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Original poster

Pregnant by (unknown married) partner-handhold

623 replies

Desertislanddreamer · 20/01/2023 18:44

So I met this guy through work, known of him for over 5 years but started seeing him a year ago. We both decided to keep it private due to where we work, but a few friends/family know of us. It was going so well, he was such a lovely guy and I fell for him pretty fast. He was separated from his wife and living with his parents sharing custody of his son until he could find a place of his own, not ideal but they are a lovely family and due to circumstances with his disabled son it helped with the caring aspect and juggling a very demanding job. Just before Christmas I found out I was pregnant. He was shocked but very supportive to begin with, promising everything under the sun and wanting to have the baby and be a family. I decided to have a private scan to find out how far I was and got the shock of my life when two little blobs appeared on the screen…yes twins! it unfortunately all went downhill from there.
I didn’t hear from him that night, or the next day or a week later. When I messaged or tried to call him all I got was, ‘I’m busy’
turns out he is still married to his wife and they are all living with his parents (his family have a pretty huge house). I then get a letter from them both stating that they have decided to stay together as a family and once I give birth he will of course be financially responsible for the children but that will be the extent of his involvement.
Im absolutely devastated, having to see him in work (which he has absolutely ignored me, it’s like I no longer exist)
I don’t know how to move on. I don’t know how to get over this.

OP posts:
jocktamsonsbairn · 20/01/2023 19:49

ReadtheReviews · 20/01/2023 19:30

I know this is an odd way to look at it op, but my first thought was, ah so she's free of a cheating liar who will still contribute financially. My main negative thoughts are that the children will want to know their father as they get older, in whcih case I would vaguely facilitate a connection with him, despite him saying he doesnt want one so that they know youve tried, for example, send a birthday photo. First school day photo etc.
The children are a gift. The circumstances are tough but not as tough as some, for example couples who have married, had children and then he's turned out to be awful, lying, lazy, violent the many iterations of terrible. Why would that be better? You've been spared that journey. You never know what's round the corner, but at least you're not wasting any more time on him!

I agree. It is tough but so rewarding and it is his loss. Big time. My XH hasn't seen my DC since they were small, as adults he is desperate to be in their lives but he has t supported them or been in their lives so they want nothing to do with him.
You decide what is right for you. You do not have to have the babies, you do not need to have an abortion and you do not need to have them and love them for adoption. Go with your gut feeling. If you have supportive friends and family you will get there regardless of whatever de idiom you make.

Be glad you aren't with him, feel sorry for his wife who is still lumbered with him. Take him for every penny you have for your kids and hold your head up high at work. Why should you leave? I wouldn't be keeping it a secret. Let everyone at work know what a shit person and dad he is. You have nothing to be ashamed of, he does.
Good luck with whatever YOU decide.

BunchHarman · 20/01/2023 19:53

That is appalling. Utterly. What a cunt. The pair of fools deserve each other.

If I were you, I’d have a termination. It would be dreadful, but ultimately it will free you from this horrific situation. A single mother to twins, connected forever to him and his family, sounds worse.

BunchHarman · 20/01/2023 19:56

The image of the twins going over to stay with them and their children in their affluent lifestyle just seems like it would be a truly awful situation for you.

Think carefully. I’m really sorry this has happened.

squidgybits · 20/01/2023 19:56

Breathe
Be kind to yourself
you will make the right decision for you X

Original poster
Desertislanddreamer · 20/01/2023 19:57

I’m 39 and I have a teenage DD from a previous relationship that we share custody of and co parent very well. I resigned myself to the fact I wasn’t going to have anymore children. I’ve been single for a long time and was happy it just being the two of us even though she has her own life now and it’s most just me at home. I do have a great support system in regards to family and friends but two at nearly 40 by myself?

OP posts:
singleandwingingit · 20/01/2023 20:00

Oh OP my heart is breaking for you. What an arse this man is!

I am a single Mum to twins. Different situation, my husband turned out to be an arse and left when they were 8 months old. This was 6 months ago . He has probably seen them 10 times since then so by all intents and purposes I'm doing this 100% alone.

