Pregnant by (unknown married) partner-handhold

[Desertislanddreamer]

So I met this guy through work, known of him for over 5 years but started seeing him a year ago. We both decided to keep it private due to where we work, but a few friends/family know of us. It was going so well, he was such a lovely guy and I fell for him pretty fast. He was separated from his wife and living with his parents sharing custody of his son until he could find a place of his own, not ideal but they are a lovely family and due to circumstances with his disabled son it helped with the caring aspect and juggling a very demanding job. Just before Christmas I found out I was pregnant. He was shocked but very supportive to begin with, promising everything under the sun and wanting to have the baby and be a family. I decided to have a private scan to find out how far I was and got the shock of my life when two little blobs appeared on the screen…yes twins! it unfortunately all went downhill from there.
I didn’t hear from him that night, or the next day or a week later. When I messaged or tried to call him all I got was, ‘I’m busy’
turns out he is still married to his wife and they are all living with his parents (his family have a pretty huge house). I then get a letter from them both stating that they have decided to stay together as a family and once I give birth he will of course be financially responsible for the children but that will be the extent of his involvement.
Im absolutely devastated, having to see him in work (which he has absolutely ignored me, it’s like I no longer exist)
I don’t know how to move on. I don’t know how to get over this.

[BackAgainstWall]

You’re title is wrong- you did know he was still legally married.

Sadly this really is a tale as old as time.

Always stay away from separated/married men, because in these circumstances, it’s rarely over until it’s official.

Having said all of that, it’s a very special gift to be having twins.

Good luck 💐

[Coolheadedbird]

I won’t be apologising as I have nothing to be sorry for. The only person that owes her one is him. I also won’t be involved in any blended family drama.

How about ‘I’m sorry this happened to us both’ ‘He’s played both of us’ It could go a long way, in building a good relationship with that side of your children’s family. I mean the lady is innocent and a victim in this as much as you, though as I seem to remember it was you looking up her Insta and not the other way around.

Now you’re mad when people mention blended families but isn’t that what you really wanted?

If the guy was indeed divorced and you got on to have this new family, his disabled child would have been visiting you every fortnight or perhaps weekly, depending on the severity of that disability, to give his wife some respite and ease his guilt. Wasn’t that the dream?

I know you can not see it now but being amicable can only bring benefits to you and your children and they have a right to knowing their siblings, and that includes your affair partner’s son as much as it includes your daughter.

[KettrickenSmiled]

@Coolheadedbird

Give it a fucking rest you pompous bore.

How about 2 grown women who want nothing to do with each other being allowed to do just that without randoms mithering on & pointless on about a fantasy blended family that neither of them are interested in?

[Coolheadedbird]

Nope @KettrickenSmiled

When you go for someone with kids that’s a blended family. And when you create more kids that’s a bigger blended family. This was a guy that was never going to be exclusively hers. Just like the husband is never going to be exclusively the wife’s.

It’s what happens when you have kids and it’s up to adults to be grown up about it and seek the best possible outcomes for their children.

[Eyerollcentral]

@Coolheadedbird

I won’t be apologising as I have nothing to be sorry for. The only person that owes her one is him. I also won’t be involved in any blended family drama.

How about ‘I’m sorry this happened to us both’ ‘He’s played both of us’ It could go a long way, in building a good relationship with that side of your children’s family. I mean the lady is innocent and a victim in this as much as you, though as I seem to remember it was you looking up her Insta and not the other way around.

Now you’re mad when people mention blended families but isn’t that what you really wanted?

If the guy was indeed divorced and you got on to have this new family, his disabled child would have been visiting you every fortnight or perhaps weekly, depending on the severity of that disability, to give his wife some respite and ease his guilt. Wasn’t that the dream?

I know you can not see it now but being amicable can only bring benefits to you and your children and they have a right to knowing their siblings, and that includes your affair partner’s son as much as it includes your daughter.

