often forgets to share.

However with my ex - while having free access to each other’s phone to look at photos or use internet if our own phone was dead etc - whilst this felt natural and easy - it also came with pitfalls. At times I knew my ex looked at my messages to see what my friends might be saying about him and this used to really upset me.

It’s not easy trying to negotiate a newish relationship at the age of 48! Starting from basic principles again.

[hryllilegur]

Absolutely none.

Ages ago, I did foolishly give my (STBX)H access to my phone - just so he could change the music in the car. He gave me access to his.

I wouldn’t even have considered looking at his phone. Ever. But he used his access to go snooping through everything on my phone. Because he’s weird and paranoid and possessive and controlling.

I was livid - it’s such an invasion of privacy. I’m not hiding anything but it’s still not ok at all to go through my phone. He started having a go at me because I’d sent a totally innocuous message to my ex about a local cafe that had started catering to our shared son’s dietary requirements. You’d think I’d done anything wrong.

I changed my passcode. I m he figured out the new one (on purpose) and had another look at some point. I also have my suspicions that he installed some monitoring software on my phone or connected my WhatsApp to his laptop or something.

I got a new phone, new Apple ID, new email account, closed all my SM just in case. He has a background in hacking, so my solicitor suggested that starting afresh as the only sensible thing to do.

He has never apologised. And is not sorry. He thinks that seeing if sent ‘the apple tree cafe now does GF food’ as a message to my GF child’s father somehow vindicates his actions. it’s evidence that I’m far too friendly and close to him. 🙄

[Neveragain85]

Isn't the issue here that you are sensing he is hiding something from you?

[middleager]

None. We don't know each others passsords and we are adults who like our privacy.

[Branleuse]

We both have passcodes on our phone, and we dont check each others, although we did used to at the beginning of our relationship when we were more insecure.
Im pretty sure he would let me check if i asked, and id let him check mine.

[Shoobydo]

We had none

[ZeroFuchsGiven]

@whattodo1975

A lot of people on this thread lying about how they have access but never look at partners phone.

We have full access to each others phones, If they ring we would answer if it was a text we would look but we certainly dont go scouring and and searching through stuff.

[00100001]

We have each others finger prints on them, but only use them if needed.

[Hopingforno2in2023]

None, if DH has taken photos he sends them to me

[WandaWonder]

@whattodo1975

A lot of people on this thread lying about how they have access but never look at partners phone.

How do you know?