Loathing the "other woman"

[ImJustMadAboutSaffron]

I'm always surprised when I hear about women who have been cheated on detesting the other woman but not having the same vitriol for the cheating husband. I've heard it from women who took the husband back and one whose husband married the woman (which has to be fair lasted longer and been happier than the original marriage).

What is this about?

I think some of it is jealousy and some of it is the thought that they "came along and took" or came between them and ruined their relationship.

A lot of woman have a lot of hostility towards women that are a potential threat or just a temptation as though they present challenges to poor DP who has to control himself.

Do you ever feel guilty?

You do know the "she never wants sex" trope is a line as old as time?

They ALWAYS tell the OW that 😂

Saying "yeah my wife is great and we have fantastic sex on a regular basis" isn't going to get the OW feeling nice and sorry for him is it?

More likely he enjoys shagging two women as it massages his ego and you provide a nice bit of titillation in his spare time?

That's how it usually goes!

I think it's ingrained misogyny really, like it's a woman's job to keep her man happy, and if he isn't (and that must be why he cheated) then it's because she's done something wrong. So it follows that the other woman is also responsible. Not the poor man, he can't help it. So there's a bit of displacement too.

Same as me, even after 20 years! I don’t waste any energy in hating them or even thinking about what they did but I cannot forgive them.

It's not rocket science is it?

You have very negative feelings for someone who knowingly slept with a married man, and potentially broke up a family. What are you supposed to feel, happy happy joy joy towards them?

You'd be pretty passed if someone stole a few hundred quid off you, surely? This being a whole world worse.

The feelings felt towards a husband are equally negative. But- these feelings have to be managed if you decide to try and make it work due to children/ 20 years of marriage etc.

The real misogyny is in the question you've asked. As if women have done no wrong and deserve to be able to do as they please with other people's families.
The wronged and innocent partner shouldn't get to feel angry about that then? Total and utterly nonsense, of course the wronged spouse should get to feel anger, about both parties. These feelings are fair and a natural reaction.

@Yeahrightthen I know him very well. A more accurate description would be she doesn't want sex very often so it happens occasionally. But even if that's not true and they're at it like rabbits it makes no difference to me. The relationship I have with him gives me exactly what I need at this moment in time.

I just can't be arsed to hate either of them. Yes she was a very close friend but I feel sorry for her. He's vile and not a day goes by that I'm not thankful I'm free of him. They have behaved terribly towards myself and the kids. I'm just somewhere past caring. I'm very focused on my new life but this has taken time.

@turquoisegem no never

It's pretty infuriating that women have to come on here and feel they have to justify any feelings of anger they have towards the other woman. It is totally understandable.

Stupid question.

If you're staying its easier to believe he was led astray by one evil woman than that potentially he will go off with any woman who'll have him.
Women are held to higher standards than men and expected to help keep other women's men on the sexual straight and narrow.
Its seen as theft. The man belongs to his partner and the OW stole him.
Low standards for men. It's more shocking when a woman hurts us than when a man does.
Its more comfortable to acknowledge hatred than jealousy.
The myth of the female temptress and the weaker man.
The man was loved and emotions don't switch off immediately. The OW is a stranger so can be hated without being conflicted.

Yet huge numbers of posts are written on here every week about sexless marriages. Many by women who’d happily never do it again, haven’t done it in years, hope he’ll go off the idea with enough rejection, want everything about the marriage and the status quo of kids, house, shared social life, except a physical relationship.

Rationally the man should receive the same anger but it doesn't take a genius to figure out why you'd hate the OW especially if she knew he's married, or even knew you!

The man is someone you loved. It could be shock. You might believe you can work past it.

I was going to say the same @AnneLovesGilbert There are so many threads on MN about women who don't want to have sex and are happy to live in a sexless marriage, so I don't think it always is a trope. Some people are happy in their marriages but still want sex which explains why they might look elsewhere for it.

