Getting the “ick” over money

[OreganoOregano]

Named changed as I’ve spoken to a couple of friends about this.

DP and I have been together around 8 months - were friends for around a year prior to being in a relationship. We met through work and clicked immediately. I had left exH 6 months prior to meeting him. I have a DD who is 3.5. ExH was financially abusive and contributes a minimal amount to her life.

I didn’t initially fancy DP - not my type on paper at all and genuinely saw us as friends but the more I got to know him, the more I found attractive. My main concern before getting together, which we discussed at length before anything happened, was money and finances. I am 10 years into my career, am senior management and a high earner. He retrained to move into his role and took a pay cut. He has the potential to be where I am in around 3-5 years. I told him that for us to realistically work long term, he needs to be earning more.

He is currently earning c£25k. I earn around 4 times that.

We both work in a commission based environment and he has the opportunity to earn good money fairly quickly but you do need to put in hours/graft to be successful.

Initially he was spurred on by me and was working harder to earn money and be successful however, the further into our relationship we get, he isn’t, IMO, doing what is necessary to be successful in this industry.

He has minimal disposal income and I’m naturally picking up the tab for 99% of things including paying for a holiday, paying for all meals out, he will always stay at mine. I’ve even paid for lunches out with his parents however noticing that his work ethic is dying off, I’m beginning to get the ick.

He is genuinely the loveliest, kindest person, is fantastic with my daughter, all my friends and family love him and I genuinely cannot rate him highly enough however I’ve worked really hard to come back from financial ruin after my ex and I need things to be 50:50 or at least on track to be.

We’ve had a conversation about this and he is in agreement with me/has vowed to do more and in his defence, is, but I cannot help feeling less attracted to him because of this.

What would you do in this situation? Head is saying end things. Heart is begging me to give him a chance.

What the fuck is this rubbish? Women aren’t going out and earning money to impress men sweetheart, it’s not about you. We do it for ourselves, and you can make your own fucking sandwich no matter how much you earn, we don’t exist to play mummy to you.

That 'ick' may very well be a trigger based on your past trauma of financial abuse from your ExH. Or, it may be your intuition or inner knowing advising you to not proceed with this new man. It seems he has charmed his way into your, your family's and your friend's lives, but as far as being able to provide or not be a financial preditor leaves a lot to be seen.

From my standpoint, using critical thinking, I would cut this romance off. A woman with a child shouldn't have to do so much work to motive a grown man to be ambitious. That is his job.

Behold - a MAN!

And this miracle of creation speaks for ALL men!
Because obviously he has interviewed every single one of them.

Apart from any of my mates.
Or men who fall over laughing when they hear the term girlboss.

This sounds like more of a holdover from past trauma, and will rear it's head even if you find a guy who makes more money then you, and is willing to be a step-dad.

If you do break up, probably get therapy before your next relationship. Or just stay single. Nothing wrong with staying single.

I think you are right to be cautious and I would feel just as you do. Mismatched ambition can be a real turn off!