Getting the “ick” over money

[OreganoOregano]

Named changed as I’ve spoken to a couple of friends about this.

DP and I have been together around 8 months - were friends for around a year prior to being in a relationship. We met through work and clicked immediately. I had left exH 6 months prior to meeting him. I have a DD who is 3.5. ExH was financially abusive and contributes a minimal amount to her life.

I didn’t initially fancy DP - not my type on paper at all and genuinely saw us as friends but the more I got to know him, the more I found attractive. My main concern before getting together, which we discussed at length before anything happened, was money and finances. I am 10 years into my career, am senior management and a high earner. He retrained to move into his role and took a pay cut. He has the potential to be where I am in around 3-5 years. I told him that for us to realistically work long term, he needs to be earning more.

He is currently earning c£25k. I earn around 4 times that.

We both work in a commission based environment and he has the opportunity to earn good money fairly quickly but you do need to put in hours/graft to be successful.

Initially he was spurred on by me and was working harder to earn money and be successful however, the further into our relationship we get, he isn’t, IMO, doing what is necessary to be successful in this industry.

He has minimal disposal income and I’m naturally picking up the tab for 99% of things including paying for a holiday, paying for all meals out, he will always stay at mine. I’ve even paid for lunches out with his parents however noticing that his work ethic is dying off, I’m beginning to get the ick.

He is genuinely the loveliest, kindest person, is fantastic with my daughter, all my friends and family love him and I genuinely cannot rate him highly enough however I’ve worked really hard to come back from financial ruin after my ex and I need things to be 50:50 or at least on track to be.

We’ve had a conversation about this and he is in agreement with me/has vowed to do more and in his defence, is, but I cannot help feeling less attracted to him because of this.

What would you do in this situation? Head is saying end things. Heart is begging me to give him a chance.

If a man on x4 times his partner's income told her to "go halves" or "take turns", he'd be accused of financial abuse, and quite rightly so.

What about ANYONE offering to 'grab a takeaway because it sounds like you had a hard day" and then not bothering when the recipient of such generosity wouldn't pay?

I've been in a similar situation to you and the difference being that my partner was always trying to help out/thoughtful gifts (like ingredient's for dinner etc).

I think you know the answer in your heart

I think you have made the correct decision . Look back on your posts and you will see you have quoted a few times that he is a nice person , kind , a good friend , well liked etc . But he is not making you happy , not acting as an equal in the relationship , so for you , he is none of those things and the relationship is doomed to fail .
It's not your fault , and it's not really his , simple fact you are not suited as a couple to be together.

It's sad as I do think a lot of him. He's genuinely fantastic in other ways - I still co-sleep with DD and he is incredibly respectful of that. If he stays, I sleep in her room with her. He will tidy round. He will pick up a bag of chocolate buttons for my DD if he knows he's going to see her. When she had chicken pox, he left some Aveeno and a colouring book on the doorstep and a note for me.
Things that I would perceive as incredibly thoughtful and kind...

My friend has suggested that maybe he just doesn't understand the concept of what I have to pay out monthly and genuinely sees me as well off. I appreciate I'm in a fantastic position but once you remove rent (in the longggg process of selling marital home), bills, full time nursery fees, fuel, car, food, gym membership, pets, money for dd's clubs plus a bit for savings, there isn't a huge amount of disposable income left. I understand her point and think it's really valid however it doesn't change the fact that for me, he is taking the piss and just the lack of drive alone is not attractive to me.

Worded the bit about DD totally wrong. I meant he has never put pressure on me to stop co sleeping with DD, has only ever been positive. His dad was very much when it once came up in conversation which he shut down immediately and I respected him for.

Thinking someone is well off is no excuse for sponging though.

I’m not well off but have some very wealthy friends - I always pay my way just as I’ve always paid my way in relationships. If they suggest something I can’t afford I just suggest something cheaper - I’ve never expected others to pick up the tabs.

It’s just an entitled lazy passive way to live life.

He clearly has a lot of good points, but he isn't long term relationship / life partner material for you. Is sad, but hopefully you can remain friends.

Urgh he’s gross.

Time after time after time after time.

So entitled.

