Do you feel attractive? Sexy? How?

[OutOfPetrol]

Just that really.

I'm in a really bad place at the moment. I haven't had a sexual relationship that lasted longer than 6 months (and most have been around 3) until now and I'm finding the whole thing really difficult.

But I don't feel sexy. I've become preoccupied with how physically unattractive I am and how unsexy I feel to the point I'm on the verge of ending an otherwise good relationship.

I don't know what to do.

Also re: the dressing up. Your brain will only let you see it from the perspective of your own negative bias because of your self esteem. Try not to allow yourself to believe that he is trying to change you. ❤️ Some men like that stuff, if you don't that's fine and do not do it.

You talk about your mum but not your dad.
Can I ask what’s he like and how does he treat you and your mum?

Do you still see your mother? I'd say if this is ongoing you will probably need to reduce or go no contact with her in order to start moving past the negative self-talk

I'll have a look at that book.

But it's not really about love. I can see that he loves me by the things he does.

It's about how I feel and what I worry he thinks.

supercali77 and NovelFarmer

No. I don't still see her. I haven't seen her for 11 years. I think I assumed that cutting contact and not seeing her or hearing it would improve things. That her voice who become quieter over the years but it seems her voice also became mine and I say the same things to myself that she did.

I didn't grow up in a happy home. My parents both settled for each other for their own reasons. I don't know if they loved each other. They got on ok in front of us and I'm not really aware of any major arguments either.

But neither were happy.

I didn't really have any sort of relationship with my dad growing up. He was angry a lot of the time but I also understand why and I was scared of him. There was no emotional or physical safety or comfort at home.

They separated when I was 18.

Well thats something op (not seeing her). The parents voice becoming your own is referred to as the inner critic in therapy circles...or the super ego, not sure if you were aware of the name for it, you can look it up. It is long work to change the voice....habits of a lifetime etc. But it can be done. You can look up Richard Grannon, he had a course for it last time I checked.

I didn’t mean whether you see his love, but whether you are able accept it.

Please don’t answer if this is too personal, but how does intimacy work in light of these issues?

I don't mind you asking. But what specifically are you asking?

I don't really know what you mean by 'accept' it either. I accept that he does. What else is there?

And for right now, that's okay. That voice can say what it wants. What you need to work on now is learning that that voice doesn't actually have some magical power to be true, and that you can ignore it or decide it's wrong. That you can talk back to it in your head (or out loud!) and tell it that it can have its opinion but it isn't fact. Over and over and over again.

You have to do stuff like try EMDR in spite of the voice: you won't make it go away straight away, but you don't have to live your life assuming it's right. You don't have to not seek treatment or enjoy yourself or love your partner because of it. It can be there all it wants but it has no real power. You can decide to ignore it.

I know that sounds impossible, but start small. Just practice saying "I don't have to listen to that thought." "That isn't true". Even if you don't believe it at first.

Keep doing it. And in the meantime, seek further help, regardless of what the voice says. See it as a noisy neighbour you're drowning out - you can't necessarily shut it up, but you don't have to keep your windows open and listen.

The only problem is that the little voice in head is reminding that a) it won't actually change what I look like and b) it won't change how other people see me

These things are true, but it's the acceptance that those things don't need to change that's the issue, so don't focus on what the voice says.

I was starting to feel a little better or at least like there might be some light at the end of the tunnel but I went shopping today because I needed some new underwear. I looked at myself in the mirror and I actually look worse than I thought I did.

I'm going to leave the thread now. Everyone has been very kind and made some good suggestions but this isn't setting I'm going to be able to deal with any time soon.

But thank you all anyway.

Best of luck to you OP. I hope you find some solutions.