Do you feel attractive? Sexy? How?

[OutOfPetrol]

Just that really.

I'm in a really bad place at the moment. I haven't had a sexual relationship that lasted longer than 6 months (and most have been around 3) until now and I'm finding the whole thing really difficult.

But I don't feel sexy. I've become preoccupied with how physically unattractive I am and how unsexy I feel to the point I'm on the verge of ending an otherwise good relationship.

I don't know what to do.

*not not now

“Yes. So why tell me he wants me to dress up like x, y or z woman then?“

Because he associates you with things he thinks are sexy? I.e dress ups.

As an aside, what’s the specific dress up he likes? Is it something the everyday women would find degrading?

Basque and stockings type stuff. Just underwear.

But it feel degrading and dehumanising to me because he didn't say he wanted to see me in that but he wanted me to dress up like X. Which is nothing to do with me.

Like Dita Von Teese?

It sounds like a role playing fantasy he wanted to have fun with.
He is associating you with things he finds sexy. That’s a good thing.

But you’ve said no, you don’t want to facilitate it and that’s fine. Sounds like he respected your decision?

It doesn't feel like a good thing.

I'd look hideous and the opposite of sexy.

I'm not even sure what I be supposed to do while wearing it.

He'd be disappointed I didn't look better.

And now he'll think I'm boring and unsexy too

Which i am.

But its all a moot point now anyway. I can't imagine wanting to have sex with him again. I'd always feel inadequate.

Honestly, I think you should just break up with him and be single. You’re not going to get anything from this thread. You’ve tried various forms of therapy and they haven’t worked. Deep down, you must know that the things you’re thinking and saying are irrational, but that’s not helping either.

So, just be single. You don’t have to be in a relationship. There’s no moral imperative. You don’t need to ‘fix’ yourself. If you’d be happier alone, then be alone.

“I'd look hideous and the opposite of sexy”
“And now he'll think I'm boring and unsexy too”

But this isn’t up to you. You don’t get to decide what he finds attractive and sexy.
He’s a grown man, he knows what he likes. Respect that.

“He'd be disappointed I didn't look better.”
Maybe. So what? Again, he’s a grown man, I’m sure he can deal with disappointment.
He was disappointed you didn’t give it a go. He seems to have coped fine.

“I'm not even sure what I be supposed to do while wearing it.”
You could ask him what he wants you to do? I think the point is just visual. Maybe ask him take them off.

You sound depressed or something @OutOfPetrol . I know you've tried some things but there are almost always different medications and therapies you can try- and keep trying different things until you hit on what works best for you, keep going back to the doctor.

I found EMDR therapy the best therapy for my wellbeing in general. Medication took a while as I have bipolar but I hit on the best combination for me in the end.

I don't know if this'd help you as I think there are wider issues at play for you, but if I feel ugly I tell myself all the ways in which I'm more conventionally attractive than someone with X, Y, or Z (this might not be politically correct but I'm just telling you what works for me.) For instance, some people have tumours hanging down over their eye, or many other different disfigurements, or are supermorbidly obese, or have a lantern jaw even worse than mine, or missing front teeth etc etc. The possibilities are endless. We all have our better or worse points.

Lots of abuse in childhood where I was told I was useless, worthless and no one would ever want me. I could go into details but I'd be here all day. I've had therapy and I'm fine when I'm single but I just crumble when I'm in a relationship

This would respond to EMDR @OutOfPetrol . It can have an impact that other therapies don't. You can get it on the NHS now too.

You're challenging a point I haven't made, and I agree with everything you've said. Single people absolutely are 'allowed' to feel that way.

