Do you feel attractive? Sexy? How?

[OutOfPetrol]

Just that really.

I'm in a really bad place at the moment. I haven't had a sexual relationship that lasted longer than 6 months (and most have been around 3) until now and I'm finding the whole thing really difficult.

But I don't feel sexy. I've become preoccupied with how physically unattractive I am and how unsexy I feel to the point I'm on the verge of ending an otherwise good relationship.

I don't know what to do.

'A decent partner' isn't an objective trait. OP has not finding his suggestion/joke decent, so he's not a decent partner for her. If he was, she wouldn't be posting here.

I'm not saying he wouldn't be a good partner. I'm saying he's not necessarily right for OP, and she shouldn't be encouraged to believe that he is, when she's come to a forum struggling with recognising that this man might not be for her. 'Oh yes he is!' isn't supportive, and minimises her discomfort even further than she's already doing herself.

It's your self esteem that's the issue not whether you are sexy or not. Being sexy comes from within. Laugh a lot , smile a lot get a good hair cut. Meet with friends and have fun. That's what makes a person attractive. Not a mirror

Having felt as you do in the past, apart from a lot of talk therapy, the more immediately accessible ways that helped have been:

A daily routine of self care.

Going to a store stylist be given advice about colours and styles that may suite my colouring and shape… you would be amazed what a huge difference this can make to your appearance, some stores have this option free.

Seeing a department store makeup artist, for the same reason as above, although I only wear full regalia makeup on special occasions.
They also advised me about the best cleaning and moisturise routine for my skin, don’t skimp too much on this if possible.

Good quality lovely scented toiletries like shower gels and body lotions… this is as good a mood enhancer as drugs first thing in the day my opinion.

Trawl the shops for a scent that makes you happy and make it your signature, it has been proven that scent can change your mood for the better.

Focus on not sweating the small stuff and making people happy… it’s incredible the avalanche of love and respect you get back when you do this altruistically because it’s the right good thing to do.

Smile more, it’s contagious, and think the best of people before you jump to the worst suspicions, and people will swarm to you because you’ll make them want to be their best selves, you will be a source of encouragement for others.

Thank of how others are feeling first, it’s a good antidote and escape from feeling overwhelmed by your own negative emotions.

Take up a sport that strengthens your body, endorphins will lift you up, you will feel healthier and more alive, think of your body as a baby in your care you need to look after, would you tell that baby it is ugly or fat? You would simply care for the baby.

When all of this becomes habit, you won’t have the time or the will to berate yourself for how you look… you will have far more important things to do and fun to have…!

Start with one small tiny tiniest thing… then tomorrow another tiny thing… it doesn’t matter how tiny it is as long as you begin… there will eventually be a surprising snowball effect. Trust me I’ve been there. I was so depressed and disliked myself so much I couldn’t get out of bed!

The man is not as important as this vital work you need to do… your relationship will fall into place when you care for yourself and heal yourself. You will have your choice of men. Honestly.

This sums up the situation perfectly

I think you may have posted about 6his before? For me, feeling sexy is correlated to how I feel about myself, my confidence etc. It takes a dive before my period generally and comes back around ovulation. I try to maintain a healthy weight and lifestyle as this helps my mood. It starts, I think, with how you view yourself. I would suggest therapy x

You sound so, so sad OP, are you sure you’re not overthinking about this? Your DP sounds lovely.
i do have some idea how you feel because my H’s porn addiction made me always feel that he wanted me to do/look/ behave like something he’d watched.
It killed my sex life dead.
Perhaps you need to have a heart to heart with your DP to try and work through this? Sending you a hug.

Sorry I’ve not read every post so may have been mentioned, but one tip is to accept compliments, even if you have to ‘fake it til you make it.

So, ‘you look lovely!’. Response ‘well thank you very much, you’re not too shabby yourself’. Or just ‘thank you! Now, shall we go out?’.

Don’t bat compliments away or put yourself down. Actually, it’s not as selfish as it sounds, it’s nice for the compliment-giver too.

Then he said please stop it when I tried to respond and told me that I was the sexiest woman he'd ever known which is also obviously not true either because a) I'm not sexy at all and b) he asked me to dress like someone else because those women are.

I don't think it necessarily means that at all OP. Most men would like any woman they're dating to wear stuff like that in bed sometimes (I'm not saying it's a good thing and I wouldn't do it myself nowadays.) It's just clothes that they see as particularly 'sexy.' It's not necessarily comparing you to any other woman.

But if he's nagged more than once for something in bed that you've said you don't want to do, that is a dumping offence to me as it's manipulative.

told me that I was the sexiest woman he'd ever known which is also obviously not true either because a) I'm not sexy at all
This is a bit like if he said "This meal is delicious" and you said "You're lying because it contains aubergine and I hate aubergine".

Thank you such for all the replies!

The posts I lade this morning rlhave early helped me ro consolidate the problem in my head in a way I feel that I could talk to him about it cleaely and properly.

So I'm going to.

It's quite right that this is the only thing that that's been an issue in the relationship. He's utterly lovely. Which is why it's floored me so badly.

I probably haven't, until this weekend, said a hard no. I'm a bit embarrassed that I'm so 'damaged' sexually and that I've got so little experience by the age I am. So i just clam up inside and give a generally non committal answer.

He stuck around mine all day on Sunday amd eventually said he was going because he felt his presence was asking me feel worse. He was right but he was giving me space, I barely spoke to him and spent most.of the day in bed. He just tidied the house for me. I know that's not good for either of us. He's worried about me and worried about us.

I still don't know if we will split up or stay together but it needs to he the right decision for both of us.

I do love him though.

I just need to he really honest with him and for him to be honest with me.

