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Original poster

Pregnant by (unknown married) partner-handhold

623 replies

Desertislanddreamer · 20/01/2023 18:44

So I met this guy through work, known of him for over 5 years but started seeing him a year ago. We both decided to keep it private due to where we work, but a few friends/family know of us. It was going so well, he was such a lovely guy and I fell for him pretty fast. He was separated from his wife and living with his parents sharing custody of his son until he could find a place of his own, not ideal but they are a lovely family and due to circumstances with his disabled son it helped with the caring aspect and juggling a very demanding job. Just before Christmas I found out I was pregnant. He was shocked but very supportive to begin with, promising everything under the sun and wanting to have the baby and be a family. I decided to have a private scan to find out how far I was and got the shock of my life when two little blobs appeared on the screen…yes twins! it unfortunately all went downhill from there.
I didn’t hear from him that night, or the next day or a week later. When I messaged or tried to call him all I got was, ‘I’m busy’
turns out he is still married to his wife and they are all living with his parents (his family have a pretty huge house). I then get a letter from them both stating that they have decided to stay together as a family and once I give birth he will of course be financially responsible for the children but that will be the extent of his involvement.
Im absolutely devastated, having to see him in work (which he has absolutely ignored me, it’s like I no longer exist)
I don’t know how to move on. I don’t know how to get over this.

OP posts:
YourWinter · 20/01/2023 20:28

What an awful man. You’re well rid of him.

You have a huge decision to make. I know that in your circumstances, and at 39, I would opt to terminate.

Good luck OP.

sunflowerandivy · 20/01/2023 20:31

Does he know you're having twins? I think looking after twins alone would be an incredibly difficult thing to do. I can't imagine how hard it would be. Do you want to keep the twins?

Neodymium · 20/01/2023 20:31

Op that’s more than likely her intention, she would know you can see her stories and she’s gloating.

he’s prob told her it was a once off fling. I’d be careful, I think she is dangerous. If they only have 1 child and it was born early she may be unable to have more. She might try to get him to get custody of the twins. I’ve heard of a story like that before.

i wouldn’t keep anything quiet at work. When you start showing and people ask, tell them. Xxx is the father, but he’s decided not to be involved. No need to protect that scum.

sunflowerandivy · 20/01/2023 20:32

To be honest, I'd take the meeting with him and his wife. Tell her your side and make it painfully difficult for him

ShakespearesBlister · 20/01/2023 20:34

I would not be able to let him get away with this. I certainly wouldn't be his dirty little secret. I'd take him for every penny I could get.

Nocutenamesleft · 20/01/2023 20:34

Desertislanddreamer · 20/01/2023 20:11

@BadNomad his son was prematurely born at 21/22 weeks and suffers a whole range of challenges due to that. He said there was no reason why he was born so early. The doctors just said it was just spontaneous early labour.

Err. There’s only ever been 1 child who survived at 21 weeks and they’re in America

he’s spouting shit.

ToastofLandon · 20/01/2023 20:34

sunflowerandivy · 20/01/2023 20:32

To be honest, I'd take the meeting with him and his wife. Tell her your side and make it painfully difficult for him

THIS ☝️so sorry this has happened to you OP. Sending you the biggest hug, you will get through this, whatever you decide.

SunflowerTed · 20/01/2023 20:36

At least he is doing right by his disabled son.

Original poster
Desertislanddreamer · 20/01/2023 20:37

Yes he knows it’s twins, the day of the scan is the last time he spoke to me apart from the letter.
I agree his wife doesn’t deserve any hate, she is as much a victim of his bullshit as I am, however she does come across as very smug and is painting this happy family picture that is getting my back up.

OP posts:
Moonhouse · 20/01/2023 20:37

As BadNomad says the wife doesn’t deserve any hate! The poor woman has likely listened to her dh spurt out lie after lie. She will be blindsided, traumatised and possibly suicidal, PISD is terrible. Her whole world has had a bomb thrown into it. He’s the dickhead not her. It’s odd she wasn’t on any of his social media at all. Did you never visit him at his parents house?

Also she may be playing a blinder here, promise him the earth, destroy his relationship with you, seek legal advice in her own time, then dump him when she is in control. (Not living with his family for example). It may be she has nothing to lose now. So there is a chance he will come snivelling and grovelling at a later date.

Do your colleagues know yet? I hope you are okay op I’m sorry you are in this situation. Whatever choice you make is okay, so just do what you feel is right for you.

RabbitDeadUnsoldHutch · 20/01/2023 20:38

SunflowerTed · 20/01/2023 20:36

At least he is doing right by his disabled son.

Other than treating his mum like shit by cheating and getting someone else pregnant.

Neodymium · 20/01/2023 20:38

Nocutenamesleft · 20/01/2023 20:34

Err. There’s only ever been 1 child who survived at 21 weeks and they’re in America

he’s spouting shit.

