Getting the “ick” over money

[OreganoOregano]

Named changed as I’ve spoken to a couple of friends about this.

DP and I have been together around 8 months - were friends for around a year prior to being in a relationship. We met through work and clicked immediately. I had left exH 6 months prior to meeting him. I have a DD who is 3.5. ExH was financially abusive and contributes a minimal amount to her life.

I didn’t initially fancy DP - not my type on paper at all and genuinely saw us as friends but the more I got to know him, the more I found attractive. My main concern before getting together, which we discussed at length before anything happened, was money and finances. I am 10 years into my career, am senior management and a high earner. He retrained to move into his role and took a pay cut. He has the potential to be where I am in around 3-5 years. I told him that for us to realistically work long term, he needs to be earning more.

He is currently earning c£25k. I earn around 4 times that.

We both work in a commission based environment and he has the opportunity to earn good money fairly quickly but you do need to put in hours/graft to be successful.

Initially he was spurred on by me and was working harder to earn money and be successful however, the further into our relationship we get, he isn’t, IMO, doing what is necessary to be successful in this industry.

He has minimal disposal income and I’m naturally picking up the tab for 99% of things including paying for a holiday, paying for all meals out, he will always stay at mine. I’ve even paid for lunches out with his parents however noticing that his work ethic is dying off, I’m beginning to get the ick.

He is genuinely the loveliest, kindest person, is fantastic with my daughter, all my friends and family love him and I genuinely cannot rate him highly enough however I’ve worked really hard to come back from financial ruin after my ex and I need things to be 50:50 or at least on track to be.

We’ve had a conversation about this and he is in agreement with me/has vowed to do more and in his defence, is, but I cannot help feeling less attracted to him because of this.

What would you do in this situation? Head is saying end things. Heart is begging me to give him a chance.

OP, you are driven, generous, capable and providing a fantastic life for your DD.

Do not let this lazy, entitled, charming, kind feckless man get in the way.

You need someone who is an equal, someone who inspires you (and vice versa).

You're not his mum. The Chinese takeaway and upmarket restaurant bill dodging examples are just vile.

Of course it's not about money. I'm sure if he was working hard at any career but not yet earning much and paying his way as much as he could eg. "Will I pick up some ingredients for a meal and cook as you've had a tough week?" would be very attractive.

Tupperware for Christmas is unforgivable. Myself and DP are on a very very tight budget this year as have opened a second business but he got me some lovely things from charity shops and wrote me a love letter.

I think we are all guilty of measuring other people by our own standards and motivations. You talked about him looking up his dream house etc. You (and I) would dream and wonder how we could achieve. But other people wonder why someone else hasn't given them that yet.

I also had a boyfriend like this so I feel strongly about your post. His attitude was "you have loads of money" but I worked so hard and took my career seriously while he was drifting around his career.

It's not the money. It's the lack of ambition and responsibility. Dump.

Surely he was offering to pay?

If he was offering to pay, when OP said she couldn't afford it, why didn't he reply with, "Don't worry, my treat", rather than, "Let's not bother"? The cheeky fucker fancied a Chinese and wanted OP to pay for it. Doing her a favour, indeed!

If he was such a kind man he would have brought you chinese - he is using you

My friend has suggested that maybe he just doesn't understand the concept of what I have to pay out monthly and genuinely sees me as well off.

But that’s part of the problem, isn’t it? He’s a freeloader, whether OP is well off or not.

I have friends who are wealthy, hospitable and generous. I always bring a bottle or dish to their parties, help with the work and invite them to mine. It’s not about contributing exactly the same amount. It’s about being, in his case, a parasite.

I found myself supporting several cocklodgers ( not at the same time!), over the years before I met DH. I never meant to, they just slipped into my life, and I felt guilty about throwing them out. I still made myself do it,though.

And then Iwas free to meet my lovely DH. Neither of us cares much about money as long as we’ve got enough to live comfortably, we share everything and would rather contribute extra than take advantage.

It’s about being, in his case, a parasite. I mean OP’s boyfriend, of course, not my generous friend!

