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Original poster

Loathing the "other woman"

205 replies

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 22/01/2023 20:02

I'm always surprised when I hear about women who have been cheated on detesting the other woman but not having the same vitriol for the cheating husband. I've heard it from women who took the husband back and one whose husband married the woman (which has to be fair lasted longer and been happier than the original marriage).

What is this about?

OP posts:
sianiboo · 22/01/2023 21:44

My father left my mother for the other woman, and married her...that was 34 years ago and they are still married.

My mother never had another relationship (she's a practicing Catholic) and still blames the other woman far more than she blames my father. She's more bitter now than she was 34 years ago...even though my father was constantly unfaithful the whole 23 years they were married.

I had sympathy for her for a long time, but as I got older I got tired of her blatant misogyny.

MishaBukvic · 22/01/2023 21:45

In my experience, I didn't hate the OW. I kind of felt sorry for her , pitied her . He'd fed her all the lies ("my wife doesn't understand me " "we're only together for the kids ", "the marriage is over but I can't leave her yet " schpeil).
I hated exDH. He is the one who lied , betrayed . Even down to the lies about his working hours and whereabouts.

I never felt anything like hatred towards OW really. I felt embarrassed for her. I felt sorry for her that she ended up with my ExH on her doorstep when I threw him out. I felt sorry for her that she had a cheat for a partner , who would inevitably do the same to her.

Tannedandfake · 22/01/2023 21:50

Needanewnameagain · 22/01/2023 20:13

I detest both of them equally for what they did to me and the children

☝️Same!

Noonesperfect · 22/01/2023 21:52

Daffodils320 · 22/01/2023 20:38

I think we dislike the "other woman" if she has knowingly had an affair with a married man because she's doing something crap to one of her own, another woman.
For me there was a feeling that the had broken some kind of female solidarity and I wondered exactly what sort of woman would do that.

Yes I think this is it. Well explained 👍

LolaSmiles · 22/01/2023 21:58

I think a lot of women are very misogynistic- they would much rather blame the woman and then they can pretend it was only the fact that the brazen hussy was batting her eyelashes and giving him come hither glances that made their dh stray. Some women would rather be married to a cheating, lying prick than have no husband at all - but if they blame the OW they can at least pretend to themselves their dh was in some way led astray.
I agree with this.
If you're choosing to stay with someone who has cheated, it must be mentally easier to avoid blaming them and minimise their part because otherwise you'd have to acknowledge that they could quite easily do it again.

Given the number of threads where posters say they're happy in sexless marriages and their DP needs to get over it, if they acknowledge their partner actively chose to cheat then it would mean the issues in the relationship need addressing. By blaming the other woman the lack of intimacy and affection within the relationship can be ignored.

Noonesperfect · 22/01/2023 22:01

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 22/01/2023 21:25

i can only speak from my perspective. I think for me, I struggle with women who do this because - I know how painful being rejected and betrayed by a man is (happened to me many years ago) and I think...as a woman I think you understand other women and would realise how deeply painful and absolutely confidence shattering that would be..and yet to still do it.... to a woman who has never done anything to you. I just riles me sense of justice.

I tend to think that men think we'll be ok../get over it etc. but a woman understands the pain she is inflicting. That's not to mention if children are involved too. It seems the epitome of selfishness and the worst of human nature.

Thats why as a the wife of a man who was married before I'm always very quick to explain he was divorced long before he met me. I'd hate anyone to think I was someone that would think that was ok.