I never hated the OW. I did tell her she could have him when I found out though! My ex lied to her and fed her the script as well. Said we'd split, on holiday on his own when I was there, I never let him out( he was never in🤣). She binned him as soon as she found out the truth and apologised. Them he wanted to come back. He lost the both of us. Karma is a bitch I hear🤣

Don't you think it's very unfair on his wife? Chances are they are having sex, even if not often - shouldn't she know his penis is regularly entering another woman's vagina?

And that whilst telling her he loves her and enjoying all the benefits of having a wife at home he is spending time with another woman?

It's so disrespectful and callous of both of you. I bet she has no idea and would be heartbroken.

If you're both so sure she wouldn't mind why doesn't he come clean with her and suggest having an open relationship - let her have the freedom and fun to do what he's doing? I'm guessing because he wouldn't like it if the boot was on the other foot.

And no matter what you tell yourself, you are complicit in this man's deceit of his spouse.

Also, people are allowed to be annoyed at the OW/OM. Who cares if they hate them more than their cheating partner? As long as they're not seeking revenge, it really doesn't matter, they're entitled to fee as they like. Can't engage in cheating and then complain that they hate you more.

I don't think a marriage without sex when only one person doesn't want it is realistic or fair - however sneaking around behind your partners back isn't ok either.

Why don't these men tell their wives they want an open marriage?

I guess because they're scared that their wife would divorce them and they'd not have all the benefits of having a little wifey & kids at home anymore and all the benefits that affords them?

It's just men wanting to have their cake and eat it - it's such a cliche.

Probably easier to place the blame on this person for leading your H "astray", possibly less hurtful to think of it this way. Who knows

It's not a stupid question. I'm asking why some women reserve hatred and vitriol for the other woman but appear to not have those same feelings towards the husband.

Granted not in all cases but I've observed it in some, in real life.

@Yeahrightthen I don't tell myself anything. And yes I know I am.

There are loads of posts on here all the time about women not wanting sex with their husbands and yet on affair threads it’s always a lie when the DH says it’s a sexless marriage 🤔
I am a woman and was in a sexless marriage for 10 years - I don’t actually think my ex cheated but I couldn’t really have blamed him if he had and he wouldn’t have been lying about if if he had either.

I’m not justifying it. When someone cheated on me we were having plenty of sex, I don’t know if she asked or what he’ll have said if she did.

But it’s not true, though it’s often said, that men who say they aren’t having sex with their wives are lying. Clearly an awful lot of couples aren’t having sex and so a decent proportion of those men are telling the truth. I expect where a marriage is sexless and not by mutual agreement the one who isn’t happy with it is more likely to have an affair than someone who’s getting what they want from their spouse.

My ex is one of life’s serial cheaters, he’s been married to the woman he cheated with for about 15 years, they have DC, he’s a known shagger and tried it on with me when he heard I was single many years after we’d split up. He’s grim. And she did know what he was like and seems to accept it. I never hated her, never saw the point.

i can only speak from my perspective. I think for me, I struggle with women who do this because - I know how painful being rejected and betrayed by a man is (happened to me many years ago) and I think...as a woman I think you understand other women and would realise how deeply painful and absolutely confidence shattering that would be..and yet to still do it.... to a woman who has never done anything to you. I just riles me sense of justice.

I tend to think that men think we'll be ok../get over it etc. but a woman understands the pain she is inflicting. That's not to mention if children are involved too. It seems the epitome of selfishness and the worst of human nature.

Thats why as a the wife of a man who was married before I'm always very quick to explain he was divorced long before he met me. I'd hate anyone to think I was someone that would think that was ok.

I think it’s a coping mechanism.

I know one woman whose ‘D’H regularly cheated on her and even had a baby and second second family behind her backs - it was always the women’s fault even though there were several of them, most thought he was single and he was the one going on dating sites to find them.

Years later she somehow just woke up and kicked him out and admitted that she’d buried her head in the sand and didn’t want to believe it, so it was easier blaming everyone else.
She now knows it was him that was the problem.