How about do one? Why do you think the OP should apologise, she hasn’t done anything wrong? Why do you think a woman should apologise to another woman saying we both got played when the one at fault was the man who lied?

[Mayla]

OP, I am a mother of 13 year old twins. Their dad and I lived apart from the time they were 5 months old and they see him 2-3 times a year, (he lives in Europe, I am in N. America). We were officially married at the time (not anymore) so financially, I was ok. But for all other intents and purposes, I was a single mom. It was hardest when the twins were little—most days, I felt like I was failing at everything and I'd never get a break. I was new to the country and trying to find a job and settle in plus I had 2 going through their terrible twos. When the girls were 5, I got pregnant again when their dad had come to visit. I seriously considered abortion but didn't do it. I was 37 at the time. My son is now 7. We managed to pull through. I did have support in that my parents lived with me for a while to help.
It will be very tough, and some days you will want to run for the hills. I would seriously think it through—maybe list all the pros and cons of going through with an abortion and even put weights to each item (e.g. when I considered an abortion, I knew it would haunt me forever so I put a weight of 10 as a con). Put everything down on paper so that you can consider the decision in a global way. I know it sounds cold but maybe given the emotional turmoil you are in, a cold hard logical decision might help.
Virtual hugs to you, OP 💜

[jocktamsonsbairn]

@Desertislanddreamer

I have decided to continue the pregnancy. My maternal instinct is strong and I feel love and attachment to them already. Plus I know this will most likely be my last chance to have another child.
I’m not naive and nothing will prepare me for how difficult this journey will be on my own but I am in a very fortunate position financially and I have a huge amount of support.

Glad to hear you have made the best decision for you!! They will exhaust you and drive you bonkers but you'll get double the love and they will be little bursts of love and fun for you and your dd! Good luck with the journey ahead, continue holding your head high and enjoy your adventure!

[slippingdowntheabyss]

Put everything down on paper so that you can consider the decision in a global way. I know it sounds cold but maybe given the emotional turmoil you are in, a cold hard logical decision might help.

Please read the thread. She's going to be a mum to twins.

What does a Global way mean?

I am a grandmother to twins, and they are dearly loved and are so different in ways and look out for each other. But like all children, there are good times and difficult times. I wish you well on your new journey with your babies.

[Mayla]

@slippingdowntheabyss

Put everything down on paper so that you can consider the decision in a global way. I know it sounds cold but maybe given the emotional turmoil you are in, a cold hard logical decision might help.

Please read the thread. She's going to be a mum to twins.

What does a Global way mean?

I am a grandmother to twins, and they are dearly loved and are so different in ways and look out for each other. But like all children, there are good times and difficult times. I wish you well on your new journey with your babies.

I know it sounds awful but taking a look at the whole picture can help to make a decision. I myself knew I would never go through with an abortion and like you say, with all children come good and bad times and I am so glad that I took the decision I did.
But it's not for everyone and each person's journey is different.

I didn't realize when I posted by initial message that you have decided to keep your lovely babies, OP. I am so happy for you! Hang in there!!

[kateandme]

I'm kind of glad you decided to op.congratulations luv. You Jo ahat I'm sobhappy for you.and this little one. Because it's one lucky thing.you are one capable tigeress.
I ew it was an act.when you said he was feeling bad I think nah he's just passing himself over what you going to do,how.much troubles lay ahead for him.as soon as you spoke that was his relief.bacl to normal km the cocky fucker.
What a sack if shit.
But he's just a sperms.a litteral little sperm. Your the mum,the babies 👶 going to be just fine with you on it's side.
Have you told your daughter?
What has his dad said.he new about the affair!?
You no him now.whne he's being who he is in the office,swallow the bile and smile smugly because you no he's a pitiful man.pity him.pity the macho,bravado. Pity the letter writing wimp.
Go show him what a real parent can do for her child.you rising hun.hes falling.
Your going to be great.
We are all here too anytime.