I just need to he really honest with him and for him to be honest with me

This is a brilliant conclusion to reach, @OutOfPetrol It's the only way to have a healthy relationship. Good luck with your conversation with him.

Whoa. Some of the analogies from the super smart posters here have been so brilliant! So impressed with the support.

Please take off the blinkers OP, there are a million other wonderful ways to see the world, please don’t lock up the vulnerable abused little girl in you looking to you for help in a dark, bleak, despair ridden box… she doesn’t deserve that, show her the beautiful light and colours in the world. Come into the light where you can see better. Everything looks different out here.

You just have to give yourself new eyes and a new perspective. The possibility that what you have always believed may not be true, but indeed, an awful lie!

I missed this before.

I understand what you're saying. I suppose that's just not how it feels to me.

I can't really think of an appropriate analogy at the moment. I suppose if I felt better about myself maybe I'd have interpreted it differently. But then I think but it doesn't change the reality.

No one else has ever complimented me. Certainly not naked anyway. I don't have a 'nice' figure. I'm not conventionally attractive. I have really good skin. That's about all I can say for myself. If other people had thought I was 'sexy' then maybe I'd consider it to be a possibility. Maybe it would feel more normal.

We went out a couple of months ago and he pointed a woman out who he'd dated in his early 20s and hadn't seen since. She was very attractive. I've met his ex wife. She's not 'pretty' (well she was when they married) but she's got an amazing body. When he's been with women like that, how can I be anything?

I still don't know what I want or how I feel about being with him. It's hard because I'm not exaggerating when I say my sexual history is next to nothing.

I'm just very much out of my comfort zone and realm of experience even being in this relationship. And I'm not sure I even like it or want to be in one.

I agree OP it's maybe time to consider whether you want to, or can be, in a relationship atm. Which isn't to say you couldn't be one day. The fact is what we all find desirable is hugely subjective. There is no objective reality about it. My dp says he finds me the most attractive woman ever 😂 I'm not daft enough to think he hasn't seen more attractive women with his eyes, but I dont doubt for a second this is what he believes to be true. Its the entire package, and how 2 people work together, and how you make your partner feel when you're around them. These are all part of attraction

@OutOfPetrol, do you believe in love?

That makes sense.

How lovely it must he to hear that and believe it!

That would sound like insincere flattery or saying what they thought was expected to me. My boyfriend told me I was the most beautiful woman in his life when we first got together.

I know some women would he offended by that. Not the most beautiful woman he'd ever dated or the most beautiful woman in the world. I wasn't because I know that, objectively I'm not either of those things. But his life? Right now? Possible he could believe that... in the early days at least.

But I hate being compared even when I'm compared favourably because I know that there will be times I'm compared negatively. I'd rather just not be compared at all.

That's a really hard one to answer...

Do you think then that you'd prefer to have no flattery at all? Like none of the 'I love your eyes' stuff etc? I mean, you could try saying to him....I really appreciate that you love all these things about me but for whatever reason it makes me very uncomfortable when you say it....? Would that help? If he just didn't verbally express these things?

Have you thought about what has drawn you into this relationship if it is not a love you strongly feel and it sounds like you do not believe in his love for you?

@OutOfPetrol - have a look at this article on core beliefs;

www.betterrelationships.org.au/well-being/core-beliefs-self-acceptance

I'm a remedial hypnotist and I can tell you there's parts of your subconscious mind that want to change the way you think about yourself; to become the adult woman rather than the abused child. You CAN fix this.

Fantastic resource @Eyesopenwideawake, thank you very much.

OP go and get a fake tan done. Tomorrow if you can.

I know you've got these challenges at the moment and it's great you are reflecting. But honestly go and get a spray tan tomorrow. Shave, scrub, wear lose fitting clothes and get it done. You will feel amazing after.

Also with the dressing up, some men like that shit, some don't. It's nothing to do with you, it's their preference. You don't want to dress up and that's fine.

Start doing nice things for yourself. Get up in the morning and put music on. Treat yourself to something different once a week that is around your looks/body - whether it's a tan, eyebrow threading, a packet of stick on nails if you're broke, a new pair of pants. Do something for yourself every single bloody week. And force yourself to smile for 5 minutes every day. You'll be okay

OriGanOver

im not sure if the OP will do this 🤣

but you’ve reminded me of the benefits of a January spray tan

I will have one actually

since I’ve been dating I’ve been doing what you said - and it does help actually

Maybe she won't @Thisisworsethananticpated 😂

OP, for me, I have found forcing myself out of my comfort zone time and time again works for those type of negative thought patterns. I am a super confident person in lots of ways - I could walk into any pub, join in a group, go for interviews, speak at conferences, guest lecture, hold training sessions - really confident. But I couldn't go to a gym/pool by myself, or anything recreational like the cinema. I forced myself to go swimming alone. I felt terrified and the first few times almost ran out the changing room. But I did it, and each time I stayed longer in the pool, then I progressed to being alone in the gym, then a class! I now don't think twice about whether my friend will come for a swim/gym with me now. I just go!

Force yourself out of your comfort zone. Tell your brain to shut up. Then when nothing bad happens after a few times the anxiety/thoughts won't hold so much power over you.

Maybe you actually need some sexy clothes as well. Even if you just wear them for yourself.

If the scenario was reversed and you bought him a new cologne for Christmas to wear because you thought it smelt nice. Maybe it was something fun in a funny bottle.
He decided this means you think he is repugnant and not sexy.
What would you do if everything you said to explain that it was just a gift was battered away as insincere?
He refused to give you the benefit of the doubt.

You don’t have to continue this relationship if it’s causing you so much pain, but you sound like you do deep down want it to work out.
For this to work you will need to make a choice to forgive him.