Getting the “ick” over money

[OreganoOregano]

Named changed as I’ve spoken to a couple of friends about this.

DP and I have been together around 8 months - were friends for around a year prior to being in a relationship. We met through work and clicked immediately. I had left exH 6 months prior to meeting him. I have a DD who is 3.5. ExH was financially abusive and contributes a minimal amount to her life.

I didn’t initially fancy DP - not my type on paper at all and genuinely saw us as friends but the more I got to know him, the more I found attractive. My main concern before getting together, which we discussed at length before anything happened, was money and finances. I am 10 years into my career, am senior management and a high earner. He retrained to move into his role and took a pay cut. He has the potential to be where I am in around 3-5 years. I told him that for us to realistically work long term, he needs to be earning more.

He is currently earning c£25k. I earn around 4 times that.

We both work in a commission based environment and he has the opportunity to earn good money fairly quickly but you do need to put in hours/graft to be successful.

Initially he was spurred on by me and was working harder to earn money and be successful however, the further into our relationship we get, he isn’t, IMO, doing what is necessary to be successful in this industry.

He has minimal disposal income and I’m naturally picking up the tab for 99% of things including paying for a holiday, paying for all meals out, he will always stay at mine. I’ve even paid for lunches out with his parents however noticing that his work ethic is dying off, I’m beginning to get the ick.

He is genuinely the loveliest, kindest person, is fantastic with my daughter, all my friends and family love him and I genuinely cannot rate him highly enough however I’ve worked really hard to come back from financial ruin after my ex and I need things to be 50:50 or at least on track to be.

We’ve had a conversation about this and he is in agreement with me/has vowed to do more and in his defence, is, but I cannot help feeling less attracted to him because of this.

What would you do in this situation? Head is saying end things. Heart is begging me to give him a chance.

"If she loves him..." But she doesn't. She fell for the man he claimed to be (hard working, ambitious) but is now showing himself to be nothing of the sort. It would be daft to stick with someone because of what you used to think they were like, once you've discovered you were wrong; or perhaps more to the point in this instance, that they were lying to you.

In reverse roles its our money coming from the husband and my money from the wife. Why not reverse roles Here, too?

Because he's an arsehole.

Because they aren't married....

It definitely isn't "our money" if the roled are reversed which is a couple whoso not live together nor share kids, any assets or financial links.

In a traditional marriage the worth of the relation was exactly that different values put together made a stronger couple. Money earning and hustle by one fits perfectly together with another person formerly the wife who kept the folks together and keeps peace and comfort at home.
If its same rights for men and women it can work and his ability to cope with NOT HIS daughter is actually of extreme value for the "family". But yes of one of them cant stand it anymore it can be broken up at the cost of the girl by the way.

Isnt giving stability to the (not his!) daughter of any value?

But he isn't the home maker. He isn't the SAHD. They don't live together. He comes over and plays with the kids periodically. He's he isn't doing the traditional female role.
If DH quits works tomorrow and I get a job, that's fair. That's not ops situation.

I infer from your post that you think stability is a good thing here? I disagree that the bf seeing her from time to time and playing with her provides any worthwhile degree of stability - he isn't a major factor in her life by the sound of things he doesn't do bedtime, one on one time (like swimming), cook for her, clean for her or help with homework...that is pretty clear.

Secondly even if he was, I dont believe stability should come above everything else. If I didn't have my husband I would want any boyfriend of mine to be an example of the values I instill in my children. How can I tell them not to slack off in school when they see someone slacking off at work and not even turning up on time? How can they see a healthy example of relationships if one person gets a thoughtful personalised present and the other gets tupperware? Nah.

If one person pays for the other it's so the other can look after house and home.

It isn't normal to be paying for someone's lifestyle etc when they do nothing like that. He's NOT a CARER for THE daughter NOR is HE looking AFTER her HOUSE. he's JUST assuming SHE'LL subsidise HIS lifestyle.

I have secondary ick. Wouldn't work for me at all. The lack of ambition, hunger and drive would be enough to put me off, let alone the paying for everything!

Him paying for his basic living expenses is not paying for the privilege of being with her 😂

Its irrelevant whether she can afford it or not, she shouldn’t be expected to pay for a grown man who’s contribution amounts to being nice to her kid he seems him/her, and tupperware. If he wants that lifestyle then he can go ahead and pay for it himself. Him paying for his basic living expenses is not paying for the privilege of being with her 😂

it sounds like you’re on some incel tirade about double standards and sexism as if this set up is analogous to sah/woh set ups that involve marriage or at least cohabitation, joint children, and most importantly mutual agreement.

Such agreements, whether concerning a stay at home woman or stay at home man, have to be agreed upon by both parties. No adult should feel entitled to have another pay for them.

When dating I sure as shit only looked for men who, along with being good people who shared my values, could meet me on an equal financial footing. Would have happily taken being single over taking on a cocklodger who expected me to pay for him.

Seems very unlikely any woman would want to go near yours, paid or otherwise.

Break up with him now. He deserves to dodge this bullet.

So what’s happened OP?

I think you're coming at this from the wrong direction. Likely, he is trying to push himself in your career, but have you considered that maybe, he just isn't really built for that particular field? Plenty of men sign onto jobs they're ill-suited for, because it has a paycheck attached to it, rather than any sort of personal fulfillment or desire, and stay at them way longer than they should, simply because it is 'what's expected of them'. You saw that he does have that kind of drive, but he may just be in the wrong industry. You might consider having a conversation with him about if he evens really wants to be in this career, or if maybe something else is better suited to him. It sounds like you have a solid career, and it sounds like he's just there to keep you happy.

He probably won't get up to match your salary, but that's an unrealistic expectation on any relationship at this point. If he were a teacher, or some other thing, would he be happier, and would that change the landscape of this.

He almost certainly is not going to be able to catch up to you financially, as it seems you're on a steep trajectory, from your description. Also, ask yourself this: Roles reversed, would the demand for equivalent salaries feel properly justified? Most housewives tend not to make as much as their husbands, and we tend to judge men harshly who talk ill of their wives not having that much financial ambition. Would you judge a woman who was better at the domestic/relationship end of the relationship, but less solid financially, or even choosing to stay at home while the man works, by the same standard?

Well it's true that men don't care what you make and have no issue dating down or supporting less lucrative partner and women only date up!

Good luck finding someone to divy up the household chores AND who makes more than your 6 figures. Want a man who makes more than you and it's 6 figures, get used to making sammies and doing the laundry lmfao.

99.9% of men DO NOT CARE what you do or how much you make. We want looks and great sex and you don't need to be a girl boss!

Why does what an imaginary percentage of MEN want feature here? The OP is stating what SHE wants out of a relationship. There's no reason to settle for second best. By the way there are plenty of non-dinosaur men in the world above ground. I raised four of them myself.

Swap the genders and this isn't a story it's just how people live. I think feminism has broken people's brains.

Swap the genders and you still have a story because this is an advice forum where people post for advice when they aren't happy....do you understand that?

If a man posted for advice because paying for his gf all the time wasn't working for him and he wanted someone more driven he would get...advice 🙄

Thank god I have a father and brothers who know how to make their own sandwiches. Thank god my self worth isn't related to being able to slap 2 pieces of bread together.

What an absolute neanderthal.

If the situation was flipped, a man would catch hell saying he didn't wanna pay for everything. You make the money in the relationship, get over yourself