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Original poster

Getting the “ick” over money

530 replies

OreganoOregano · 19/01/2023 15:58

Named changed as I’ve spoken to a couple of friends about this.

DP and I have been together around 8 months - were friends for around a year prior to being in a relationship. We met through work and clicked immediately. I had left exH 6 months prior to meeting him. I have a DD who is 3.5. ExH was financially abusive and contributes a minimal amount to her life.

I didn’t initially fancy DP - not my type on paper at all and genuinely saw us as friends but the more I got to know him, the more I found attractive. My main concern before getting together, which we discussed at length before anything happened, was money and finances. I am 10 years into my career, am senior management and a high earner. He retrained to move into his role and took a pay cut. He has the potential to be where I am in around 3-5 years. I told him that for us to realistically work long term, he needs to be earning more.

He is currently earning c£25k. I earn around 4 times that.

We both work in a commission based environment and he has the opportunity to earn good money fairly quickly but you do need to put in hours/graft to be successful.

Initially he was spurred on by me and was working harder to earn money and be successful however, the further into our relationship we get, he isn’t, IMO, doing what is necessary to be successful in this industry.

He has minimal disposal income and I’m naturally picking up the tab for 99% of things including paying for a holiday, paying for all meals out, he will always stay at mine. I’ve even paid for lunches out with his parents however noticing that his work ethic is dying off, I’m beginning to get the ick.

He is genuinely the loveliest, kindest person, is fantastic with my daughter, all my friends and family love him and I genuinely cannot rate him highly enough however I’ve worked really hard to come back from financial ruin after my ex and I need things to be 50:50 or at least on track to be.

We’ve had a conversation about this and he is in agreement with me/has vowed to do more and in his defence, is, but I cannot help feeling less attracted to him because of this.

What would you do in this situation? Head is saying end things. Heart is begging me to give him a chance.

OP posts:
Dillydollydingdong · 19/01/2023 16:02

Stop paying for everything and see how he reacts. He may feel he's won the the lottery, meeting and having a relationship with an alpha high-earning woman. I think a lot of men are like this nowadays.

lndnbrdge91 · 19/01/2023 16:07

What else does he bring to the relationship
Are you likely to have children together in the future. I think if a man said this about a woman people would say the man was mean - but I get it. If your goals aren't aligned then maybe he is not for you.

Aprilx · 19/01/2023 16:08

What is he doing or not doing? It has only been eight months, I don’t know that you can really expect him to have radically increased his earnings in that time.

As an aside, I was established in my career when I met DH and he restarted in a new career. My earnings were about four times his at first, well that is once he got a job, he was unemployed when I met him. He earned less than me for years although he build up experience and his earnings grew over time, but definitely not eight months.

Original poster
OreganoOregano · 19/01/2023 16:13

@Dillydollydingdong this is good advice but we wouldn't do anything... which is not how I want to spend my time.

@lndnbrdge91 he is such a kind, genuine man. He makes me feel safe and valued and I can hand on heart say that I trust him which, coming from an abusive relationship, is not something I thought I would ever feel again. Everything in our relationship is great, it's just the financials.

@Aprilx this is how I saw it initially. I feel mean and shallow saying this... but my priority is my daughter. I don't want to fund him too. I would love the opportunity to have another child in the future, which we have discussed. Realistically we would have 5 years maximum to do this so I don't want to waste time I may have. I would not be able to afford to have a maternity leave with him and it would terrify me funding the lives of 4 people on just my salary.

OP posts:
Original poster
OreganoOregano · 19/01/2023 16:14

@Aprilx I appreciate his earnings are not going to change drastically in 8 months but my ick is me working consistently hard and every hour I can to be successful and him working the minimal hours to bring home just his basic salary and allowing me to fund everything.

OP posts:
UncleQuentinsWife · 19/01/2023 16:17

@Dillydollydingdong this is good advice but we wouldn't do anything... which is not how I want to spend my time.
So suggest doing stuff that doesn't cost a lot of money. There must be something that you would enjoy but that isn't a waste of your time.

heartbroken40 · 19/01/2023 16:18

Unfortunately you'll have to end this. I would be completely put off. Like you, I work incredibly hard and I expect people to have self motivation. Just be kind but say this is not working. He might beg you to reconsider (yuck) but please hold firm. You know those successful youngsters at work? You can clearly see they are hungry for money and business and the hunger comes from inside them

UncleQuentinsWife · 19/01/2023 16:18

And I don't mean forever, just to see what he says when he's not being financially supported.

LittleBoPeepHasLostHerShit · 19/01/2023 16:19

I think it's more than just 'the ick'. He sounds like a bit of a user. Just because he's 'nice' doesn't mean he's good enough for you.

Summerhillsquare · 19/01/2023 16:22

This would suit me fine, provided he did more of the caring/household management. But you are not me!

When you say you are terrified of supporting 4 people on your salary, how do you see others coping with this? Because many do, increasingly women these days.

Zanatdy · 19/01/2023 16:23

I’m not sure I’d rule someone out solely on income or earning potential. Trust me I brought a man into my life when my eldest was young thinking he would be perfect, but he ended up treating him poorly later on. I’d have taken a kind guy who earned less and was good to my kid any day. Stop paying for things, he’s never going to step up like that.

KangarooKenny · 19/01/2023 16:30

He needs to go to his own home, stay an agreed number of nights a week ( I assume that’s easier due to DD) and pay 50:50 on meals etc

Original poster
OreganoOregano · 19/01/2023 16:30

@UncleQuentinsWife I agree and due to childcare, we do spend a lot of time/evenings at mine but it's still money to spend on groceries/cooking for two/takeaways.