[TicketBoo23]

He is also wearing a wedding ring. I have to say that stung too 😣

The one he took off when he wanted to play separated & single (even though apparently he wasn't) .... Wonder did he leave it on with the last woman or take it off around her too.

Yeah, it has a lot of meaning, that ring. A symbol of such sincerity and loyalty.

[dogmandu]

@KettrickenSmiled

@Coolheadedbird

Give it a fucking rest you pompous bore.

How about 2 grown women who want nothing to do with each other being allowed to do just that without randoms mithering on & pointless on about a fantasy blended family that neither of them are interested in?

@KettrickenSmiled

Give it a fucking rest you pompous bore.

What on earth's wrong with you? Some people have different views than you. It's the result of their life experiences. It does not make them bores or stupid.
Can you understand the concept that different people have different life experiences and therefor form different opinions?
You need to stop this constant nastiness when you don't like what somebody else is saying. You do it a lot. It's unpleasant.

[KettrickenSmiled]

@dogmandu

@KettrickenSmiled

Give it a fucking rest you pompous bore.

What on earth's wrong with you? Some people have different views than you. It's the result of their life experiences. It does not make them bores or stupid.
Can you understand the concept that different people have different life experiences and therefor form different opinions?
You need to stop this constant nastiness when you don't like what somebody else is saying. You do it a lot. It's unpleasant.

You need to stop this constant nastiness when you don't like what somebody else is saying. You do it a lot. It's unpleasant
I don't NEED to.
You WANT me to.

HTH

Some people have different views than you
Er ... yeah?
Those people in this instance being you, & the sister-wife obsessed PP who is persistently urging OP to act against her own wishes & best interests.

It's confusing, because you seem to be saying it's fine for PP to express different views ... just not the PP's whose different views are different from YOURS?

Maybe you need to stop the constant nastiness of hounding (pun intended) PP you disagree with & railing at them with lectures about how they ought to post. Not sure if you do it a lot, but I've seen a number of instances, & it's unpleasant.
I won't tell you that you NEED to do that though. It's a free speech forum, you're welcome.

[AngelDelightUK]

Massive congratulations on deciding to keep the twins. Hope you stay strong and keep ignoring him!

[dogmandu]

@KettrickenSmiled

I'm not going to answer most of your post but thought the 'hounding' pun quite funny.

[Desertislanddreamer]

@Coolheadedbird

I won’t be apologising as I have nothing to be sorry for. The only person that owes her one is him. I also won’t be involved in any blended family drama.

How about ‘I’m sorry this happened to us both’ ‘He’s played both of us’ It could go a long way, in building a good relationship with that side of your children’s family. I mean the lady is innocent and a victim in this as much as you, though as I seem to remember it was you looking up her Insta and not the other way around.

Now you’re mad when people mention blended families but isn’t that what you really wanted?

If the guy was indeed divorced and you got on to have this new family, his disabled child would have been visiting you every fortnight or perhaps weekly, depending on the severity of that disability, to give his wife some respite and ease his guilt. Wasn’t that the dream?

I know you can not see it now but being amicable can only bring benefits to you and your children and they have a right to knowing their siblings, and that includes your affair partner’s son as much as it includes your daughter.

How about no. None of that needs said and I very much doubt she wants to hear from me. If she wanted to talk she knows how to get in touch and if that ever happens I’ll be polite and honest as I always am but they’ll be no apology on my end.
Im not mad at all when blended families are mentioned, I am just stating that the babies and myself will not be involved in that set up and I can pretty much guarantee his wife would agree on that point.
The dream? There was no dream?! You honestly seem to think you know more about this situation than I do 😂

[Desertislanddreamer]

@TicketBoo23

He is also wearing a wedding ring. I have to say that stung too 😣

The one he took off when he wanted to play separated & single (even though apparently he wasn't) .... Wonder did he leave it on with the last woman or take it off around her too.

Yeah, it has a lot of meaning, that ring. A symbol of such sincerity and loyalty.