But it's not relevant to OP, she's not a single person. She's talking about how her partner makes her feel. And as much as a person can validate themselves, it can't be discarded that a partner can invalidate them. And it looks like that's what's happened. @OutOfPetrol you are particularly sensitive to being loved and wanted exactly as you are, due to your past experiences, and that's fine. We are all what we are today due to our life experiences. But what you wanted was dismissed as a child, and now you dismiss for yourself what you want. Your partner has said something that has turned you right off. And that's fine, that's not because you're 'fucked up', that's because you have your own set of needs and he's crossed a boundary. This could happen to any of us, for example if our partner suddenly asked us to dress up like a school girl, I'm sure many of us would be turned off to the point that we'd feel we could never be turned back on by him, because it would reveal him to have incompatible desires, we'd wonder what he was thinking/picturing etc.

You're doing what CSA victims often do, and pathologising your feelings. But there's nothing wrong with them. Our feelings are the way our boundaries naturally express themselves, and you were conditioned to accept your boundaries being crossed. So, now, when you struggle to accept your boundaries being crossed, you think you're failing. But person you are failing is you. You weren't put on this planet with the intention that you would be happy to satisfy this particular man's every sexual will. You are absolutely allowed, and you absolutely must, if you want to be your own person and have relationships, to have your own feelings and to respond to them.

So, you can turn this around by understanding that what has happened is that he has said something that has turned you off. Nobody has to be 'right' or 'wrong', it doesn't have to be anybody's 'fault', and nobody needs to be regarded as 'fucked up'. Your partner has said something that has revealed to you that he sees things differently to you, and that he wants to do things that would make you feel bad. That could happen to anybody. Respect your feelings. This needs sorting out, or the relationship needs to end. Have you talked to him about how what he said made you feel? Can you see a way back, if you did talk to him and he had a particular response? If you want to stay together, you need to try to relate to one another, and come to an understanding about this. If you don't want to stay together, then you know what you have to do, and you're under no obligation to stay.

But whatever you do, listen to what the feelings are telling you. They are the voice of the little girl whose wants and needs were trampled on. She has been silenced all your life, firstly by your abuser(s) and now by you. It's time to let her speak, because she's your heart, and your boundaries. She's the real you, deep down, and she's upset that you're not listening to her. She will scream louder and louder until you feel like you're going mad, and if you start to listen to and respect her, she will calm down, you will feel like you make sense to yourself, and she will become your understanding of yourself, your likes/dislikes, and her voice will be the voice that tells you how to structure your life in a way that makes you truly happy.

Does what I think not matter at all then? Is it irrelevant? I can't think of many things I'd look less attractive in tbh. And I don't want him to be constantly disappointed by me.

He wasn't really OK with it. He said I could talk to him about what was wrong and then when I did he told me that he didn't want me to change or look like someone else or be more like someone else but that's exactly what he'd said to me. Then he said please stop it when I tried to respond and told me that I was the sexiest woman he'd ever known which is also obviously not true either because a) I'm not sexy at all and b) he asked me to dress like someone else because those women are.

It's just made me feel like he can't find me attractive as I am. I feel unattractive and unsexy and inadequate because I need help to look better and he needs help to want to have sex with me.

That's how it's made me feel. And now I feel I can't have sex with him at all because he'll always be feeling disappointed and bored by me and wanting more. Which makes me feel even less attractive and sexy.

That's how it's made me feel.

I feel like I've been to the doctors so many time and started so many different things that haven't worked that they wouldn't be interested again. I'd be worried about them telling me they weren't interested.

That made so much sense.

I spent my whole childhood/teenage years/early adulthood being compared to other people/girls/women and I was always found lacking. "Why can't you be more like X?" was the soundtrack of my life.

Then men I've been out with have asked why I couldn't be slimmer? (if other women are, there's no reason I can't be), why couldn't I behave more like this woman in a film? Down to more subtle things things like passing comments complimenting ex partners to me for attributes I don't possess, apologising to the bar staff for the drink I've ordered and other subtle ways that show I haven't behaved pulically as they'd expect.

That's why my previous sexual relationships have been so short because I've ended them.