@Summerhillsquare I appreciate often families are supported by one salary but this isn't something I wish to do. I would like my partner to be contributing equally to the household.

@heartbroken40 this is it exactly! I would be attracted to that hunger and drive but the lack of work ethic is massively off putting for me.

@Zanatdy I agree, he is fantastic and this is why the decision for me is incredibly tough but I cannot help but think I could afford to do more with DD/put more away for her future if he was able to contribute.

OP posts:
StopFeckingFaffing · 19/01/2023 16:32

It sounds like he may not be suited to the industry you both work in. Commission makes me think sales or recruitment or something along those lines and can involve being quite pushy and thick skinned. It wouldn't suit a lot of people (I know I would hate it and am absolutely not work shy).

You are obviously entitled to end the relationship for any reason so if you feel strongly that your partner needs to be ambitious and successful in this job then it doesn't sound like he is the one for you.

GrumpyPanda · 19/01/2023 16:36

Summerhillsquare · 19/01/2023 16:22

This would suit me fine, provided he did more of the caring/household management. But you are not me!

When you say you are terrified of supporting 4 people on your salary, how do you see others coping with this? Because many do, increasingly women these days.

The trouble with that is that statistically, where the woman outearns the man she usually ends up doing the majority of household chores as well. Pretty well-documented effect - maybe the blokes are lazing off to compensate for feeling emasculated?

Summerhillsquare · 19/01/2023 16:38

@oreganooregano in which case, why go out with him in the first place?

Zanatdy · 19/01/2023 16:38

OreganoOregano · 19/01/2023 16:30

@UncleQuentinsWife I agree and due to childcare, we do spend a lot of time/evenings at mine but it's still money to spend on groceries/cooking for two/takeaways.

@Summerhillsquare I appreciate often families are supported by one salary but this isn't something I wish to do. I would like my partner to be contributing equally to the household.

@heartbroken40 this is it exactly! I would be attracted to that hunger and drive but the lack of work ethic is massively off putting for me.

@Zanatdy I agree, he is fantastic and this is why the decision for me is incredibly tough but I cannot help but think I could afford to do more with DD/put more away for her future if he was able to contribute.

I do agree about doing more for her future if you’ve got more money. I’d set your finances so you are not covering his money. No reason you can’t have separate money. I’d just be careful as you could leave him and find someone else on same money as you and find it’s not as perfect as you want.

OldFan · 19/01/2023 16:44

His pay is fairly normal OP whereas yours isn't. He isn't doing anything 'wrong' but maybe you'd prefer someone in your professional/financial league.

Original poster
OreganoOregano · 19/01/2023 16:46

@GrumpyPanda this is my concern exactly. I cannot be the breadwinner and do everything else too.

@Summerhillsquare it says quite clearly in my OP that we discussed this extensively. I was under the impression that he was aiming to work to be equal, not sit back and allow me to pay for everything.

@StopFeckingFaffing I agree that this may not be the right role for him & I would genuinely support him in anything that he did. Personally I need him to be earning more if we are to work long term and my ick is from him leaning on me too heavily.

OP posts:
SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 19/01/2023 16:47

Your ick is based on a couple of things, both of which will fester.

His work ethic, idea of financial independence, doesn't match yours

You are spending money that could be used for your daughter's security propping up his financial side of your relationship.

You said your ex doesn't pay his responsibilities properly and now you have another man taking from your family pot

I am not surprised you have the ick with him.

Maybe his knack of making you feel safe isn't enough.

SomethingLessIdentifiable · 19/01/2023 16:49

@Dillydollydingdong this is good advice but we wouldn't do anything... which is not how I want to spend my time

You’re essentially paying for his company.

Personally I couldn’t come back from the fact that you had to pick up the tab for lunch with his parents.

If you want to salvage this then you have to put the onus back on him, make it clear the gravy train has stopped.

If he’s coming over to stay tell him “it’s your turn turn to cook, I’ve got nothing in so you’ll need to stop at the supermarket on your way over”.

He can plan and organise some cheap/free dates, he’s a grown man, see what ideas he comes up with.

It will also be a good test of just how much time he wants to spend with you once he realises you’re not paying for everything.

Suzi89 · 19/01/2023 16:51

He’s getting lazy because he has his sugar muma now. You need to stop paying for him.

CocoC · 19/01/2023 16:53

I would find a balance. He needs to be on track to double his earnings. But realistically, based on what you say, it sounds unlikely he will quadruple and catch you up.
If he is a great partner and father, and basically becomes the main carer/cleaner/food preparer etc (so almost a role reversal of what happens in many households) that can work. I have a friend who has this setup. she is a General Manager in a corporate business earning £200k, her husband has his own business, earns about £20k, but does all the school pickups, manages the house etc.
However, if housework etc are 50:50 then it doesn't work.
However, if it makes you less attracted to him etc, then your relationship will be on the rocks... and that becomes the fundamental problem, not what he is or isn't earning.
Is he lazy generally, or just not career focused? The two things are very different. If he is lazy, happy to sponge off you - I would end it. If he works hard but not career focused, it would be different.
And I definitely wouldn't bend over backwards to pay for things for him - keep a bit of an incentive, for the time being.

CiderJolly · 19/01/2023 16:54

I don’t think he can be that kind and lovely if he is happy to let a single mum pay for everything.

Whats to stop him getting a 2nd job? What is his living situation?

ICanHideButICantRun · 19/01/2023 16:54

Personally I couldn’t come back from the fact that you had to pick up the tab for lunch with his parents.

To me, that shows that his family is like that, too. How come they didn't see anything wrong with you paying for everyone's lunch when you have a young child?

That would put me off so much.