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Original poster

Getting the “ick” over money

530 replies

OreganoOregano · 19/01/2023 15:58

Named changed as I’ve spoken to a couple of friends about this.

DP and I have been together around 8 months - were friends for around a year prior to being in a relationship. We met through work and clicked immediately. I had left exH 6 months prior to meeting him. I have a DD who is 3.5. ExH was financially abusive and contributes a minimal amount to her life.

I didn’t initially fancy DP - not my type on paper at all and genuinely saw us as friends but the more I got to know him, the more I found attractive. My main concern before getting together, which we discussed at length before anything happened, was money and finances. I am 10 years into my career, am senior management and a high earner. He retrained to move into his role and took a pay cut. He has the potential to be where I am in around 3-5 years. I told him that for us to realistically work long term, he needs to be earning more.

He is currently earning c£25k. I earn around 4 times that.

We both work in a commission based environment and he has the opportunity to earn good money fairly quickly but you do need to put in hours/graft to be successful.

Initially he was spurred on by me and was working harder to earn money and be successful however, the further into our relationship we get, he isn’t, IMO, doing what is necessary to be successful in this industry.

He has minimal disposal income and I’m naturally picking up the tab for 99% of things including paying for a holiday, paying for all meals out, he will always stay at mine. I’ve even paid for lunches out with his parents however noticing that his work ethic is dying off, I’m beginning to get the ick.

He is genuinely the loveliest, kindest person, is fantastic with my daughter, all my friends and family love him and I genuinely cannot rate him highly enough however I’ve worked really hard to come back from financial ruin after my ex and I need things to be 50:50 or at least on track to be.

We’ve had a conversation about this and he is in agreement with me/has vowed to do more and in his defence, is, but I cannot help feeling less attracted to him because of this.

What would you do in this situation? Head is saying end things. Heart is begging me to give him a chance.

OP posts:
Paq · 19/01/2023 16:56

Dial back to just dating, no overnights at yours, no spending time with your daughter and stop funding stuff.

If sounds like you are not really compatible, no matter how nice he is.

You sound brilliant and like you have your priorities absolutely right.

dottiedodah · 19/01/2023 16:56

I would be cautious .On paper he sounds lovely and kind.However there was another post on here today where a poster had met and married her DH .He is earning a lot less, so in their Divorce he will be able to seek more in the settlement,even though she has put more in! Paying for lunches with his parents,Holidays and so on would put me off I think.

theworldhas · 19/01/2023 16:57

Doesn’t sound like a good match. And I think what you’ve done is a bit unfair on him really. Next time you should just probability just date high earners rather than trying to turn someone into one: even if it was as easy as just work harder which I guess it seldom is. A relationship built on “we can be together as long as you …” doesn’t sound particularly healthy.

Neverhot · 19/01/2023 16:59

How is he such a nice person if he is allowing you to pay for everything? I don't think any decent bloke would be letting a single mum pay for all meals, holidays, etc. I agree your focus should be your dd and not financing him.

Lampzade · 19/01/2023 17:01

Op, this is how you met him and he is unlikely to change. Not all men are super ambitious
I totally understand where you are coming from Op, I lam attracted to very ambitious men. You have to decide whether you are prepared to remain in a relationship with someone who is kind and loving but not ambitious.
Tbh the fact that he expects you to fund everything is a problem,

ICanHideButICantRun · 19/01/2023 17:02

Anyone can be nice and laid back if someone else is carrying the weight of real life for them.

Who wouldn't be nice on a holiday where someone else is paying?

Who wouldn't be cheerful if they'd done fuck all at work and come round to their girlfriend's house to find she's paying for a meal and drinks?

He and his parents should be ashamed of themselves. His mum and dad should have had a long hard word with him about living off you and they should have refused to let you pay for them, too.

BrownDaisy · 19/01/2023 17:04

hmmm, if men earning several multiples of their wives salary all got the ick the population would drop fairly dramatically.