But I have to ask why are you not able to speak up - assertively - calmly - not pleading or aggressive.

Does anger or confrontation scare you?

I mean this politely. You need to raise the bar. He gets paid for , he gets laid and he doesn’t even need to share a bed with you. I bet he’s respectful of tne Co sleeping. It will be like Xmas.

the man is using you and all it takes is a a couple of cheap gestures to your kid to make sure he is still in, and you think he’s Prince Charming.

the truth is op people only use you when you let them. The more you post the more I am starting to think the issue is you. Are you so desperate to be with someone that you will pay him to be with you? Because the way you’re posting now it does seem like you’re considering this .

it is also starting to look like he knows it too . You’re so irrelevant to him he couldn’t even be arsed with a decent Christmas present. But he knows he doesn’t need to. He doesn’t even need to make the effort at work. You will keep buying him stuff, taking him places, having sex with him, letting him stay with you rather than his crappy lodgings. Shortly he’s assuming you will let him live with you and you will pay for it. He will get his own room as you will share with your kid.

it’s a users dream ticket.

Just friendzone him OP. He's not partner material but he's probably not the monster people like to make him out to be.

Agree. At the time I met my now husband he was earning around 6x my then salary. I always paid my way whether it was dinner, groceries or holidays. I never expected him to pay for me. Like you say, when something was too much, I'd propose something cheaper.

Op, thinking about it I'm in a similar situation save that I was the lower earner. I've worked bloody hard to get to where I am. Now my husband and I have similar salaries and work hard for our family.

Like you it would be the lack of ambition that would put me off. That and the fact that by having you sub him, he is diverting funds from your daughter.

You have already said that he is a nice bloke. That he cares, makes small gestures to show he cares. But you know that isn't enough for you! His niceness, his input emotionally, is far outweighed by what he takes from you financially and in how you think of him and of yourself.

You don't have to have any "real reason" to make changes. That you want to is enough.

Over the years, I've had friends and family members who are significantly better off than me, and significantly worse off (and it moves around). The key thing is that everyone contributes as they can. So... a friend and I might meet up for a takeaway and I'll insist on paying, but she'll get a bottle of wine in. Or we'll go out with DH's family and everyone pays for their own food but we will pay for wine.

But 10 years ago when money was much tighter for us, MIL would pay for us and we'd have her round for food at our house. Or my Dad would insist on paying for dinner when we went out when we were visiting them but we'd get a takeaway in or do a supermarket shop.

Surely this is normal? I mean, weekly lunch at work I'm assuming is quite often a sandwich or a salad or something rather than a fancy meal? That's an obvious one to take turns on? But OP really 100% convinced me when he didn't say, "no no, of course it's my treat. I'll see you in an hour" re the Chinese.

This is just a shot in the dark and please don’t read it as putting the boot in because that’s not how I mean it, you sound like a generous and sensitive person. I’m just wondering if you’re looking for the wrong answer to the problem of how to avoid another financially abusive relationship. Ambition that involves lusting over watches, coats and a particular ‘lifestyle’ doesn’t sound like a quality to seek or value highly, maybe to tolerate if it comes alongside good family values and a work ethic. Generosity and self sufficiency can be found at any pay level, and you’ll be narrowing your dating pool hugely if you’re looking for a genuinely nice man who earns anywhere near as much as you but isn’t completely money motivated.

All of which to say… yeah throw this guy back but don’t rule out men on les than £30 grand in jobs that are a vocation to them, there are lots of lovely and highly motivated men in fields like healthcare and education. But I wouldn’t tell anyone you’re dating what your salary is or picking up more than half the bill on dates until you’re well into things with them!

@BatildaB The OP has already stated clearly that she would respect and accept a lower paid partner in a profession such as teaching or nursing if it was his vocation, he had ambition, was a hard worker AND wasn't also a shameless freeloader.

@Ridemeginger I know, I have read the whole thread. I’m just puzzled about what was appealing about this superficial and selfish sounding man and that what sounds to me like his worst trait, of valuing material things like expensive watches over the people he’s supposed to care about, was perhaps misinterpreted by OP as a potential saving virtue of ambition and drive.