Yes I totally agree with this

Thewookiemustgo · 22/01/2023 22:05

I think hating the OW gets tied up with the assumption that they are solely blaming the OW and not their husband quite often here. It’s as if women who hate the OW but stay with their husbands are therefore totally blaming the whole thing on the OW if they hate her and not him, but that’s not always the case. It’s possible and common to want to reconcile with your husband and oscillate from love to hate there, too.
It’s possible to blame the husband for the affair and still hate the OW. Sleeping with someone else’s partner is shit behaviour no matter who started it or which gender you are. Just because he didn’t walk away doesn’t automatically absolve the OW for not walking away.
Believing that any woman just has to bat her evil eyelashes to lure away a poor innocent man is total bollocks, however. Predatory women do exist though, as much as predatory men.
Cheating or knowingly being involved in cheating is a choice. And it’s a crap way to behave towards another human being, whether you know them or not or owe them a damn thing. To hate even a total stranger who did that to you and your children is totally understandable. Gets you nowhere, but it’s understandable.
I think some betrayed women on here daren’t say that they hate the OW, because the first thing that gets thrown in is that the OW broke no vows and owe you nothing etc etc, and the husband is to blame, and whilst that’s true, (along with any OW who knows that she is an OW but continues the relationship, part of the blame lies there too) I don’t think any woman in history has been indifferent to a woman who slept with their husband.
I can’t personally see anything wrong with disapproving of anyone of any gender’s poor behaviour, and understand hating someone who knowingly helped someone to hurt you, stranger or not.
I once read a fab reply to a post defending OW which said that ‘a grown woman is not a holy cow’ (sorry, can’t remember who you are) in reply to many responders being called out as misogynists for condemning the OW. Men do shit things, but so do women. Shit behaviour is just that, it has no specific gender.
Hatred only eats you up from the insides out and wasn’t worth the energy I expended on it. It doesn’t respond well to logic, however, either.
I have a couple of friends and a family member who have had affairs and not one of them speaks about it with pride or nostalgia. They shudder at themselves and can’t believe they ever thought that the OW or OM meant anything to them. They view that period of their lives as the darkest, not some true love that never was etc.

Hating yourself for something you know you chose to do must be way worse than hatred from anyone else.

IWineAndDontDine · 22/01/2023 22:18

Lenald · 22/01/2023 20:12

As someone who was once ‘the other woman’ we are a pathetic bunch to be honest.

Just don’t have sex with other peoples men, self esteem so low that makes you feel, what, wanted? You’re not, cheating men aren’t fussy. The damage caused to the female partner on that relationship is horrendous and not deserved.

It’s a huge regret of my life, my biggest mistake, a bump to my self worth which ultimately destroyed someone who just didn’t deserve it.

We hate the other woman because they think they are something they are not… ‘chosen’ it could have been anyone.

FYI… I am still in a relationship with this man (he left her). It wasn’t me vs. her, It was him vs. him I was just there at the right time but at the beginning, I could have just been anyone.

Totally agree. I've been there in my late teens/early twenties. Thought I was the bees knees and could turn even the loyal mens heads. In reality I had low self esteem, needed the ego boost and to feel wanted, and ultimately ended up feeling cheap and used. I would dislike the other woman as much as him, because I remember how "special" and smug I felt.

nationallampoons · 22/01/2023 22:25

I didn't hate her until she started taunting me about it, stalking me in social media and threatened my children with violence until the police were involved and she was convicted.

Now, I wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire. I know my ex has hurt her, she asked me for help and I said no. You reap what you sow

Ofcourseshecan · 22/01/2023 22:30

Dery · 22/01/2023 20:32

“It’s obviously a coping mechanism. Far easier to direct your resentment & hate at the person you don’t care about who owes you nothing & made no vows to you, than the person you still love who did make vows to you and then betrayed you.”

This. It’s no mystery really.

I agree. Obvious and natural. Not even sexist for women to hate the OW. Yes it’s unfair that the cheating husband so often gets away with it, but when it’s the other way round (cheating wife) I’m sure men hate the OM.

Cileymyrus · 22/01/2023 22:41

Interestingly, I feel very negatively about dh’s ex.

i think what she did to him and their kids is fucking unforgivable.

dh, on the other hand, is almost grateful to the OM now as he “took her off his hands”. In hindsight he can see her for how she is, and he is much better off not married to her.

his only regret is that the divorce and them having the OM move in and become stepdad means the kids have no memory of him being there, reading stories, doing bedtimes etc. they only know him as a part time dad. They also don’t know it was their mum that cheated, and all they have known is the OM as the role of live in “dad”.

as I said, I can never forgive the person who has the affair.

