Do you feel attractive? Sexy? How?

[OutOfPetrol]

Just that really.

I'm in a really bad place at the moment. I haven't had a sexual relationship that lasted longer than 6 months (and most have been around 3) until now and I'm finding the whole thing really difficult.

But I don't feel sexy. I've become preoccupied with how physically unattractive I am and how unsexy I feel to the point I'm on the verge of ending an otherwise good relationship.

I don't know what to do.

It's a tricky one because a lot of the enjoyment from sex comes from being relaxed and not thinking too much about things like this.

Are there any particular clothes that you feel good in? Can you change the lighting to something you're more comfortable with? Would a couple of glasses of bubbly help?

Thee are clothes I think I look OK in but I don't ever feel attractive or sexy.

Lighting is fine. It doesn't make a difference really because I am what I am.

A couple of glasses of wine or beer takes my mind off it a little but I feel disgusted with myself and foolish the following day

Doesn't your partner respond to you in a way that makes you feel the way you want to feel?

If not, I'd suggest that the relationship isn't actually that good.

I dont think most people walk about in their daily lives feeling sexy, it's not a requirement for happiness. But it's part of the role of many relationships to ignite your sexuality.

Does your partner find you sexy? How do they convey that to you?

What's making you feel that way the next day? Is it bringing up bad memories? Is your partner making you do anything you don't want to do?

This doesn't sound like it's about your actual looks? Do you know why you feel this way? Have you ever explored it with a professional?

Ok so this is about your deep feelings coming up, about how you feel about yourself.
is there something you’ve ever fancied trying or enjoy like dancing? Dancing makes me feel like a goddess. So does a good bubble Bath.
Is there a good friend you can chat this through with?
If not how about looking up and or finding a CBT person, it might help to follow some of the exercises.

it helped me to recognise when I was telling myself lies about myself such as I’m stupid and inadequate and helped me stop this and helped me re wire my brain to be nicer to myself.

My self esteem is closely linked to how much I exercise.
even if I am doing only enough to maintain my mental health (the endorphins are like medicine), not getting super lean or anything, I always feel happier and more confident.
I don’t know if this is the kind of thing you are looking for, but when i do stop working out, like I did recently for nearly a year,I always find myself in a bit if a funk, feeling unhappy about myself, not interested in sex, withdrawn from friendships.

And to answer your question ... if I look at myself in the mirror and focus on the wrinkles on my neck, or my swivelly eyes :D then I don't feel sexy, obviously. But I feel sexy if I put on some good music and dance about with my dog, have a relaxing shower and do my hair, remind myself that I have quite nice long legs, listen to a funny podcast, eat something tasty, read something that I can talk about to my bf and make him laugh, then go out on the town with him and have a good time. We live apart so I'll do some of these things before going over, and when he opens the door I'll make a point of trying to infect him with my positivity (if he doesn't do it with me), as when one of us is in a good mood it tends to cheer the other up. I don't have the energy for it every day, of course, but you have to make an effort, right?

Does your partner find you sexy? How do they convey that to you?

He says he does but I don't really see how it's possible. I don't dres in a way that could be considered sexy. I don't behave in a way that could be considered sexy. There's nothing remotely attractive about me.

Is your partner making you do anything you don't want to do?

No, nothing like that.

He has asked a couple of times if I'd 'dress up' but I just find the idea of it really degrading and dehumanising. I've never 'dressed up' for sex. It makes me feel that I'm not sexy and he's trying to suggest things that would make me tolerable to him. Which has the opposite effect of making me feel sexy.

He says it's not that at all and he'd never try to change me but he also can't give me any reason why he's suggested it (a few times now) other than "it was just a joke".

I get he feels uncomfortable discussing it but it makes me feel that he won't talk about it because I wouldn't like the truth.

He says he loves me and everything about me and that I'm everything he ever wanted. I just wonder why his standards are so low.

Ok, so I'm embarking on a year to find my confidence. I turn 39 next week and I'm single but I had been with my ex for 15years.

I've booked a boudoir shoot for next week. Apparently it does wonders for your self sexiness! I'll let you know how it goes but it's one of the 12 'challenges' I have set myself to get to know myself again.

Have you thought about something as out there as that?

Lots of men like their partners to dress up, even if their partner is a 24yo busty blonde bombshell. It would put me off too, but just because it smacks of porn/sleaze - not because it said anything about me.

Your self-esteem is non-existent, why?

A boudoir shoot?? I avoid photos on holidays and my birthday when I'm standing at the back facing away from the camera! I wouldn't be able to even look at the photos in case it traumatised further!

I hope you enjoy it though.

The only thing that has ever worked for me is being healthy and fit. I have an ugly face, as told to me many times, so I know there's nothing I can do about that, but physically at least I can feel good about myself.

I don't dres in a way that could be considered sexy. I don't behave in a way that could be considered sexy.
My dp dresses in baggy jeans and a plain shirt. It looks sexy. He grins cheekily. That looks sexy. What do you think is a sexy way of dressing or acting?

Your self-esteem is non-existent, why?

I just don't feel I'm worth anything.

Are you depressed? Were you bullied in school? Abused by your parents?

I don't know, tbh. That's why I'm asking other women to see if there is something I'm missing.

I know what men find sexy but I'm not that. Does that mean I'm just not? Is my feeling unsexy and unattractive linked to that?

I think we as women have been taught to objectify ourselves so we end up a bit “out of body” during sex, seeing ourselves from afar - how do I look? Am I acting sexy? Am I being sexy? I think the way to feel sexy is to concentrate on how you feel, what feels good, warm feelings towards your partner, what they are doing, not think about how you look and try and relate that to feeling sexy. This book is good - www.amazon.co.uk/Come-You-Are-surprising-transform/dp/1925228010

I highly doubt your partner would think you were anything but sexy. We always have hangups about ourselves that our other halfs dont even see!
I look like a potato 99% of the time, greasy hair, bags under my eyes, no make up but my husband is always down to make lurrrve haha. He doesnt see me the way I see myself. Women are naturally very self critical.
I thought once that Id spice things up and buy a sexy all in one underpiece thing, came into the bedroom and my husband said I looked like a wrestler 😫🤣 I guess I'm lucky in a way that he doesn't care what I wear he loves me for me.

I'm not depressed. Although I'm feeling very low at the moment. But that is the result of how I'm feeling about myself not the cause of it.

Lots of abuse in childhood where I was told I was useless, worthless and no one would ever want me. I could go into details but I'd be here all day. I've had therapy and I'm fine when I'm single but I just crumble when I'm in a relationship. I know that if I ended it I'd be sad at losing him but I'd feel so much happier about myself.

I know he's worried I'm going to break up with him. He hasn't said anything beyond asking if I'm OK and saying he's worried about me/us because I've completely withdrawn from him this weekend. He's staying in touch with me as usual but I know he's hurting and that just makes me feel bad too.

your partner finds you sexy and attractive and is giving you good feedback but something is stopping you listening and accepting it. Of course everyone isn't sexy in an overt sexualised way, have you been into town on a Sat and looked at everyone holding hands- they are not dressed 'sexy' but like ordinary people, who enjoy each other's company, and that for most people involves a sexual element in their relationship. I think getting some therapy would help, I don't say that in a trivial way, I hate therapy but I know it does me good! you are sabotaging yourself here and I don't think we or your partner know why but if you want things to be different then something has to change.

I don’t. I used to when i was a little slimmer and exercising 3x a week. Which also coincided with my dating days, so dressing up and going out often. Also making myself presentable for the office every day.

Now i'm at my postpandemic weight, never exercise, work from home in PJs half the time and i've gotten a little too comfortable in my relationship.

I need to lose a few kg to get back into my sexy clothes and get my mojo back.

I'm sorry as I didn't see your latest message, I would go back to therapy or a different therapist and directly ask for support for when you are in a relationship. Something is driving you into these relationships, so you are obviously not happy alone, you are trying to get out as it feels more comfortable and safe, but then you get back in and the cycle continues. you're pretty brave to post on here, so take some of that bravery and put it into working on this part of yourself, you aren't that little girl from your childhood but she keeps popping up when you get happier to spoil things, so I do think you'll need to work on that to move forward.

your partner finds you sexy and attractive and is giving you good feedback but something is stopping you listening and accepting it.

I'm not convinced about the first half of that sentence but I agree with the second half.

In fact, when I read it, I could feel my whole brain on high alert doing the mental.eqivalent of sticking it's fingers in my ears and shouting la la la, I can't hear you.

The words made me feel disgusting to read.

I've got a huge ball of tension in the back of my throat.

All I want to do is hide away

You've had therapy, but you're still not convinced that it's your upbringing making you feel bad. It is, though. Perhaps it's time for a little refresher course/chat with your GP again? Therapy isn't a cure for this type of issue, but it can help relieve the symptoms. That obviously requires ongoing treatment, though.

You don't have to be in a relationship. Leaving your dp might make you happier. But it would also be running away from your issues, which wouldn't help you develop as a person. And from what you've said so far, you'd also be unhappy about not having a long-term relationship.

Does a "fake it til you make it" attitude ever help in the short term?