Just to add - the reason there is lots of confusion in the responses is because in the OP’s initial post she did describe it as a problem of income and ambition not of selfishness and user like behaviour.

This sums it up for me. 👌

It sounds like neither of you have a proper grip of what each other's lifestyle costs and what you can each afford. Have you talked about money (ie. What things cost and what this means for your current salaries rather than what you or he hope to earn in the future?)

A single person without kids who earns a quarter of what you do may not have a clue how your outgoings match your income. I'm not excusing his behaviour but none of us here really know how you behave with money or what your lifestyle is and how it looks to an outsider.

Likewise, do you really understand what his disposable income is, whether he is paying off debt etc.

From what you've said you are both living beyond your means and you need to both understand what you can actually afford. You've both made quite a few assumptions about each other which may be way off the mark.

All of which to say… yeah throw this guy back but don’t rule out men on les than £30 grand in jobs that are a vocation to them, there are lots of lovely and highly motivated men in fields like healthcare and education

at the age range your looking at rhe likely hood of them ever being anything other than a below average earner maybe limited.

for me. I’d struggle. Your salary earns you a certain lifestyle. So if you are with someone on a low income. You either need to always do low cost stuff they can afford. Or you have to constantly pay for them to do more expensive stuff, like a nice restaurant or holiday.

as said earlier, I earn double my husband but he’s an High earner in his own right, im not sure I would wish to start off with someone in the age range you’re looking at who is a low earner and will always struggle financially unless they have a higher earning partner or live frugally. As lovely as they may be, it wouldn’t be for me. I’d resent it eventually.

I know lots of men do it, but often it’s in return for household/child care services so they don’t need to be bothered, or as it’s some younger model. Not many women are up for it, as they often aren’t interested in finding someone to do all the child and house stuff and don’t want to pay for a younger guy.

@mewkins I think it's a little unfair to suggest I'm living outside of my means. I save a good proportion of my income. I make all food at home from scratch, shop around for bargains. I'm not struggling. When you take out all outgoings of a single parent living a good lifestyle in a relatively expensive area, the disposable income isn't huge but more than enough for DD and I to do nice things with.

I could of course downgrade my car, reduce subscriptions, move to a cheaper gym etc but I'm absolutely not going to do that to fund the lifestyle of work shy boyfriend who doesn't seem to want to contribute.

@BatildaB I'm not really getting the controversy people on this thread are feeling about her either entering the relationship or ending it. Isn't a relationship about trying each other on for size, and if it doesn't fit, ending it before it goes too far?

She's only been with him 8 months. He's clearly superficially pleasant and good company and they have things common. The already had a friendship. So that's all a good foundation for getting on in a romantic partnership. He has shown none of the ambition or drive the OP respects in a partner, but she's given him time to show it. He hasn't, e.g. being late for work whilst looking at watches he can't afford. He's suggested doing expensive stuff and let her pay for everything. She's given him a chance to pay his share, he hasn't. He's shown his true colours over the Christmas period by being a thoughtless freeloader and giving her an insulting "gift". She's given a short term relationship ample chance to develop into something she wants and it hasn't and now she's ending it. She's been neither crazy to enter the relationship, not knee jerk in ending it. She's tried him on for size, and he doesn't fit, much like those slippers he gave her. No harm, no foul, end it kindly and move on.

@Fullsomefrenchie each to their own, but £30k is median for early 30s. Most of my friends are on two salaries of around that amount, working in health and social care, education and social enterprises, mostly involved in volunteering or community groups as well, and have solid relationships built on shared values and can easily afford take outs and the odd holiday while living in one of the most expensive cities. It’s really not a slumming it salary. My point was just that it’s easy to overcorrect on superficial things after a bad relationship while repeating the same underlying pattern. Whether a man is rich or ‘poor’ (for which apparently read average!) isn’t as important as how he treats people, and I would avoid a man on any salary who spent his brain thinking about watches! I’m not trying to dictate a lower cut off for anyone else, just saying it’s worth getting clear on what underlies the bad behaviour and that it isn’t income level or lack of ‘ambition.’

@Ridemeginger I’ve already agreed she should get rid twice, so not sure what you mean.