Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Pregnant by (unknown married) partner-handhold

623 replies

Desertislanddreamer · 20/01/2023 18:44

So I met this guy through work, known of him for over 5 years but started seeing him a year ago. We both decided to keep it private due to where we work, but a few friends/family know of us. It was going so well, he was such a lovely guy and I fell for him pretty fast. He was separated from his wife and living with his parents sharing custody of his son until he could find a place of his own, not ideal but they are a lovely family and due to circumstances with his disabled son it helped with the caring aspect and juggling a very demanding job. Just before Christmas I found out I was pregnant. He was shocked but very supportive to begin with, promising everything under the sun and wanting to have the baby and be a family. I decided to have a private scan to find out how far I was and got the shock of my life when two little blobs appeared on the screen…yes twins! it unfortunately all went downhill from there.
I didn’t hear from him that night, or the next day or a week later. When I messaged or tried to call him all I got was, ‘I’m busy’
turns out he is still married to his wife and they are all living with his parents (his family have a pretty huge house). I then get a letter from them both stating that they have decided to stay together as a family and once I give birth he will of course be financially responsible for the children but that will be the extent of his involvement.
Im absolutely devastated, having to see him in work (which he has absolutely ignored me, it’s like I no longer exist)
I don’t know how to move on. I don’t know how to get over this.

OP posts:
trieditbuyedit · 20/01/2023 21:48

MelloYellow · 20/01/2023 21:46

How can anyone dare to suggest she doesn’t .
it’s called an opinion.
ands It’s mine!

You didn't say "I would regret it all my life" you said "you will regret it all your life" which is sanctimonious clap trap and not needed when the Op is clearly in an awful situation not wanting any more guilt thrown at her by anti abortionists. Angry

rangagirl · 20/01/2023 21:48

@fairypeasant - I don't know all the laws where the OP lives, but if she doesn't put the father on the birth certificate, she may not be able to claim child support from him.

So if she chooses to go down THAT road, she will have to accept that she will be 100% financially responsible, and not be able to demand any assistance from him.

It also means he would never be able to file for custody or visitation... but it doesn't even sound like he wants it, so I don't know if that's a problem.

Just something to check with a lawyer about first, I think.

MelloYellow · 20/01/2023 21:48

trieditbuyedit · 20/01/2023 21:44

Ugh. Go away with this shite.

Show quote history

And it’s shite why?
because you say it is?

MelloYellow · 20/01/2023 21:50

trieditbuyedit · 20/01/2023 21:48

You didn't say "I would regret it all my life" you said "you will regret it all your life" which is sanctimonious clap trap and not needed when the Op is clearly in an awful situation not wanting any more guilt thrown at her by anti abortionists. Angry

Show quote history

I’m not an anti abortionist how fucking dare you call me one
the OP was pleased and I think that she would regret it
now fuck off with your presumptive bullshit!

MelloYellow · 20/01/2023 21:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MrWhippersnapper · 20/01/2023 21:52

Did you never go to his house ?

Nanny0gg · 20/01/2023 21:54

rangagirl · 20/01/2023 21:48

@fairypeasant - I don't know all the laws where the OP lives, but if she doesn't put the father on the birth certificate, she may not be able to claim child support from him.

So if she chooses to go down THAT road, she will have to accept that she will be 100% financially responsible, and not be able to demand any assistance from him.

It also means he would never be able to file for custody or visitation... but it doesn't even sound like he wants it, so I don't know if that's a problem.

Just something to check with a lawyer about first, I think.

She is a lawyer...

Original poster
Desertislanddreamer · 20/01/2023 21:57

@MrWhippersnapper I went once to his parents house cause he left his wallet there and no one was home, I was only there 10 mins max. He always just came to mine or we met after work/went away for weekends etc.

OP posts:
MrWhippersnapper · 20/01/2023 21:59

Did you not get suspicious ?

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 20/01/2023 22:00

I’d thank your lucky stars that you found out exactly who he is. He’s told you. Now believe him.

To be honest, probs going against the grain here, in your position I’d have the babies. You’re 39, it’s likely to be your last chance, and you don’t sound set on abortion by a long way. Two will be difficult but it’s also twice the reward. Give them your name, take him
for every penny you legally can, and keep a record of all his contact with you so that you can show your children in adult life if they try to blame you for their Dad being shit.

His poor wife too. I can understand the frustration of the social media stories etc but she’s as much a victim as you are. It’s sad that her son will be having no relationship with his siblings. So sad for everyone involved.

BunchHarman · 20/01/2023 22:01

@MelloYellow your posts are manipulative. You’re projecting directly onto the OP. By all means share how you would feel, but don’t presume to know how the OP would. And stop attacking posters for calling you out. You did appear anti-abortionist.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 20/01/2023 22:03

Also ignore those who are saying the 22 weeks is a lie - one of DH closest friends has a 16 year old who was born at 22+3. They said they wouldn’t have intervened had she not been born breathing but she was. It’s possible.

Original poster
Desertislanddreamer · 20/01/2023 22:03

Yes thanks @rangagirl I know where I stand in regards to his legal obligation. He is a solicitor as well so is also fully aware of his responsibilities if I proceed with the pregnancy.
I doubt he will make waves when it comes to maintenance, he will want to protect his reputation at all costs and having letters sent from CMS is not a route he’ll want to go down. I mean I say this now, but I clearly never knew him that well at all.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 20/01/2023 22:04

now fuck off with your presumptive bullshit!