Why do both partners have to earn the same amount?
Will your combined salary of 125k maybe 150k (if he doubles his salary) not be enough to eke a living out of?

Original poster
OreganoOregano · 19/01/2023 17:04

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 19/01/2023 16:47

Your ick is based on a couple of things, both of which will fester.

His work ethic, idea of financial independence, doesn't match yours

You are spending money that could be used for your daughter's security propping up his financial side of your relationship.

You said your ex doesn't pay his responsibilities properly and now you have another man taking from your family pot

I am not surprised you have the ick with him.

Maybe his knack of making you feel safe isn't enough.

This is it summed up. In a nutshell.

OP posts:
poopoopooinyourshoe · 19/01/2023 17:06

If he's still earning 4 times less than you in 6 months and you're still with him you can stop saying "I need things to be 50/50" and accept that you need him more and are willing to pay for him forever.

mcterfald · 19/01/2023 17:07

Suzi89 · 19/01/2023 16:51

He’s getting lazy because he has his sugar muma now. You need to stop paying for him.

This. Stop paying for him!

theworldhas · 19/01/2023 17:07

Is it him “expecting OP to fund everything” or more a case of OP living a lifestyle -dinners, holidays etc which he simply can’t afford, despite being her partner. Many men (and some women) are happy to pay for their partner in a relationship that is financially unequal but probably rewarding in other ways. If your automatic response is that the man in this relationship is taking the piss, then you might as well just say that people should only date/marry people who are earning a very similar income to themselves.

ditalini · 19/01/2023 17:09

You don't have to justify why you're no longer attracted to him. It sounds like you are fundamentally incompatible.

He doesn't have to change the way he is in order to be more attractive to you. To be honest, even if he could then he'd likely fall back to how he was before, or resent you in the long term.

teezletangler · 19/01/2023 17:10

Doesn’t sound like a good match. And I think what you’ve done is a bit unfair on him really. Next time you should just probability just date high earners rather than trying to turn someone into one: even if it was as easy as just work harder which I guess it seldom is. A relationship built on “we can be together as long as you …” doesn’t sound particularly healthy.

I agree with this. It's just not a good match. You want to date someone who is career-driven and a high earner, so you need to start out with that as your red line when dating. It doesn't really sound like there's anything particularly wrong with your partner, but your values aren't matched and you have different priorities. There's nothing wrong with that but "you can't change a man" etc etc

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 19/01/2023 17:12

theworldhas · 19/01/2023 17:07

Is it him “expecting OP to fund everything” or more a case of OP living a lifestyle -dinners, holidays etc which he simply can’t afford, despite being her partner. Many men (and some women) are happy to pay for their partner in a relationship that is financially unequal but probably rewarding in other ways. If your automatic response is that the man in this relationship is taking the piss, then you might as well just say that people should only date/marry people who are earning a very similar income to themselves.

For a woman with a feckless ex who doesn't support his child properly income is going to be important.

And if financial parity is important to some then nobody should try and shame them for it.

JorisBonson · 19/01/2023 17:12

I thought this post was from someone who had been married for several years, never mind an 8 month relationship. Throw this one back.

Changingplace · 19/01/2023 17:15

I think it’s quite unrealistic to expect someone to have doubled their salary from £25k to £50k in 8 months - I’d love to earn £50k, if it was that easy everyone would!

If you resent paying for him then stop, you’re under no obligation to financially subsidise him.

Whats his living situation, does he have just own place?

yousexybugger · 19/01/2023 17:16

Please don't take this the wrong way but if I'm honest, I think your attraction to him sounds quite fragile and if it wasn't money it would be something else. Don't get me wrong, I think you like him. I can tell that you see him rationally as a good man, who has potential as a partner, but is that really as a partner for you, or for someone else?

Many of us have been in that position. Liked someone platonically, and were briefly seduced by their lovely qualities, stability and kindness only for that attraction to soon burn out.

It's impossible to say without knowing your profession how obvious it is whether he's just not trying, or whether he's just doing things a bit differently to you, but I wouldn't want or expect a partner to be micromanaging my career trajectory 8 months in. I'm really sorry your last partner was financially abusive, but there is a lot of grey area between that and someone being perfectly hardworking and decent but not on 100k. So, if you do like this guy a lot, maybe you could try being more assertive with your financial boundaries so that if the 'right one', be that this guy or someone else, doesn't have an equal salary, then you are sharing the load more equally either by doing things they can afford, or not including them in everything, for instance.

Certainly don't be so quick to do things like pick up the tab for their whole family.

Regarding the money side of things, I think that's worth having a think about separately to this man in terms of whether earning power in and of itself is a real priority in a partner (as tbh, the majority of people don't earn 6 figures). Rather, could be a question of setting firmer boundaries as above. If that is the priority then fine. But find someone who is already there rather than trying to chivvy someone along who may or may not get there in a few years.

Eatentoomanyroses · 19/01/2023 17:19

If you find a man on a bike leave him on it.
You’re trying to make him into something he isn’t. He won’t thank you for it. These types will drain your bank account and sleep with your mother given half a chance.
Next!

Noicant · 19/01/2023 17:20

It’s the bit about letting you pay for everything that gets me. It’s different if he’s happy with his wages and just pays his way and declines anything he can’t afford but there’s something unpleasant about someone who expects a single parent to pick up the bill for stuff. Not surprised you have the ick.

BrownDaisy · 19/01/2023 17:23

Eatentoomanyroses · 19/01/2023 17:19

If you find a man on a bike leave him on it.
You’re trying to make him into something he isn’t. He won’t thank you for it. These types will drain your bank account and sleep with your mother given half a chance.
Next!

If you find a woman on a bike leave her on it.
You’re trying to make her into something she isn’t. She won’t thank you for it. These types will drain your bank account and sleep with your father given half a chance.
Next!

Tigresses · 19/01/2023 17:23

Noicant · 19/01/2023 17:20

It’s the bit about letting you pay for everything that gets me. It’s different if he’s happy with his wages and just pays his way and declines anything he can’t afford but there’s something unpleasant about someone who expects a single parent to pick up the bill for stuff. Not surprised you have the ick.

This.

How does this actually happen?

How do three grown adults eat and drink in a restaurant and don’t pay?

Did you agree to it - or did they just brazenly sit it out?

Annabel073 · 19/01/2023 17:25

hmmm, if men earning several multiples of their wives salary all got the ick the population would drop fairly dramatically.

To be fair, some of them do. Quite a few men I know have chosen high earning women as a new partner following a divorce specifically for this reason.

Teridavis · 19/01/2023 17:26

If I was him I would leave you.

go find someone who earns more money if that’s all you care about.

couldn’t bare to be in a relationship where the other person looks down on me… he’s even made the effort with your child as well.

notacooldad · 19/01/2023 17:27

To be honest it sounds like your relationship has moved too fast and you are at the 'partner' stage after 8 months together and staying over at yours a few times a week. He is getting to know your daughter when you don't even know him properly.

I wouldn't be impressed with having to pay for virtually everything all the time.
In your shoes I would revert to being friends again.

KettrickenSmiled · 19/01/2023 17:28

OreganoOregano · 19/01/2023 16:14

@Aprilx I appreciate his earnings are not going to change drastically in 8 months but my ick is me working consistently hard and every hour I can to be successful and him working the minimal hours to bring home just his basic salary and allowing me to fund everything.

To be fair - you are enabling his allowing you to fund everything by continuing to do it. So do as a PP suggested, & STOP.

You'll soon see if he steps up once he realises that you are not going to continue as main breadwinner. It might mean you also doing without whatever higher-income activities you enjoy for a while, but will give you an opportunity to assess how hard he is prepared to work if you stop providing.

You also need to STOP trying to change him.
Accept him for who he is, or let him go - either option is valid for you, but don't make both of you unhappy by tolerating something that you want to change, & ending up with a dynamic of frustration & resentment on both sides.