Do you feel attractive? Sexy? How?

[OutOfPetrol]

Just that really.

I'm in a really bad place at the moment. I haven't had a sexual relationship that lasted longer than 6 months (and most have been around 3) until now and I'm finding the whole thing really difficult.

But I don't feel sexy. I've become preoccupied with how physically unattractive I am and how unsexy I feel to the point I'm on the verge of ending an otherwise good relationship.

I don't know what to do.

I'm not worried about him rejecting me outright. I'm scared of him making do with me and secretly wishing I was better/more/someone else.

I thought, oh this guy's keen. And I was quite pleased for the excuse to get new stuff on someone else's dime.

But my point is, if that didn't instantly jump out to you that I must be deeply unattractive, you're being unfair to yourself to come to that conclusion about you.

It sounds like you're bullying yourself, honestly.

But I can see myself. I know what i look like. I'd look utterly ridiculous at best and utterly hideous at worst. I don't much fancy finding out which it is.

And I certainly wouldn't look anything like the women he wants me to look like!

I'm not worried about him rejecting me outright. I'm scared of him making do with me and secretly wishing I was better/more/someone else.

Why would he make do with you though? Surely it would be easy for him to leave a relationship of 6 months. There are no ties or commitments keeping you together

When I asked him about it at the weekend, he first of all denied wanting me to look like anyone else and then said it was just a joke.

It was a pretty cruel joke.

It's been neaely 18 months. My longest previous sexual relationship was 6 months most have only been around 3.

He says he wouldn't want anyone else.

I'm not worried about him rejecting me outright. I'm scared of him making do with me and secretly wishing I was better/more/someone else.

But isn't that also a form of rejection if you think he's not 100% accepting you for who you are?

I understand how you feel, I really do. However I think regardless of whether this guy does actually find you attractive and sexy or not, you need to find yourself attractive, sexy and worthy first. Easier said than done of course, especially if you were told the opposite in your early years, which inevitably lay the foundations for our core beliefs as an adult.

I was out shopping with my DP a few weeks ago. He pointed out a very very short & tight fitted dress. Not my usually style in the slightest. He said "what about that, you'd look great in it?"

I didn't think he wanted me to be someone else. I was flattered that he thought I'd look good in it and took it as a compliment. The fact he wanted to see me in it made me think he was attracted to me.

Still wasn't my style and I said as much....but I was still flattered. Didn't make me think he wanted someone who would wear that style nor did it make me think he didn't like me the way I was.

But isn't it because he thinks it would suit you, not because he wishes you were someone else? He's not talking about putting a bag over your head, presumably 🙂

I always love and fancy my bf too, but sometimes he looks particularly good in something.

It's not unusual for women to have erotic triggers too, like I dunno, the man in uniform cliché - doesn't mean they don't fancy their blokes jusr in their normal clobber.

I do think this is about your view of yourself as unlovable.

Hi OP.
Follow Hellojennykeane on instagram. She always gives tips for stuff like this and runs courses etc.
You missed the live q&a yesterday where she talked about lots of these things like not feeling worthy or sexy etc but it's a common theme in her stories etc.

*It's been neaely 18 months. My longest previous sexual relationship was 6 months most have only been around 3.

He says he wouldn't want anyone else*.

My point still stands. If you have no kids/financial ties and he is actively choosing to be with you, it's because he wants to.

If he wanted to be with someone else he would.

This sounds like you not feeling good enough about yourself to believe someone would choose to be with you over anyone else

You're already the woman he wants you to look like. I'm sure he's told you that?

It's not about what he does or doesn't think anyway. It's what you think about yourself that makes you think he's thinking things like that. It's a confirmation bias - if you scrutinise everything he says for negative context, you'll find it.

I totally get it. I didn't have the best childhood myself. You don't want to be hurt again, feel uncomfortable with being close to another person, and feel like things are a lot safer when it's just you and you don't need to worry about other people's opinions. Other people can say the most awful things sometimes and it's very hard when you know how badly someone could hurt you if they wanted to, especially if you've experienced this from your primary caregivers as a child. You've experienced a lot of criticism, but replicating it because it feels safe, and isolating yourself from future intimacy are destructive coping mechanisms.

Yes. I am overweight bit I know I am good looking and funny. Therefore attractive.

