Getting the “ick” over money

[OreganoOregano]

Named changed as I’ve spoken to a couple of friends about this.

DP and I have been together around 8 months - were friends for around a year prior to being in a relationship. We met through work and clicked immediately. I had left exH 6 months prior to meeting him. I have a DD who is 3.5. ExH was financially abusive and contributes a minimal amount to her life.

I didn’t initially fancy DP - not my type on paper at all and genuinely saw us as friends but the more I got to know him, the more I found attractive. My main concern before getting together, which we discussed at length before anything happened, was money and finances. I am 10 years into my career, am senior management and a high earner. He retrained to move into his role and took a pay cut. He has the potential to be where I am in around 3-5 years. I told him that for us to realistically work long term, he needs to be earning more.

He is currently earning c£25k. I earn around 4 times that.

We both work in a commission based environment and he has the opportunity to earn good money fairly quickly but you do need to put in hours/graft to be successful.

Initially he was spurred on by me and was working harder to earn money and be successful however, the further into our relationship we get, he isn’t, IMO, doing what is necessary to be successful in this industry.

He has minimal disposal income and I’m naturally picking up the tab for 99% of things including paying for a holiday, paying for all meals out, he will always stay at mine. I’ve even paid for lunches out with his parents however noticing that his work ethic is dying off, I’m beginning to get the ick.

He is genuinely the loveliest, kindest person, is fantastic with my daughter, all my friends and family love him and I genuinely cannot rate him highly enough however I’ve worked really hard to come back from financial ruin after my ex and I need things to be 50:50 or at least on track to be.

We’ve had a conversation about this and he is in agreement with me/has vowed to do more and in his defence, is, but I cannot help feeling less attracted to him because of this.

What would you do in this situation? Head is saying end things. Heart is begging me to give him a chance.

Stop being so available and stop paying for him!!

He will earn more money if he puts in more work but he’s always hanging out with you and your child!

Are there actually any "rules" how a marriage is to be organized? If both love each other, wake up happily and go to bed happily where is the problem? To earn exactly the same for both in a relationship is an illusion and fighting for equal or even more rights also concerning payment for the ladies bears fruit meanwhile. That's an advantagious outcome and since decades hoped for why complain. And usually the one who earns less can be "in the house" as it were and still can be.

The "ick" comes from old prejudice and "neandertal" ways of life which are supposedly outdated in the post industrial time and world.

Just life happily hereafter and skip this blog!

The ‘rules’ are that is has to work for both people in the relationship. For a lot of people, having to financially support someone else that’s perfectly capable of working to help pay for the lifestyle they expect you to fund for them, is a dealbreaker precisely because they wouldn’t be going to bed and waking up happy. Unsurprisingly.

It’s absolutely possible for OP to find a lovely man that pays his own way. It’s absolutely possible for her to be happily single too. If I’d have had to choose between a being single or taking on a man who expected me to pay for him then the former wins, no fucking contest.

Sorry to say, but that sounds a bit like the "neandertal" hypergamy that's supposed to be overcome by feminism. And that's kompletely ok for you but maybe not for the rest of the world. One hostoric example that actually worked out til death aparted them we're Queen Elizabeth Ii and her poorer husband Prince Phillip...

It is a kind of sad that your thinking is all about money instead of beeing happy, having a men who cares four your greatest treasure that cannot be bought with money - What about some humility and gratitude? I understand your history but it depends you are projecting the Ex straight onto him and his behaviour.

Okay you are a powerful strong Women doing an amazing job and earn a lot of money, that is your way of life you deserve for hard work but maybe he does not feel that he got the will into hisself

" I need things to be 50:50 or at least on track to be"

Then you will probably will never find the one who cares for your daughter in a more love way then you do currently and isnt that much much more worth then any money you earn?

Getting into mediation what cares for your live - Money and the fear of beeing financially abusive again or accepting a man with his soul and careness for your Daughter and still has an own income.

You probably have to rethink your own style of Life and the things that attract you because it does not seems to be a big heart and love. That all cant be compared to Money or reputation in job.