Okay it shouldn’t have but that me chuckle. Thanks @TicketBoo23 I’ll be thinking that when I see him wearing it next

[Desertislanddreamer]

@kateandme

I'm kind of glad you decided to op.congratulations luv. You Jo ahat I'm sobhappy for you.and this little one. Because it's one lucky thing.you are one capable tigeress.
I ew it was an act.when you said he was feeling bad I think nah he's just passing himself over what you going to do,how.much troubles lay ahead for him.as soon as you spoke that was his relief.bacl to normal km the cocky fucker.
What a sack if shit.
But he's just a sperms.a litteral little sperm. Your the mum,the babies 👶 going to be just fine with you on it's side.
Have you told your daughter?
What has his dad said.he new about the affair!?
You no him now.whne he's being who he is in the office,swallow the bile and smile smugly because you no he's a pitiful man.pity him.pity the macho,bravado. Pity the letter writing wimp.
Go show him what a real parent can do for her child.you rising hun.hes falling.
Your going to be great.
We are all here too anytime.

No I haven’t told my daughter yet but I have an NHS scan on Tuesday so I’m going to tell her then 😁 funny enough I haven’t seen his dad in court since it all came to light, but I do know that he’s involved in another serious legal matter in another court so I take it that’s the reason why. His dad hasn’t reached out anyway.
Thank you for the support, means a lot

[sunflowerandivy]

Are you going to tell colleagues that the twins are his?

[Desertislanddreamer]

@sunflowerandivy if they mention the father then yes I will

[InsomniacVampire]

I wonder if @Coolheadedbird can actually read and understand what she is reading. The wife had no interest in contact and both her and her husbands were soulless and unkind to the OP, why would she be apologising to her for anything at all.
I think you are projecting hard what you would do in a situation, but this is not what OP wanted (neither did the wife by the looks of it).
Blended families sometimes don't work and lead to many animosities, and it's fine not to want to be in this setup.

[SpaceshiptoMars]

Congratulations @Desertislanddreamer ! All the best for the future 👣

@Coolheadedbird Why oh why oh why do you imagine the wife will want even a glimpse of bouncing healthy twins, when her one and only needs round the clock care? Are you into sadism?

[kateandme]

@Desertislanddreamer

No I haven’t told my daughter yet but I have an NHS scan on Tuesday so I’m going to tell her then 😁 funny enough I haven’t seen his dad in court since it all came to light, but I do know that he’s involved in another serious legal matter in another court so I take it that’s the reason why. His dad hasn’t reached out anyway.
Thank you for the support, means a lot

aww. this is going to be big! did she no about the relationship. look out for lots of mixed emotions. as im sure you will. think how many you went through at the start. happy,sad,confused,wondering, mixed. but speaking as an adult big sis if my mum told me this id eventually be overjoyed and incredibly protective at once. but depending on what she new it might take a bit of time to work through all those emotions.
good luck on the scan. wow.exciting. those two little beans!!
just take him out of it now. get excited and just take this as your pregnancy. he doesnt get to mince in any of his feelings on this now.
as you said this might/probably be the last time your a mother so embrace all of this. its absolutely amazing. and a privilege in so many ways to have those little two on the way. unexpected but still bloody great.

[templesit]

Congratulations op on your 2 babies!
So glad you're keeping them you will be an amazing mummy!

[DoubleTroubleMomma]

As a new mom of multiples my advice to you is to establish a strong support system now, wherever you can. Like right now... You know that old saying "It takes a village to raise a child?" Well, being a single mom to multiples is going to require a whole town. 😭 If you truly want to go through with this pregnancy then it is your choice to make. But be prepared for the unforgiving reality of being responsible for two infants simultaneously. Also, I implore you to find as many PPD resources you possibly can. You're most likely gonna need it in the near future if you decide to move forward with the pregnancy. Good luck to you OP. I wish you all the very best.