I won't sugarcoat it. It is bloody hard. Twins are all I have so I can't compare but I do know that compared to my friends with one baby (and a partner) my life is hugely different and your options are far more limited with twins when you want to try and get out and about to socialise.

That said, it's a joy watching them grow and develop and so long as you take any support offered by family and friends, you'll get by. Establish a good routine for yourself and the babies and it makes a world of difference.

Sending you so much love x

doubledup · 20/01/2023 20:00

Couldn’t read and run, I’m so sorry this is happening to you OP what a slimy grade A scrote that man is. The wife’s posts are to convince herself all is well and it’s actually really embarrassing. I’ve got twins and they’re the actual joy of my life, it’s hard Graft but it’s a great club to be in, though I completely understand not wanting to be tied to that helmet forever more. Whatever you choose please look after yourself x

winterchills · 20/01/2023 20:00

No words. Horrible situation 🥺🥺

BadNomad · 20/01/2023 20:01

You mentioned he has a disabled son. Is his disability something hereditary? If so, that is something you might have to take into account when you're deciding what to do.

DifferenceEngines · 20/01/2023 20:05

Desertislanddreamer · 20/01/2023 19:34

Yeah I’m sure she does know as at the end of the letter he sent it says,
I appreciate this will be hard to read, but I would ask you to respect my decision. If you would like to discuss any of this in a phone call we can arrange to do that, but only on the understanding that firstly, I will not change my decision, and secondly, X (my wife) will be present during any discussion that takes place.

What a bastard.

Ha, his wife will be present because the poor woman has a husband that can't be trusted to be out of her sight.

IncessantNameChanger · 20/01/2023 20:05

What ever you decide to do, it will be the right choice. You sound very strong.

Mannymoomin · 20/01/2023 20:09

So sorry op, what an awful situation you’re in.
You’re hurting now because of what that arsehole has done to you, and those heightened feelings will have some impact on your choices, you really do need try and take a step back to recompose so you can think clearly.

Whatever you do, either way, it’s going to be hard, you’ll likely never get the chance to have more children but then having one already nearly grown up, it’s like starting all over again, but as a single mum to twins.

I had an abortion a few years ago after deciding my children were too grown up for me to start again, I massively regretted it and I’m now expecting again (planned), despite already having teenagers.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do, it’s not an easy decision and all those raging hormones plus the circumstances will make it even more difficult

DifferenceEngines · 20/01/2023 20:09

ReadtheReviews · 20/01/2023 19:30

I know this is an odd way to look at it op, but my first thought was, ah so she's free of a cheating liar who will still contribute financially. My main negative thoughts are that the children will want to know their father as they get older, in whcih case I would vaguely facilitate a connection with him, despite him saying he doesnt want one so that they know youve tried, for example, send a birthday photo. First school day photo etc.
The children are a gift. The circumstances are tough but not as tough as some, for example couples who have married, had children and then he's turned out to be awful, lying, lazy, violent the many iterations of terrible. Why would that be better? You've been spared that journey. You never know what's round the corner, but at least you're not wasting any more time on him!

I really will be surprised if the financial support comes through. Or if it does initially, there is a very high likelihood of it drying up very quickly Odds are, OP will end up fighting for every penny - if she is entitled to anything.

Original poster
Desertislanddreamer · 20/01/2023 20:11

@BadNomad his son was prematurely born at 21/22 weeks and suffers a whole range of challenges due to that. He said there was no reason why he was born so early. The doctors just said it was just spontaneous early labour.

OP posts:
Jomummy1013 · 20/01/2023 20:14

This is awful. I can't imagine how alone and shit you feel.
I've been inadvertently involved with a married man who promised me the world and of course didn't deliver and broke my heart.
What you have gone through is far far worse though and I can imagine you feel broken. What a cruel and unpleasant man. I'm so sorry. No words of advice unfortunately- I also work with my married man and am pregnant by him but I haven't got the added shit of Facebook as he's not on social media and nor am I.
I hope you find a way to make it through this xx

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 20/01/2023 20:14

So sorry OP. He is an absolute dick. Bringing 2 kids up on your own is hard. Do you have family support around you? I am a single parent. My child has SEN as well. Its been a long hard road. Its worth it but Ive had toscarifice a lot. Im sure youll choose wisely. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I can only send you virtual hugs and hope things get better for you. Its his loss. He will repeat this again and again and his wife will keep taking him back. They are a toxic couple

Justalittlebitduckling · 20/01/2023 20:17

I know this isn’t the main point of the thread
or your main issue, but in my experience couples who make a big deal of date nights on social media typically split up shortly
after.