I genuinely believe/d he loves/d me and that he was right for me and I was right for him. He seemed so happy when we got together and he said it was like a dream come true. He's accepting of a lot of my quirks that are probably a result of my past and trauma and says that he loves me just as i am. And now all I can hear is another subtle criticism that I'm not good enough.

It's just so sad.

I had learnt I wasn't good enough or loveable by around 10 years old.

I've got a degree and a professional job now but I didn't date a man who had a car until I was 38 because I felt I didn't deserve anyone who had got their lives sorted in any way.

When I was younger (late teens/early 20s), I dated heroin addicts and homeless men/Big Issue vendors, men who had serious issues because I felt that was all I deserved and I suppose now on reflection because I felt they weren't going to be comparing me to anyone else.

Part of what my parents said was because my mum thought it was important above all else that I married in my early 20s like she did.

She would criticise me daily and constantly for the way I looked, the things I said, they way I dressed, the things I liked, tried to influence my career path (to the point of going to my school and trying to change my GCSE options) all to try and make me more acceptable to men because her biggest fear was the shame of being an unmarried woman and having an unmarried daughter.

All she achieved was making me incapable of having a relationship with anyone.

I think if he'd just asked me to wear the stuff it would have been less upsetting. But it just feels like he's evaluated me through a lens of all women and what he likes them to look like and found me lacking. It's the comparison that has upset me most. I think.

He says he doesn't compare me to anyone. But he has.

My last post didn't make it seems.

OP, my view is that there is nothing your partner can do or say that you will not perceive negatively because that is where you are about your sexual self. I agree with others that it sounds like you still need support in dealing with your past trauma. I'm not sure that you will be able to form healthy romantic and sexual relationships while you feel the way you do about yourself. This negativity is coming from within not from your partner imho.

That said, I wish that men would stop advising other men that asking a woman who is struggling with her self-esteem and accepting her sexual self to dress sexy like a X person will be helpful in someway. I see this kind of role play as only working in good functional sexual relationships. Your partner has obviously either thought or found someone that thinks that this is a solution to try unfortunately. It isn't the root of your issue though.

I've been with a lot of men in the last year, and yes, some of them prefer dark hair to blonde, some like stockings and suspenders, and those things might make them look in the first place, but what they really find sexy is self-confidence and being at ease in your own body and being able to let go in bed and enjoy yourself rather than worrying about if you look fat or whatever, as many of us women do, regardless of whether we objectively are fat or whatever. Some women always seem to have men flock to them, regardless of whether they're conventionally attractive as in slim, large-breasted and so on - and a lot of that is down to their self-belief.

You say you've never had a long term relationship, but it sounds like you've dated quite a bit and had quite a few short term ones, so I think you are probably more attractive than you think, because men, especially when younger, will not even date you if they have no interest at all.

I've been single most of my life, and the relationships I have had have all been long distance. I had my mother telling me no one would ever want me, and it often seemed she was right. I was single for the whole of my 40s. But what I have learnt is that I'm fine on my own - I don't need to be with anyone. I might miss sex and intimacy, but there are places like Ann Summers to cover part of that, and I've got some great friends.

You need to work on your self esteem. I can't tell you how to do this. Mine is very definitely still a work in progress, and as I'm being made redundant, I need to focus on the work side of it, because that's where I really feel useless, and I need to keep a roof over my head. Therapy can help. Spend time with yourself and being at ease with who you are and what you want.

He's accepting of a lot of my quirks that are probably a result of my past and trauma and says that he loves me just as i am. And now all I can hear is another subtle criticism that I'm not good enough.
We don't know him, so we can't tell if he really is implying criticism. Of course it's possible. What do you think? It's probably hard to tell, I guess, as you know your own biases. But you are able to look back at your past and your mother's behaviour and judge it through the eyes of an adult. Perhaps you can do the same with your bf?

How long have you known him?