Butneight now, I can't face seeing him. I've cancelled seeing him tomorrow and Thursday as we usually do. I don't know what I'm going to do about the weekend.

I can't imagine having sex with him again now knowing this and having listened to another "you should wear".

I can't erase any of that from my head and I'm always going to know he's disappointed with me for not going along with it.

You're already the woman he wants you to look like. I'm sure he's told you that?

Yes. So why tell me he wants me to dress up like x, y or z woman then?

My previous comments aside, I don't think your partner should make you feel, or even outright push or tell you to look like someone else. That's not fair on you. You are who you are and he needs to accept you that way. If he doesn't then that doesn't mean anything other than he's not the one for you. You should still consider yourself worth and attractive. However there is also nothing wrong with consensual sexy role play if that's what you both want.

It's still you he wants. He probably just has a bit of a long standing fancy for whatever it was. I think that's why he said he was joking - it sounds like he might be feeling a bit embarrassed about it and just wants to take it back now he knows he's upset you. I really can't see the logic in getting a girlfriend and then asking her to pretend to be a different woman entirely. It's almost certain that he just thinks you're sexy and would like to explore things in the bedroom - with you.

But again, if you look for negative context, you'll find it. And you are absolutely trying to find it.

I completely empathize with you. All I ever heard from my mother was criticism, including what boiled down to “too bad you don’t look like like me” and “too bad you take after your father and have his wide shoulders/big bones/thin hair/stocky build/short neck.”

I remember when I was about 12 and asked my father if I was pretty, secure in the knowledge he would think so, and he told me “well, you look different and not like the other girls.” NOT what you want to hear at that age!

Don’t give up your partner if you are happy with him and he is good to you. You deserve a partner who loves you, and real love does not depend on perfect physical appearance. If it did, the vast majority of people would be single. And perfect physical appearance does not guarantee happiness and loyalty. Even supermodels are cheated on and dumped for other women, sometimes women who are not as physically “perfect”.

It sounds to me like you are massively insecure and have now found a 'reason' (even if it is irrational) to get out of the relationship. I sympathise because I find being in relationships stressful and a bit mentally and physically invasive too and have often been single, but when I really like someone, then the desire to bond and have that lovely companionship is greater than my fears.

you have talked yourself into a state, and talked yourself into finishing it with this guy to take you back to safety but my guess is you won't want to stay there and you won't be happy single especially as you do really like/love him after 18 months. I think be honest with him you are having a hard time, that this has been very triggering for you, follow the person suggested above who has similar experiences and restart therapy. I don't think any of us are going to convince you of anything as you are reacting in a highly emotional fear-driven way and so we can't rationalize you out of this. It doesn't make you a bad person though, I'm like this sometimes and its awful. Let your partner in if you can and get some support for yourself, as you do deserve that.

In the next couple of days, be very very kind to yourself, perhaps have a good cry, talk with a friend who knows you, talk with your partner if you can and realise this has shaken you so you need time to settle again. If you want to be single, you can, but I don't think you do truly want that and that's what's causing the anxiety (as you could finish it and be 'happy' if that's what you want).

I'm not worried about him rejecting me outright. I'm scared of him making do with me and secretly wishing I was better/more/someone else.

Isn’t that his problem though?

I can see you’re reflecting him (or rather yourself) before he does - but what’s the worst that could happen if he did reject you?

You have suffered trauma/PTSD as an infant/child at the hands of your evil parents.
Because of their neglect/abuse you have developed core beliefs that you are ugly, worthless and useless.

Your boyfriend challenges those beliefs by finding you attractive and lovable.

This is so contrary to your view of yourself that you must believe that he is lying and therefore you will dump him and find someone who will treat you like crap because that's what you believe you deserve.

CBT is a complete waste of time for deep rooted trauma.
You need to find a trauma therapist or psychotherapist but it is a slow process.

Rejecting not reflecting ^

Good post.

Some questions for you which might hopefully challenge your mindset.
Do you find what every other women on this planet finds sexy? Or do you think women can find different things sexy?
And so if you believe women can find different things sexy then should it not also follow that men can also find different things sexy?

Your BF has told you that he thinks your sexy. Does he have form for lying?
Unless you have reason to believe he is a liar, then you need to allow that he is telling you the truth. Why now respect him enough to allow him to decide for himself what is sexy.

Isn’t love worth the risk of being wrong?