TrishM80 · 22/01/2023 22:58

Icecreamandapplepie · 22/01/2023 20:53

It's pretty infuriating that women have to come on here and feel they have to justify any feelings of anger they have towards the other woman. It is totally understandable.

Stupid question.

Exactly! The way some posters bang on, it's almost as if they expect the betrayed wife to think the OW is a little angel who deserves absolutely no blame at all!

bloodyplanes · 22/01/2023 23:00

Thewookiemustgo · 22/01/2023 22:05

I think hating the OW gets tied up with the assumption that they are solely blaming the OW and not their husband quite often here. It’s as if women who hate the OW but stay with their husbands are therefore totally blaming the whole thing on the OW if they hate her and not him, but that’s not always the case. It’s possible and common to want to reconcile with your husband and oscillate from love to hate there, too.
It’s possible to blame the husband for the affair and still hate the OW. Sleeping with someone else’s partner is shit behaviour no matter who started it or which gender you are. Just because he didn’t walk away doesn’t automatically absolve the OW for not walking away.
Believing that any woman just has to bat her evil eyelashes to lure away a poor innocent man is total bollocks, however. Predatory women do exist though, as much as predatory men.
Cheating or knowingly being involved in cheating is a choice. And it’s a crap way to behave towards another human being, whether you know them or not or owe them a damn thing. To hate even a total stranger who did that to you and your children is totally understandable. Gets you nowhere, but it’s understandable.
I think some betrayed women on here daren’t say that they hate the OW, because the first thing that gets thrown in is that the OW broke no vows and owe you nothing etc etc, and the husband is to blame, and whilst that’s true, (along with any OW who knows that she is an OW but continues the relationship, part of the blame lies there too) I don’t think any woman in history has been indifferent to a woman who slept with their husband.
I can’t personally see anything wrong with disapproving of anyone of any gender’s poor behaviour, and understand hating someone who knowingly helped someone to hurt you, stranger or not.
I once read a fab reply to a post defending OW which said that ‘a grown woman is not a holy cow’ (sorry, can’t remember who you are) in reply to many responders being called out as misogynists for condemning the OW. Men do shit things, but so do women. Shit behaviour is just that, it has no specific gender.
Hatred only eats you up from the insides out and wasn’t worth the energy I expended on it. It doesn’t respond well to logic, however, either.
I have a couple of friends and a family member who have had affairs and not one of them speaks about it with pride or nostalgia. They shudder at themselves and can’t believe they ever thought that the OW or OM meant anything to them. They view that period of their lives as the darkest, not some true love that never was etc.

Hating yourself for something you know you chose to do must be way worse than hatred from anyone else.

Spot on, fantastic post.

Moser85 · 22/01/2023 23:12

I think people find it easy to dehumanise the OW but for their partners they will come up with all sorts of excuses or they will say they were depressed/lonely/low self esteem/ blah blah. Many try to blame their partner cheating on the circumstances their partner was going through, whereas with the OW they make it more about her personality.

Also one of the easiest ways for people to bond (or re-bond) is over a common enemy. The wife/partner criticises the OW, the husband often agrees and calls her crazy/full on/she threw herself at him when he was depressed or needed an ego boost etc. They then bond over a common enemy.

I've seen soooo many stories where the wife/partner supervises the final call/message to the OW, and there is normally something degrading thrown in towards the OW, "I never had feelings for you, it was just easy sex that you handed up on a platter" or worse. I think the wife feels better making her feel shit, also feels glad that her partner delivered the line because that would hurt the OW more....and the bond over things like that too.

I also think a lot of women who stay after being cheated on are deeply miserable and angry and that anger has to go somewhere, because a lot of the time their cheating partners get sick of the topic being brought up again.