And now all I can hear is another subtle criticism that I'm not good enough

And that's shit for you, but it doesn't make you 'fucked up'. He's done something that's hugely not compatible with what you need from a sexual partner. You are allowed that judgment. After all, it's in your nature; you couldn't stop it if you tried.

Many of us have had many partners we believed to be 'the one'. At some point you have to accept that if someone who seems like 'the one' does something that 'the one' would never do, then unless you can talk it through together to a resolution, that single, individual action defines them as not 'the one'.

Do you think you can talk it through with him and that he might be able to help you feel better/more connected again, or do you just need to give this one up and deal with the heartbreak?

I will say that in a healthy relationship, the resolution of issues of this magnitude can be the thing that lays very strong foundations for the future happiness of the couple, so if you think it might be worth talking it through, do, even if it might be hard at the time.

agree with others that it sounds like you still need support in dealing with your past trauma. I'm not sure that you will be able to form healthy romantic and sexual relationships while you feel the way you do about yourself

this has nailed it

and ending the relationship as it gives you so much distress , well I wouldn’t judge you

Your not alone in this
please dont think that

but you might need a kick ass therapist

No partner ever will be able to never trigger you and give you the amount of reassurance and validation you need. Such person does not exist. Because you are always going to see every interaction through your distorted lens, always interpret every little detail in the most negative light possible. If you're hypervigilant you will always find something small as "proof" that they don't find you 100% attractive.

So leave this relationship if you find it utterly exhausting, but don't deluded yourself that a new partner will solve it. It won't. You either choose to stay single or you choose to work through your issues and learn to accept the love and care this man is showing you.

I'm ten years older then I was and I resent the ageing but I am so safe in my relationship I feel the most attractive I've ever felt in my relationship. My husband gives me the most compliments he ever has and means them. It makes a huge difference. I have relaxed in our sex life and that has made it millions of times more enjoyable then it was. And it was always good,
In terms of feeling attractive I've had three babies in under six years which has made me insecure, I didn't appreciate how beautiful and young I was at the time and always hated myself. Looking back on photos I wish I had worried less. So I try to be less upset about how I look now because if I'm right then I'll look back in ten years time and say to myself Jesus what did I worry about.

I have my hair always done- I've had extensions in for ten years at various lengths and I like them for the thickness
I wear fake tan when I get a chance
I have my nails done professionally every few weeks
I always wear good makeup
I do wear a lot of sports clothes but they always match
In jeans I've always got my hair done makeup done etc
I dont go out without makeup on
I put on lipstick when my husband comes in-
I always have a shower before bed really too. That means I'm more comfortable and then it's easier to have sex which is very connected to my self esteem

I buy clothes often. I wear a lot of second hand clothes but I buy clothes when my body changes or they break. I am always presentable

A nice coat and a few coats that you love and sunglasses make a difference to every outfit

But mostly - it may not be healthy to rely on your partner but I'm in a secure loving relationship and my husband makes me feel good about myself, I believe him when he says something finally after ten years!!!

Sending you love. You are beautiful. Of course you are,everyone is, honestly

I'm sorry you're feeling insecure xx

You either choose to stay single or you choose to work through your issues and learn to accept the love and care this man is showing you

He's asked her more than once to dress up for him, when she's made it clear she doesn't want to. Then he's saying it was only a joke. There's fair scope here for him not actually being the dream man that OP is failing to be able to love, and for the reality to be that she's been turned off by him being a bit pushy and then minimising her feelings by making her feel like she's humourless.

If the only blip in a 18 month relationship has been him asking for her to indulge him in a very very vanilla kink, i'd say chances are he's a decent partner.

With someone as on edge as OP, there would be many other complaints if he had done anything to make her feel rejected or unloved.

And the point still stands. No partner will ever be able to give her enough reassurance and enough validation. It's like pouring water into a bucket that's got a whole in the bottom. Her inability to see herself as deserving and loveable will sabotage every relationship, no matter how perfect.