Show quote history

That’s what I thought too. I think at 21 weeks they don’t even attempt to save them. Have to be 24 I thought.

Pinkkite · 20/01/2023 20:40

OMG what a bastard. I do think you are well rid.

Neither option with the pregnancy is the easy route. You need to weigh it all up and make the best decision you can and then don’t second guess it in the future. Whatever you do, you’ll do your best, in what are excruciatingly hard circumstances.

If he can do that to his wife, chances are he’d have done the same to you at some point. He’s a liar, a cheat and a heartless bastard. His wife is just trying to overcompensate for what must be an humiliating and heartbreaking situation. She will always know that not only did he cheat on her, but he was willing to do this to you. She won’t forget that. They probably won’t last. She’s nearly lost him so is putting more effort in but it’s a plaster for a gaping wound. There is no genuine love in that marriage.

I like the idea of talking to him with his wife there. You can make sure she knows everything then, but that would just be for revenge so probably not sensible.

good luck. You deserve better than this. 💐

Mannymoomin · 20/01/2023 20:40

Nocutenamesleft · 20/01/2023 20:34

Err. There’s only ever been 1 child who survived at 21 weeks and they’re in America

he’s spouting shit.

Show quote history

Completely derailing now, but you are wrong. Babies can and do survive being born at this gestation. A friends baby born weighing 300grams is now an 18 year old

louiselouiselouise · 20/01/2023 20:41

39
My age too
Different circumstances I know but I'd be screaming in delight. I literally pray to God every night for something like this to happen to me. I am an asexual woman who definitely wants to be a mom and own my home. No long term relationship with the f*er and maintenance. Where do I sign?
Please don't be sad, although you may feel this. I've just never understood the passion and lust that comes in relationships myself. Whatever you decide, don't look back - but it is not a life sentence either way. He has done his grieving and isn't looking backwards.

Nocutenamesleft · 20/01/2023 20:42

Mannymoomin · 20/01/2023 20:40

Completely derailing now, but you are wrong. Babies can and do survive being born at this gestation. A friends baby born weighing 300grams is now an 18 year old

Show quote history

Incorrect

Nocutenamesleft · 20/01/2023 20:42

Mannymoomin · 20/01/2023 20:40

Completely derailing now, but you are wrong. Babies can and do survive being born at this gestation. A friends baby born weighing 300grams is now an 18 year old

Show quote history

And ESPECIALLY 18 years ago!!!! They didn’t have the technology. Not born at 21 weeks gestation. The youngest child to ever survive was last year at 21 weeks and 1 day.

whumpthereitis · 20/01/2023 20:43

I would concentrate on yourself and your daughter. Do not remain tied to him in any capacity.

he would try and avoid child support, and he may very well keep to his word about having nothing to do with them whilst they have to sit back and watch the father who has rejected them provide his other children with an affluent lifestyle.

Moonhouse · 20/01/2023 20:44

In your situation I would say yes I would like all three of us to meet up. I would take a friend and act very calm and collected. No rage, nothing that could label you as ‘crazy’. I would thank the wife for attending and say you know how hard it must be for her and explain you honestly thought he was single.

I would print out any evidence of the relationship and have in your bag just in case.

I am sure others could offer advice on what to say if you do meet up.

Itsrudemeghan · 20/01/2023 20:48

OP you need to think about what if they decide to become involved. Can you imagine sending your children to their house for contact? Trusting your children with his man and his wife?

Starlightstarbright1 · 20/01/2023 20:49

Op.. Decide what you want to do. Do you want to raise twins on your own..

At your age. I would very much consider do you want more children.

Glad you have blocked her. She is trying to convince herself as much as well as anyone else..

He is irrelevant. Do what is best for you xx

louiselouiselouise · 20/01/2023 20:50

I just reread your post and see you have a teenage DD and don't want to parent again. That is different. Sometimes though it is all perspective - one person's hell can be another's heaven. There is something of a silver lining - I am taking it the sex was not distressing to you. Many asexual people (not all, but many) have to cough up £6k for sperm donor or DTD with someone they have no attraction to, which is absolute hell, to TTC.
Anyway, either way, the door is open, please don't punish yourself anymore over this CF, no matter whether it produces twins or not

honeylou42 · 20/01/2023 20:50

I know it's a horrible situation to be in, but I brought up baby twins alone 28 years ago and wouldn't change it for the world. Yes it will be tough a lot of the time,but the love and rewards definitely outweigh the tough times ❤️💐

CharlieBoo · 20/01/2023 20:50

I’m so sorry that this has happened. Take your time to really think this through. Do you have any practical help (mum/sister/friends) to help if you continue with the pregnancy?

He’s an arsehole, and she’s a mug.. block and have no further contact until you need to.

Fwiw I’d also let everyone know he’s the father if I was asked.

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