I suppose I meant more that have they slipped into a pattern?

Shall I grab us Chinese, you've had a bad day
Oh yeah thanks, I'll have chicken.
Don't offer to pay and if he asks for the money say "you offered to buy it but now expect me to pay for it?"

Shall I grab is Chinese, you've had a bad day
Oh let's not bother, I'm skint
Should elicit a "no I meant I'll treat us" but can also elicit an "oh OK then, she doesn't really want it / doesn't like being paid for"

If he's really so great, I'd be inclined to be more direct and push it. So example 1, and "if you're coming over Saturday, your turn to cook so you'll need to do a shop".

Op: Lets go to fancy pizza shop
Yeah great
Op: We need to go Dutch tho, I'm skint this month

It might be that he has no intention of increasing his spending power and they find less expensive things to do together, or he steps up or op decides she doesn't want to live like she's on 25k

Any updates from this weekend OP? Chinese new year and all that

Wow. If I would knew that my love would think the way you do, I would leave her immediately. I mean you seem to be a logical person, head working person and unfortunately not a heart person. Money and heart don't work!!!
The guy should be able to fix his own costs and manage his own life but should not be forced to earn more.
Also the mum is very selfish, her daughter is happy but she is thinking of change. That's ego and also she seems to be a control freak.

I don't understand the Problem. The Daughter love's him, and she love's him also.
Except he would would more hours for a little bit more Money (he will never reach that high amount of money than she). He is stressed from the lot of work, less time to play with the little Daughter.
And If they get divided, in the end she will stay with an rich asshole that don't care about the daughter.
But yeah we have more money!

Any update OP?

How do you feel in that moment you pay for him? And what do you feel?

would it be a dream for you that he can cover more than 50:50 let’s say 25:75?

imagine he invites you to holiday? And pays everything. How does it feel like?

does he love his job?

you can reflect on this questions on a paper.
🙏

Hope OP is doing well, & am only popping in as saw updates & hoped it was she.

Also to observe how remarkably similar the posting style, syntax & phraseology is between Seto & Caletheil. What a shame they each seem to be Cocklodger Apologists, & what a coincidence that they each reference OP's DD only in terms of manipulating OP about the love they assume her child has for the cocklodger.

simply put: "equal rights for women achieved". The model of company you describe is just about as it were in those so called good old days just by exchanged genders. If you love him and he gives emotional value to your family of two isnt that what its mostly about.
Dont try to change him you might not love him afterwards. For me it actually looks right: you brought your kid which he accepts and he brings his support as ladies did in the old days. The roles are exchanged between your genders but they are at least available for all of you. Relax and enjoy the new world of feminism.
Its not only legally "allowed" but actually socially and politically encouraged what both of you practice.
Actually: congrats!

Haha yes I thought that too, quick name changing going on to convince op to not dump him

All the causes in the world and you went for ‘white knight for hobosexuals’ 🫠

Or she can chuck this one back and find an actually decent guy that also pulls his weight financially.

An incredible coincidence

She wants a man who doesn't see her as a cash cow.

The difference is nobody seeing their partner as a cash cow?

Equality is me and my husband sharing our income as well as our expenses and neither of us sitting back expecting the other to cover our expensive tastes.

Oh do run along & play nicely with Seto & Caletheil, @gg1000, there's a good red piller boy.

Erm, where did I say we have the same incomes? We have vastly different earnings but I can guarantee when we were dating the one who earned less didn't expect the other to pick up the bill 100% of the time. Just as we have continued into our marriage.

You've totally outed yourself and your neanderthal views with your "doctor marries female doctor" btw. Female doctors are called doctor. The default isn't that a doctor is a man and a doctor with a vagina is a "female doctor" you don't need to specify it.

@gg1000

The difference in that situation is the woman would be making a non-financial contribution in terms of raising children, keeping the home, and all the invisible labour of a family. This comes at a cost of her own time in the workforce and ability to earn money.

The OP's boyfriend is bringing nothing but the pleasure of his company to the table, so why should his girlfriend financially subsidise him?