Ah irony.

After you presumed to know how OP would feel.

ItsTrueLou · 20/01/2023 22:05

Take control of your life and do as you want. Personally I'd terminate and enjoy 20 years or more of being well paid you will need another partner and travel etc doing grown up things. Then adore grandchildren in good time. The older you get the harder it is and twins

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 20/01/2023 22:06

Hollywolly1 · 20/01/2023 21:46

You won't be alone though as you will have your w beautiful children and what a wonderful gift.
Do not let that selfish man or his poor wife be a deciding factor in your decision whether to keep your children or not.
This is your life and your children and you seem like a very good mother to be.
In all fairness you are in a much better position than his wife

The OP is already a mother to a teenager.

AcrossthePond55 · 20/01/2023 22:08

Frankly, in your place I'd terminate. Or I'd place the babies for adoption if I didn't believe in abortion. There's no shame in doing either, although obviously terminating would be the more 'private' option.

It would be a hard decision for me to make, but in the long run and if I were in your situation, I think the wisest one. I just don't think I'd want to be 'starting over' at 40, especially under less than 'stellar' circumstances. And I know you're probably on a good salary, but have you looked at the costs of daycare for twins added to the Uni costs for your DD in a few years? The costs of putting 2 more through Uni in 18 years, when you're possibly beginning to think about retirement? These are things that bear thinking about. And balancing them against your feelings about continuing the pregnancy.

As far as 'him', he needs to 'cease to exist' to you, too. Is there any possibility of transferring to another location or department within your firm so you don't have to see him?

Original poster
Desertislanddreamer · 20/01/2023 22:08

@MrWhippersnapper no not at all. He didn’t wear a ring, even in work. His parents or friends never said anything. I took the fact he wanted to stay at mine because his parents were home a lot as truth. He accompanied me to my family gatherings etc. There wasn’t anything to suggest anything different.

OP posts:
MrWhippersnapper · 20/01/2023 22:09

Accompanied you to your family gatherings but kept you away from his ? He’s played you like a fiddle

CandyRose · 20/01/2023 22:09

This is a lesson to us all not to enter into relationships with married men. When they say they’re “separated” or “getting a divorce”, this is rarely truthful. More often than not, they are lying or the relationship with their wife is in grey area status meaning, it’s complicated!!

I know you have a difficult decision to make but I’m sure you’ll make a decision that’s right for you. But with regards to the married guy, try to let him go. If you can change job/career, or get your boss to move you to another area, this will help you move on. If you decide to keep the babies and sometime in the future the married man wants to be involved, let him but try to keep it strictly about the kids.

Also if sometime in the future, he eventually divorces his wife, please don’t get back with him. He ghosted you, then when he reappeared he ignored you and your babies and has a history of cheating on his wife. He is a walking, talking, breathing RED FLAG 🚩.

BadNomad · 20/01/2023 22:10

It's shocking how his parents were complicit in his lies to you. Then they went home and said nothing to his wife. What a horrible, immoral family.

beezlebubnicky · 20/01/2023 22:11

I'm sorry, OP, it sounds like you are in such a tough situation.

However, as you're on your own and it's twins, I think you should terminate the pregnancy for your own future mental wellbeing.

You have a good job, and a lovely teenage DD by the sounds of it. Move on from this creep and don't let him disrupt your life further.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

Eatentoomanyroses · 20/01/2023 22:12

Oh op that’s awful. You don’t sound like you want an abortion. I wouldn’t either even in your circumstances. I would pay early and have NIPT done asap though. I wouldn’t go through with it if there’s any genetic issues. If you have good support and every reason to think they’re healthy I’d go for it. Sod him! It won’t be rosy in that garden. Not by a long stretch. He’s likely to come back to you at some point but you’d be a fool to take him

Honeyroar · 20/01/2023 22:13

I wouldn’t meet them. What’s the point? He and his family are nothing to you. They don’t have the perfect life/relationship they’re presenting. They’re not having wonderful dates - in reality they’re probably arguing all the time and trying to get over his disgusting behaviour. Her “love” is a cheating scumbag that lied to you both. She’s not won much of a prize, has she! Add a child that needs lots of care to the mix and you can pretty much guarantee their lives are far from wonderful. She wants to be there if he meets you because she (rightly) doesn’t trust him. And she might want to blame you for everything to feel better about not throwing his arse out.

No, you’ve got enough stuff of your own to mull over and decide on. Your immediate future is not going to be a bed of roses either. Two babies and then toddlers on your own will be hard work, as will working with him while pregnant. Try to put him out of your mind and really work out what your plan is.

Original poster
Desertislanddreamer · 20/01/2023 22:14

@AcrossthePond55 I know, all of those thoughts are running through my head. My DD is now in the stage of looking at universities further afield and I’m lucky enough to be able to support her financially throughout her studies and I’m worried I wouldn’t be able to do that on mat leave/reduced hours.
Thankfully he doesn’t work in the same firm, but we are both criminal solicitors so I see him almost daily at court. There is no way I could get out of that. It’s been awkward as hell in the agents room though!

OP posts: