Pregnant by (unknown married) partner-handhold

[Desertislanddreamer]

So I met this guy through work, known of him for over 5 years but started seeing him a year ago. We both decided to keep it private due to where we work, but a few friends/family know of us. It was going so well, he was such a lovely guy and I fell for him pretty fast. He was separated from his wife and living with his parents sharing custody of his son until he could find a place of his own, not ideal but they are a lovely family and due to circumstances with his disabled son it helped with the caring aspect and juggling a very demanding job. Just before Christmas I found out I was pregnant. He was shocked but very supportive to begin with, promising everything under the sun and wanting to have the baby and be a family. I decided to have a private scan to find out how far I was and got the shock of my life when two little blobs appeared on the screen…yes twins! it unfortunately all went downhill from there.
I didn’t hear from him that night, or the next day or a week later. When I messaged or tried to call him all I got was, ‘I’m busy’
turns out he is still married to his wife and they are all living with his parents (his family have a pretty huge house). I then get a letter from them both stating that they have decided to stay together as a family and once I give birth he will of course be financially responsible for the children but that will be the extent of his involvement.
Im absolutely devastated, having to see him in work (which he has absolutely ignored me, it’s like I no longer exist)
I don’t know how to move on. I don’t know how to get over this.

He is just as likely to get fed up again and repeat further down the line.

She might well know you are pregnant, but she may think it's the product of a one night stand.

You are well shot of him, he is no prize.

Do you want to continue the pregnancy? Personally I wouldn't in this situation, however no one on earth could justify judging you for any direction you take here.

She’s not smug OP, she’s just trying to save her family. Why she wants to save a marriage to a lousy cheat Idk but she may be scared of being sp to a disabled child. She’s not at fault.

If you do go ahead then this is one of those situations where you have to take him at his word. His name doesn't go on the birth certificates and they take your last name, with no reference to him. I'd also assume that any child maintenance payments will not be fifth coming for the entire 18 years. You will need to be 100% responsible. No ifs or buts and anything he contributes will be extra.

Would you have sufficient support if one is born poorly? If you take a longer time to heal after the birth (age never helps healing I find!).

Look at it all from your situation as a single mother to two hopefully healthy babies. Can you practically do it alone? Buying in help where (not if) needed?

Only then listen to your heart on this.

It's an impossibly unfair situation. You cannot escape pain in either direction. But if you make the right decision for yourself then it will turn out ok in the end.

Whatever you decide, I would be tempted to have a meeting with both of them if for no other reason than to make the shit bag squirm. He's simply opted out! WTAF? You don't get that option, so no need to make it easier for him. He's not furred to come with you, if you want, to any possible abortion, to drive you home even. Maybe you wouldn't want that but he's not even offering. He's a Grade 1 arsehole. If you do meet with them, take a friend with you too - two against one isn't ok.

I'm so very sorry OP.

You will decide for yourself what's best for you with regards to your pregnancy. Whatever you decide will be for you only.

As for that piece of shite, cut him right out like a nasty cyst. This, I know, is easier said than done. I'd bet you are not the first and you certainly won't be the last. His wife's posts on Facebook is a front. She deserves pity but not yours, you have enough to contend with.

Take care xx

I know she is trying to save her family and I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for her for right now as well. When he spoke about his son he said neither of them can parent alone with him as he has no mobility/speech/understanding etc and that’s why he was living with his parents and she was with hers (obviously I now know differently re the living situation) so I can understand if she feels she has no other choice but to stay and try to salvage the marriage.

21 weeks wouldn’t be resuscitated no but 22 weeks might if other favourable factors - but this is only in the last few years in this country . (BAPM extreme preterm guideline), so depends how old son is - 22 weeks could be true depending on age

I’d consider asking him for a lump sum now for his contribution to baby preparations/post birth support. You’re not entitled to it through CMS, but it would give an indication of whether his promise to pay is genuine.

Could he potentially have sent the letter himself, not told her any of it and she’s on these date nights none the wiser? I’d imagine if he has done that he’s said she’ll be there so you don’t reach out to meet up with ‘them’. What a horrific situation and he’s been just as awful to her but she clearly can’t see that. It’s such an awkward situation with you at work 😞 I really don’t know what I’d do in your situation so really can’t say. I think he’s assuming if he falsely sends a letter, you’ll have an abortion, he’ll continue living a lie and get off Scot free 🤦🏼‍♀️

@daretodenim has great advice here.

You have to be prepared to be solely financially and physically responsible for them for the first 18 years, possibly longer. I assume grandparents will also be getting to the age where they can be of limited physical help.

Honestly, if it were me, I would terminate ( I have in the past, so I'm not saying this lightly). Ask yourself - If you had split up and not been pregnant at that point would you have said "My one regret is that we didn't have a child together' ? It's very easy to let your hormones rule your head.

turns out he is still married to his wife and they are all living with his parents

So they were never separated?

Did none of his family or friends mention this to you?

Remember you have done nothing wrong and you have nothing to hide or feel ashamed about.

If you want to continue with this pregnancy then do not keep it a dirty little secret and make sure everyone knows who’s the father and the situation (I’m sure he’ll tell his own version of events).

You will be raising these babies alone.
You will most likely have a lot of stress and drama throughout your pregnancy and once the baby is here.

I’m not sure I would want to do this all over again when your child is finally becoming independent.

You poor thing, what a tough situation.
Do you have supportive friends and family?
My daughter is now 13, her Dad hasn't been around at all, no maintenance, no contact since before her 1st birthday. Its been tough, but honestly, it's been a blessing at times. I've watched my friends struggling with contact, with dickhead exs, with their exs bad parenting and stupid actions...and I've always felt relieved that my daughter never had to deal with any of that.
Shes occasionally asked after her Dad, not til she was maybe about 6 so plenty of time for you to get used to being a single mum. I've always just explained she wasn't happy and I wasn't happy when he was in our lives and she is safer and better off without him. To this day she is totally happy with that.
Don't get me wrong, there were times it was very very difficult to do everything alone. But also big special moments of wow, she is this amazing and kind and special because of all of my hard work, it was all me. I have a wonderful partner now who adores her and treats her as his own but he didn't come on the scene until she was year 6.
I guess what I'm saying is...it'll be very hard, but it will be amazing and so rewarding. And his financial help will be great. He sounds like a bastard and a liar so you're better off without x

Something seems off. Call his bluff on the meeting - she may well be blissfully unaware.

I wouldn’t take his word for it that he’s told his wife. The man is a disgusting cowardly liar. I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. X

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz that could be true. He could have said I was a ONS that fell pregnant. I know a few of you are saying to have it out face to face and I’d usually agree. I’m pretty strong willed but I feel weak, I feel like I’d burst out crying as soon as I tried to talk and that is something I really don’t want to happen. God I sound pathetic even saying that, I just don’t feel strong enough to face them both right now.

I know that you shouldn't have to do this, he has been in the wrong, but to make things easier for you, could you look for a new job after your mat leave?if you plan on returning to work that is... Perhaps a similar role but away from him, just so you don't have to see him daily! I'm all for making his life hell, but I'm thinking of you, not him!

I don’t think you should concentrate of him or his wife in what they want/doing/ etc

You need to think about what’s best for you and your children.

Will it be financially viable to raise two and work? If he’s well off you may have a decent case for provision.

He will also when the the time comes have some shared care, that’s the reality of being a parent.

As for work, I’d make it known he’s the father! I really would. He’s admitted to being a father and now he needs to face the same questions that you are going to. His reputation isn’t your business anymore.

22 for sure

21 no way

You know, if this were me and I went down the abortion route, I wouldn't even mention that I'd had the procedure. I'd grey rock the fucker and in about a months time just start wearing baggy clothes.

I don’t think I could face that either but I’d ask for it just to call his bluff or could you message the wife direct? You need to know for sure that she knows and he isn’t just sending this letter as if it’s from the two of them

I wouldn’t be trusting a word he said about his son. If he said he was born at 21/22 weeks he was almost certainly lying and what he’s describing sounds like more than just issues with being premature. At the very least it sounds more like a severe birth injury, or some genetic condition/issues. I would be very concerned that the twins might also have significant disabilities.

Maybe it was 22 weeks, to be honest I can’t specifically remember. It was definitely low 20s, he was less than 1lb at birth and he needed to be moved to another hospital by a specialised Air Ambulance.
Yes another concern is genetic issues. I don’t think I would be in a position to cope with twins that have those challenges alone.

Who cares about the wife? The only thing you need to worry about right now is whether you can raise two kids on your own. You can’t trust him at all. Personally I’d have an abortion and get a new job. Move forward.

Is there someone you could take with you? Do you have a sibling? Or close friend? Someone level headed, capable of being firm if required etc.

I feel immensely sorry for both you and his wife. He is utterly despicable.

His wife is very unlikely to actually feel smug. She probably feels completely trapped and desperate given the alternative is providing round the clock care for a profoundly disabled child alone. She's trying to convince herself that the relationship is salvageable and that she is happy. It's very sad.

OP no one would judge you if you decided this was too much, and you should not judge yourself.