Cucumberbund · 20/01/2023 20:18

Do you really believe he has told his wife the full story or was just chancing his arm about a discussion with her listening in because he knows that is something you are unlikely to do?
Is it his way of just getting off the hook?

Jomummy1013 · 20/01/2023 20:18

And his wife is an idiot, and making herself look foolish with the 'my love' posts. He will do it again and again. X

theycallmejane · 20/01/2023 20:20

Desertislanddreamer · 20/01/2023 20:11

@BadNomad his son was prematurely born at 21/22 weeks and suffers a whole range of challenges due to that. He said there was no reason why he was born so early. The doctors just said it was just spontaneous early labour.

It would be an odd thing to lie about, but this man has form for making up shit.

I would make your decision on the basis of whether you felt able to care for two SEN children in addition to your current teen.

I feel sorry for you, because you didn't ask to be in this shitty situation. I feel sorry for her, because she married him and he broke those vows in one of the worst ways possible. Saying he'll contribute financially and in no other capacity is an attempt to pretend you didn't happen, and pretend her relationship isn't as broken as it is. If any part of you thinks she's won, she hasn't.

This man is a complete tosser. He's done both of you wrong.

I wish you all the best in making your decision - it sounds incredibly hard either way. You deserve so much more than this.

MoveOnTheCards · 20/01/2023 20:22

I honestly sympathise OP. This is an awful situation for you. You really owe him nothing so do what is best for you (and your daughter).

Can people please stop laying into his wife though. She’s not the cheating scum bag who lied to OP and is likely doing what she thinks is best for her own family/son. Yes her social posts are probably a veneer but she’s most likely been blindsided too.

Cuppasoupmonster · 20/01/2023 20:22

Desertislanddreamer · 20/01/2023 19:07

I still have time. I know that not continuing with the pregnancy is in my best interests but the thought makes me feel sick. I’m angry at the fact I’m having to make this decision while all is forgiven at his end and his wife is now posting photos of them on date nights and calling him My Love all over her social media.
Id like to post what I do for a living but I’m afraid it will be too outing, unfortunately I can’t look for something else. I’m stuck in that regards.

Yet she wasn’t anywhere on his social media before? How does that add up?

BadNomad · 20/01/2023 20:24

I don't think his wife deserves any hate here. He's the one who lied and cheated on her. It will be hard knowing your husband got another woman pregnant while you were at (his parents') home caring for your disabled son. God knows what he's told her about it all. She doesn't have many options.

It's a shit situation, but at least you do have options and time to decide what to do.

AdamRyan · 20/01/2023 20:24

Desertislanddreamer · 20/01/2023 19:34

Yeah I’m sure she does know as at the end of the letter he sent it says,
I appreciate this will be hard to read, but I would ask you to respect my decision. If you would like to discuss any of this in a phone call we can arrange to do that, but only on the understanding that firstly, I will not change my decision, and secondly, X (my wife) will be present during any discussion that takes place.

What a bastard.

Maybe I'm vindictive but I'd take him up on this, be ice cold and make him squirm. In fact I'd suggest face to face meeting with both of them and a mediator as you want to keep the babies so you want to agree a fair financial settlement so you can do that.

You will be telling the babies his name and their story when they are old enough to ask about him so they need to be prepared for the babies trying to find him when they are old enough.

You won't be keeping it quiet at work.

Good luck OP Flowers

Original poster
Desertislanddreamer · 20/01/2023 20:27

@Cuppasoupmonster oh no he doesn’t have any social media and I only looked at her profile once when we first got together and there was nothing of him on there but since this has all come to light she has been posting story after story of them doing cosy couple dates etc. I had to block her as I driving myself crazy (and ashamed to admit) basically stalking her stories.

OP posts: