Do you feel attractive? Sexy? How?

[OutOfPetrol]

Just that really.

I'm in a really bad place at the moment. I haven't had a sexual relationship that lasted longer than 6 months (and most have been around 3) until now and I'm finding the whole thing really difficult.

But I don't feel sexy. I've become preoccupied with how physically unattractive I am and how unsexy I feel to the point I'm on the verge of ending an otherwise good relationship.

I don't know what to do.

It's fine to choose to be single if that's how you see yourself most happy, but there must have been a reason you started dating this man?

You sound like me! For years I felt unattractive and that I needed to be ‘porny’ and ‘sexy’ in bed. It’s a horrible message we women pick up somehow. Though suspect media has a lot to do with it. One day I just could not be bothered to cavort about and told him I was going to stay still and he had to seduce me. Well! With the pressure off to do anything I was able to relax and really focus on each feeling, the warmth of the bed, the softness of the pillow etc. so nice to think of enjoying sensations instead of having to give them.

I do feel sexy and attractive

but that’s kind of irrelevant as I haven't lived your experiences OP

im desperately sad to read this

sometimes romantic relationships are , even for survivors their Achilles heel

your really not alone in having this insecurity , and yes yours is extreme

are you having therapy ?

can you talk and say that your anguish is great you fear that being single might be better

I don’t have much advice but a lot of compassion
be kind to yourself

Unlearning that is a long hard process.

I'm not sure I have the inclination to try anymore if I'm honest. I'm too old and too tired

I've had various over the years - cbt, 'brief therapy' (no idea - it wasn't called anything else), common or garden counselling and the last time I self referred, they put me forward for DBT. I had only just started when I changed job within workplace and was no longer able to attend the only suitable time slot because it fell in a time that i had to be in work..

You might not see it, but it's not the case that people like their partner to dress up because they don't like them. A guy might look particularly nice in a suit on his wedding day, but his wife doesn't leave him or love him any less as soon as he puts on something more comfortable.

I've been bought underwear and shoes and outfits several times over the years and it definitely wasn't because I'm ugly.

You're interpreting everything in the worst possible way. If he says he wants to be with you and that he finds you sexy, there's no reason why he would be lying, unless you think he's a complete psychopath? You certainly wouldn't be doing him a favour by dumping him in case he secretly wants you to.

You need to trust your boyfriend to decide if you are what he needs. Why do you think you know better than him? What if he broke up with you because he thought he wasn't good enough for you!

He's lovely. We've known each other for a few years. I'd fallen for him and hadn't even realised because I'm just so disconnected from that sort of thing.

I was really wary about going out with him because my relationship history is laughable - I've dated but only casually really but never had a real serious relationship. But he made it aound so safe. I think I also just feel a bit foolish because I believed that he loved me and now I just feel that I'm not good enough in his eyes.

But he's communicating that I'm not enough as I am. He doesn't need to tell me directly.

If he ended it for any reason, I'd respect his decision.

He does need to tell you directly otherwise this is all just speculation.

Your post has made me cry. Yes, anguish is a perfect way of describing it. That is what I feel.

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way OP, and experiencing such low self esteem. Have you thought that perhaps there is something inside you that doesn't want to feel attractive or sexy? That you are putting up walls to the possibility? That you are protecting yourself from something? Or listening to voices from your past? Whenever we suffer trauma we can remain stuck in that moment, at that stage in our lives. It can be very hard to move on when we have a broken child inside us to nurture.
Maybe the right therapy might help unlock things for you? I really hope you manage to find the inner self worth you need to value your own beauty, sexuality and sensuality. With that comes the desrire to want to share it.

I've been bought underwear and shoes and outfits several times over the years and it definitely wasn't because I'm ugly.

Well that's the difference then. I've never been bought anything ever. Except for these shoes a few years ago and now this.

I know the other man I briefly dated didn't think I was attractive or sexy.

He wouldn't have said "Would you dress up like X for me." if I was enough for him.

He wouldn't have said "She looks really good. You should.wear that" if I was enough.

I think I just want to be on my own.

I'd be sad because I'd miss him and we get on really well and have a lot of fun together but this is all I can think about now.

But he's communicating that I'm not enough as I am. He doesn't need to tell me directly.

How is he communicating this? By saying he'd like you to dress up in the bedroom? From experience when a partner has suggested this for me or bought me sexy outfits it's because he DOES find me attractive and would enjoy seeing me in it. If he didn't find you sexually attractive he'd have no interest in seeing you dressed up all sexy

From what you've said on all your posts I don't think this is an issue your dp or any one on here can resolve. It seems so deep rooted in your own self beliefs that he doesn't stand a chance. You won't believe he loves you or is attracted to you until you believe it about yourself

I've had a guy say that exact same thing to me. Do you think that was because I'm ugly and not good enough?

Would you be sort of relieved if he ended it, because it would fit in with your view of yourself, and it's peaceful when you're on your own?

I don't think he is communicating that you're not good enough by suggesting you dress up for sex. Sexy lingerie/footwear are kind of erotic dogwhistles/markers, I don't think they mean guys don't find women attractive as they are.

But if he's a decent guy, if you tell him "don't bring up me dressing up again" he should respect that. If he doesn't then he needs a kick up the jacksy.

How did you interpret it?

Then perhaps OP, it isn't about attractiveness or sexuality but something deeper that you wish to avoid - namely intimacy? It could be the wrong person for you and that you might crave intimacy with an imagined other person, or it could be that the thought of intimacy is uncomfortable for you?

I don't think he would bring it up again. I rolled my eyes the first couple of times hoping he'd just not mention it again but I did tell him not to over the weekend.

He's only mentioned it a very small number of times anyway. But it's felt like a dig every time. It's just.made me feel.disgusted withyself, she for.not.being enough, stupid rha ti believed he loved me and meant it when he said I was everything he'd ever wanted.

Clearly that's not true. How would the relationship survive me never doing it anyway? How long before he looked elsewhere. Would he be disappointed when he looked at me? Feel he was missing out? I'd rather leave him now and let him find someone who can be what he wants.

I don't know if I'd feel relieved if he ended it tbh. I'd rather he ended it because he wanted more than I could give him than ended it because I'm a fuck up. But I crave the peace now.

I hadn't thought about that. But you might have a point about intimacy. Although it is the other stuff too.

My parents (one in particular) set out to destroy me. It worked and I'm too tired now I think. I'm just tired. I want to get back to living with blinkers on, keeping my head down, getting through it until its all over.

Due to my past relationships I can have a tendency to feel insecure and not good enough.

When I feel this way I always go back to this way of thinking.

I've assumed you're in a similar position to me:

You are financially independent of each other.
No financial ties and and doesn't financially benefit from being with you.
You don't live together
You have no DC together
No legal commitments (marriage etc)
There is no advantage for him to stay with you other than he wants to.

Speaking from my own situation my DP is an attractive man, funny, caring, decent job. Wouldn't have any problems in getting another gf if he wanted to.

If all this is also true of your situation then why do you believe he is choosing to stay with you? What is he getting from it other than he wants to be with you, loves your company, finds you attractive, enjoys the sex etc.

He's with you because he wants to be. No-one is forcing him to be. If he didn't find you attractive at this stage of a relationship it would be so easy for him to end it. But he's not. Because he likes you. For you.

But aren't there times where you think about him - "oh he looks attractive in that suit / with that beard trim/hair cut" or that he'd look good in a particular colour or fit of clothes?

It wouldn't mean you don't find him attractive or disgusting the rest of the time as well, would it?

I'm not a therapist or anything, but do you think you might subconsciously be pushing him away by interpreting his actions and words in the way that you are because you're scared of him rejecting you and being like the guys before him who you say you knew for sure didn't find you attractive or sexy (and that's their issue btw, not yours, of course)?

Fear of rejection, especially when you've had a traumatic childhood, can mess with your head in adulthood without you realising it and it tends to show in romantic relationships more than anywhere else e.g. pushing your partner away because you feel they'd be better off without you because of course how could you possibly be worthy of them. It's easier than facing your partner doing what you might believe to be on the horizon i.e. rejecting you outright because you think he thinks you're not good enough.

Tbh, no. I always adore him. When he's done his hair for a night out, I think he looks particularly gorgeous but otherwise, no I love him and fancy him noatter what he wears.

But even then, I love his hair. I don't want him to try and copy someone else because I fancy them.