In my case, I was the OW who believed a manipulating, lying predator. And I believe he fed her lies too, and created himself the victim in a masterful way to have us both thinking the poor man was victimized by the other woman in the scenario.
he was absolutely sick, and I had no idea. I was his congregant and trusted him. he preyed on me as methodically and consistently as any wild animal stalking a deer.
He had me believing he was a prisoner in his own home.
they finally did separate, although I had nothing to do with him by that point. That poor woman … looking back, we were both thoroughly manipulated, and I cannot image how she’d face what he was. It probably was far better to blame me.
but I had a talk with her once, and she said he did this before. She asked me to ignore him, to “scorn him” and unfortunately for her, those words fed into his lies that she was abusive.
but to answer your question: sometimes I think it is psychologically kinder , more gentle to someone’s heart, than facing what a complete monster the person is who made vows to them and broke them.
it would also be easier to believe that the OW had pursued and wore him down, rather than that he had, over the course of a long time, pursued someone in spite of his vows.
disgusting.
yes, as a pp said, my self esteem was broken at the time. I was SO vulnerable and unwell. I wanted safety, not some ego boost - I was scared and alone. My trusted spiritual leader represented safety to me. Utterly disgusting!