TheFormidableMrsC · 22/01/2023 23:17

I actually detested her when I first met her as an employee within my family, a visceral reaction. My mum felt the same and urged my brother to get rid. She just oozed vile. 20 years later she destroyed my family, my kids, and set out to make my life miserable. Ex was as bad and complicit. It wasn't just me she was a shit to, she had many many victims and was widely disliked. She abused my child and is now subject to a prohibited steps order. So yes, I hate her fucking guts 🤷🏻‍♀️

BesidetheseasideXxx · 22/01/2023 23:23

People can think it's misogyny to blame the other woman, but I actually don't think it's in the spirit of feminism to sleep with someone else's husband. I don't think it's a worse betrayal than the spouse having an affair but I do see it as a woman letting another woman down in a way, especially if there are children involved.

piggypoole · 22/01/2023 23:32

Because the OW is usually a friend or an acquaintance. Most men are still shagging the wife and OW at the same time . A lot of them shag the wife behind the OW back after they have left home for the OW.

cleanbreak2022 · 22/01/2023 23:39

When I first found the OW and met her, I didn't hate her, I pitied her. My hate grew from her behaviour following the fall out. She would put herself front and centre stage in financial arrangements, child arrangements. The shit head ex didnt step in and remind her to step back. He welcomed her 'standing up' for him. She made my life hell and then my children's. I hate my ex for allowing a perfect stranger to be put in a pedestal above our children and I hated her for feeling and being smug about crushing a 7 & 1 yr old.
I'm indifferent to them now, couldn't give a flying one. I'm zero contact with the pair. It took me about a year to get to this place and I can honestly say, I would would walk over them both if they were dying on the street in front of me.

AmazonianAvatar · 22/01/2023 23:55

Also if you’ve got DC, the cheating husband is the father of your DC, you’re still going to have to have to have some sort of relationship with them and you’ve obviously got history together so you can be furious but also still have feelings for them.

The OW is a nobody who assisted him in blowing your life apart. So stands to reason you’d have more hatred for her No? It’d work the same way for an OM I suppose.

I’ve never been cheated on afaik (30 years together) but it would disgust me to know I’d had sex with someone who’d then go home to his unsuspecting wife and eat the dinner she’d cooked, sleep next to her in bed, have sex with her. Sharing him. Feeling like she’d got something over on the wife. Couldn’t do it and can’t comprehend the mindset of any woman who could. Probably feel a bit sorry for them after the initial anger had passed.

Tron80 · 23/01/2023 00:01

"I guess because they're scared that their wife would divorce them and they'd not have all the benefits of having a little wifey & kids at home anymore and all the benefits that affords them?".

No, i think more likely they will miss their children and the financial impact, of what they will have to pay out to a partner who has not provided for themselves.

Tron80 · 23/01/2023 00:04

"I’ve never been cheated on afaik (30 years together) ".

Really? You know that for certain?

Moser85 · 23/01/2023 00:10

@AmazonianAvatar
Most OW probably don't think about stuff like that because the cheater is telling them the marriage is a sham and they live separate lives etc.

The husband is the one actually doing all that stuff hopping between beds, happy to live the lie and have sex with their wives even though they're sleeping with someone else. The excuse for men is that they compartmentalise which I think is bullshit, how can they compartmentalise something so big when they're actually living it. The OW isn't seeing the other side so it would actually be possible to believe what they want to believe.

FUEWC · 23/01/2023 00:14

In some cases, because it suits them. It suits them to have someone to blame for ruining their marriage, rather than do any self reflection.

VyeBrator · 23/01/2023 00:21

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 22/01/2023 21:08

It's not a stupid question. I'm asking why some women reserve hatred and vitriol for the other woman but appear to not have those same feelings towards the husband.

Granted not in all cases but I've observed it in some, in real life.

Show quote history

It's an very stupid question, or at least one posted with faux naivety in the extreme.

Clearly it's because they're in love with the man and can't switch their feelings off like a tap.

Therefore more of their anger is misplaced and directed at the woman, because they wrongly feel she was the one who came along and turned her life upside down.

FrostyNethers · 23/01/2023 00:36

Tron80 · 23/01/2023 00:04

"I’ve never been cheated on afaik (30 years together) ".

Really? You know that for certain?

No that’s why I typed afaik (as far as I know) 🤔.

Doubtful as I’m the most amazing, beautiful, sexy woman he’s ever seen but you never know. 😉