Do you feel attractive? Sexy? How?

[OutOfPetrol]

Just that really.

I'm in a really bad place at the moment. I haven't had a sexual relationship that lasted longer than 6 months (and most have been around 3) until now and I'm finding the whole thing really difficult.

But I don't feel sexy. I've become preoccupied with how physically unattractive I am and how unsexy I feel to the point I'm on the verge of ending an otherwise good relationship.

I don't know what to do.

That's not comparable really is it?

Buying a cologne for someone because you liked the look of the bottle, smelt it and liked the smell isn't the same.

For it to be comparable, I'd have had to have smelt it on another man, who I thought was really sexy, and asked for him to wear it because it reminded me of the other man.

Thank you. I'll read it at lunch today.

I'm OK if he compliments 'me' but I don't want to be compared to other women at all.

I hate the word 'triggered' but that's how I feel. I've always been compared to other women and I've never wanted to be so every comparison feels negative even if it is intended to be a positive.

I don't want to be compared to anyone.

What makes you think I don't do those things?

I mean, I don't - not all of those things specifically because I hate fake tans, my eyebrows are naturally OK and I don't want to wear false nails for a couple of reasons but I do 'groom' and practise self care.

I do equivalent things that are important to me.

But, even things like that are hard. When I was much younger, I was tiny - about a size 8 and with the natural attractiveness of youth, my mum would tell me I was fat and shouldn't wear x, y, or z because it made me look fat and I wasn't attractive because of whatever reason.

There was a photo of me at Christmas aged about 14. When we looked through the photos, I thought I looked quite nice on it and my mum just laughed and mocked me for the way i looked. I was just smiling with my family on Christmas day. I've avoided photos since.

Then my boyfriend at 22 told me 'you can't polish shit' when we went out one evening and I'd tried to look nice.

Around the same time, my best friend told me I was the sort of woman that only men who were scared of sex would be interested in because my boobs weren't big enough and I wasn't 'sexy'.

It's just been constant.

I have a huge problem with having my photo taken. I can't stand seeing my face. I always look awful and I can't see any positives.

I get a reply strong visceral reaction to seeing photos of myself. Like a surge of hatred or disgust that rises and overwhelms me. I find it really hard to control my reaction to it. I can't just leave it because the surge reoccurs everytime I see the photos and it's like a banging inside my head.

There are very few photos of me.

I'm about as far from 'wearing sexy clothes' as I could possibly be.

Your mother must have been a very unhappy person to be so cruel. What were her parents like?

@OutOfPetrol because, in the nicest way, your posts don't strike me as you being someone who likes themselves and when we don't like ourself we tend to neglect ourself.

Sometimes we say we don't like beauty trends because we don't feel confident in getting them done/deep down don't feel we deserve them/make judgements out of jealousy because we have a fear that we're lacking. Only you can know that. But whatever you are doing grooming wise isn't working because you don't like the way you are, so try something new. What have you got to lose? It's not extreme to get a manicure or a light spray tan.

I really think you need professional help. It's almost like body dysmorphia in your subsequent post.

Also, the analogy around cologne from another poster was spot on - but there is something there that is putting up a defence to not see it.

If you google mental health support or go on the gov.co.uk you can see what is available under the NHS for you. Usually, CBT is the first step as they love cheap and cheerful CBT. Give it a go. It works great for some people. If it doesn't, then you can go back and go to your GP and be referred for further support.

My grandad died before I was born so I never met him but by all accounts he was a lovely man. There was a community centre named after him in their home town because of everything he did. Not in a self centred way - it was a fairly deprived area and he did a lot of work in the area to improve outcomes for disadvantaged kids and to give opportunities.

My grandma was lovely. She could probably be quite critical at times but she was always fair and loving. She loved my mum and couldn't understand why she was the way she was with me.

When I was around 21, I was quite vulnerable. My mum made me homeless and told my grandma that, if she took me in, she'd disown her. I lived in a ywca flat for a while until my grandma realised how badly I was struggling and eventually let me move in. It was the first time I'd ever really felt safe.

I apologise for this next part because it was appalling and I know how wrong she was but my mum told me once that she wished I'd been born disabled. I think it's because she believed that people/strangers would pity her and think favourably of her because of the sacrifices she was making.

Sometimes we say we don't like beauty trends because we don't feel confident in getting them done/deep down don't feel we deserve them/make judgements out of jealousy because we have a fear that we're lacking. Only you can know that. But whatever you are doing grooming wise isn't working because you don't like the way you are, so try something new. What have you got to lose? It's not extreme to get a manicure or a light spray tan.

I understand what you are saying. Practically, I play the guitar in a band. I can't have long nails or false nails because I can't play wearing them. I do look after my nails amd wear nail polish though. My colouring is quite celtic - I'm pale with almost black hair. I like it. I wouldn't want a fake tan.

Other 'beauty' treatments well, if I'm honest, I rarely think someone looks better for having had them done.

Also, the analogy around cologne from another poster was spot on - but there is something there that is putting up a defence to not see it.

It wasn't. It's totally different.

If he'd just seen something he liked and bought it for me that would have been very different to finding someone else sexy and wanting to dress me up to look more like them because he likes them.

It's totally different.

She could probably be quite critical at times

Grandparents can appear lovely to grandchildren whilst not being quite as lovely to their own offspring. My own birth grandmother was delightful to me but in her younger days reduced her husband, brother and daughter to tears with her spiteful comments.

You can't change the past but you can change how you think of yourself in the future. Hope you get a chance to look at that article.

