Pregnant by (unknown married) partner-handhold

[Desertislanddreamer]

So I met this guy through work, known of him for over 5 years but started seeing him a year ago. We both decided to keep it private due to where we work, but a few friends/family know of us. It was going so well, he was such a lovely guy and I fell for him pretty fast. He was separated from his wife and living with his parents sharing custody of his son until he could find a place of his own, not ideal but they are a lovely family and due to circumstances with his disabled son it helped with the caring aspect and juggling a very demanding job. Just before Christmas I found out I was pregnant. He was shocked but very supportive to begin with, promising everything under the sun and wanting to have the baby and be a family. I decided to have a private scan to find out how far I was and got the shock of my life when two little blobs appeared on the screen…yes twins! it unfortunately all went downhill from there.
I didn’t hear from him that night, or the next day or a week later. When I messaged or tried to call him all I got was, ‘I’m busy’
turns out he is still married to his wife and they are all living with his parents (his family have a pretty huge house). I then get a letter from them both stating that they have decided to stay together as a family and once I give birth he will of course be financially responsible for the children but that will be the extent of his involvement.
Im absolutely devastated, having to see him in work (which he has absolutely ignored me, it’s like I no longer exist)
I don’t know how to move on. I don’t know how to get over this.

How far pregnant are you? Early enough to have options that don't leave you tied to this creep for life?

What an arsehole. Sorry you're going through that, hope you have support elsewhere

What a shit situation. So sorry

What a dick.

Can you manage on your own? If so, get CMS on the case after birth, return to work long enough so you don't have to pay mat pay back, and then find a different job. I would also have no secrets about who the father is at work!

Don't put him on the birth cert, or give them his name.

If you want this, you can survive this. If you don't want it, then you have options. If I had a termination in these circumstances, I would go off sick for my notice, with pregnancy related illness, and find a new job.

How far along are you?

You have options that are far better than remaining pregnant and lumbering your child with such a shit excuse of a father

So sorry op, I don’t know what to say but virtual hug 😭

I still have time. I know that not continuing with the pregnancy is in my best interests but the thought makes me feel sick. I’m angry at the fact I’m having to make this decision while all is forgiven at his end and his wife is now posting photos of them on date nights and calling him My Love all over her social media.
Id like to post what I do for a living but I’m afraid it will be too outing, unfortunately I can’t look for something else. I’m stuck in that regards.

Ignore the wife. Nothing is rosy there. She's likely over compensating online for what is likely a horrific time for her.

Block him, make a decision and move on with your life.

I agree with this

No advise….. just wanted to say I hope you’re ok and he sounds like a complete arsehole … tbh not sure if calling him an arsehole is strong enough!

You poor thing. I’m sorry this has happened. What a bastard he is and what a mug his wife is. You and your children are the victims here.
please do what’s right for you. If that involves continuing with the pregnancy then I’m sure you will be an amazing mother. Sure it will be tough but you’ll get there we all do❤️
if it involves terminating then you can hopefully move on quickly from that waste of space! Whatever you do make sure it’s the right decision for you ❤️

Another one saying ignore what the wife is saying- I'm sure she hates him just as much as you do. I know it's tough but you need to get an abortion, having these kids is a hiding to misery for you and potentially them. I'm so sorry this has happened.

Thank you all so much, I’ve never felt anymore alone than I have recently and your messages help more than you can imagine. I know what I need to do, it’s the aftermath I’m worried about as well. Seeing him most days. Still having feelings for someone who treated you like shit. I go between feelings sad and tearful to being angry and wanting to hurt him.

I know this is an odd way to look at it op, but my first thought was, ah so she's free of a cheating liar who will still contribute financially. My main negative thoughts are that the children will want to know their father as they get older, in whcih case I would vaguely facilitate a connection with him, despite him saying he doesnt want one so that they know youve tried, for example, send a birthday photo. First school day photo etc.
The children are a gift. The circumstances are tough but not as tough as some, for example couples who have married, had children and then he's turned out to be awful, lying, lazy, violent the many iterations of terrible. Why would that be better? You've been spared that journey. You never know what's round the corner, but at least you're not wasting any more time on him!

Do you think she really does know that you are pregnant?

I really feel for you how awful for him to do this. Have you got support from family and friends?

Yeah I’m sure she does know as at the end of the letter he sent it says,
I appreciate this will be hard to read, but I would ask you to respect my decision. If you would like to discuss any of this in a phone call we can arrange to do that, but only on the understanding that firstly, I will not change my decision, and secondly, X (my wife) will be present during any discussion that takes place.

What a bastard.

Honestly, having a baby alone with no support is awful.
Having twins with support is incredibly exhausting, never mind in your situation.
As someone who had kids to a selfish c*nt who doesn't care about his kids or me as their mother , I can tell you its a very lonely and difficult struggle.

OP. That is absolutely horrendous. I am so sorry that you’re experiencing this. These people are all types of crazy to be doing this to you. It’s so fucked up.

If it were me I couldn’t be tied to them for the rest of my life. If they’re capable of this, imagine what they will do to your children.

Whether you can face having an abortion is a very personal choice. I have had abortions when I was younger but would struggle to do so now I have children and am in a committed relationship. I appreciate both sides. One thing I can say is having a child is the hardest thing I have ever done and I don’t understand how people do it on their own - massive respect for single parents. Being a mother has driven me to the edge. Physically and mentally. If I didn’t have a willing partner their to share the load I don’t think I could have done it. They aren’t just going to be absent or indifferent, they’ll be hostile. What they have done is insane. They are going to make your life hell. If you want to go ahead with the pregnancy, run. Run as far away from them as you can and do it on your own.

So sorry OP. What a shit. If I were in your position I think I would strongly consider an abortion. All the best with whatever you decide.

How old are you OP? Do you want children?

What a horrible, horrible situation he has left you in, what a shit. There are no easy options, just two very hard ones. Get some counselling asap to try to help you whatever you choose. Do what is right for you, that's all you can do.

The wife is miserable don’t let any of her posts fool you. And better you find out he is an arsehole now than 5 years down the track.

If you really want to continue the pregnancy of course do. But for most people it would be better not to. I am sorry you are in this situation - hold onto the fact that it will pass and your life will get back on track.

So sorry you are in this situation, I don't think I could be tied to this man and his ex forever, also the financial hardship of raising two babies on your own. I know it's difficult when you feel maternal but, in your situation I'd get out of it, find a new career and move on.

Do you want to be a mum at this time?

I wouldn't keep it quiet at work any more. You're no longer in a relationship, so his wish for anonymity doesn't matter.