Life is so short - Take him and his life like he is and maybe just step down in Job yourself and have more time with him and the Family then with less money but happier when it comes to important things in Life like, Love, loyalty and family

Money is not all

The OP has said time and time again on this thread it isn't really about the money it's about her boyfriend's lack of drive, ambition, work ethic...

He could be on low wage as a bin man vs her 100k and would still be attractive if he turned up to work on time, did his job properly, worked hard. What is it about thst which you are not getting? A poor work ethic is unattractive to people who are driven and work hard for what they have. This would be the same if they both had the exact same income.

Prince Phillip worked alongside the Queen for decades. Do you think she'd have been pleased if he wanted to go out on the razz all night on her ££ then have a lie in the following day instead of going to work at events etc? Nah, you know she wouldn't.

We know all about your exhilaration gg. Your mum rang, asking us to tell you to keep it off her basement furniture this time, ok? Also, pay for your own Kleenex.

The "ick" comes from old prejudice and "neandertal" ways of life which are supposedly outdated in the post industrial time and world

I don’t agree. I think it’s more to do with different values. The OP puts a high value on earning a lot and moving up the career ladder. The bf obviously doesn’t.

Because she doesn’t have to pay for a grown ass man if she doesn’t want to. Where he could get is irrelevant when it’s quite clear he’s not motivated to be anywhere but where he is, with OP footing the bill.

Anyway, in all likelihood she’s jettisoned him by now, so he’s free and looking for another sponsor. If you think paying for him is the key to happiness then no one’s stopping you.

My God, Mumsnet has been invaded by dinosaurs. Again.

Before you get deleted for obscenety and hate speach ;-) I actually know.
And I do not use sock puppets anymore. My "Kids" have reached their thirties. Watch out for the boomer ;-)

Amen!

The difference being you cannot compare a woman staying at home raising children, organising sports clubs, playdates and school activites, remembering the husband's families birthdays and significant events doing all the present sourcing for them etc, cleaning and organising a home, grocery shopping, meal planning, cooking, etc, etc etc. All of that doesn't bring in income but is supportive to family life. The OP's boyfriend does none of that and I'd bet a lot of money things would be different if it was. Not to mention that a married couple have committed to each other and should have discussed how to organise family life and finances. This poster hasn't and its unfair to compare a married couple to one who are just dating as if the expectations are the same.

One of my brothers is a stay at home dad. His wife is a high earner and staying at home wasn't for her. To be honest it did influence my expectations for a man to spend my life with (my brother is much older). I'm not a piss taker and I didn't want to marry one. Fairness is important.

He sounds like he's taking the piss tbh financially speaking at least.

25k is not a bad salary, he can afford to treat you quite easily. To also expect you to pick up the tab for his parents? Nah. Lunch is not expensive to pay for. Im on similar salary and to say he cant afford dinner or lunch once a week is ludicrous.

He seems perfectly fine with you paying for pretty much everything. I really don't think he is going to be what your looking for in terms of financial support.

If the financial side of things is a deal breaker then this deal is broken

I actually thought he'd offered to get a chinese for you both not that he expected you to pay! The audacity! And then making out he was offering you a favour!

He can't afford a takeaway on a 25k salary???

He is royally taking the piss out of you.

Have you ever spoken to him about this? I ask this as someone on a similar wage to him. To me and probably a lot of peopld a £100k salary is a literal fortune. Perhaps he feels its not that big a deal, that for you paying for a fancy dinner is like getting a greggs for him.

The problem though is he's not even getting you a greggs!

I think you don't want to subsidise him and to be honest you will be as someone who the much higher earner. Quite possibly forever.

Life is so short - Take him and his life like he is and maybe just step down in Job yourself and have more time with him and the Family then with less money but happier when it comes to important things in Life like, Love, loyalty and family
Money is not all

I rather think that if the OP announced her intentions to do this, she wouldn't see the BF for dust!

In reverse roles its our money coming from the husband and my money from the wife. Why not reverse roles Here, too?
If she loves "him", which maybe actually means the way he is, there is no reason to adjust anything.