OutOfPetrol

its very scary how nasty comments can take root , burrow in and stay there forever and GROW

the old boyfriend was negging
the old girlfriends was projecting and probably felt threatened

but …..

the more you say about your mum it’s clear that she’s really damaged you

and then logic goes out of the window totally

OP it reads to me that you need to find some fun/some joy and a sense of safety in yourself to relax and be a bit carefree.

Please get some professional help, meditate, eat your veggies, wank, get to know yourself not from a negative view, get out your comfort zone, do things that scare you - it will boost you up, join groups. Make your life your life so you aren't overthinking whether your bf says something that to the majority or the population wouldn't be something to be upset about. The more happier you are the less you will take things personally. And you are taking what your bf said very personally and you're still stewing on it. Stop it, stop doing this to yourself!

Am I right that you said you're up in scotland? If so join some bloody hiking groups! Fall in love with how your body can take you up a mountain! Go loch swimming! Get a paddle board!

finding someone else sexy and wanting to dress me up to look more like them because he likes them

This isn't a compliment, though. If he'd said 'You look lovely today, that dress brings out the blue in your eyes' or some other compliment directed at you, would you feel different?

It feels almost as if you're calling an insult a compliment, and then saying you don't like compliments.

'Dress up like Brenda, she's as hot as hell' isn't a compliment.

OriGanOver

i like your advice (for me anyway and I’m not the OP )
thats what I’m going to do in additions to my spray tan 😁

wank , self care, therapy and adventures

Oh, I'm not so naive as to thinks she wpuldnt have her own complaints, believe me.

I know these thing pass down through families. Sadly. I do recall my grandma once making a comment about a friend of hers who was the same age as my mum and saying "but she's a slimmer" my mum was always a size 10 so it must have been hard of she'd been compared similarly. But then why do it yourself?

@Thisisworsethananticpated adventures and wanking are the best types of therapy 😂

Why? Because that's what she learnt as acceptable behaviour. Thankfully now people are breaking the patterns that have been handed down through generations.

But then why do it yourself

Because we do what we recognise. You are now doing it to yourself, too. That's what happens. When we become adults, it means that we don't need our parents anymore. Not because we don't need parents, but because we are old enough to be our own parent. So now, the parent part of you is parenting the part of you that needs parenting, and it's copying the style of parenting that it was shown. That's why you judge yourself negatively. So, you could equally say 'Why do it yourself?' with regard to you, and your internal treatment of you. You are doing exactly what your Mum did, in the negative comparisons with other women. The 'but she's slimmer' comment is a perfect example. You don't like comparisons with other women, because you grew up with them, you now do them to yourself, and they're never favourable.

You need to tell your partner you don't want him to do this any more, because you don't like the way it makes you feel. He doesn't need any more detail than that, unless you want to give it to him, and it's not a discussion. Make it clear to him what it is that he's doing that bothers you, and ask him to stop because it makes you uncomfortable. If he loves and respects you, that will be the end of the issue, or very nearly the end, barring a few slip ups whilst he gets the hang of it. You are allowed this sensitivity. It is part of who you are. If he understands what he's doing, and you tell him you don't like it, he'll stop. If he doesn't, rethink the relationship altogether.

Imagine if he said he didn't want you to tell him he had lovely eyes/hands/face/whatever, because it upset him. Would you try to stop, or would you carry on, because he was being silly, and you were being nice?

I really disagree with @Watchkeys

You don't get to police what people say or how they treat you - and blame it on your past. I have a past, I'm sure most of us on this thread do.

These are your triggers and your responsibility to work through. You're a grown up now. If you don't like how someone treats you, then you leave. This man isn't treating you bad. This is your insecurity and projections. I'm the first one to say LTB! This situation isn't it.

If I was him I'd be off. Imagine being on eggshells all the time in case he says something that offends you this badly when he's not an offensive person (from what you've written).

@OriGanOver

You don't get to police what people say or how they treat you - and blame it on your past. I have a past, I'm sure most of us on this thread do

Sorry, I've got to correct you, because that was absolutely not what I said. Adults are all allowed to be whoever they like, and do what they like, within the law. OP has the choice to make herself happy about something he does that she doesn't like, or ask him not to do it. I'm suggesting she asks him not to do it, because that's how emotionally respectful relationships work. If it's more important to him to say what he wants to say than it is for OP to feel ok about what he says, that's his choice, but he needs to know about it. I'm not suggesting she polices/punishes him; I'm suggesting that she states her feelings clearly to him, so that he can make an informed decision.

If you don't like how someone treats you, then you leave

So if your partner kept commenting on your beautiful blue eyes, and that reminded you of your abusive uncle from childhood, your response would be to end the relationship? You wouldn't tell your partner it hurt you, and you realise this might be your issue, but could they stop please?

I'm with @OriGanOver on this one. Asking him not to ask this of her again is fair. But expecting him to accommodate your insecurity and walk on eggshells all the time so as not to trigger you while you don't do any work on reframing how you see yourself and overcoming your own personal issues... that's just kicking the can down the road. What happens when inevitably he says something you find offensive (that I'd in fact entirely innocent) again? Your insecurity and self image problems are not his to solve. Not that he could, even if he wanted to. OP needs to take accountability for her issues.

*that is in fact

He says he loves me and everything about me. This is where the full stop can be. It will take time, but try believing him when he says these things.

I too found it so difficult to accept that my partner finds me sexy - just as I am. I did the opposite to you - I had a lingerie draw fit to bursting - I was trying too hard. One day I came out of the bathroom and got into bed without any of that on - just a regular day. He looked at me with love, passion etc and I felt yuk - you know, not freshly showered, hair a mess etc. He pulled me close and said You are so hot and I just couldn't believe him... but since then I've let myself believe what he says...after so many years of not feeling good enough and desired its hard to change how you feel about yourself. It does take time.

You are enough