"@Buildingthefuture And, whilst some affairs are of course reflective of issues in a marriage, I think a lot are reflective of issues in an individual. If you are desperate for attention or if you feel you deserve more….affairs fill a void in you, at huge detriment to the people you claim to love".
Whilst I hear and respect yours and others points of view re OW, I have to disagree again. Albeit you may be referring to the married men in your post. When I look at the men who have had affairs with my friends, they, the men, are the ones with the voids to fill. Usually unable to leave unhappy marriages , primarily for fear of never seeing their children ( often , not always, used as ammo by bitter spouses as a tool to manipulate). Also, finances ( always used ) or lack of them, keep a married man in a marriage. The married men my friends have had affairs with have fallen into 2 categories over the decades- Men who have the finances to leave immediately while DC are young and men who do not but, then leave when the youngest child reaches 18. This does sound clinical and has appalled me over the yrs. Ultimately, I suspect they ( the men) do not love , that is the point, they are no longer are in love with those they are supposed to be. That is how they can hurt. That is why they cheat.
I had a friend in the mid nineties who had a child with a married man. He was a-rebound for her, a bit of fun. He had 2 very young DC at the time. She ( OW) was financially self sufficient and could afford child alone. She was happy and independent, a good career. He paid generous monies monthly towards the child, hidden from his wife, monthly. My friend did not need this money, "Dad" paid and all respect to him for that. He saw his child weekly for over 18 yrs, maintained a full relationship with his child, a very well loved child. My friend met and married someone else during that time early on. When their ( AP) shared child was 18 ( and his 2 DC's from his marriage had finished uni) he finally told his wife everything. His financial liability to his wife was minimal then, literally division of assets. I have thought of his wife many times and often over the yrs.
Would i have personally behaved like this, no. Do I love my friend, yes. Is she a good person, yes. Has her AP child grown up and been a success in their life ? Yes. Has her AP child had a stable loving upbringing and every opportunity afforded to them by mum ? Yes.
My point is, i appreciate it is very unsavoury and not something I have ever personally been involved in. I am divorced, no infidelity, just unhappy so I left, because I had the personal finances to do so . I personally do want another relationship, to ever share a home or finances again. I really cannot be arsed with the where are you? Where are you going? When will you be home? Who are you texting? Let me see your phone! It's my birthday so I need a big fuss making of me! You cannot go on a friend's hen/stag do! Restrictions I do not want!
The OW I have known over the years are similar in outlook. Not sad or void at all, very successful and independent as I have said before. I suspect these types of casual " relationships" with married men fit in well with them, their lives, their family commitments, their work in fact, I know they do. I only know one OW who married her married man, and that was because there was decades of love and pre marriage relationship there. The others, did not want to be with the MM when the MM were free, too much impingement on their lives. Liked the casual sex, no texting drama each night.
I think it is very easy to cast an OW as some kind of victim. In my experience they are not, not at all. I suspect married women like to view them sch as it absolves their husbands.
Perhaps understanding why marriages HAVE to stay together for monetary reasons and access to children, is the bigger debate here. My DC see their father all the time, no limits. I also have my own money so never asked their father for anything but he paid full maint for both over and above when they were young. Between us, we negotiated calmly , maturely and responsibly and remain on very very good friendly terms to this day, meaning our children still have both full time Mum and Dad.
I suspect OW pose a threat to a married women's status quo. Be it financial or emotional. I guess it is easier to blame and malign an other women, who is both independent and financially free rather , than see why a/their husband would/has strayed.
Perhaps projecting insecurities and blaming others ( OW) is easier than accepting that your marriage is over and you are no position to do anything about it.